Latest Posts by scarlet-anon - Page 4

Lonelyness

I can already see tomrrow in my eyes as I lay here at 3 am. The tiredness that will cradle me as if I'm dying within its arms. I'll lay here until I feel I can't anymore. I know I'll go to stand and fall back again as my legs give out to the pain behind my left leg. The gaping hole that will suck me in and heal back up once it's broken me down into nothing. My existence will not be anolage for my family is gone and my friends are none existent. I'll tell myself I'll clean later knowing that later never comes. And once again I'll hear the low grumble of my stomach as it begs for food i will not give it. I'll pretend that I can't hear, nor feel it as it twist my insides. Im prone to Blocking out the thoughts such as the fact I haven't had a proper meal at all this week, nor have I had proper social interaction, it seems I have forgotten how. I'm upset, I'm more than upset but not quite at the same time. I feel this feeling I haven't experienced much as of lately. But once again it's back. As if I'm it's toy to play with and it's the toddler I belong to. I'm nothing but I slave to its existence. I try to creep away, to disapear, but it's truely no use because im stuck here. My environment is diffrent and because of this. I am lost. ~Anon

Sometimes a guy has to deal with his own shit

So as of lately our shower has been stinky. Like it smells like sewage. Gross I know. So my dad dicided to take a look under the house to see if there was a problem. What he found he wasn't really expecting. The sewage pipe hadn't been attached. So he called our old land lord. Aparently he had forgotten to attach it. What? How do you build a house and forget to connect the sewage pipe? Anyways so my dad dicided he would fix it. Which ended in my dad climbing under the house through all of the sewage to fix it. But you know, sometimes I man has to deal with his own shit. ~Anon

Last night's party

This is all over the place and so out of order but i need to get it off my chest.  So my family always has this thing where when we do get togethers, at night something always goes wrong, someone always ends up crying, and almost everyone is hurt.  So this year it was my sister.  My sister had been stuggling alot lately, and the night before the party talked with her husband and discussed divorce which he said he wanted.  She wanted to forget it so she didn’t tell anyone and she got drunk.  She found this girl flirting with her husband at the party and she got upset, and my brother is also going through stuff so they were going to basicly go and try to have fun and dance and listen to music with their family and forget about it until my brother pulled my sister inside and sat her down trying to give her basicly relationship thiripy, which this was not the time.  Because everyone was kinda drunk, so she was already emotional and my brother made it so much worse.  So I was there trying to calm her down because she was crying and trying to talk and getting overwelmed and dizzy and about to puke because she couldn’t calm her breatheing, and I wasn’t going to leave her because I know how she felt because I used to have really bad breakdowns.  And so my other brother came in and pulled me out and then they went walking up the road so I followed in which I watched someone my sister loves so much as a uncle tell her to kill herself and drive off.  And so at this point I was pissed and my sister was hurt so I was about to beat in anyone’s faces who dared say anything rude to my poor sister who is already going trough so much these past two weeks.  And her husband came up there and my other brother (nice one) and I defended her and he walked away giving up in which I then proceded to call him a dick.  Then I sat by her telling her it’s okay and to calm her breathing and tell her to breath in through her nose and she couldnt.  So we sat in the middle of the old gravel unused road in frount of her grampas old house while she cried as I held her and rubbed her back.  My brother told me to leave because I didn’t need to see her like this because I’ve been struggling with my anxity really bad lately and my sister told me thank you and to leave so I did.  And then I came back to the house.  I wanted to see my mom so I found her in the house where she was drunk and couldn’t even talk correctly, And that’s the first time I’ve ever seen her like that and it was because she had a friend come to the party who got her drunk,  and she’s in bed rn with a hangover too.  And last night she had some girl in the room with her so I walked out.  And my older cousin who sat with me last year while I cried after the party was there again this year ready to bring me into a giant hug again this year.  He brought me outside where we sat on the swing and talked about random stuff.  I texted my boyfriend because at this point my brother and I had already took him home and stopped by our old friends grave and I almost cried then too.  So I texted him and he made me super happy and then my brother and sister came back from up at her granpas house and my other brother came outside to start throwing stuff and yelling and my cusin just tried to distract me by asking me stuff while I cried.  And then my mom came outside while my brother almost punched her And my sister yelled at her.  So mom pulled me out of the house and forced me to go home with her.  Which I was not okay with.  And I cried until I got home and once I was home it was 1 am. Which I proceded to sit alone for 30 minutes on the bathroom floor and cry like it was sixth grade all over again. ~Anon

