Hi :) I Saw This Set Of Joel And NEEDED To Recreate It With Ellie :)

“Loving masculinity in a woman differs crucially in one way from loving it in a man: In her it is a badge of standing out, not of fitting in. It is grown into through pain, or at least a sense of separation from those less different.”

— Carol A. Queen, ‘Why I Love Butch Women’, Dagger: On Butch Women

confessions (a moment in time)

“Harry, I didn’t think you knew what you were saying, and if I was scared shitless. I thought if I told you I loved you, if I told you that I’ve spent more hours staring at your stupid hair than doing charms homework this whole year, or that my fingertips itch every time I see you because I want to hold you close so badly, or that the night you told me you thought I was brilliant in November, I wrote six pages in my journal about everything I found brilliant about you, I thought if i told you all that that you would laugh at me, that you’d tell me I was crazy and that you were just babbling on drunkenly and that I was a fucking idiot. I wanted to pull you up into my bedroom and take you apart and see you in  my bed and in front of my fireplace and wearing my sweaters and eating my Christmas brunch with mother, I wanted that more than anything. But I was so scared, Harry. I’ve never even told anyone I was gay. Blaise and I hooked up on and off when we were younger all the time but we never talked about it,” Harry shuddered here, and tried to look away, but Draco grabbed his chin and brought their eyes back together.

“Harry, Blaise means nothing. I was trying to pretend that I could move on without you, but I can’t. And knowing that you love me… knowing that the last few months haven’t been a hallucination… that is everything to me. Everything, Harry. I know it shouldn’t happen this fast, but I can’t help how I feel, and I can’t help that every part of me is on fire right now. I know I fucked up at Christmas. I know I should’ve just been honest with you, but I’m a downright coward, which you’ll never hear me admit again. I didn’t know what to do and how to tell you how I felt. I still don’t know how to tell you I feel. I never talk about my emotions and I wasn’t raised to care about anything, but this is different. I feel this.”

“You’re not a coward… and Draco, you have me. You’ve had me since the second week of November when I found you watching the snow and smiling and I realized I could watch you for hours and hours without ever tiring.”

Draco kissed him again, and Harry felt like every part of him was filled with a glowing light.

Draco finally pulled away to look down at Harry. “Why aren’t you wearing a cloak, H?”

“What was that you said about taking me apart?”

“Don’t think we aren’t coming back to the cloak” Draco muttered, but he reached down and intertwined his fingers with Harry’s, dragging him towards his rooms without hesitation.

***

Much later that night, Harry lay with his head on Draco’s clothed chest, switching between mustering up the courage to ask Draco why he had stopped Harry from removing his shirt, and staring at Draco’s perfect hand that played with his own, dancing across his torso.

Draco finally lost his hand and started tracing Harry’s jaw, to incline his head so they could look at each other. “What are you thinking so hard about?” He asked quietly, not wanting to break the magic, figurative and literal, lingering in the air around them.

“You know you’re beautiful, right?” Harry asked back.

“Yes, you could never measure up.” Draco murmured back, accompanying his words with a light eskimo kiss, drowning Harry in his affection.

“no- Draco I mean… I think you’re the most beautiful person in the world. I won’t…. There’s nothing I would judge you for… and! And we’ve talked about your mark before… you know I don’t mind that.” Harry tried to ask without asking, and luckily Draco picked up on it.

“oh… no Harry it’s not that. I’m just… I can’t… I”

“Draco… I love you. There’s nothing you could-”

“Okay…” Draco cut him off and started to unbutton his white shirt. Harry could see his fingers trembling with nerves, so he hoisted himself up to straddle Draco’s waist and brushed Draco’s hands away gently. Silently, he took over undressing the boy—his boy—beneath him. When he finally pushed the shirt off of Draco, Draco sitting up to allow the sleeves to be pushed off, Harry felt his heart sinking to his stomach.

Draco dropped back down to the mattress below him, refusing to look at Harry.

His eyes flew open as Harry’s seemingly permanently cold fingers began tracing the scars. As Harry’s hand shook, he touched the damage that he had caused to this person he loved so much. He couldn’t imagine anything Draco had ever done warranting this kind of pain. The darkness that Harry had come to know started to creep back in and all of a sudden, he felt overwhelmingly nauseated. He practically threw himself off of Draco and onto the floor, stumbling blindly towards the toilets so he could be sick.

Moments later Draco appeared in the doorway to the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of light grey briefs. His pale skin, and even paler scars seemed incandescent in the dark, and for just a second Harry had the breath taken out of him, forgetting his distress and absorbing Draco’s beauty. But then, he saw the tears in Draco’s eyes and it all rushed back. Harry was sick again.

“Harry, stop… you can’t blame yourself for this. I… I was so terrible to you. You were just…”

Harry stood quickly, messily, tripping over himself slightly. “Draco, you have to know I didn’t know the spell… I had just read it in the book. I didn’t know… I didn’t think.. I would have never I-”

“Harry… it’s okay… I started the fight.. I… you were defending yourself and I did much, much worse things… I… Harry, I did such bad things when he was living in the manor..”

“Draco, he was manipulating you.. you were fighting for your life. That was your family. It’s not your fault. You… you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“Harry, you can’t blame yourself for this, then!” Draco gestured to his chest almost violently. Tears started to fall down his cheeks, feeling haunted by images of his past and heart thumping with desperation to convey his feelings to Harry.

“Draco… I can’t forgive myself for hurting you. I could’ve killed you. I could’ve killed the most important person in my life because I didn’t even give you a chance.”

