Latest Posts by takemebacktowheniwassane - Page 8

Falsettos Incorrect Quotes! (p.1)

[Also, deeply sorry about coming back with another random musical hyperfixation. I'll try to get motivated to finish up the DEH series!] - Whizzer: Can you come out? Marvin: Yeah, just one second. Marvin: Whiz, I'm gay. Whizzer: I know that. Come out to the car. Marvin: Okay. Marvin: Car, I'm gay. - Whizzer: We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare. Jason: Scrabble? Scrabble's great. Whizzer: Not when you're playing with Marvin, it's not. He puts down words like "ephemeral" and I put down "dog." - Mendel: Bonjour, Trina. Voules-vous coucher avec moi? Trina, unfazed: No, I do not want to sleep with you. Mendel: Oh, man, is that what that means? I had a really gross tennis instructor. - Whizzer: Don't worry, I have a permit. Charlotte: ..This just says "I can do what I want." - Marvin: Trina, do it for our friendship- you can't put a price on that! Trina: Yes, I can, dear. Fifty dollars. - Jason: I've never once smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out, there was no pot in the brownie... it was just an insanely good brownie. - Marvin: Can you name a single city in Oklahoma? Whizzer: Oklahoma City, bitch! - Marvin: Being gay is a constant struggle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs entangled as we listen to the birds", and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us. Whizzer: If the window's open and you time it correctly, you can do both. - Mendel: Okay, is anyone in this room actually straight? Marvin: *Raises his hand* Whizzer: *Puts Marvin's hand down* - Cordelia: You know what I've realized? Marvin: Some thoughts are better left unsaid? Cordelia: Nice try, anyways- - Jason: I think mostly I wanna see what happens when this whole place breaks apart. - Marvin: The next time I open up to somebody, it'll be my autopsy. - Trina: Jase... Jason: I can tell by the tone of your voice that I've disappointed you. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming that I do not give a fuck. - Whizzer: New year, same me. Cuz' Im perfect. - Mendel, excited: Heyy! Trina: Hey, someone's excited. Marvin, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick. - Mendel: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I strong or weak? Trina: Strong! Whizzer: Weak. Marvin: An idiot. That's what you are. - Cordelia: Are you alright? Charlotte: Short answer, or long answer? Cordelia: Short? Charlotte: No. Cordelia: Long? Charlotte: Noooooo. - Cordelia: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated! Marvin: Killed without hesitation. - Whizzer: I'm hot, I'm tall, I'm gay, and I'm in my theater kid arc. - Charlotte: Seriously, all you do is bitch. Marvin: I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation. - Trina: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you. - Trina, answering the phone: Hello? Jason: It's Jason. Trina: What did he do this time? Jason: No, it's me, Jason. It's actually me. Trina: What did you do this time? - Marvin: I saw Whizzer for the first time in years.. Jason: And? Marvin: I told him I was an Olympic gymnast. Jason: What? Why?? Marvin: You know when you get nervous, and you end up lying to impress? Jason: ..No. Marvin: Exactly, we've all done it. - Cordelia: My knee just cracked so loudly that I half-expected it to glow in the dark tonight- - Marvin: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real bitch. Whizzer: What changed your mind? Marvin: Oh, I still think your a bitch, I've just grown to like that about you. - Marvin: Would I rather be feared, or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to fear how much they love me.

hey, I'm back!!

i'm back, fellas, and I'm here to make an absurd amount of incorrect quotes

although there will most definitely be a new series for my current hyperfixations.. I may end up updating the dear evan hansen incorrect quotes series, but as I'm a year or so out of the fandom, I'll probably focus mostly on falsettos/in trousers

(props if you know either of those)

tell me if you've got any requests for series if you so please!

thank you for being so patient, I lost my password but now I'm back, sillies

DEH Incorrect Quotes Part 17!

-

Connor: Sure, you're verified on twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god?

-

Jared: Hey random, what are your favorite flowers?

Evan: Peonies, why?

Jared:

Evan: Were you going to get me flowers?

Jared:

Evan:

Jared: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵃ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ

-

Evan: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Jared!

Jared: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

-

Alana: We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without?

Connor: Jared, probably.

-

Jared, talking to Alana: Well Alana, whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘would Evan do that?’ and if he would, I do not do that thing.

Alana: …

Evan, from the distance: He's not wrong though!

-

Jared: Die.

Evan: Please don't die!

Jared: FUCKING DIE.

Evan: PLEASE DON'T DIE-

Alana: What..what are they doing?

Zoe, annoyed and tired: Evan bought a plant and now he wants Jared to accept it as their kid.

-

Alana: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Jared: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

-

Zoe: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

-

Alana: Can we go to a haunted house?

Connor: What's wrong with the one we live in?

Alana: W- what?

Connor: Goodnight, Alana.

-

Evan: If I punch myself and it hurts am I strong or weak?

Alana: Strong!

Connor: Weak.

Jared: An idiot. That's what you are.

-

Jared: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

-

Connor: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

-

Jared: I hate taking off my glasses, because without them, my vision goes from Full HD all the way down to buffering at 240p and I just can't handle that.

-

Evan: Hey, I got a pet snake, what should I name him?

Alana: a pET WHAT?

Connor: William Snakespear.

-

Zoe: Guys, I have a question.

Connor: kys

Zoe: I love you too,

Evan: Ah, yes. Siblings.

-

Jared: Look at the buns on that guy!

Evan: *laying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns*

Alana: This is the comedy police! That jokes too funny!

Jared: I'm not going back to jail!

-

Evan: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.

Jared: Yes.

Evan: Which means he likes both guys and girls-

Jared: Ye- wait, what?

Jared: That's not what bilingual means.

Evan: Shh, it's okay Jared, I still love you, man.

Both:

Evan: juST NOT LIKE THAT-

-

Zoe: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Connor: They do.

Zoe:

Zoe: Why did you say that so confidently??

-

Evan: What's the signal for when something goes wrong?

Jared: We yell 'oh shit!'

Connor: ..That works.

-

DEH Quotes #16! <3 (Incorrect)

-

Evan: What do we call disobeying the law?

Connor: A hobby.

Evan: *Glares at him*

Connor: That I don't engage in?

-

Jared: Alcohol is delicious! I mean MAlicious. Sorry guys, I'm really drunk right now.

-

Evan: What do rainbows mean to you?

Connor: Gay rights.

