I Love You People Who Show Kindness Because "it's What You're Supposed To Do". I Love You People Who

My fellow narcissists (people who have NPD) are one of the most loyal, resilient, and straightforward people I’ve met in my life. I know that our disorder is terribly misunderstood but here’s a reminder that we don’t have to align with unfair treatment pwPDs receive within the mental health advocacy community.

It’s okay to love your narcissism, it’s okay to appreciate the positive and beneficial attributes and qualities it gives us. A lot of us are incredibly protective of our friends, more than a non-NPD individual will ever be - because our disorder makes us so. A lot of us are helpful and incredibly caring individuals because of our NPD, and those closest to us can feel this blanket of care and protection settling over them. A lot of us are self-sacrificial (shocker.) because of our NPD, passionate because of it, or have other pleasant, beneficial, good qualities of character amplified because of our NPD.

I’ll make a rough guess and say that one of the most pleasant people you’ll ever meet are probably narcissists, because it benefits us to be liked, not all of us thrive off negative attention. So, hold your sanism. And to my fellow pwNPD, I love you.

“if you’re worried that you’re a bad person, don’t be! bad people don’t worry that they’re bad” <- seeing this a lot lately and i find it so goofy lol. it’s always a waste of time to categorize anyone as an essentially good/bad person but also like. you can be a “good” person who agonizes over their choices and still end up making choices that are careless or cowardly or even deliberately harmful. the act of worrying doesn’t absolve you of shit bro

I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

NPD culture is PLEASE ASK ME THINGS!!!!! PLEASE BE GENUINELY INTERESTED ON WHO I AM AND ANALYZE ME AND TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT ME, MAKE A LIST IDK BUT PLEASE.

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I know there's already an NPD flag, but I'll be honest...some of its color symbology and language feel both stigmatizing and yet also too lax. If you'll hear me out, I'll explain my version's changes.

I like that some of the colors on the original are picked off of the narcissus (daffodil), so I reincorporated that and added the green of the leaves for growth and recovery instead.

Something about the black strip being support for people with NPD felt...dark, sad, and generally like it added to this idea that were are a dark mark on the population. Instead, I made the white strip for this as a way to say...I want to wipe the slate clean on how others see us so we can be really supported. Additionally, the black, red, orange gradient kinda looked like raw meat. Just felt too violent. We aren't inherently violent.

Finally, I changed the verbiage of "normalization of symptoms" to "destigmatization of symptoms" as I feel the distinction is a healthier way for us to view our of symptoms.

We are struggling with bad coping mechanisms that DO need to be correct, but are misunderstood and need to be destigmatized.

Lastly, the overall more childlike palette as a whole represents trauma stemming from childhood and how suffering from this PD often feels like being thrown back that childhood pain and never learning safe coping mechanisms.

Thank you for reading!

I also previously made a comic about the comorbidity of personality disorders with autism. Though it only briefly mentions my NPD/NPD traits, I still think it's important to add here:

shoutout to everyone with forget disorders (adhd, DID/osdd, ptsd/c-ptsd, asd, dementia/alzeheimers, schizophrenia, other psychotic disorders, major depressive, chronically ill/phys disabled people with brain fog, people with long-Covid, natural memory degradation, and etc.)

Fake claiming is wrong even if:

(Tw: post mentions RAMCOA, CSA, abuse, medical neglect and abelism)

- you’ve been diagnosed your whole life

- you’ve been researching your whole life

- they don’t fit the DSM criteria exactly

- they are undiagnosed

- they are a minor

- they have a large system at a young age

- they don’t feel safe getting diagnosed

- they don’t talk about being a system

- they talk a lot about being a system

- they’re fictive heavy

- they’re factive heavy

- their host is a fictive

- they remember most of their days but not their trauma

- they don’t remember anything

- they remember day to day life but don’t remember trauma

- are happy as a system

- are unhappy as a system

- they do not have daily flashbacks

- they have “weird” triggers

- they are open about being triggered

- they don’t say when triggered

- they are still learning about their system

- they have subsystems

- they are a RAMCOA survivor

- they are a victim of CSA

- they are frequently re-traumatised by their own thoughts

- they are neurodivergent

- they are not on medication

- they ARE on medication

- they were not abused daily

- they were abused daily

- they went through and are vocal about their biggest trauma being medical neglect

- they call out fake claiming as what it is, abelism

Fake claiming is and always has been wrong no matter what the “justification”

Nadia from The Circus Tent System

npd culture is seeing someone mass reblog/like my posts and getting a narc high because yesss they love me they liked all of my posts and then followed me they see how important and special I really am

-feral (if not taken)

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A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.

Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.

What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.

Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.

What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.

Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.

What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.

Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.

It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

-Xanthe

i love you narcissists i love you borderlines i love you bipolar ppl i love you schizophrenics i love you delusional ppl i love you psychotic ppl i love you systems i love you ppl with cognitive disabilities i love you anyone with a stigmatized/misunderstood/"scary" mental illness 💗💗