The Ena Dream Bbq Brainworms Got To Me , So I Had To Make A Shadowvanilla Au, Basically Ill Work On This

Damian Wayne: Future Gay Disaster for Jonathan Kent

Listen. LISTEN. Damian Wayne is so obviously going to grow up gay for Jon Kent that it’s almost embarrassing how no one in the Batfamily is ready for it.

Like, imagine teenage Damian—still all sharp edges, broody glares, and definitely still carrying a sword at inappropriate times—trying to process the fact that his best friend is also absurdly perfect, stupidly strong, and unfairly nice to him at all times.

It starts subtle. Jon smiles at him a little too brightly? Damian short-circuits. Jon picks him up once during a mission? Damian enters a silent existential crisis and has to sit in the Batcave for three hours just thinking about it.

Tim figures it out first. He watches Damian refuse to insult Jon for a full five minutes and just mutters, "Oh my god. He’s doomed."

Dick tries to give Damian the "So You Like Boys?" talk, only for Damian to pull out a 12-page essay on how love is a weakness. But the next day, Jon says one (1) vaguely affectionate thing, and suddenly Damian is on a rooftop at 3 AM whispering “Love is a weakness… love is a weakness…” like he’s trying to cast a spell and make it true.

Meanwhile, Jon? Completely oblivious. Sunshine golden retriever energy, just happy to be there. This boy could literally cradle Damian in his arms while flying him across the city, and he’d just be like, “Best friend privileges!” Meanwhile, Damian is holding on for dear life like, "This is where I die. He smells like fresh air and goodness. This is the end."

Eventually, when Damian does realize his feelings, it’s going to be a full Batfamily event. Jason is taking bets. Tim is smug. Dick is way too excited. And Bruce? He’s just staring at Clark across the table, already regretting everything.

TL;DR: Damian is going to grow up, look at Jon Kent, and have the worst gay panic of his life. And it’s going to be hilarious.

Jason and Damian meeting at the league but Batfam doesn’t know Jason’s alive is one of my favourite fanfic tropes.

Dick, in his hoe era talking about getting beat tf up by some girl’s boyfriend: I genuinely thought the dude was gonna kill me! I was framed, I swear! Istg someone must’ve planted a strawberry handkerchief on me or something.

Damian, barely listing: was that an Othello reference?

Tim: how did you know that? I didn’t even catch that.

Damian: it was ja- *long pause ensues*

Tim: is his programming malfunctioning?

Dick: Ja??

Damian, brain farting: yep. “Ja”

*frantically messaging Jason saying he almost broke his cover*

—

Damian, annotating Jason’s old copies of the classics: I forgot how much of an idiot you were back then. *takes sticky note off page* “RIP queen, this is actually so depressing.” Yeah, Ophelia just died. Way to state the obvious.

Dick: ??

Damian:

Damian: I’m a medium. He-uh, talks to me.

Dick: oh okay- wait. What?

—

Damian, sneaking back into the manor after having a visit with Jason: *tip toeing his way to the stairs*

Bruce, waiting in the living room with a lamp: Damian, Where were you?

Damian, who can’t improv for shit: uh-

Bruce: *eyebrow raise*

Damian: I was kidnapped by red hood *runs upstairs*

—

Bruce, in his feels era: I wish jaylad was around to see this.

Damian, not thinking: can we not just ask him to come over?

Bruce:

Damian:

Bruce: what-

Damian: we can use a ouija board. That’s how I communicate with him.

Bruce, concerned: what???

Sappy romantic Shadow and brainrot cringe Sonic

failstate

they liked this on twitter im thinking you would too

some jasons and damians thats been piling up :]

(and tim and alfred the cat)

Damian getting pissed off at Bruce shortly after coming to the manor and in a fit of childish anger yells ‘you can’t tell me what to do, YOU AREN’T MY FATHER!’

what he meant was in an emotional sense, because he didn’t know the man for the first decade of his life, but paranoid-Bruce-Wayne immediately starts to wonder if Talia’s fucking with him in some way. Damian, still pissed off and wanting to make Bruce suffer in any way he can, takes all the information he has at his disposal regarding his mother and father and decides in a brilliant moment of childish stupidity to do this:

Damian: no, you are not my father. but being as my biological father trained under you, mother decided you would still be the best option to guide me.

Bruce, eyeing Dick: i TRAINED your father?

Dick, incredulously: I DIDN’T-!?!

Damian: No. Jason Todd however, after he was revived via Lazarus Pit, did.

Bruce:

Dick:

Tim, quietly from the sidelines, popcorn in hand: holy shit…

~later~

Damian, climbing through the window of Jason’s safe house: Ahki! three things. one, i told father, Grayson, and Drake that you are alive-

Jason, sat with a mouthful of pasta: wh-

Damian: -two, i told them your identity as the Red Hood, and three, i told them you are my biological father.

Jason:

Jason:

Jason: why would you-

Damian: i was mad and impulsive.

Jason:

Jason, taking a deep breath: well that tracks if we’re pretending you’re my kid.

Damian: i knew i could count on you.

Jason: to freak those idiots out? always.

Does the Batmobile ever get ticketed or does the GCPD just ignore it

Bruce: *puts a box on the table*

Bruce: Gather around, everyone. It's time for our monthly ticket review.

Bruce: First up, Steph. Can you explain what happened last Friday?

[earlier]

Steph: *looking for parking in a full lot*

Steph: Screw it, I'm going around back.

Steph: *parks in front of a fire exit*

[present]

Steph: I just needed to use the bathroom.

Bruce: And in those three minutes, the Joker released a giant water balloon forcing everyone to evacuate through one less exit.