Jared: There's money-?

Zoe: The promise of God to never destroy the Earth with a flood again.

Alana: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

-

Jared: Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren’t a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.

Evan: Elephants?..

Jared: Blocked.

Alana: Camels.

Jared: Extra blocked.

Miguel: DONKEYS???

Jared: Ultra blocked.

Connor: That dick-

Jared:

Jared: Followed,

-

Evan: Your a lying piece of shit!

Jared: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

Connor: I'm leaving and I'm taking custody of Miguel!

Alana, aggressively putting away the Monopoly board: Aaaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today!

-

Alana: What makes you all smile?

Evan: Friends and family!

Zoe: Snacks.

Connor: I dunno, victory and success?

Jared: Face muscles-

-

Zoe: I'm going to be an adult in two years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do.

Jared: I’m gonna be an adult in less than a year and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Evan: I'm with you there...

Connor: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Alana: Three types of people.

-

*The Gang's thoughts on stabbing:

Alana: Would never stab anyone.

Evan: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Jared: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

Miguel: Would stab without warning.

Connor: Would stab as a warning.

-

Evan: You know what I learned from my friendship with Jared?

Zoe: There’s no such thing as "too mean"?

Alana: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them?

Connor: Always hold a grudge-??

-

11 y/o Evan: Jared won't wear his glasses-

12 y/o Jared: Evs, look, I wore the glasses for today and now I can see so much better. See?

12 y/o Jared: *Points at 10 y/o Zoe* That's Zoe,

12 y/o Jared: *Points at 10 y/o Alana* That's Alana,

12 y/o Jared: *Points at 13 y/o Connor* And that's Sasquatch.

-

Connor: Plants have feelings too?! What is this?? Now I can't even eat my food???

Zoe: You can eat a rock.

Alana: Air-

Miguel, cracking up: The fabric of time and space-

Jared: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.

Evan: You guys are NOT helpful.

-

Zoe: Alright, let's play Kiss Marry Kill.

Zoe: First, who would you kill?

Evan: *Points at Jared*

Connor: *Points at Jared*

Miguel: *Points at Jared*

Jared: *Shrugs* Yeah, I'd probably kill me too.

-

Evan: Look guys, I need help.

Jared: Love help?

Alana: Financial help?

Zoe: Emotional help?

Connor: Help moving a body?

*Everybody looks at Connor*

Connor: ...What?

-

Connor: Don't go picking a fight with me. I could make your life very difficult.

Evan, sarcastically: Oh no. As if I would know what it felt like to have a difficult life.

-

Connor: From now on we will be using code names.

Connor: You can address me as Eagle One.

Connor: Evan is “been there done that”.

Connor: Zoe is “currently doing that”.

Connor: Miguel is “it happened once in a dream”.

Connor: Alana is “if I had to pick a dude/gal/enby”.

Connor: And Jared is..

Connor: Eagle Two

Jared: Oh thank fucking god.

-

Connor: *Coughs out blood*

Miguel: Don't die, Connor!

Connor: Don't tell me what to do!

-

Evan: How do you know how to kiss? Like who teaches you?

Jared: Well it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now.

Jared: Would you like me to tutor you?

Alana: That was smooth.

-

Alana: You look mentally ill.

Jared: I am. Let's go.

-

Evan: I only have two emotions- exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

-

Connor, high asf: Mint is just cold spicy.

The Squad: ...

Jared: What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

-

Connor: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today.

-

Evan: Shut up, your messing with my train of thought!

Jared: I thought you didn't have a brain, and now your saying you have thoughts??

-

Jared: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?

Evan: wHat?

Jared: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Evan: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

-

Jared: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.

-

Evan: I have a new hoodie.

Jared: Wrong.

Jared: We have a new hoodie.

-

Alana: I'm going to ask you to be respectful.

Zoe: I will politely decline.

-

Connor: *writing a letter*

Connor: Dear Santa,

I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...

And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.

-

Jared: When I first met you, I didn't like you.

Connor: I'm aware of that.

Jared: But then you and I had some time together.

Connor: Uh-huh?

Jared: It did not get better.

-

Jared, having recently lost his glasses: KILL THE BUG!!!

Evan: ....That’s a gecko—

-

Jared: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

-

Jared: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.

Alana: How so?

Jared: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

-

Connor: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Zoe, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

-

Jared: Due to personal reasons, I will be fucking sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a metal box.

Zoe: Did Evan say "I love you", and you said "Thanks"?

Jared:

-

Jared: *sees someone doing something stupid*

Jared: What an idiot.

Jared: *realizes it's Evan*

Jared: Wait, that's MY idiot!-

-

Alana: I hope you have an explanation for this!

Evan: We have three, actually.

Jared: Pick your favourite.

-

Connor with a gun to Jared's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?

Jared: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.

-

Connor: What’s up? I’m back.

Evan: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead

Connor: Death is a social construct.

-

Evan: Just think about this! I’m your hottest friend.

Evan: No, that’s Zoe… I’m your nicest friend.

Evan: No, Alana... I’m your friend!

-

Alana: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment...at all?

Connor: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

-

Jared: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Evan:

Evan: Jared, your Jewish.

-

Alana, talking about Jared: Is this a friend of yours, Evan?

Evan: Kind of? Not really. He's in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

-

Zoe: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Alana: Weight loss? Drink water.

Evan: Clear skin? Drink water.

Jared: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

-

Zoe: So, Evan, do you have a crush on anyone?

Evan: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

-

Part 15! :>> (DEH Incorrect Quotes)

Jared: My expectations were low but holy f u c k .

-

Connor: Drink your school, stay in drugs, and get 8 hours of drugs

-

Evan: Don't quote me on this, but I believe murder is illegal.

-

Evan: You played me!

Jared: Like the cheap kazoo you are!

-

Connor: Met a dumbass today. Awful.

Jared: You mean you looked in a mirror?

Connor: Someday you will have to answer to your actions and God may not be so merciful

-

Alana: Oh Fiddlesticks! Well, that really ruffles my feathers.

Literally every other deh kid: Please, just say fuck.

-

Zoe: We need to distract these guys,

Jared: Leave it to me.

Jared: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Evan & Alana: *Immediately begin arguing*

-

Evan: What's the straightest thing you've ever done?

Connor: *Sighs*

Connor: I killed a man.

-

Connor: Evil never sleeps!

