Ugh Fml - Blog Posts
It's an open notes test and some dense motherfuckers still can't figure out the answers.
The contents of my stomach are trying to make there way out. Violently. From both ends.
Me after watching the skinny, blonde girl from my class dye her hair black and dress only in athleisure (If I was her I would wear all the cute clothes I want and dye my hair so many cute colours but I'm chubby and have dark brown almost black hair)
do you think if i turn my brain on and off again it’ll be recalibrated and i’ll be fixed
You know what’s hard to swallow?
When you thought you had it all figured out. Not life, per se, but yourself - ever changing or not.
When you thought you had figured out the root of your problems, and praised yourself for being so darn self aware.
And then, something flips, the moment you give in to vice that you thought you had uncovered the secrets of. Why you drink, why you smoke, why you can’t seem to stop.
You thought you’d figured it out - why it pulled you in, and then, nothing makes sense anymore.
The moment of realising that you don’t know your demons, you don’t know why your eyes seem to always gaze back at the glass of wine next to you, and then the bottle. Why it seems to call out to you, louder than anything else in the room - a scream in an endless sea of whispers.
You give in, because the absolute soul crushing feeling of once again being wrong about yourself is worse than faking the reasons, but you know you’ll make up another. And you’ll believe it.
And the cycle will repeat.
You know what I wish?
I wish I could speak to someone who understands what it’s like having an ACTAUL ED. Not just “oh my god I didn’t eat breakfast I’m so anorexic” haha. Fuck you.
I wish I could speak to someone who understands having to be a mother to your own mother.
I wish I could speak to someone who understands what it’s like to not know yourself because you’re always looking out for someone else.
Because you are always having to be the person who is there for everyone; the person that no one is there for.
The therapist.
The one who swallows their pride because how dare they have an opinion.
How dare they have feelings.
How dare they be a person.
How dare they be a person and not a therapist.
After the better part of a three month job search, the only outfit that even bothered to contact me so far is from the same industry I'm trying to leave forever.
Ooooookay.
So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.
So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.
Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.
So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.
But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.
And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.
Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am
Literally couldn’t be me right now with my best friend who has shown me nothing but respect since I’ve met her. Sometimes I hate having feelings lol
"Have you been avoiding me?"
"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath
Here's a little story for you silly buggers:
It starts with this guy and myself. We'd been friends for what, a year and a half? We organised to meet up a few times. It started with cuddles. Fucking score. Then it progressed to getting drunk. And then to making out... (okay maybe not in that order) But when I tell you, this fucker could NOT kiss for the life of him. It probably didn't help that we were shitfaced out of our minds. I was doing all the work, and holy shit! This guy just laid there, like a limp zombie. The only time I managed to get a moan outta him was when I pulled his goddamn oily hair. It was miserable man. Regardless..
One time, after watching Brokeback Mountain and drinking half our weight in cupboard booze, we were both so drunk we could barely walk to the bathroom without leaning on each other. He looked in the mirror and we both realised the massive purple hickey on his neck. Whatdafaq. It's alright though cause I covered it up well with a bit of concealer and powder. Phew, all in the clear, right?
Oh. My. Fucking. God!!!!!
This fucker goes home, takes a nice, hot, steamy shower, and has dinner with his family and forgets to put on more concealer.
THIS FUCKER!! His mum points at his neck and is like "haha, you are gay". HIS GRANDPARENTS WERE THERE. AND HIS OLDER BROTHER. AND HIS DAD. AND HES CHINESE. UGHHHHG!!!!
My love life is miserable. The end!