Trauma Bonding - Blog Posts

The best relationships in series, movies, anime, books and etc...

are those with a trauma bond!

maturing is realizing you don’t want a boyfriend or a girlfriend but rather a partner (good friend, business partner, sworn enemy with whom you must raise children with etc) who you have incredible sexual tension with and that is all

I love this family sm

That movie was spectacular

Ah, trauma bonds.

I must not waste my own love on a love that shouldn't have been. And yet here I am, crying more for my father, who still lives, than for any dead being. There are not tears enough in the ocean with which to express my cries; not enough fire on all the earth to succumb my rage; not enough beauty in this world to make up for the illusory treasure I have forever lost. I must hold my head high and acknowledge gone. I must hold my head high and acknowledge forever. It was not meant to be. I am not dissonant enough to believe there is some higher, divine purpose to this injustice. But I am no longer foolish enough to give him all of my love. I am no longer foolish enough to sell myself to a soul so loveless that it cannot survive without a vessel. It is over. He is gone.

𝕊𝔼𝕃𝔼ℕ𝔼

Ch. 1: after the war

₊✩‧₊˚౨ৎ˚₊✩‧₊

word count: 1,033

tags/cw: self insert, OC, angst, mentions of death & violence, drugs, sibling bonding, unhealthy coping mechanisms

a/n: selene is the backstory to my tmnt oc, Monet. they are the oldest sibling of the turtles and I'll leave a link to their bio so you can understand their character more. this is the first fanfic I've written since 2017 so please forgive me if it sounds like it came from that era. I also don't have a proof-reader, if there are any mistakes I apologize :)

Under the city that never sleeps, next to rumbling tunnels was the surprising quiet of the turtle’s lair and if you were to stand in the center of it all, everything from the world above would be faint to your ears. It was just a few hours away from morning, but there below the skylight on the creaky wood of the highest platform came the harsh stench of cigarette smoke.

A turtle older than the rest taking puff after puff as they stared into the heavily frosted windows above, their aching legs squatting over. Next to them was a busted navy green radio playing some random station, static interrupting most of the lyrics. Memories of everything that had happened in the months before kept them from curling up under freshly washed sheets. Watching the boys they had been around since they were tiny little eggs take down a man, a monster, who had terrorized all of them for years. This whole messed up ordeal was a weight on the eldest shoulders, a weight that wasn’t meant to be carried alone like this. The memory of watching their father die right in front of their eyes didn't help much either, it still lingered in the back of their head hour after hour. And now, because of that, they were responsible for the well-being of four mutant turtles who could honestly take care of themselves just fine but what kind of sibling would that make them if they just abandoned this family because of the heart ache. Splinter would be disappointed wouldn't he? Or maybe he would understand, he had watched his own wife be killed before him, he would understand the absolute horror of witnessing your loved one be brutally murdered before you and the need to get the hell away. Everyday felt like the last, nightmare after nightmare, sleepless nights and aching joints. The heavy lump in your throat that just wouldn't go away, like you're under the pressure of being 20,000 feet below water, swimming up would just be so fucking pointless…

“Monet?”

As quickly as russet eyes widened, the mutant extinguished the flame of their cigarette, discarding it to the side before standing up to face the blue clad turtle behind them. Sneaky brother, you didn’t even creak the wood.

“Leonardo, you should be in bed”

“I could say the same for you” Leonardo retorted as he sat on the edge of the wood, inviting the yellow clad turtle to do the same. The air around them growing thick.

Monet felt themselves huff at the sound of their younger brother’s tone but it wasn’t the first or the last time they’d hear it, and it brought a strange comfort to them. They walked over and plopped down, heavy scarred legs dangling over the wood, surprisingly none of them sustained splinters from these platforms. Leonardo glanced over before sighing and taking off his mask, a habit he had started to grow when he needed to have a tough conversation with someone. He didn’t want the mask in the way he said. Nothing to hide.

“You were smoking again, weren’t you?” It was, of course, obvious. The remaining smoke from the discarded bud still lingering around “Said you would stop months ago”

Monet stared down towards the water below the skylight, one slip and anyone would fall down about 10 feet. The yellow masked turtle shrugged, unaware of the eye bags underneath both their eyes and Leonardo's grim expression.

“It's hard to break habits”

“You know what Donnie said about this”

“Then don't tell him”

Leonardo felt his shell tighten before he shook his head and grabbed Monet's arm tightly, trying to force his older sibling to look at him but they wouldn't budge. How could they? To look into their brother's sharp blue eyes and not notice how much he had grown but instead seeing the baby turtle they had helped raise alongside their father. It was too much.

“Monet, you can't keep avoiding everything, you don't even go out on patrol anymore”

“..I just need time”

“How much time? You're perfectly healthy, and we're hurting just as much as you are but you have to learn how to continue in life” Leonardo spoke up, his words came out a bit harsher then he wanted them to but he had grown far from just worried about Monet.

He couldn't just watch as his sibling withered away in a cloud of cigarette smoke, hell, he had tried to get rid of the packs Monet had brought home but it wasn't enough. Even Donatello, the genius that he was, couldn't find a way to help.