Steph: It said "fire exit." That technically wasn't a fire.

Bruce: Well, the penalty is $100 plus the towing cost. I can pay it off but you have to help Alfred in the kitchen for a month.

Steph: Yeah, that's fair.

Bruce: Next up... Cass and Barbara? Color me surprised.

Barbara: Oh yeah, I had to remotely pilot the Batmobile the other day because Cass needed a getaway.

Bruce: Then why am I being charged $250?

[earlier]

Cass: *fighting a gang*

Barbara: Orphan, ETA thirty seconds. Prepare for extraction.

Cass: *knocks out the last henchman and runs to the car*

Comm. Gordon: *writing a ticket*

Cass: ?

Comm. Gordon: You're in a disabled parking spot without a permit.

[present]

Barbara: Well I am disabled.

Bruce: Understandable. I'll let it slide since it's the first time. Just file the paperwork for a permit.

Bruce: Dick, you went thirty-five over the speed limit when you weren't pursuing a suspect. Explain.

[earlier]

Wally: Race you to Keystone?

Dick: *revs the engine*

[present]

Bruce: You're better than this. I'm disappointed. Next up: Tim. Driving without a license plate. What happened there?

[earlier]

Tim: I wasn't supposed to take the Batmobile since Bruce benched me for my wrist, but my other ride is in the shop.

Kon: What about cameras? Can't your dad tap into the city's surveillance system?

Bart: Traffic cameras read license plates, so if we take them off, no one will recognize us.

Kon: Now that's an idea.

[present]

Tim: That's on me. I shouldn't have listened to them.

Bruce: Put them back on, plus you're benched for another week. Damian, on to you.

Damian: What on Earth could I have done? I followed the speed limit, parked in the correct spots, and never so much as changed lanes on an empty road without signalling.

[earlier]

Damian, a middle schooler: *driving*

[present]

Damian: Tt.

Bruce: Don't do it again. Duke...

Duke: *cringes and remembers what he did*

[earlier]

Duke: *hooks the Batmobile to a freezer trailer*

Duke: *starts driving around with a megaphone*

Duke: Ice cream! Get your ice cream!

[present]

Bruce: Fantastic job. No complaints.

Jason, muttering: Teacher's pet.

Bruce: And finally, Jason.

Bruce: *empties the rest of the box*

Insane things that Will did that make him much worse than Hannibal:

He had a gun with him when Hannibal stabbed him and he didn't even try to fight back, he let himself be held as his bowels were falling out

He foreplayed with his therapist during therapy

He had to be stopped from shooting a guy crawling out of a horse all because he had psychosexual rage towards his therapist and wanted to take it out on the guy he was supposed to catch

Flew to Europe to sneak around Hannibal's old property, called the scar on his stomach a 'smile' and forced Chiyoh to kill the guy she's been keeping a prisoner because he wanted to see what she would do, then turned his corpse into a grotesque art piece with no witnesses to that

He sailed to Europe and told the detective there that 'he doesn't know what he'll do when he sees Hannibal so he should be careful' ?? (brother you're there to catch Hannibal....)

He sat with Hannibal in the gallery saying the most romantic shit ever, failed to stab him and then he just let Hannibal dig the bullet out and drug him??? (you can't convince me he didn't have an ounce of energy to fight back or see that coming mr I tell the future with senses)

He started combing his hair back after Hannibal tried to saw open his brain... ok whore

He got jealous when Hannibal started admiring a serial killer

He never once complained about eating Hannibal's cooking & he KNEW it was people...

Bruce walks into the kitchen one day at breakfast and sticks a golden star right on Dick’s forehead.

Silence overtakes all of his kids as they stare incredulously because what the actual fuck??

“B?” Dick questioned warily, going crossed eyed as he tried to stare at the star in his forehead.

“Congratulations Dickie, you have successfully made only five death threats to individuals this entire week.” Bruce said solemnly, patting Dick on the head before turning to face his other children.

“Unfortunately, I will not be giving out any more gold stars.” Bruce’s eyes gazed at his children, particularly staying on Jason and Damian for a second longer than anyone else’s.

“Wha-? What about me??” Duke protested, throwing down his fork, a small splatter of syrup splashing onto the new wood varnish.

Bruce raised an eyebrow. “Duke, I’m Batman.”

“Right.” Duke muttered, slumping back down in his chair. “Stupid pickpocketers, next time I’ll make sure they can’t squeal.”

“Father! I demand a recount!” Damian’s chair squeaked loudly as he shot up from it, his small face set in a stubborn frown so similar to Bruce’s. “Grayson made two death threats to thugs on patrol yesterday.”

“Fucking tattle tale!” Duck hissed, grabbing his forehead and scampering away from Bruce, just in case he tried to take away his good star.

Bruce nodded and looked thoughtful. “Hmm, seven death threats… I’ll allow it. However, seven has become the cap in order to get a gold star.”

“One for everyday of the week!” Jason grinned, his eyes zeroing in on a barely awake Tim. “And since I’m long past the threshold…” Bruce slapped him on the back of the head, making him curse.

Cass tugs on Bruce’s sleeve and points to herself, the silent question very loud. “No Cass, your whole existence is a threat but also Stephanie likes to talk.”

Cass clicks her tongue and sits back down, phone already in hand, probably texting Stephanie about her betrayal.

“Looks like Dick is winning.” Bruce stated, suppressing a smirk as all of his kids heads whipped around and stared at him. Of course they would take the bait, there were as competitive as he was.

Even Tim now looked mostly aware of what was happening.

“It’s a new week, good luck.” Bruce nodded, walking out of the dining room, a grin breaking out across his face as the room erupted with noise.