Jared: But ugly gets plenty of rest.

-

Alana: Self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath or putting on a lot of make up if you like that, or taking a nice warm nap and stuff like that basically.

Connor: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists. self care is the fear in your enemies eyes.

Jared: Self care is stealing someones birthday cake just to eat the frosting.

Zoe: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.

-

Evan: What is wrong with you?

Jared: Loaded question.. Elaborate.

-

Connor: Remain CALM! *Slaps Evan multiple times*

-

Evan: Your pathetic!

Connor: Your pathetic-er!

Jared: Your both fucking losers.

-

Connor: Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego.

Connor: My Facebook photo is a landscape.

-

Jared: What the fuck's wrong with you??

Connor: Not even a 'good morning'?

Jared: Good morning. What the fuck's wrong with you???

-

Alana: What's your favourite mythical story?

Jared: The Story Of My Will To Live.

Alana: Oh, I don't think I've heard of that one before.

-

Zoe: You know, your talking a lot of shit for someone with two perfectly good eyeballs, each cost at about $16,000 on the blackmarket.

Connor: ...

Zoe: *Lip smack*

-

Evan, to Jared: Firstly, how dare you use mathematics to make me look stupid!

Evan: I'm actually really good at mathematics.

Jared:

Evan: Secondly, I think you might be right.

-

Jared: Is this a good idea?

Jared: Probably not.

Jared: But do I care?

Jared: No.

-

Alana: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number.

-

Connor: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.

Jared: Wrong. I look like a cool rockstar who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.

-

Connor: All of your existences are confusing.

The Rest Of The Squad: How so?

Connor: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.

-

Jared: Oh so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it's "intelligent" and "really cool"

Jared: But when I do it, I'm "petty" and "need to let it go"?? L o g i c ?

-

Alana: What's sexting?

Jared: I'm not having this conversation with you.

-

Connor: Don't weep for the stupid.

Connor: You'll be crying all day.

-

Jared: I am not a whore, and, not that I’ve done the math, but, if I were, I’d be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.

-

Evan: Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire, you may knock once. If I don't answer, assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.

-

Zoe: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

-

and people wonder why I like Travis Phelps and his arc from Sally Face. 

here ya go

I think an underrated horror trope is “insular christian cult worshipping something that slowly reveals itself to be Very Much Not God”.  I think it speaks something to the bastardized nature of american christian sects like southern baptist and others. I think in a lot of ways the way colonialism pairs with christianity in the americas really makes it demonic in ways that horror makes powerful statements about.

As an artist I can confirm that this is indeed the most accurate thing I’ve seen all fucking day.

twinkle twinkle little star

why is art so fuCKING HARD

and then also the fact that they completely deleted the jared part of that fight.

like, seriously?

really?

alana and evan dont even fight, its like their talking but there’s tension.

they do it in a fucking l i b r a r y

like

no

what?

why???

theres no objectively good reason for this song to be cut, if anything its making the viewers hate it more??

or at least mildly dislike?

honestly, when i went into the movie theater and sat down, and got to that segment, i was already thinking 

“Hey, there’s been no depth to any other characters but Alana Evan and Zoe. What happened to literally everyone else? Jared? Cynthia & Larry? HEIDI??? C O N N O R, EVEN?? Well, at least the THREE fights are coming up, now we’ll get to see some actual depth in at least ONE of the characters other than those three.”

and the amount of just-

disappointment i felt when they skipped him

sorry, just ugh my jared actually caring for evan and feeling left behind/having some self-fucking-respect kinning soul

my alana being a strong female who can stand up for herself stanning heart

my evan is not just a victim preaching bRAIN

i cannot handle this, somebody make a petition to remake the movie please. 

from what i’ve seen, the movie soundtrack has already been spoken about, but ill throw my hat in too

the gist here is that some songs have been removed. which like, by itself isnt that crazy or surprising. some songs simply wouldnt translate well on the screen - Finale and Disappear for example, which have been cut

there’s also two new ones - The Anonymous Ones (alana’s new song), and A Little Closer

but cutting to the chase, what the other removed songs have in common is pretty damn unfortunate. 

Anybody Have a Map, To Break in a Glove, and Good for You. 

all three of which notably spotlight ‘side’ characters, especially the parents. To Break in a Glove is arguably one of the only scenes that makes Larry sympathetic. (which is sad bc it already seems like theyre cutting larry’s character into pieces) AHaM is one of the only songs Cynthia stars in. 

And it’s like.. okay sure, I could see AHaM translating awkwardly, fine. Still bummed we don’t get that establishing peek into Heidi’s head, but she’ll have her moments.

it’s Good for You that has me making this post at all. i have had multiple conversations about how bullshit it is that they removed it. the more i think about it, the more that seems like a dire misstep, specifically because theres no way a written scene is going to translate at all. 

to understand why this is bad, let me remind yall what Good for You does. besides being objectively the best song (to which nearly all of my peers agree - and yes that’s not to say it’s my personal top favorite, and that’s why I say objectively. it’s definitely up there tho) in the entire musical, Good for You is unique in that its 1) the only time people finally express to evan how deeply his actions have hurt them and 2) the final word either alana or jared get for the rest of the show.

to be clear like, that’s not a good thing, lmao. it’s one of the biggest criticisms ive always had for the musical, actually. but still, within the framework of the story, its incredibly important.

removing it is dangerous. here’s why: try to imagine this as a songless scene. what i picture is jared and alana arguing with evan / expressing their frustrations. whether this is the both of them at the same time, or in two consecutive scenes, this sucks!

because if its both of them, it looks like evan is being backed into a corner. it looks like hes a victim in that moment. and if its two scenes, thats still slamming down the ‘emotional consequences’ hammer repeatedly the thing is, good for you isnt super literal. as in, its not actually jared alana or heidi taking turns to yell at evan. thats why it works! because theres emotional truth to it - how they feel is real - but its not really happening like that. and thats why translating it would be difficult.

and like i said, its fucking important! so it needs to happen somehow! especially considering jared and alana will both get more screentime in the movie, thus doubly warranting a proper exit / chance to express themselves. 

//takes a breath

thats all to say.. the removal of good for you is not good for the movie. 

assclass things :] (quotes, etc)

-

Mimura: Someone take me to an art museum and make out with me.

Sugaya: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.

Mimura: Well somebody's gotta pin the artwork to the wall.

