You're Not A Monster. You're You. You're Flawed, Yes, But You're Also Incredibly Alive. Just Human. Real.

Grief in Three Bodies: A Conversation by Victoria Chang, Prageeta Sharma & Khaty Xiong

“I don’t want you to save me. I want you to stand by my side as I save myself.”

— Unknown

28

Seeking control isn’t inherently bad.

I am enjoying the silence, the deliberate choices to filter out the noise that isn’t contributing to a semblance of peace. I decide what to read, who to converse with, and who to visit. I bought this massive crossword puzzle book for $15 to ponder when my mind starts to wander. It wanders often. No matter how many times I reassure myself that I need to prioritize my own mental health so I can better help others, I end up feeling guilty and dismiss my feelings despite the reassurance that these feelings are valid.

I'm nowhere close to having processed my own past. My therapist has talked of retirement within the next year and a half or so, which has kicked off worries of what it will mean to try finding a new therapist, establishing rapport and trust, and doing this all over again. That’s tough to do, even if it could lead to feeling more comfortable talking about my life up until this point. The prospect of searching for a new therapist I can vibe with is worrisome. Can I do without? I don’t know. I told my grandma as much.

Tomorrow hasn’t even arrived and I dread visiting with extended family members I haven’t bothered talking to in probably close to a decade over the comments they made about my mom and I, not to mention their shitty treatment. My mom tried to extend an olive branch. Neither of them have changed much. It’ll be in a setting with my grandparents and two other family members who genuinely care about others. Still, this is one reason why I’m not fond of the holidays - too much drama and politicking.

I’d love to be in the spirit of the holiday season. I envy those who can embrace it wholeheartedly without any reservations. They exude joy and excitement, and sometimes it’s enough to spark a flicker of happiness. The light goes out when I’m reminded of how busy work has become and how this is likely the new norm. There is no promise of help. We fight for scraps. There are days where I don’t have the energy or the emotional capacity to persuade myself that this has a positive impact even if I can’t see it in the moment.

I couldn’t focus long enough to read tonight. All I want is to rest and to find a path to taking better care of myself instead of languishing like this. It has to get better.

- 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚣𝚊𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚑 𝚜.

merry christmas to the people who have to pretend to be someone they’re not for their families, who don’t have family to celebrate with, who have bad past experiences with the holiday, who are having a rough year and just want to reach the end of it, who couldn’t afford gifts this year and feel guilt over it. merry christmas to everyone but especially those of you who are feeling down.

we are all “difficult” sometimes. that doesn’t make you a problem or a burden or an inconvenience. it makes you a human being with feelings.

🩷 Digital illustration of a black woman with curly hair holding up a sheet. There is a star garland and there’s text across the sheet that reads, “the tools you needed to survive are not the tools you need to thrive”

Is your soul okay?

18

Maybe they’re right. I am too much, too abrasive, too irritating. Too foolish, too clueless. I try to communicate and to understand where I’ve gone wrong. I try to learn and to do better. Instead, I feel like an idiot who isn’t ever going to get it.

words from we hug now by sydney rose