Batman Has A Very Specific Code That's On Everyone's Communicator That He Warns The JL To 'Never Tap

Talia: Okay, if I had Damian in the spring and it’s winter now… I forgot his birthday, didn’t I?

Harley (holding a teacup): Yeah, he said he’s used to it.

Talia (panicked): Oh my God! Quick, what do boys like? Fisher-Price is still a thing, right?

Harley (flatly): Tali, he turned twelve.

Talia (lamenting): I thought he was nine! Okay, I can work with this. I’ll call Bruce—no, no, he’ll be upset that I forgot his birthday and think I don’t care. But I do care! He’s my tifl. I spent thirty-six hours pushing him out of my body! My mind just gets foggy at times.

Harley: Talia.

Talia: If I had remembered, trust me, I’d throw him a party! Plus, I’m a busy woman. I am a businesswoman before I’m a fighter. That’s not me excusing my actions, though. Don’t say it is!

Harley (repeating herself): Talia?

Talia: I need to give him something good—

Harley (raising her voice): TALIA!

Talia (annoyed): What?!

Harley (passing Talia her phone, which is open to the Amazon app): What you see is his wishlist. That’s the stuff he wants as gifts. You don’t have to buy everything, just one or two items.

Talia: Oh bless you, Harley! Huh, he has a lot of books in here. I shall buy them all!

Talia pulled out her phone and began adding every book she saw on his wishlist to her Amazon cart. Harley shrugged, sipping her tea.

Two weeks later, Damian received numerous packages from Amazon filled with the books he had been hoping to get. He blinked, unsure of how to react. But what stood out the most was that Talia had also bought him the ship Lego set he wanted.

Damian: Hm… She really went through my wishlist for this. If she got the notification that the packages were delivered, she should be calling any second now.

His phone rang two seconds later, right on cue. He answered with reluctance.

Damian: Don't speak yet. I just wanted to say thank you for the gifts. Now you can react.

Talia (sweetly): I get you the best because you’re my precious twelve-year-old, and I knew you turned that age, but it’s been crazy busy dealing with business and my father.

Ra's: Hey!

Damian (small smile): Mm-hm, thanks anyways, Mother. I… love you.

Talia: I love you too!

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.

Shermie Pines, seeing Stanford for the first time: I can't believe it! Stanley Pines, back from the dead!

Stanford: oh, right. Yes. Tis I. Stanley Pines.

Stanley, rolling his eyes: okay, so admittedly I took my brother's identity. I'm Stanley, that's Stanford

Dipper and Mabel's mom, gasping: why on Earth would you lie about something like that?!

Stanley: to be so real with you, I was really drunk when I was put in charge of making that gravestone. In my defense, Stanford and Stanley are two very similar names

Dipper and Mabel's dad: I'm having a hard time processing this. Where have you been hiding all this time? And why?

Stanley: uh, he was in witness protection! He was hiding from his, uhm, crazy ex!

Shermie: that's awful! Your ex was so bad that you needed to go into witness protection?

Stanford: Bill didn't take the divorce well.

it's beginning to get concerning, dad

this is pretty much what happened. right.

I don't think that Viktor swears often but I really like that people sometimes write him swearing in Czech. Also I think that it was a little traumatic for Jayce when he heard Viktor swear for the first time.

I just had to draw it.

The thing is that czech swearing often contains more than one word. The bigger fuked up, the longer you swear. And it's…let's say…very rich xd

I was thinking about translating it but it's imposible

Tim, 36 hours of sleep driving like a madman on Gotham roads: FUCKING MOVE. SLOW MOTHER FUCKER WHAT ARE YOU- OH YEAH? JUST WONDER TO THE RIGHT WITHOUT SIGNALLING WHY DONT YA? MAYBE NEXT TIME JUST DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND CRASH INTO THAT GODDAMN TRUCK THATS BACKING OUT THAT YOU DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO GODDAMN SEE-

Damian, just wanting to get to school since Alfred couldn’t drive him: I assure you these imbeciles are not worth your anger Dra-

Tim: I SWEAR IF ANYONE CUTS ME OFF ONE MORE TIME.