Okajima, on a walkie talkie: This is Okajima, those idiots are fucking around in East wing again.

-

Terasaka: Some people are like slinkies.

Maehara: What? Explain.

Terasaka: Not really good for much, but it brings a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Isogai: Please don't push Itona down the stairs-

Terasaka, pushing Itona down the stairs: Too late.

-

Okajima: I'm not THAT stupid!

Sugaya: You literally ate the wax off of a babybel?

Okajima: KARMA TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE!?

-

Nagisa, to Karma: Me? I'm the bees knees. But you? Your just...

Korosensei: Cockroach ankles!

Nagisa: Ye- wait, what?

-

Isogai: Karma's covered in blood again. Why is it that he's always covered in blood?

Maehara: This time I'm pretty sure it's his own blood.

-

Mimura: But you CAN'T eat fifteen crayons!

Okajima: Bet I can!

Sugaya: *Sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

-

Kirara: Nice rock.

Yoshida: Yeah, Terasaka gave it to me.

Terasaka: I THREW IT AT YOU!

Yoshida: Isn't he just the sweetest?

-

Karasuma: So, are you going to explain how you crashed my car?

Nagisa: Well, Karma was driving, and there was a deer, so I said "Karma, deer!"

Karasuma: And what did Karma say?

Karma: ...

Karma: "Yes, honey?"

-

Korosensei: I just had a long talk with Terasaka and Kirara about hitting, so now they are yelling "It's my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence!" before hitting each other.

-

Kirara: Thanks for not telling Korosensei what happened.

Itona, dumbfounded: I wouldn't even remotely know where to begin telling this to anyone.

Gonna go rewatch assclass now lol:/

bye [:

Part 14, lol (DEH Incorrect Quotes)

Connor: Funny story, I used an energy drink in my coffee this morning instead of water.

Evan, extremely concerned: And.. how do you feel?

Connor: Oh, my heart stopped beating about two hours ago.

-

Evan: Mufasa’s death scene made me cry again…

Jared: Aww, it’s okay. He’s not a real horse. He’s a cartoon.

Evan: horse?

Evan: HORSE?

Jared:

Jared: Okay, in my defense, I’ve never seen it.

Evan: IT’S CALLED THE L I O N KING!

-

Connor: I love making short jokes about Jared.

Connor: They go right over his head.

Connor: *Dying with laughter on the floor*

Jared: It wasn’t even that fUCKING FUNNY-

-

Jared: My sarcasm has reached a dangerous level, where even I can’t tell if I’m kidding or not.

-

Connor: What the fuck are you doing?

Jared: *Spreading toothpaste on toast*

Jared: I’m multitasking.

-

Connor: Damn! We were so close to having Valentine’s Day on Friday the 13th!

Evan: There’s always next year?

Jared: No, you have to wait seven years! One for each day of the week!

Alana:

Alana: I hope you guys say these things just to mess with me, because holy fuck

-

Jared: I am going to cry, this is a threat.

-

Connor: It’s 2020, why don’t banks just have the slogan “It’s Common Cents” yet?

Jared: I say we demand change.

Zoe: These puns caught my interest.

Evan: Stop. Please, just stop.

-

Jared: Fuck, I want to die!

Evan: Language!

Jared, annoyed: Heckity heck, I want death!

Evan: That was NOT any better!

-

Jared: Well, looks like it’s time to move on to plan 2.

Zoe: Don’t you mean plan B?

Jared: No, because that would insinuate that I only have 26 plans.

-

Evan: Ah yes, my train of thought. Or as I like to call it: The Anxiety Express!

-

Jared: Alright.

Connor: Fine.

Jared: Splendid.

Connor: Spectacular.

Jared: Terrific!

Connor: Marvelous!

(In the Background)

Evan: What are they doing…?

Alana: They're mad at each other, but they still want to talk, although neither will admit it.

-

Jared: What did I do to deserve this? I’m a good person!

Connor: You once pushed me down the stairs because I made a joke about your height.

Jared:

Jared: I’m a good person most of the time.

-

Jared: *Staring at literally nothing, zoning out*

Connor: What’cha thinkin about?

Jared: When normal dogs see police dogs, do they think “Oh no, the cops”?

Connor:

Connor: Do you ever look at your boyfriend and ask yourself how and why you're dating him?

-

Evan: *Picks up his phone* Hello?

Connor: It's Connor.

Evan: Ugh, tell him I'm not here.

Connor: No- it's Connor on the phone right now.

Evan: oH-

-

Zoe: What's everyone going as for Halloween?

Evan: Superman :)

Connor: A clown.

Jared, to Connor: So then we don't need to actually buy you a costume, right?

-

Evan: Connor, I am questioning your sanity...

Zoe: Really? I never questioned it, I knew it was gone from the start.

-

Evan: How is Spring not everyone's favourite season? The trees are PINK, guys!

Jared: But also, y'know, allergies and shit.

Evan: But pink.

Connor: Also it's fucking hot out.

Evan: PINK.

-

Alana: I know you love him.

Jared: I am NOT in love with Evan!

Alana, staring at him and smiling: I never said who.

Jared: *Realizes*

Jared: Shit. Well, anyways-

-

Evan: Uh, Jared, I'm afraid.

Jared: Just stay close to Connor?

Evan: No, you don't get it.

Evan: That's why I'm afraid.

-

Zoe & Jared: *Accidentally set the kitchen on fire*

Jared: We need an adult!

Zoe: But you ARE an adult!

Jared: We need an adultier adult! Go get Alana!

-

Evan: Uhm.. how do you- like- ask someone out?

Miguel: Well, first-

Connor: Don't ask him. He asked me out in a McDonald's parking lot.

Miguel:

Miguel: ...And yet, you said yes?

-

Jared: So. What's the plan?

Zoe: I don't know. Your smart, *Points at Connor* he's mean, come up with something.

-

Evan: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…

Jared: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.

Evan: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…

Jared: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

-

Jared: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Connor: *Sigh*

Connor: Why.

Jared: To get to the dumbfuck's house.

Jared: Knock knock?

Connor: Who's there.

Jared: The chicken, dumbfuck.

Connor:

-

Alana: Evan isn't talking to me...

Jared: Enjoy it while it lasts.

-

Zoe: Evan is in trouble.

Jared: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I'm being honest right now.

-

Connor: Larry has no idea that I'm high.

Larry: Your high?

Connor: Oh, sorry.

