Forgive Yourself For Things You Did When You Didn’t Know Better, For Things You Think You Could Have

Would you ever tell another survivor that their triggers are stupid?

Would you ever tell another survivor that their experience wasn’t “bad enough?”

Would you ever tell another survivor to “get over it?”

No? That’s what I thought. So, why are you an exception? Why are you not as deserving of your compassion and understanding?

Please show yourself that same compassion, because you are worthy of it.

how avpd might impair your ability to process information/cues when in social situations

avpd can cause hyper-vigilance

this means you are constantly scanning for danger

because you are constantly scanning for danger, you might pick up on incidental actions of others and reinterpret them as rejection (for example thinking everyone who laughs in your earshot, must be laughing at you, when it isn't the case*)

because you are constantly scanning for danger, your processing systems in the brain become flooded and overwhelmed

this means there are no capacities left to actually process the impulses in depth -> everything ends up being labeled a threat

only option left -> withdraw to a safer space with less impulses

alternative, if you don't withdraw: you are then left with a flood of vague sensations that you are not safe

if you are constantly scanning for danger, you are expecting dangerous social cues. this leads to a chance for misidentifying things, overthinking, etc...

as your anxiety goes up you become overwhelmed -> the capacity to process information goes down: a stressed brain is bad at thinking

in this anxious state, everything gets labeled a threat in a scattered way

fleeing environment confirms what you already think about yourself: "you're an anti-social weirdo who can't socialize" -> more shame and embarrassment

this makes you search for even more proof next time you're in a social situation

this cycle is self-perpetuating

🌀VICIOUS CIRCLE! 🌀

coping mechanisms like trying to calm yourself down by thinking about what you're have for lunch later, etc... might even make things worse, because you are not there in the moment, might appear absent-minded, scattered, which can lead to actual rejection or negative reactions from those around you.

this then confirms what you already think: "people hate you, etc..."

i took these notes while listening to this podcast: Avoidant Personality Disorder - Sensitive, Vigilant and Socially Anxious. i really liked the breakdown of the cognitive processes, because they perfectly map onto my behaviour. the podcast is for therapists by therapists and unfortunately didn't offer much in terms of what someone who is suffering with avpd can do, to counteract this. it was more about advice for therapists. however, it was still a great insight and i recommend giving it a listen. especially the first 35 or so minutes that offer different explanations for what causes avpd and how it shows up in people.

*just an addition here: those of us who have been through bullying know that sometimes people are actually laughing at you. if you've been through it before it obviously makes this worse imo. but still, people laughing now, are not laughing at us. especially strangers. and even if they are, it's important to have skills to deal with it and not let it worsen our mood, make us anxious, etc...

holding yourself accountable and tearing yourself down are two different things

how to deal with going from talking to someone every day to reverting to basically strangers:

don’t build them up in your head and idolize them as more than another human being. take off the rose colored glasses.

talk to new people and be open to being vulnerable again.

slowly learn to enjoy the time you spend with yourself.

write down things you want to say to them but can’t and just keep them for yourself to go over later.

go places you used to go to with them and make new memories.

be patient with yourself.

remind yourself that some relationships aren’t meant to last but that doesn’t mean you have to forget them completely.

You’re always growing. 🌼

Being misunderstood is difficult, but it’s okay. Let them misunderstand you. Be so unwavering in your commitment to yourself that no one can take that away from you. You know yourself better than anyone else does. They might never understand, and that sucks, but you can validate yourself even when they don’t. Give yourself the love and validation others won’t - you deserve it. The way you understand yourself is valid even if others see it differently <3.

Sorry to break yall's hearts but this is too well written of a post to not include in here.