I Have This Headcanon That Duke Is Like… The Only Person Who Can Shit Talk Damian To His Face And Everyone

Cork ‘im Daisuke‼️‼️‼️‼️

part 2 of giving bruce dad core attributes starting with forgetting which child has what dietary requirements.

bruce: here you go damian your lactose free meal

damian: father i’m vegan drake is lactose

bruce: tim is?? aw shit *hurries to find tim*

bruce placing down a piece of paper and a pen: ok everyone write their dietary needs on this please so i can give it to the caterer

dick: how can you not remember 😭

bruce: because there’s so many of you

tim: alfred remembers

bruce: alfred doesn’t count i’m pretty sure he’s not human

bruce: is duke still allergic to honey?

tim with his head in his hands: bee stings he’s allergic to bee stings

dick: damian is vegan

bruce: what? i thought steph was vegan?

dick: no steph is vegetarian damian is vegan

bruce: jesus christ

bruce: oh he can’t have that he’s allergic to peanuts

dick: what no i’m not?

bruce: yes you are

dick: i’ve never been allergic to peanuts where did you even get that-omg bruce jason was allergic to walnuts!

bruce: was???

Hehehe 😊😘

He’s still a kid after all, his attention span can be…short

Teenage Damian: Father, I have something very important to tell you. Richard has assured me it will not change your view of me, and I am holding you to that.

Bruce, thinking another kid is coming out: of course Damian. You are my kid, that will not change

Damian: *nods and takes a deep breath*

Damian: As you are aware, there has been a concerning increase of bats and they have risked disturbing the signals and various memorabilia due to them

Damian: There are more that are flying or stationing themselves around lower to the ground, and I have overheard you and Gordon wondering if they are diseased or rabid.

Bruce, officially lost: hn

Damian: The reason there's been an uptick of bats inside the main part of the cave is due to me feeding and befriending them

Bruce:

Damian: They prefer kiwi and strawberries

Protective, jealous, and possessive

Damian has a jagged scar across his stomach and when the bats see it for the first time they try to unlock his Tragic Backstory about how he got it and Damian just scowls and refuses to speak whenever they bring it up so they all assume its a really sore spot to do with some kind of childhood trauma at the league, until Red Hood shows up in Crime Alley, starts working with the bats, catches wind of this, and mercilessly informs them that when Damian was 8 he insisted on helping him carry some new LOA weapons down the stairs and he tripped and ate shit with a serrated javelin in his hands.

Damian reveals Jason's identity out of spite.

Damian: *peaks head above dining table* Baba

Bruce: *sighs, gives Damian the rest of his incredibly juicy fruit salad* Hn

Damian: *scampers off with bowl, Titus hot on his tracks*

Bruce: *watches with a faint smile, sipping on his water*

Bruce is totally a mom the way he just lets his kids take his food, just like my mom. They give him one look and Bruce is ready to feed them himself

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