Connor, leaning toward Zoe: Larry has no idea that I'm high.

-

Miguel: Connor and I were walking down the street, and this guy drove by and honked at us.

Zoe: What did you do?

Miguel: Well, he chased him to the next red light, and reached his window, and-

Connor, walking in: So, who wants a steering wheel?

-

Connor: I really like Eminem.

Jared: I prefer skittles.

Evan: He was talking about the rapper.

Jared: Why would you eat the wrapper????

-

Alana: Wow! Evan made you cry?!

Jared, tearing up: Yes. He said some mean things that are only partially true.

-

Jared: Evan! What the fuck did I tell you about lying?

Evan, looking down: That it only works on Cynthia...

-

Jared: Is there a fucking cactus where your heart should be?

Zoe: What's up your ass this morning??

Evan: *Walks in* Uh.. hey.

Zoe: Hm. Nevermind, disregard that last statement.

Jared: wAIT NO-

literally my day whenever my mom isnt home omg

"mom's not home, you know what that means" walks around the house talking to the imaginary audience for three hours straight

Jared & Alana:

IM SORRY WHAT?

WHAT?

I LOVE THIS

Dear Evan Hansen: Character appreciation weeks

A fandom event to appreciate each character individually! Each week a new character—check out the full timeline here.

WEEK TWO: Jared Kleinman

From October 31st until November 6th

PROMPTS:

Friendship

Camp

Tech

Loneliness

Jealousy

Humor

Jewish

(prompts are optional, but you’re welcome to use them if you wish!)

Make sure to tag @sincerely-us so I can reblog your works!

Part 13!

-

Evan: Fight me!

Jared, behind him, holding a knife: *Mouths* Do not.

-

Connor: I desire moisture.

Zoe: Just say 'I want water' like a normal human being.

-

Connor, to Jared: Stop calling yourself hot. The only thing you can turn on is the microwave.

-

Evan: What goes up but never comes down?

Jared: The amount of stress you bring me daily.

-

Miguel: How would you like your coffee?

Connor: As dark, and as bitter as my soul.

Miguel: Got it, one cup of milk with extra sugar coming right up!

-

Connor: I could kill you if I wanted.

Jared: Oh yeah? So could any other human being.

Jared: So could a dog.

Jared: So could a dedicated duck.

Connor:

Jared: Your not special.

-

Jared: How the hell are you still alive?

Evan: Honestly, I am just as confused as you are.

-

Jared: *Pulls back the curtain while Evan is showering*

Jared: Did we-- Evan, stop screaming, it's just me. --Did we run out of cheerios?

-

Larry: So what are your political beliefs?

Heidi, trying to sound like she knows what she's doing: Well, I think Pikachu would be a lot more powerful if he had a gun.

-

Connor: Stop failing!

Evan: Don't tell me what to do! I'll fail right now!

Evan: *Succeeds*

Evan: Dang it!

-

Evan: I am a responsible adult!

Jared: *Raises brow*

Evan: I am an adult.

Jared: That's much more accurate.

-

Connor: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

-

Jared, trying to impress Evan: I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities, but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.

Zoe: He turned it off, and then turned it back on again.

-

Evan: So, Jared is no longer aloud to take the trash out at night.

Alana: Why?

Evan: Because I've caught him trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row.

Jared, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.

-

Zoe: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.

Connor: Well, that's just your personal opinion. I don't have anger issues. Do you guys think that I have anger issues?

Jared: Well, you see, I wouldn't call them 'issues'.

Jared: Issues are something you can fix.

-

Evan: My dad's name is just mine as well, so technically I'm just Mark Jr.

Jared: But who comes up when you look up 'Mark Evan Hansen' on google?

Alana: That's what I thought!

Jared: One Mark to rule them all!

-

Jared: Hello, it is I, your favorite person.

Evan: Oh actually, Zoe's my favorite person.

Jared, annoyed but holding it in: Okay, then.

Jared: It is I,

Jared: That bitch.

-

Alana: What's it like being tall?

Zoe: Is it nice?

Miguel: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

Evan: We live in constant fear of the short ones, who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table, and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.

Jared: It was ONE time!

-

Alana, who just won Evan at armwrestling: I am strong! I beat Evan at armwrestling!

Connor, who has beaten Evan at armwrestling at least 7 separate times: Anyone can beat Evan at armwrestling.

Evan, who really just lets everyone win at armwrestling to be nice: Hey-

-

Miguel: Connor's gonna kill me.

Zoe: No, he'll probably just make me do it.

-

Evan: We can't tell you because your not a member of the club!

Jared: What club?

Connor: The Hating Jared Kleinman Club.

Jared: What the fuck? I should be the president of that club!

-

Alana: The clock is ticking! We don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery!

Jared: The unmitigated poppycock?

Zoe: Extravagant hogwash!

Evan: Okay, stop.

-

Evan: How do you tell someone that you want to have sex with them in a polite way?

Connor: Excuse me Mr, would you give me the honour of indulging in sexual activity with you?

Jared: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

-

Jared: *Speaking Spanish*

Evan: I know, I know.

Alana: You speak Spanish?

Evan: No. I just know the phrase 'this is all your fault' in every language Jared speaks.

-

Zoe: The ritual. To perform it requires a sacrifice.

Connor: Sacrifice? I nominate Jared.

Jared: Wait, what?

Connor: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.

Jared: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!

Evan: It's not that kind of of sacrifice guys!

-

Zoe: Connor won't wake up, what do I do?!

Jared: Did you try kicking him??

Zoe: Yes!

Jared: Then I'm out of ideas.

-

Evan: I asked Zoe out.

Jared: Oh, I'm sorry.

Evan: Why?

Jared: I just assumed she said no.

Evan: No actually, she said yes.

Jared: Oh.

Jared: Then I'm sorry for her.

-

Evan: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter a.

Alana: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.

Jared: Fuck you.

-

Jared: Zoe, I know you love Evan. I mean, we all do, he's a very nice person and I totally respect him deep down.

Jared: But I think he might be a fucking idiot.

-

Zoe: How high are you?

Connor: Hm, I don't know how to say it in feet.

Evan: No, she's asking you about what drugs your on.

Connor: Oh, antidepressants, why?

-

Evan: Connor gave me a Get Well Soon card.

Alana: Awhh, that's nice of him.

Evan: I wasn't sick, he just thought that I could do better.

