Nikolay Punin, From A Diary Entry Featured In The Diaries Of Nikolay Punin: 1904 - 1953

ataraxia is serene and blissful but tell me why i exist in a calmness that discomforts me

Franz Kafka, 1912

i consumed you the way i consume media, i dont know if i loved you enough for the cannibalism metaphor

me when red rising fanart

I’m on book two of the red rising series. This is what Darrow looks like in my head.

I know he doesn’t look anything like the official art. I don’t care.

Also I don’t surf the Red Rising tags on here because too many spoilers :,) I will once I finish the books.

the treasures of my life i prioritize as a pupil of a dead party god or dionysus, id love to live in nothing but sex, wine, parties, getting high, falling in love, writing nonsense stories and telling lies, fight for my own right for enjoyment, lose my mind and maybe find it tomorrow

i live in silence as a pupil of a living solitude god if theres even one at all

he stares at me like im adored and i know his eyes arent even for meeting my own, i should not look at him like he can be mine, and i should not already be his

i suffer from addictions, it seems when something fascinates me it's all i can think about or do. i take too much pleasure in playing chess, and get too upset when i lose. i take too much time into my instruments, and lose myself in them in the ways i should not. and also as simple as coffee, i cannot go a day without a cup.

i suppose i am at least glad you fascinate me, and you allow me to let me be addicted. but god am i terrified for the withdrawals because i treat you like a drug.

I need to be so close to her I can't feel her but am her. We merge like greek mythology referencing soulmates, my hands trace up her neck to the back of her head and I hold her chin like she belongs to me. We kiss. I no longer think and no longer am.

god how i crave whatever the hell franz kafka had going on with melina

ultimately where humanity fails is where man succumbs to greed more than he does to love

-journal entry from Nov. 3rd, 2024