Bitches Be Like (im Bitches)

im acc gonna km$ i go to this holiday care program and they fucking told my mum that im not eating and now she’s gonna moniter everything i pack for lunch and a staff is gonna sit next to me to make sure i eat it all. it’s only for a week then i can throw my food out at school, but im super pissed off

ok but what about a fic that's canon compliant except rosekiller are raising luna... and then they decide to raise harry too

what if xenophilius also died in the accident that killed pandora so luna was adopted by her uncles? what if evan finds out that dumbledore is raising harry to destroy the rest of voldemort's horcruxes (and himself, considering he is one) and absolutely loses his shit because one of his best friends and his sister died trying to get rid of one? what if he and barty decide to just steal harry after that?

harry getting to king's cross after his second year and finding that the dursleys aren't there because they were told not to come. luna appearing out of nowhere and telling him he's going to be staying with her family now, and her family being two guys who look absolutely murderous until they see her.

also can we imagine the order of the phoenix dynamic. like omfg rosekiller and sirius would be screaming at each other 24/7 and this is 100% how sirius finds out how regulus died and what dumbledore is doing with harry. i just. it would be very fun to write but also very angsty (and that's what this fandom loves, isn't it?)

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Sign | @jegulus-microfic | wc: 1183

Regulus finds him in the storage room sitting on a plastic chair wedged into the narrow space, earbuds in, chuckling at something on his phone. To say Regulus is annoyed is an understatement.

The sudden influx of bright light has him unplugging one ear and peering up at Regulus with an easy smile, which only grates on him further.

“Reg.” Not Reg, Regulus. “You have to look at this!” He angles his screen toward Regulus, who takes a deep breath before speaking.

“Harold.”

“Reginald,” he reciprocates easily.

“That’s not my name.”

“And my name is not Harold. Glad we got that established.” He has the audacity to put his earbud back in, and Regulus, whose patience for him has been dwindling all evening, walks over and grabs his phone, ignoring the indignant “Hey!” he gets in response.

“What are you doing here? I sent you to get sugar 30 minutes ago.”

Harry shrugs, tilting back in his chair. “I got a little sidetracked, you know how it is.”

No, Regulus does not know how it is, because he’s an adult who takes his job seriously, and Harry is a little twerp who cheated his way into employment.

Regulus takes advantage of their height difference, looking down at him, aiming for authority and a smidge of intimidation as he says, “You’re at work. Act like it!”

Harry stands up to his full height, immediately dwarfing Regulus, and Regulus has to hold back the string of curses threatening to spill out of him as he stands his ground. Harry leans forward, an amused smile playing on his lips.

“Why you hired this imbecile, I’ll never know,” he huffs indignantly when he comes back out, Harry trailing after him.

“His dad is hot,” Dorcas says from the counter, bills in hand.

Harry groans in disgust from where he’s crouched, grabbing cleaning supplies. “Never say that around me again.”

“Agreed,” Regulus supplies. “Besides, you’re a lesbian.”

“Goes to show you how hot he is. Hey, Harry, he’s picking you up today, right?”

Harry makes a noise of disgust and refuses to answer.

Regulus rolls his eyes, pulling himself up onto the counter and leaning back against his hands. Harry emerges with a rag over his shoulder and a frown etched into his eyebrows. “You’re not helping with cleaning?”

“Please, I’ve practically been working your shift for you. Clean-up is all yours, buddy.” When Harry doesn’t move, he waves him away. “Shoo, off you go, Harold.”

Harry tsks and leaves, grumbling about something to himself.

“Be nice to him,” Dorcas says while handling the register. “He has a crush on you.”

“Gross. He’s like five and the most annoying person I know.”

“He’s fifteen!” Harry calls from where he’s wiping tables. “And he can hear you.”

“He should shut up and get back to work.”

That seems to have the opposite effect on Harry, who stops wiping and leans against the table, arms crossed. “C’mon, Reg, what do you say? Me and you, what’s eight years?”