-

Evan: Hey Jared, Connor just broke my seashell lamp,

Jared: Neat, I'm gonna die alone.

Evan:

Evan: Okay, you win.

-

[During the 'Evan using everyone and being a fucking asshole' segment]

Alana: You really believe in Evan?

Jared, annoyed: Luckily, he believes in himself enough for both of us.

-

Heidi: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Evan. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Evan!

Jared: Nope.

Heidi: In that case, as the archbishop of Jared's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Evan right on the lips!!!

-

Connor: Go. Let it out. Cry, Evan. If you don't, your tear ducts will get blocked up, and then when you get old, you won't be able to cry.

Alana: Just when we thought it was safe to add you back into the conversation.

Happy Two Days from Halloween! Have some quotes!! (Part 12)

-

Jared, to Evan: If Karma doesn't hit you, then I fucking will.

-

Alana: If you got arrested.. what would be the charges?

Jared: Theft.

Evan: Disturbing the peace?

Zoe: Aggravated assault.

Miguel: Arson.

Connor: All of the above. In that order, probably.

-

Evan: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

Zoe: No.

Miguel: I did not

Connor: I think I may have actually forgotten one-

Jared: Also no.

Evan: Oh good, neither did I.

Alana: *Exhausted sigh*

-

Jared: I'm the smartest person in my friend group.

Alana: You hang out with Evan, Zoe, Connor, and Miguel.

Alana: It's not as high a compliment as you think.

-

Connor: The floor is lava!

Alana: *Helps Zoe onto the counter*

Miguel: *Kicks Evan off of the sofa*

Jared: *Lays on the floor*

Evan: Are you.. are you okay-?

Jared: No.

-

Evan: Fine! Judge all you want, but-

Evan, pointing to Zoe, then to himself: Dated a gay person!

Evan, pointing to Jared: Left a man at the altar!

Evan, pointing to Alana: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer!

Evan, pointing to Connor: Threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire!

Evan, pointing at Miguel: And you live in a box!

-

Jared: Evs is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Connor: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Zoe: Tackle him!

Miguel: Dump him-

Evan: NO TO ALL OF THOSE! JUST ASK ME TO BEND DOWN!

-

*Squad's reaction to being told that their 'the chosen one'*

Alana: I will not let you down.

Zoe: Sounds fun.

Connor: K.

Jared: No, I'm fucking not.

Miguel: Do I HAVE to?...

Evan: Please God, I am so tired.

-

Evan: Is the slap mark still visible?

Connor: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.

Zoe: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.

Alana: Gonna be honest... A palm reader could tell the person who did that's future just by looking at your face.

Jared: The phrase 'talk to the hand cuz the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you because the hand IS your face.

Evan:

Evan: Y'know, the word 'yes', isn't hard to say. At all.

-

Zoe: DUMBEST SCAR STORIES, GO!

Alana: I.. burned my tongue once drinking tea :(

Connor: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and it burned.

Evan: I have a piece of graphite in my leg from the first grade when I accidentally stabbed myself with a pencil.

Miguel: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave, and it spilled on my hand and I got a really bad burn.

Jared:

Jared: All my scars are emotional. Mostly because I'm not an idiot.

-

Evan: I am not at all proud of what I am about to say, but someone get me a cigarette.

Alana: But Evan, we don't smoke. And Connor hasn't for like, two months. Neither has Miguel.

Evan: Cut the crap... I'm not an idiot. I know that one in five people smoke.

Evan: *Points at Connor* One, *Points at Miguel* two, *Points at Jared* three, *points at Zoe* four, *Points at Alana* five.

Evan: Now, I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, there better be a cigarette in my hand.

Jared: *Sighs*

Jared: *Puts a cigarrette in Evan's hand*

Evan: Thank you. ...Light?

*All simultaneously pull out lighters*

-

Alana: Christmas lights?

Evan: Check.

Alana: Thermos of hot cocoa?

Evan: Check.

Alana: Santa suits?

Evan: Check.

Alana: Shovel?

Evan: Check.

Jared: Alibi and bail money?

Evan: Chec-- wAIT WHAT?!

-

Evan: Jared kissed me!

Alana: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Evan: It was just- so- unbelievable!

Alana: AAA! OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOSH!

Zoe: Okay, we want to hear everything. Alana, get the wine and unplug the phone. Evan, does this end well or do we need tissues?

Evan: Oh no, it ended very well.

Alana: Do. Not. Start. Without. Me!

Zoe: Alright, now let's hear about that kiss. Was it like, a soft brush up against your lips or was it a, you know.. "I gotta have you now" kinda thing?

Evan: Well, at first it was really intense, y'know? And then.. Oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

Zoe: Ohhh... so was he holding you? Or was his hands on your back?

Evan: First they started on my waist in then they slid up and were in my hair.

Alana: Awhh!

Zoe: Ooo~

*Meanwhile*

Jared, eating pizza with Connor at his house: So then we like, kissed. I guess.

Connor: Tongue?

Jared: Yeah.

Connor: Cool.

-

Evan: Stressed.

Jared: Depressed.

Connor: Possessed.

Zoe: Obsessed.

Miguel: Impressed.

Alana: Chicken breasts-

Zoe: What the fuck?

Alana: Sorry, I know, I just wanted to join in.

-

Zoe: You know, when Evan comes over.. Connor can get a little bit...

Jared: Psycho?

Alana: Scary?

Miguel: Drunk?

Zoe: All three.

-

Zoe: Out of Connor, Evan, Jared, me and Miguel, if you had to, who would you punch?

Alana: None of you! Your my friends and I wouldn't punch any of you!

Jared: It would be Evan, wouldn't it?

Alana: ...Okay yes, but I don't know why.

-

Jared: Is it just me or is instant ramen better uncooked?

Evan: It's just you.

-

Connor: You spent all your money on THIS?!

Miguel, putting tiny raincoats on baby ducks: They live outside. They need this.

-

Connor: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed on the souls of the living, I strike fear into-

Zoe: You sleep with a teddybear.

Connor: hE IS THE SECOND IN COMMAND OF MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!

-

Jared: Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "There are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants so much more advanced than us.

Evan: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:

Evan: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

-

Jared: Kill me nowwwwwwWWWWWWW

Evan: No can do. I need you for help with my homework.

*Insert Jared glaring at him*

-

Evan: N.. No!