*Gets cut off*

Tim: ALRIGHT BITCHES. I WARNED YOU.

Damian, screaming: DRAKE. STOP THIS INSTANT. DRAKE. YOU ARE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD-

that ‘beep beep richie’ thing they did in the It books whenever richie was being a jackass but its the batfam members reminding jason to take a breath and not lazarus-rage anybody into the grave and instead of ‘beep beep jason’ it’s just them flashing a green flashlight at his face.

it started out as a joke, just a quick flash of green to remind him that his anger was most likely down to pit rage and not actual annoyance, but at this point jason’s kinda pavloved himself into pausing and calming down at the sight of bright green lights.

*at a league meeting*

Jason, getting visibly agitated at Clark and reaching for the kryptonite: there is no goddamn FUCKING reason for me to leave my guns at the cave you arrogant fucking-

Tim from across the room: *flashes him in the eyes with the flashlight*

Jason:

Clark, slightly nervous:

Jason: *blinks rapidly* *grumbles angrily as he puts the kryptonite down and storms out the room*

Clark: where is he… going?

Tim: to put his head between his knees until he calms down. he’ll be back in a minute we can carry on.

the league:

-

*lantern visiting the cave for Bruce’s help with something*

Bruce: i can get the results back to you in-

Jason, angrily appearing to storm towards the manor: -gonna KILL that demon brat- thinks he can take MY SWORDS? from MY SAFEHOUSE?

Lantern: uhhh-

Bruce, sighing: Dick, do you have the-?

Dick, bringing out a green penlight and going after him: yeah, i got it. really gotta make Damian stop doing that though.

-

*during a team up, hatching out a battle plan*

Damian, interrupting Bruce’s plan with a whisper: Father, may i borrow the lazarus light?

Bruce: why? Hood isn’t arguing with anyone

Damian: he has been glaring at Green Arrow for the past fifteen minutes, and his fingers are starting to twitch.

Wonder Woman: what did Arrow do?

Damian: nothing, Hood just isn’t a fan.

Bruce:

Bruce, sighing: just a quick flash to keep him on subject, i can’t have him blinded right now.

-

*on an undercover mission*

Roy, cracking his knuckles: aren’t you pumped up to take this guy down?

Jason, stood in the middle of a rave, fluorescent green lights have been flashing in his face for the past ten minutes, his arms are hanging limply at his sides: ………huh?

Dick: yeah i don’t think he’ll be much help on this one.

Roy: ?

Dick: he’s basically catatonic

Jason: i’ve never been more calm.

Roy: you’re wearing a crop top and booty shorts

Jason: i kinda feel like a nap

this is your gentle reminder to stop fighting against your adhd and instead structure your life around it

buy a pack of chapsticks and put one in the pocket of all of your coats and jackets because you always forget to bring one and chapped lips is sensory hell

leave important things where you can see them. if they go in a box or a drawer you will forget they exist

put any appointments or deadlines in your phone calendar As Soon As you get them. set a reminder for a week before, a day before, an hour before, as many as you need as often as you need them.

when that little voice in your head says "i dont need to write that down, ill remember it" that is the devil talking!!! write it down anyway!!

plan for down time. have a few hours at the end of every day to just do fun stuff like engage in your hyperfixations. even if you didnt get all of your work done that day, have the rest anyway. you probably spent the whole day beating yourself up for not doing what you Should be doing, so you still need the break.

if you never eat vegetables because its too much effort to chop and cook them, get the frozen or canned shit. it doesnt go off for ages and you just have to microwave it. theres no point buying fresh vegetables if they just keep going off and being left to rot in the bottom of your fridge

if you struggle to decide what to have for dinner every day, take the decision out of it. choose a set of meals and eat those on rotation until you get sick of them, then choose some new ones and do it again.

its not stupid if it works! our brains literally have a chemical deficiency. you are allowed to accommodate yourself. go forth and stop making your life more difficult than it has to be because "this shouldn't be this hard". it is hard, so make it easier.