“I didn’t let you give me a chance… it’s not your fault Harry… and guess what? I didn’t die. Snape was there. It happened for a reason, you have to believe it.”

“If it happened for a reason, don’t you think it’s also a sign.”

“What-”

“A sign that… that I’m only going to hurt you…”

“Or a sign that no matter what happens, we are tied together and we will survive…”

“But-”

“Harry, I’ve forgiven you… please forgive yourself.”

There was a sense of finality in Draco’s tone that gave Harry pause. Harry didn’t know what to say. He stood facing Draco; two complete opposites staring at each other, stripped of every facade, and finally his resolve collapsed. As soon as he started to step forward, towards Draco, his was met halfway in a tight, binding embrace. His head fell to Draco’s collarbone and his counterpart held him as close as possible.

They brushed their teeth together in silence, not really being able to keep their eyes off each other. For the rest of the night, they hardly spoke, communicating in soft touches and lingering glances. Harry fell asleep feeling warm for the first time in weeks.

What 2020 is all about:

less: saying yes to people, things and events that are not good for your mental health, more: saying no, setting clear boundaries, walking away from toxic people, doing things and being with people that make your heart happy

less: working up to the point of a mental breakdown, neglecting yourself, more: taking time to recharge your batteries, taking breaks, investing in me-time and self-care

less: negative self talk, more: positive thoughts to remind yourself how amazing, beautiful and capable you are - remember that the way you talk to yourself matters

less: comparing yourself to the path of others, more: realising that you walk your own path, being proud of everything you are and everything you have achieved

less: doing things just because others say so, being afraid to show your true self, more: fully expressing yourself, choosing things because you - and no one else - want them

less: bottleing up your feelings, saying you are okay when you are not, hiding behind a mask, more: being open and honest about the way you feel, being vulnerable, knowing that is is okay not to be okay

less: being too hard on yourself when you have a bad day, more: letting yourself feel without judging every emotion, knowing that bad days are part of the process, being kinder to yourself

push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

My Opinion on Maven Calore

I have wanted to get this of my chest for a while. If you don’t want to read that’s okay, but it might be worthwhile! If you read the whole thing then you are definitely my friend :) Without further ado: 

I fell for Maven Calore, just like Mare Barrow did in Red Queen. I did not immediately fall in love with Marecal at “Thief, Obviously”, and that I think is okay even though most of the fandom did. I was conflicted because at the time, I truly did believe Maven was with the scarlet guard and that Cal wasn’t. Yet Cal was still incredibly kind and sweet to Mare  Then we all know what happened, and I was incredibly angry with Maven and could not comprehend what had happened. 

Throughout Glass Sword, I felt like Mare did, falling more in love with Cal but then also missing a boy that never really existed. But then King’s Cage caused even more heartbreak! I tried so hard to separate the dream and the reality. King’s Cage gave us more insight into how twisted Maven truly is. As someone who suffers depression and anxiety, it often feels like there are two versions of me in my head. One that isolates and self deprecates, and another that tells me to be kind to myself. The fact that Maven truly does not know what is him and what is what Elara constructed is devastating. He has grown up with endless mental and probably physical abuse from his mother. He never felt like he was good enough, that he was a shadow, and I personally know how difficult it is to feel like you are not enough. He is constantly battling so many parts of himself, the desperation and confusion must be terrifying. He admitted to Mare in the bathtub scene that he knows it is his fault that they aren’t together. He shows regret in his eyes when he is marrying Iris. 

I also think the reason why Mare understands him so much is because they are really similar in personality in how they deal with pain and fear. When Maven scratches his hands to inflict physical pain, Mare recognizes that in herself as a substitute for mental pain. Both of them hate each other but no matter how hard they try they can’t let each other go. Their twisted love is so toxic. Like Mare said, if she was raised by someone like that, what would she become? What was Maven supposed to be? Mare could easily become a monster too, and often fears she already is one. Both have murdered. Both are broken. Just imagine if you loved someone, then killed them by accident, then loved another yet had that affection butchered and shattered by your own mother .If you were molded  to become someone else’s tool for their desires, to live a fate you never wanted.

I do not excuse Maven’s horrible actions, but my heart breaks for the tragedy he is. When people say Maven should die, etc. I understand where it is coming from. Hell, Mare wants to kill him. She had the chance to, but she couldn’t. She sees all the layers he has and how difficult it is for him to sort through them and find the truth. In his twisted way, he does love Mare, and that love is poison. I think we must remember that he is a brilliant villain, a beautiful tragedy, and very much grey rather than black and white, but still a broken boy. 

@vaveyard

black + copper + marble = instant tumblr room

you're telling ellie that you had a bad day and she's nodding in such deep solidarity of what you're saying that you don't even notice that she's already started taking off her rings and putting up her hair

hi! just wanted to share this cause she’s so 😫

omg do u know who made this ????? woahhhshshjsis

HEY! FOLK OF THE AIR FANDOM! GUESS WHAT? We have an album made up of brand new original songs all about Elfhame coming to you on June 9. Above you can see our beautiful album artwork done by @eerna as well as our full tracklist! 

As you can see, we’ve written songs about Jude, Cardan, Nicasia, and all your other Elfhame favs, as well as a special song for the Darkest Part of the Forest. If you enjoyed our Grishaverse album Sinners & Saints, then you’ll absolutely love this one too!

You can PRE-SAVE this album RIGHT NOW. Tumblr is terrible about links so please follow the link “our music” on our blog for that sweet, sweet pre-save link! 

We are not affiliated with @hollyblack we are just huge fans and wanted to celebrate our love for her amazing books.