Jared: A fair rebuttal. However, consider the counterpart:

Jared: Y...yes?????

-

Connor: Are you tall enough to play basketball, though?

Jared: Are you calling me short?

Connor: I'm calling you vertically challenged.

-

Evan: Tomorrow's garbage day.

Jared: I can't believe they made an entire day just dedicated to you.

-

Alana: Hey, aren't you Connor Murphy?

Connor: Are you a cop?

Alana: N..no?

Connor: Then yes.

-

Miguel: Life could be worse, Connor.

Connor: Yeah, life could be a lot better too!

-

Jared: Ah, ready for another fantastic day of being better than Evan.

-

Evan: Are you a masochist or a sadist?

Jared, deadpanning: I'm a Taurus.

PART 11 BABY, BOOYAH!

-

Evan: That's ridiculous! Jared doesn't have a crush on me!

Connor: Yes he does.

Alana: Yes he does.

Jared: Yes I do.

-

Jared: Where's Evan?

Zoe: Connor locked him in the bathroom...

Connor: Damnit, Zoe! You weren't supposed to tell him!

Jared: Nah, I'm cool with it.

-

Evan: I am darkness. I am power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can even imagine. I am the fury, I am the weapon, I am-

Zoe: A doll.

Alana: A cinnamon roll!

Jared: A sweetheart

Evan:

Evan: Stop it....

-

Connor: The hell is up with Kleinman? He's been laying there on the floor, for like, an hour?

Alana: He's just a little overwhelmed.

Connor: Oh really. From what?

Zoe: Evan smiled at him.

-

Jared: *Taps fingers on table*

Connor: *Taps back*

Alana: What are they... doing?

Evan: Morse code.

Jared: *Aggressively taps fingers on table*

Connor: biTCH YOU TAKE THAT FUCKING BACK-

-

Jared: Evan's gone! We can do anything. What does everyone want?

Miguel: I want Connor back.

Jared:

Jared: I've got, like, 12 dollars.

-

Alana: Jared isn't answering his phone.

Evan: I'll call.

Zoe: Me and Alana have both separately tried 6 times, what makes you think-

Jared: Hello?

-

Connor: The moon looks beautiful tonight.

Miguel: Mhmm.

Zoe: Should we tell them that it's just a tortilla we threw at the window earlier?

Evan: Ehh....

-

Connor: Your grounded.

Zoe: I'm... grounded?

Connor: Yes, your grounded.

Jared: We're gonna bury you until you learn your lesson.

Zoe: That's not how grounding works.

-

Jared: ARE YOU-

Zoe: Fucking.

Jared: KIDDING ME? THIS IS-

Zoe: Bullshit.

Alana: What are you doing?

Zoe: Evan took away Jared's swearing privileges, so I'm helping him out.

-

Alana: Why does Jared have a black eye?

Evan: He was saying 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me'.

Evan: So Connor threw a dictionary at him.

Connor: It was just to test a theory.

-

Looks like a cinnamon roll/Can actually kill you: Jared

Looks like they can kill you/ Is actually a cinnamon roll: Evan

Looks like a cinnamon roll/IS a cinnamon roll: Alana

Looks like they can kill you/CAN actually kill you: Connor

-

Zoe: Truth or dare.

Jared: Dare.

Zoe: Kiss the hottest person in the room.

Jared: Hey, Alana?

Alana: I-um-yeah?

Jared: Could you move, Evan's right behind you?

-

Jared: You have friends and I envy that.

Evan: You can share my friends???

Jared: *Looks at Alana and Connor*

Jared: Yeah, I don't want those.

-

Connor: Hey bitch, do you love Evan?

Jared: I guess, yeah.

Connor: HA! Take that, Zoe. You owe me one hundred bucks, I told you he was gay!

Jared: Dude, everyone loves Evan? You should have asked if I was in love with him.

Connor: I thought that was implied.

Jared: ...

Connor: ...

Zoe: Connor, I think you just earned yourself one hundred dollars.

-

Evan: *Sits down*

Alana: This bench is freshly painted :)

-

Evan: Oh my god, I think I like Jared.

Connor: Congratulations, you are officially the LAST one of us to figure that out.

Connor, turning his head: Hey, Miguel! I won the bet!

-

Miguel, looking at Evan and Zoe: They make a cute couple, don't they?

Jared, annoyed with Zoe and Evan at this point: They certainly are standing next to each other...

-

SPOOKY QUOTES!

Connor, high asf: Trick or YEET?

Child: Uh... yeet?

Connor: *Throws the child*

-

Jared, texting: So, what do you want to be for that halloween party?

Evan, texting: Yours :)

Jared:

Jared: Yeah, that would be pretty scary.

-

Alana: I thought you were setting up decorations for halloween?

Jared: I am.

Alana: Your just hanging up pictures of Connor.

Jared: You said you wanted scary decorations.

-

[In a horror movie... phone rings]

Evan: Yes?

Killer: I can see you.

Evan:

Killer:

Evan:

Killer:

Evan, panicking: Do I look good?

-

Evan: Guys, we're out of candy.

Jared: Wha... but there's only been, like, three kids so far?

Evan: Yeah, but this little girl told me she loved me and I panicked and just ended up giving her everything.

-

Evan: So.. what's your type?

Jared: Most likely someone who I'm not constantly on the same page with, who I can sort of argue with playfully and who likes talking about their interests. And like, their favourite season is spring, and their favourite holiday is Halloween, and their cute.

Evan: Oh, that sounds like me.

Evan: Too bad I'm not cute.

Jared:

Jared: Did I mention stupid?

Evan: Uh... no?

Jared: Well I meant to. Just making sure.

-

Jared: I'm not doing too well.

Jared: I have this headache that comes and goes.

Evan: *Walks in*

Jared: Oh, there it is again.

-

Jared: What are you, five?

Evan: Yeah,

Evan: Five heads taller than you.

Jared:

Evan:

Jared:

Evan: I am so sorry, please don't kill me.

-

Alana: Great work with the halloween decorations! Where did you get the fake skulls from?

Connor: F a k e ?

-

Miguel: It's totally fine you didn't dress up for halloween.

Connor: Oh no, I'm dressed up as a straight person.

Evan: *Walks in wearing the same thing as Connor*

Connor, looking at Jared: See?

-

Miguel: What should I be for halloween?

Connor: My boyfriend.

-

Alana: Jared! What is this?

