Allow Yourself To Be A Beginner

Some things I really like & should try or do more:

Dereality / weird core image creation

Photography

Fashion sketching

Image collaging

Profile layout, icon, & blinkies creation

I used to do some of these things.. The other things listed are newer or felt like I wasn't allowed to try them. (ocd?)

And I was so young when I behaved 25

Yet now, I find I've grown into a tall child

I can't get my mind off of antifreeze and I can't abandon anybody.

This really has been my past 2 weeks 😭

playing infinity nikki is like:

“so there’s this big race war between the fluffy bunnies and the sparkle pixies over the nuke the fluffy bunnies have locked away in a train. you see, hundreds of years ago god died and the two groups both blame each other for it so they’ve been completely hostile to each other since.”

“nikki we need your help! pinchy the adorable crab has been torn to shreds by a monster! it’s a cover for the dream murderer going after the nuke we keep in our train. quick, get to choo choo station to confront the dream murderer and stop the brain death epidemic they’re spreading!”

“oh no our friend is bleeding out!!!! nikki hurry and go get some cotton and a fish so we can make bandages!”

“so i know you need to get on this train to get your friend life saving care but i don’t believe you’re a responsible person so have this fashion contest with me first”

Infinity Nikki is so fun 🥺🎀

I know therapists and people online talk about being yourself.. But it doesn't seem to work for me at all.

I feel guilty for burning out after masking for a little over a year. I think my masks get assumed as an unstable sense of self by therapists.. despite my attempts to explain my experience. I don't know what's so off-putting about me when I don't mask, but everyone senses something is wrong and fake when I do.

I felt happiest when I was numb on Korlym for 3 years and unable to feel the deepest of emotions.. I feel them deeply again now and it's hard to manage, though millions of times easier than before.. but it's easiest to be numb and follow rules that are easy to find about society. It's easiest and then I don't worry about whether I feel happy or not because I wasn't feeling at all on that medication.

I have been crying for days over a lot of things.. it's so embarrassing.

Things I do:

Draw (anime girls + fashion)

Sing

Write poetry

Journal

Research aesthetics

Plan dream coords from aesthetics I like

Catalog physical music to buy

Practice therapy skills