Dull

Her eyes focused on the smallest particle of dust, as it slowly danced around through the air. She breathes ever so slowly in, then out again. Her eyes fell shut. She took in the quiet.  The small ticks of her clock across the room, the sound of the AC running quietly from the other side of the house. It was as if the entire world was asleep. She Drew in a deep breath, breathing it out through her mouth slowly, drawing it out as long as possible. Slowly she reopened her eyes. She panned her eyes around the dull cold room, slowly taking in every detail. The lighting slightly changed as the sun passed behind the clouds outside her window. Her thighs and wrists still ached from earlier that day. She noticed the small pain on her elbow as well from the night before, where the skin had been scraped and irritated now. Her dull room walls sat around her like a prison cell seeming too slowly get closer as she lay in her bed. Even the large comforter couldn’t keep her warm as the Autumn air hit her neck and face. She felt the warm wetness fall from her eyes slowly, she once more breathed in ever so slowly as her mind continue to scream, she shut her eyes hoping it would all be over as fast as it started. ~Anon

Grandma

I have free time right now so I figured I would tell you what’s going on with me at the moment. The main problem is I found out some stuff about my grandmas condition. She hasn’t been doing good lately, and about two weeks ago she was put into the hospital due to heart failure and while I was visiting her she seemed okay and everyone said she would be okay. They kept her for about four days before they released her to go home. From here on I was very uninformed about how she was and her condition, that was until yesterday. No one told me how she was doing, I actully had to easedrop on my mom telling my older brother over the phone. She is back in the hospital and her condition is terrible. They said she’s back because of her heart condition because it’s racing out of control. They said they can’t fix it either because she’s to old and will die in the Surgery so they are hoping it will slow down by itself. Then aparntly when they arived at the hospital she said she was happy to be somewhere she has never been to before….. she had spent four days there not even half a month before. They told her this and it was completely gone from her memory. She’s getting worse everyday and I’m so scared that she won’t be okay. My grandma is the most important person on this planet to me and I don’t want to lose her. How would I even react to that? Secondly my mind has been getting me down alot more lately and I actully caved in because of my anxity. I’m getting bad again. Really bad. ~Anon

The necklace

I have this necklace. I’ve had it sence 3rd grade and I never take it off. It’s a half of a heart on a black string that says half of ‘best friend’. It’s very important to me. It’s broken countless times on the string and I’ve tied it back together, half of the heart fell off and it’s chewed up from my anxity and it looks so old. Yet I love it more than I can express. My dad has the other side, though it’s been 5 years sense the last time I’ve seen him wear it. ~Anon

Sorry, I’m back.

I’ve been offline for awhile due to school and my emotional state but I’m back now and a lot has happened sense last time i was online so I’ve got a lot on my mind to share. 

To start school is back in as you know and I think I’m already failing.  It’s only been three weeks but I’ve been gone for almost 1/3 of it; not even bringing up my missing homework.  I also am known to procrastinate a lot so my homework for tomorrow isn’t even done yet.  I am trying harder than last year so hopefully I can bring up my grades before the end of this nine weeks.

secondly as you guys know I have a boyfriend.  I told you guys earlier on I said no when he asked me to date him but I later changed my mind. I’ve been crushing on this guy for awhile now and now that I’m dating him I’m realizing how differently him and I do relationships.  I really like him though, any advice?

Third.  I’ve been a lot more down lately and I’m struggling to be happy. I feel like it is this brick that I carry around with me all the time.  I feel so alone in real life because I’m never anybody's first option.  I’m always the person people pick last, nothing has changed there sense kindergarten.  I wanna fit in and have friends but I don't know how. 

That’s just some of the stuff that’s really bugging me right now, maybe I’ll share more later.  I’m sorry for being gone so long, it was so strange not posting for such a long time.  I really didn’t like it.  Hopefully I’ll be back to my normal routine soon.  ~Anon

No, I will not stop talking about my love for KPOP.

Suicide sqaud and boating

Today was amazing! I haven’t felt so alive sence tatinof which was like three months ago… we picked k.R. up at one and went out on the boat for awhile and had a Awsome time! We swam and listened to tøp and p!atd really loud. After that we went out to eat and had a Awsome time. Then went to see suicide sqaud in 3d, which was bomb! I loved it so much and so did he! I only wish we could have done this stuff when we were dating… I also found out today I think I still like him…. I’m kinda screwed aren’t i? But my parents love him and my dad even knows I like him. Jeez dad back off, lol. I’m going to snapchat him for awhile because we are talking about the movie rn but then go to sleep. Goodnight, sleep well. ~Anon

First Skype Call

Yesterday my best friend C.C and I dicided to skype today at 3 pm for the very first time. I waited so long to see her beautiful face pop up. I love her voice, amazing. It was so emotional seeing her for the first time that we could really talk to one another and knowing she is real. I loved talking to her so much and hopefully she liked talking to me too. I really love having her as a friend and I do hope I get to keep her around for along time. C.C. is amazing and I may have only known her for a month and two weeks but she is easily my best friend. I feel like she won’t judge me like others, and for that I am very thankful. ~Anon