Batman: I Have Decided I Will Reveal My Identity To One Person

Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

Jason: Oh fuck

Tim: Shit.

Dick: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Dick: OH MY GOD DAMIAN FELL OFF!!!

Sir you are pushing 30, you don't get to meow

Love the idea of the Batfamily showing a serious, united front whenever they’re working with the Justice League (i.e., obeying Bruce’s orders without question or defaulting to Dick’s authority, following Bruce’s comm protocol, upholding expected field etiquette, coordinating with one another with terrifying efficiency, and generally just not fucking around), but then the minute they get back to the Cave they immediately start to throw hands over who gets to use the PS5.

He was a punk she did ballet: ❌

He and she are both punks and have a crush on a same art baby: ✅

Peter is banned from playing Scrabble with Bruce because he keeps using obscure science terms and winning. Tony refuses to play Monopoly with him after Peter “bankrupted” him in under 30 minutes. However, Peter and Natasha make an unbeatable team at Pictionary.

Bruce, adopting Dick: Aw-w, what a sweet little kid! Surely, he is so polite, and—

Dick, the instance he gets in the battle: You fucking disappointment of a person, and (string of curses on his mother language)

Bruce: Oh. Okay.

Bruce, adopting Jason: Well, Jason was well-mannered and soft-spoken so far, so, maybe—

Jason to the random goon: You motherfucking asshole, I am going to shove this boa to your—

Bruce: Right. Okay.

Bruce, making Stephanie his Robin: Maybe...

Stephanie, using the same street language Jason did, if not worse: I FUCKED YOUR MOM, YOU SON OF A—

Bruce: Whatever.

Bruce, eying suspiciously quiet Tim, who came to interrogate the goon for the first time as a Robin: ?

Tim, the minute door closed behind him: Listen to me, you pathetic excuse of a man, I am going to fuck you up, in an—

Bruce, sighing: Yeah. Honestly. Whatever.

Bruce, staring at angry Damian, who looks like he is about to explode, but keeps up as much as he can: Go on, chump. Say what you want.

Damian, staring at the floor with the deadliest stare ever: Not to sound unbecoming, but... Loser. -_-

Bruce, flabbergasted: ...Okay.

Batfam incorrect quotes while I wait for my Sims 4 update to download :D

—

Jason: Go to hell.

Tim:

Tim: Batman, Red Hood is being homophobic.

Jason: WHAT!? YOU'RE NOT EVEN GAY!

Tim: I'm bi.

Jason: ??? Since WHEN?

Tim: I have a boyfriend.

Jason:

Jason: Batman, Spoiler turned Robin gay—

Stephanie: WHAT!? I TURNED NO ONE GAY!

Cass: ?

Stephanie: Oh my gods, I turned Tim and Cass gay... I'm gonna turn all of Batman's kids into gays.

Bruce: Please, focus on the mission.

Dick, in Blüdhaven but he likes to feel included: I mean, how do we know Batman isn't turning everyone gay?

Bruce: It is not possible to turn anyone gay.

Steph: Nightwing, Red Robin, Red Hood, Batgirl two, Batgirl three, Harvey Dent, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Ghostmaker, Superman, Batwoman—

Bruce: Batwoman was gay before she met me!

Tim: That's the only one you're defending?

Kate: He even turned himself gay.

Damian: As childish as this is, I have to point out that Superboy and I also—

Steph: HE TURNED SUPERBOY AND ROBIN GAY!

Tim: Which Superboy specifically? They're both bi.

Bruce: I DID NOT TURN ANYONE GAY!

Dick: Someday it'll just be the gays... And Bruce.

Jason: Isn't Selina pan?

Steph: The plot thickens.

Tim: Wow, this whole time I should've known I was bi just from being exposed to Bruce.

Dick: It's like radiation!

Duke: Nah, am I next? I don't wanna date dudes, I'm definitely into girls.

Tim: I thought the same thing!

Steph: Till Bruce came along...

Bruce, shouting as Jim walks onto the roof: I did not turn anyone gay!

Jim: Am I... Interrupting something..?

Bruce: . . . No.

—

Oracle (dazed): Okay, like, you just take a turn left and... ummmmm... got it?

Red Hood (on comms): That was a completed sentence.

Oracle (pushing her fingers together to see an image): It wasn't was it? I'm hungry. Let me get up. Oh, I can’t stand!

Oracle cackled while keeping her finger pressed on the communication button, allowing everyone on patrol to hear her.

Spoiler: Oh God, she's been Jokerized! Oracle, hang in there!

Nightwing: Oracle, did you buy those brownies after I told you it’d be a bad idea?

Oracle (balancing a pen on her finger): Yeppers, and I ate both bars! And I feel gooood! YEAH!

Red Hood (figuring out what was in the brownies): Oh my God, you ate two! You’re not coming down from that high for a while.

Oracle: Then I will ride the wave! Weeee!

Oracle spun in her wheelchair while cackling. Harper looked up from her tablet, laughing softly as she prepared to take over the controls since Barbara was definitely sitting this one out.

Nightwing: I told you those brownies weren’t worth it!

Oracle: You’re not my man; you can’t tell me what to do!

Robin (Damian): I’m confused about what brownies she ate that are making her this stupid.

Batman: Can someone take her off the computer?!

Oracle: You’re not my supervisor, you unsalted oatmeal, glutton for punishment, Star Wars prequel enjoying ninny!

The others went silent as Oracle giggled while resting her head on the desk.

Batman (clenching his teeth): Take her off the comms or I'm about to say a whole lot of mean things.

Harper: All right, just going to take over for ya, pal. Just eat the Cheetos I brought.

Oracle: Awesome!

Oracle rolled over to a small table she had set up while Harper took over.

Harper: She should be fine in a few hours and probably regret a lot of what she’s done. I think the brownies she bought were filled with a lot more than cannabis. This is Gotham, so I don't doubt it.

Robin: Oh, she’s intoxicated! Just give her some water and a toy, that’s how we handle Father.

Batman: You do what now?

Supportive space-uncle