Regulus opts to ignore him, turning his attention back to Dorcas. “Besides,” he speaks in a considerably lower voice, “I have a–”

“Man,” Dorcas intercepts, making a face. “I know. Everyone knows.”

Regulus smiles stupidly, the heels of his feet tapping the cabinet below as he starts dangling his legs in giddiness. “Do they?”

“Shut up.”

“I don’t really have him, not yet at least. We’ve only been on, like, three dates, but soon. I’m locking him down, Dorcas, just you wait.”

“What’re you gonna do? Baby-trap him?”

Regulus hums, then shakes his head. “No, but did you know he’s a single father? He’s so present in his son’s life, it’s…” Regulus trails off, a glazed look in his eyes.

“Careful, your daddy issues are showing,” she says, whacking Regulus’ thigh in chastisement. “How old is this guy anyway?” 

“He’s thirty.” When Dorcas raises an eyebrow, he rolls his eyes. “What’s seven years?” The moment the words leave his mouth, his face contorts in disgust. 

Dorcas throws her head back laughing. 

When Harry takes his sweet time with the clean-up, Regulus joins in and helps mop the floor. Before long, they’re done, and Dorcas and Harry head out back to get dressed to go home, while Regulus does some minor dusting.

The door should be locked at this time; even so, the “Closed” sign should be enough to deter potential customers. As it is, the door is open, and the person who enters apparently cannot read because the bell above the door chimes and in comes– James?

Regulus is confused, but he hugs James all the same, and James reciprocates, holding Regulus close. They stay close even after parting.

“What are you doing here?” Regulus asks, cradling James’ stubbled cheek. James’ hand comes up to hold his.

A mixture of confusion and amusement crosses James’ face as he asks, “What are you doing here?”

Now Regulus is even more confused. He takes a step back and gestures to the apron around his waist with the logo on it, and it seems to dawn on James then.

“You... work here.” He’s making a face, one Regulus doesn’t understand.

“Yeah,” he says, suddenly feeling insecure. He knows James has a fancy office job, pretty settled with his life in general, while Regulus is in between things, not sure, really, where he’s going in life. It didn’t really hit him that it was going to be an issue until now. He must be making a face, because James quickly recovers and moves toward him.

“Hey, no, I–”

“Dad!” Harry rounds the counter, outerwear on and bag slung over his shoulder, and Regulus’ brain glitches, overheats, crashes, and reboots.

Dad.

Dad.

Dad.

Harry must’ve picked up on the vibes because he stops a few steps short of them and eyes them warily, gaze shifting back and forth between them questioningly. “What’s going on…?”

“Dad,” Regulus’ malfunctioning brain manages. 

“I told you about my son, remember?” James sounds stilted, mechanical, like the whole ordeal is as mortifying to him as it is to Regulus.

“Uhh… what?” Comes Harry’s response, which goes ignored. “What is this?”

“You told me about your baby.”

“Yes,” James nods, color returning to his face.

“No…” Harry looks increasingly distraught, shaking his head. “Dad, you did not!” He rounds on his… father. 

Regulus is going to be sick.

“James,” Regulus manages steadily. “That is not a baby.”

Harry is making wounded noises and gagging in the background.

“I’m his father, he’ll always be my baby.”

Regulus shakes his head, pointing to his annoying co-worker, who has now taken to throwing himself to the floor in a dramatic flurry and crying out, Someone has to kill me. I refuse to live another day!

“That is a grown man.” Despite what his current antics suggest.

James smiles sheepishly, poking Harry with his shoe, urging him to get up.

Dorcas comes out then, scarf in hand, and takes one look at Harry on the floor, dry-heaving on the tiles, and the mortifying looks on Regulus’ and James’ faces, and everything clicks immediately. 

“Oh, this is gold!”

Remus: Prongs, are you coming with us?

James: Oh, geez, I don’t know if I can ditch Reggie two nights in a row. I don’t want to upset him

Sirius: Oh come on, man! Bros before…my brother

At Jily's wedding:

Church: If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Evan: LILY.

