This Bot That Just Followed Me Is Making Me Absolutely Fucking Lose It

Musings About Being Addicted To Sadness

TW: depression, addiction, suicide

*

*

*

Addiction runs in my family. Alcohol is the big one but drugs and food are as well. I managed to dodge the alcoholism because I could never get the taste for it. Unfortunately, I find myself addicted to sadness. To misery. I crave it. I intentionally do things to make myself sad or wallow in my feelings when sad things happen. I shop for misery on the internet and I savor it in my mind until I'm nothing but a heap on my bed silently weeping into the night until I just fall asleep.

I feel a relief from sadness akin to the feeling of a painkiller finally kicking in. It's just a wash of peace. I feel at home in it. And that scares me. Part of me is screaming to do something. Dance. Sing. Talk. Run around. Do something -- Anything -- to make it stop so I don't barrel toward something dangerous. But god, I am addicted.

It pulls me in and holds onto me and feels like a warm blanket. The way it blocks me from joy and from life feels like protection. It feels like it's encouraging me to just sleep. Rest. All I ever need is rest. Even if my eyes are tired and dry from crying every few hours. Even if my belly aches from hunger from refusing food. Even if my heart burns from the lack of water. Even if I'm dying. I don't care. Why would I? Dying is the the ultimate form of peace, right? The long silence. The sleep that doesn't end. How could that not be enticing? When you're dead, there's no need for hunger. No need for water. No need for tears. You just rest. You don't have to face yourself or the morbid world ever again. Why wouldn't I want it?

Eventually I always feel better. I look back on the way I wallowed and I feel silly for it. I've felt real, true pain before but I didn't feel it just now so why did it consume me just the same? Then it rears its ugly head again, "You're so stupid for feeling sad over nothing. You have nothing to be sad about and you're throwing a pity party. You're pathetic. The only reason you should feel sad is because you're a whiny insignificant girl who constantly cries wolf on her own brain."

It tries to suck me back in. Usually it succeeds. Sometimes it doesn't. On those good days where it doesn't, I realize it's too late. I've already wasted the day away. I've already cursed myself with a nausea that food can't fix. I've exhausted myself to the point where I'll never sleep that night. I've alienated a loved one who only wanted to help. And all I can do is apologize and hope I haven't finally pushed them to the point of not caring anymore. I can't blame them for not caring. You can only care so much about someone who isn't helping themselves.

I try so hard to improve. I go to the therapist. I take the meds. I read the self help books. I do the worksheets. I meditate or exercise when I have the energy but the progress is so slow that that blanket will slide back over me to tell me to rest. It's too much energy. I'll never get better. And I either have to let it comfort me in its own twisted, life-draining way, or I have to use the last of my energy to shove it off. I wish I could burn the blanket. I wish I could rip it to shreds. I wish I could throw it in the dirt and bury it.

But I can't. I need it.

And I hate it so very much that I do.

all politics about ai aside if you use it to create fanwork you're just a fucking dweeb

oh my God????😭😭😭

No offense but the internet gives you the most wrong and fucked up idea of helping people because people get mad if you don't care about disasters happening in 72 countries, meanwhile the people in real life that are doing the most good picked one VERY SPECIFIC thing to care about and care about it REALLY HARD

calling every instance of showing certain emotions "emotional labor" needs to stop. I just saw a post that was like "reminder that you do not ever need to be a good or kind person" like. Yes you DO???

NOT TRISHA PAYTAS GOING INTO LABOUR AS THE QUEEN DIES

One of the reasons that many autistic women get turned away from a diagnosis is that they are in a romantic relationship. how could she possibly have a disability related to social dysfunction? she was socially skillful enough to attain one of the primary goals of a woman's life, she has a partner! what this ignores is that for women, especially autistic women, getting into a relationship is something that can just straight up be done to you without you taking any action at all or even really consenting to it. Men approach women, involve themselves in women's lives, push women to give them attention and spend time with them, begin forming expectations around the woman's availability to them based simply on having been around her a lot before, and every individual in the woman's life will typically encourage her to grant the man a chance and get into a relationship with him, and will begin asking her questions and forming assumptions that push that relationship further along. when are you two going to move in together? surely you want to have kids! well of course he wants to spend a lot of time with you, you're dating! and so in fact a person who is disempowered due to misogyny and who is also extremely passive and socially confused due to autism can actually be even more likely to wind up into a relationship or always to be in one. hell a great many autistics say that they didn't even choose their friendships at all, those friendships just happened to them by virtue of proximity and sufficient pushiness (or interest) on the part of the friends! so it's actually very easy for an autistic woman, no matter her degree of social skills or ability to neuro conform, to wind up in a relationship.

THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1973) — Dir. Gordon Hessler