the "feeling like something is wrong with you that you have to hide" background noise is often a result of childhood trauma because an abused or neglected child who doesn't rationalize their mistreatment runs the risk of alienating themselves from what little shelter and care is actually being provided. it's theorized that blaming yourself at that age is a way to survive by coming up with a justification for why you're being abused so you don't blame your caregivers for your own suffering, thereby alienating them to the point that you are fed or sheltered or protected even less than you are currently. believing you may be able to "change" so that you're worthy of love also prevents despair/giving up. it's of utmost importance to the survival of very small children to develop a worldview that keeps them alive, even if it's by totally magical thinking and at the cost of their ability to perceive reality or navigate normal human relationships. the same thing can happen to adults in abusive domestic situations.
anyway once you're out of that situation it's time to get really pissed off
A necessary reminder for you and for me. I will allow myself to hurt but I will not let it consume me. I will feel everything I need to and still, in the end, pick myself back up.
@tinybuddha
By the way, you’re worthy now.
Not when you’ve healed. Not even when you started your healing journey. You don’t need to be in a certain place on your healing journey.
You are worthy now, as you are. You don’t need to “earn it”.
Schuyler Peck, Worth the Wait
It doesn't matter if you hadn't done the things you were supposed to do. It doesn't matter that if you finished 1 thing out of 4 things. You don't have 3 more things to do, you have 1 less thing to complete.
It doesn't matter if you had relapsed after a day or 3 of productivity and healing into a spiral again. What matters is that you get back up and start again. Because now you're a bit stronger and more resilient than before.
It doesn't matter if all you did today was getting out of bed, eat and change your clothes while you did nothing else. Appreciate yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve for doing those small things.
It doesn't matter if the only thing you did today was to focus on existing and on yourself alone. Be proud of surviving till the end of the day because you made it through knowing that there was a possibility of you not making it.
Progress is still progress. It doesn't matter if you take small or big steps. You're taking a step and that's all that matters.
Sometimes, you have to decide, “this is the last time these people are gonna make me feel this way” and stand on it. Whether it’s family, a relationship, or a friendship.
forgive yourself for making the wrong choice during a tough time
“Childhood trauma trains us to anticipate other people's needs while ignoring our own. As we heal, we rediscover ourselves.”
— Thema Bryant, PhD
i am not having a mental breakdown i am simply Evolving