“Please, just..just start joining us on patrol again, ok? We want you around, Mikey misses his big sibling”

Leonardo tried to flash Monet a somber smile but it immediately went away as he watched Monet's eyes tear up as the yellow clad turtle finally looked in his direction. Their bandaged hands trembling as they murmured nothing but ‘I’m sorry’s. He hadn't seen them cry since Splinter’s funeral, Leonardo had finally gotten past a wall of many. This was the moment he had desperately needed to have with his older sibling, to help them heal just as the others had helped each other. Monet sniffled, his snout twitching before they reached over and held Leonardo's face, fingers tracing the details of their baby brother's cheeks, a sad chuckle leaving his throat as he teared up more.

“You’re so much like our dad” Monet whispered as he felt the urge to do something he hadn't done in over a decade.

With a heavy heart, the mutant pulled Leonardo onto his lap and held him close, the exact way a mother would hold her newborn baby. Leonardo froze slightly, his eyes widening in confusion as he glanced up at them.

“What..what are you doing?”

“I used to hold you like this when you were just a baby turtle”

“But I'm not”

“I know, but you'll always be my baby brother to me” Monet just held onto him really tight, a very confused turtle who slowly gave in and leaned into the touch with a warm smile.

a/n: it's shit right? this will probably just be a short series, I just wanted to give Monet an actual story

A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.

Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.

What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.

Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.

What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.

Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.

What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.

Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.

It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

-Xanthe

Trauma Bonding

Imagine you’re 5’5” standing in a pool that is 3 foot deep. It’s comfortable. The water is the perfect temperature, you can freely roam about playing or relaxing. Imagine that once a month, that pool deepens by 2 centimeters. A centimeter is tiny.. you probably aren’t even aware that your body adjusted to the change. You may have had a moment where things felt odd, but you acclimated.

After a year however, your 9 1/2 inches deeper than when you started. It’s still comfortable. You’re still adequately above water. What about two years? Three? Suddenly you realize your 2 inches over your head. You stand on your toes for a while, you can allow your body to float for a while, but your feet always return to try to find its footing. Now you aren’t focused on carefree frolicking.. now you’re focused on survival. You’re tired. You don’t have the strength anymore to signal for help. Why didn’t you get out of the water sooner? Maybe you deserve being in this water. Wouldn’t a normal person have gotten out long before now? The water use to be so amazing though! It felt like everything you ever wanted. It felt safe and peaceful, sure there were storms, but the waters always calmed eventually. You love this pool.. don’t you? You use to. You needed it. Your body felt like it couldn’t survive without it. Your mind was convinced you would never be the same without it.

Trauma bonding is a lot like this. It is a chemical reaction that occurs just like in any other addiction. Your body craves the relationship just like an alcoholic craves alcohol. Just like someone who suffers from a cutting or eating disorder. Just like anyone addicted to gambling, porn, gaming etc.

If you have ever reached subspace, think about that feeling of euphoria, as well as that crash when it’s over. The crash isn’t fun, but that high feels amazing. The only real difference is that D/s is a healthy relationship where both partners support and care about each other. A narcissist loves seeing you crash and knows the higher they take you, the harder you’ll crash. They know the more highs they give you, the more addicted you’ll become. You aren’t being dramatic when you say you feel like you can’t live without this.. your body believes that based on the chemicals regularly created and depleted in your body. It isn’t your fault. But it doesn’t mean you have to stay in the pool. I know it’s hard. I know you’re tired and I know it feels hopeless. I know you just want to breathe. There is help. There are people nearby with life boats, even if you can’t see them. Please check my tags for advice on how to get out.

“One of the great tragedies of all forms of abuse is that the abused person can become emotionally dependent on the perpetrator through a process called traumatic bonding. (…) This is a bitter psychological irony. Child abuse works in the same way; in fact, children can become more strongly attached to abusive parents than to nonabusive ones. (…) Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, they naturally feel a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person.”

— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, 2002

im tired of ppl misusing these terms so:

codependent does not mean two people who have a strong attachment and are very clingy towards one another

codependent means a specific type of unhealthy relationship where one person engages in unhealthy/self-destructive behaviours and the other person becomes their caretaker whilst enabling them, out of a need to feel needed

trauma bonding does not mean two people find common ground because they've both been through similar traumatic events and grow close because they understand each other's experiences

trauma bonding means bonding to your abuser as a survival strategy or due to manipulation. (similar to the concept of stockholm syndrome)

lights camera action by lana del ray gives me emotions that I can only describe as the need to peel off your skin and rot on the floor so that you never existed in the first place and not in a good way. Iblike the song its a good song and she sings it beautifully but I can't ever listen to it and even coming across it on tiktok is enough to send me into an episode. I don't know if I even saw it on tiktok but its in my head now and I was tryna have a good day but its hard when you feel the need to eat your own spine rn.

Time to play my favorite game

am i asexual or am i sex repulsed due to trauma??

we'll never know bc we're too scared to find out