Moonsquaremars - KÝLL

again and again and again. i fall in love with someone and they don’t love me back. why has this happened to me my whole fucking life? i can’t take it anymore.

i’m just another obsessed lunatic and am destined to be alone. i hate this.

it’s just embarrassing at this point. and it’s invalidating my own feelings because how many times does this have to happen? i can’t say the exact same things every time i fall in love with someone and they abandon me. this is like the nth fucking time.

Life in the shadows

I am like the others

My blood and my ideas

Correction does not evade me

Use your own judgment

He hides between the walls

of this old building

Fairywitch

"Though destined to be a fairy, this creature chose the way of the witch instead."

10 septembre 2021

je me repose sur le lit dans ma chambre. je suis à la maison de ma grand-mère, où j’habite. la grand-mère sur le côté de mon père. il a aidé mes parents m’élever depuis ma jeunesse. elle est en tout cas, comme un autre parent.

quand ma sœur et moi rations le bus pour l’école, elle nous y amenait (je viens d’utiliser « y » correctement, hein ?) si on voulait, on pouvait venir chez-elle. et maintenant, après tout le drame, je suis de retour.

c’est pas mal. j’étais très content de revenir. la vie tout seul est difficile. j’ai fait la connaissance d’une personne qui a devenue très proche à moi, et j’me suis reconnecté avec des anciens amis. je me suis tombé amoureux deux fois, plus ou moins. la vie m’a fait mal, bien sûr. sans doute. j’ai fais des drogues. j’eu eu le sexe. la vie m’a fait mal. personnes sont mortes. mais, la vie est même bonne.

en tous ces cas, il y a des moments, ou en mon cas, jours, semaines, ou je me sens trop mal. quelques jours je peux pas me lever du lit. quelquefois c’est ok. je pense que je me suis réconcilié avec mes émotions. certainement elles sont plus lourdes parfois. mais je suis même ici dans la planète. j’ai essayé de me tuer plusieurs fois. mais je suis ici. dieu ou l’univers voudrait que je suis vivant. et je vis. pas parfaitement. je fais beaucoup de choses et j’ai des opinions que je sais trop beaucoup me feront mal si j’étais trop honnêt avec des autres. j’ai appris que tout le monde n’a pas besoin de savoir tous mes pensées, mes insécurités. ils les utiliseraient pour me blesser. je l’ai appris à la dure. je ne peux pas faire tout le monde confiance. c’est just la réalité de la vie.

maintenant je me sens assez bien. je voudrais le garder cette façon. si je dois fumer quelque chose ou prendre un moment pour respoir et fermer le monde hors de moi, je le ferrai. j’ai pas autant peur comme j’avais. ai-je même peur ? ouais certainement. mais j’ai changé, lequel est le raison pour la vie, non ?

je suis optimiste. je sais pas l’avenir et ce qu’il comporte. mais j’ai du terrain stable maintenant. j’ai l’intelligence émotionnelle, dans une façon que je n’ai pas eu avant. la mort continue de me fait peur. mais je suppose c’est un message pour un autre jour!

i’m sitting in his room. it’s a few days before christmas.

it’s chilly, most of the days, in kentucky. a warm day in the 50s or 60s isn’t uncommon though. one christmas, it snowed. a few snow days a year are all a young student could hope for. the ice storm during my 7th grade year was a pleasant, citywide shut down exception.

anyway, i am laying on his bed. i smoke a cigarette. a red camel crush. bad teacher is on his tv. he needs a shoulder rub.

it’s 1:39 am. bad teacher is still on. he’s fallen asleep, like he always does. he feels safe and comfortable. i like to lay awake and listen to him sleep. like i’m watching over him while he rests.

something strange happened tonight with the new guy i am seeing. we started dating a few months ago. we had great sex for hours the first time we reconnected after six years. he’s a ceo. he appeals to a lot of aspects of my personality, he is a good fit. we have good chemistry. we have good sex. but i don’t feel for him like i do for space cowboy. even if i am weary of his volatile ways. i am okay with being with ceo if space cowboy falls through. i’m okay with walking away at this point.

but tonight. he didn’t text me good morning today. he said he was going to facetime me on my break to show me the house he was staying at. but then he didn’t answer or respond to my text. immediately feeling strange about this, but he does have a tendency to fall asleep early.

i immediately felt he was with someone else. and now, i realize it might have been his worker that just flew into boston. i know this worker. ceo isn’t exactly out of range of his type. but he does have a husband, though that hasn’t stopped a gay man before. i know from painful experience.

but i also got a strange vibe at the end of our phone call. they were both in the work van. i was in my car. i realized worker was different from me emotionally. saw things differently. the goodbye just was strange. i think it was ceo’s voice. sometimes our personalities don’t mesh.

hopefully-maybe i’m being paranoid. but would be cool if i was right. i like when my senses are right.

[[edit: i just remembered him saying he’s hooked up with worker’s husband before. they totally fucked. last night worker had his own hotel room. this morning, ceo doesn’t text me good morning which i found strange. he misses the call with me on his break. i’m at the point where i feel certain they had sex. this will be a good intuition tester, cuz i never know when to listen to something as right, or just in my head. this will be an experiment. cuz i’m so sure of my senses right now. but if i’m wrong, i’m wrong. i know ceo will tell truth. but if they’re having sex multiple times, it might hurt me. this would be the perfect opportunity to tell him i’ve been seeing space cowboy though. and space cowboy is starting to show more promise. he’s beginning to communicate. he’s told me thank you twice tonight. /end edit. ]]

that would be a low jab. but, i am over space cowboy’s house right now. everything in me has wanted a relationship with him. but things have progressed so smoothly with ceo. there are things he doesn’t know. things i don’t know how i will integrate.

but space cowboy, may have a very difficult time integrating with my friends and family. what few friends i have left. ceo and space cowboy have the same interests though. they both build wood furniture and things with their hands. maybe ceo can help cowboy. but he may feel jealous.

ceo works with his ex. his ex helps run his company. polyamory is a thing. i don’t know what will happen. could the two share me?

I know how to say something and make it hurt :/

or were you all in a dream, amelie, amelie? tell me no // i almost lost it, i'll heal eventually. but faster if you're next to me, next to me