*Regulus and Dorcas trying to hold Evan back while Barty is laughing*

Lily: For the last time, Evan, I understand you want to be called Evan Evans. But that is not a valid reason to interrupt my wedding!!!

Evan : BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

my gender is not the only way to get laid

open tags

Type "my gender is" on your phone and let your phone finish the sentence, then tag your moots to keep the chain going, I'll go first.

My gender is a little bit more intense than I thought I could have done

@mirukosbitchywife @get-junpeid

YES

it's come to my attention when I say I like jegulily it doesn't mean the same thing as when the rest of you say you like jegulily

they are so much more to me than two pieces of a polycule or queer platonic relationship that happened to share a boyfriend (which all of those things are fine, however not what I thought we were going for)

I meant lily is fucking reg with a strap. they are well oiled machine in the kitchen and if anybody else comes in there while they're working they will die. they are holding each other and sharing kisses well getting railed by James. they have a silent communication between each other that is so perfectly in tune it scares everybody. they purposely get pregnant at the same time and are each other's birthing partners for lemaze and frequently referred to their children as the twins post birth.

the two of them are in a relationship with each other just as much as they are in a relationship with james 

Sirius Anything-But-Black.

~~~♤~~~

Sirius hates his last name. He always joked around by going by his friend's names instead.

Sirius Potter was the most common, of course. He was practically raised by the Potter's, he and James had been brothers for years of course he was a Potter.

Second was Pettigrew, mostly when joking around with Peter.

He'd make comments like "This is why it's so great to be a part of the Pettigrew family!" and "Don't you dare disrespect the Pettigrew Brothers!"

A handful of times he even used Lily's last name, referring to himself as Sirius Evans.

She finds it hilarious, as soon as she catches on that he hates his last name she starts calling him Evans too.

Whenever she'd pass by the group and greet James as Potter, she'd always make sure to reply to Sirius' "Hey, Evans!" With a "Hello, Evans." In return.

Every once in a while he used their other friend's names too; Meadowes, Longbottom, McKinnon, he went as far as to use McGonagall once and nearly got detention for a week.

But he never used Lupin.

Remus asks him one lazy Saturday morning as the group was sprawled across the furniture in the common room.

He'd wondered for years, they all secretly had, but it never meant enough to any of them to really ask.

"Why do you never go by Sirius Lupin?" Remus asked, filling the lull in conversation.

It was supposed to be a casual question, but there was nothing casual about the look Sirius gave him when he replied,

"Because you haven't asked me to marry you yet, Moons."

The room was silent. Remus and Sirius were staring at each other for a long time. Remus slowly stood up and walked over to him, kneeling down in front of his chair,

"Sirius, will you marry me?" He whispered.

"Of course, Remus." Sirius breathed.

Nobody else could tell if they were joking or not. They'd never once shown feelings towards each other, nothing more than what they normally did.

Remus wasn't even gay.

But then, all of the sudden, Remus and Sirius were found walking the halls hand in hand, placing gentle kisses on each other's cheeks.

They started sleeping in the same bed at night, Remus curled on his side with his nose nuzzled against Sirius' neck.

Sirius exclusively went by Sirius Lupin now, refusing to go by anything else. He also made it very clear to all of his suitors that he was engaged and off the market.

The others still couldn't quite tell how much further they would go for the bit, but they seemed happy?? So they were all happy too.

Immediately after graduation they got married and made it official. Everyone was kinda blown away, but then again, it was Remus and Sirius, they've kind of always been dating, even when they weren't.

The others finally asked years later if they'd been secretly dating prior to that, since it was the only thing that made sense.

Sirius shook his head, "No, I had no idea Rem liked me back. I was just really in love with him."

Remus nodded, explaining he wasn't actually sure if Sirius was joking or not either at first, but he was too in love to question it, and took the chance he got.

It ended up working out, Sirius was now- in all ways including legally- Mr. Sirius Lupin.

And he'd never been happier.

~~~♤~~~

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