Jared: My to-do list.

Alana: Oh, that's great! I'm so glad that your starting to-

Alana:

Alana: Jared, this just says 'Evan'.

so...

idea:

at some point i am going to just end up drawing jared saying the line "i'm blind, not deaf" because honestly

that joke is only used for fully blind characters and i

just let it be for a character with glasses it would be funnier and less played out

It's Quote Time Again (P- pt. 10? I think?Dk)

-

Jared: Do you consider me your friend?

Evan: Uh, yeah. What else would you be?

Jared: I don't know. An embarrassment? A way to rebel against Hedi? A desperate cry for help? The list is endless.

-

Zoe: Oh my god, Evan! Those pants look great! And I bet they would look even better on Jared's floor!

Jared: Did

Jared: Did you just hit on Evan... for me???

-

Connor: I'm thinking of a number-

Zoe: 420.

Connor: No, that's so fucking immature of you. Someone else guess.

Jared: 69.

Zoe: He literally just said-

Connor: Yeah, it was 69.

-

Evan: Mom, do you know anything about emails? Specifically how to fake them?

Heidi: Emails? Evan, what is this for?

Evan: . . .

Evan: Fun

-

Alana: Do you want to talk about it?

Jared: No, I just want to cry and watch memes.

-

Zoe: I had a dream that we got in a huge fight.

Connor: Who won?

Zoe: Me.

Connor: Yup. Definitely a dream.

-

Mark: We got a divorce.

Heidi: No, we messed up a perfectly good son. Look at it, it's got anxiety.

-

Alana: What does BDSM mean?

Jared: Being Dead Sounds Magnificent.

-

Alana: Why are people so caught up in top or bottom? Honestly, I would be super happy just to have a bunk bed!

Connor:

Evan:

Zoe:

Jared: I'm gonna tell her.

Zoe: Don't you dare

-

Evan: When was the last time you ate?

Jared: Food is a social construct created and perpetuated by large scale agricultural interests.

Evan: It's... it's really not.

-

Connor: It's hard to be the gay cousin, the emo cousin, and the family failure, but someone's gotta do it.

-

Alana: You should really get over Evan, Jared.

Jared: I'd rather get him under me.

Alana:

Alana: Touché.

-

Zoe: I dare you to kiss the next person that walks in the room.

Connor: Eh, no. That's stupid.

Miguel: *Walks in* Hey, anything cool happening in here?

Connor: Okay, well maybe I'll do it. Rules are rules, y'know...

-

Evan: Have you ever had a partner?

Jared: Nah.

Evan: Wha- how?!

Jared: *Shrugs* I dunno, never asked, never got asked.

Evan: *Under his breathe* But your kinda really hot though..

Jared: What?

Evan: What?

-

Jared: I fucked up. I fucked up,

Evan: Why? What happened?

Jared: I fucking fell for someone.

Evan: Damn. Must be someone really special for The Insanely Heartless and Cold Jared Kleinman to fall for them.

Jared, glaring at Evan: Yeah. Real special.

-

Connor: Miguel is out of town, I'm cutting off all of my shirt sleeves.

Alana: ...Why?

Connor: He's pretty much, like, %90 of my impulse control.

-

*SQUIPed Jared AU bcz I felt like it*

J's SQUIP: Straighten your back.

Jared: My back will be as gay as I want it to, fuck you.

-

Evan: Kiss, marry, kill: Me, Connor, Alana

Jared: Kiss Alana, marry you, kill Zoe.

Zoe: I wasn't even on the list, what the hell?

-

Zoe: Settle a bet, what day is it?

Jared: Friday?

Zoe: Well, well, well, looks like none of us got it right. This idiot thought it was Tuesday. *Looks at Connor*

-

Evan: I look back on being 17 and think:

Evan: "Oh my god, how did I not die?"

-

Evan: Why would you give Connor a knife?

Zoe, the tired younger but more mature sibling: He felt unsafe.

Evan: Well, now we feel unsafe! *Points to himself and Jared*

Zoe: I'm sorry,

Zoe: Do you want a knife?

-

Connor: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Evan: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

Jared: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Alana: My life is a little too much imagine and not NEARLY enough dragons.

-

Novel Evan: Okay! Step one of being popular: Be straight.

Novel Jared: *Exists*

Novel Evan, bi panicking: Okay! Failed step one!

-

Alana: When I was small-

Jared: *Snorts*

Jared: "was"

(He likes to feel tall)

-

Novel Evan: I'm pretty good at hiding crushes!

Novel Jared: *Walks in*

Novel Evan: I have to gay- I mean go

AAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

POTC PHASE COMING BACK TO ME

oh

this exists

a wild egg appeared?

everyone who reblogs it before Oct 25 will get a Pokemon based on their blog in their submit inbox (make sure submit is open!)

happy hatching!

Them 🥺

Head empty just gay

Evan and Jared?

Evan and Jared.

my favorite thing is when people are like “this is my favorite character and they suck”. not even “they are flawed but I still like them” just “I like them because they’re pathetic”

every single fucking time i see reddie all i can think is that

that their a younger version of jared and evan

kill me

i need to draw this as kleinsen now plsplspls

9!! Part 9!!1!1! >:0

-

Evan: You actually rank you're friends by their appearance???!

Jared: Calm down, number 2.

-

Alana: Everyone, synchronize your watches!

Connor: I don't know how to do that.

Evan: I don't have a watch?

Jared: Time is a construct.

-

Evan: Apparently, we're getting someone new in the group. (Miguel)

Zoe: Did you steal them?

Jared: New or used?

Evan:

Evan: Wonderful responses, both of you...

-

Zoe, setting down a card: Ace of spades

Connor, pulling out an Uno card: +4

Jared, pulling out a Pokemon card: Jolteon, I choose you.

Evan, trembling: What are we playing

-

Connor: Can I be frank with you guys?

Jared: Sure, but I don't see how changing your name is gonna help.

Evan: Can I still be Evan?

Zoe: Shh, let Frank speak.

-

Alana: You know those things will kill you, right?

Jared, pouring another glass of whiskey: That's the point.

Connor, smoking a cigarette: We're trying to speed up the process.

Evan: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

-

Connor: On a scale of "damn Daniel" to "fre sha vaca do", how are you feeling?

Zoe: In between "It's an avocado, thanks" and "how did you defeat Captain America", but as a solid answer I would say "I don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger". How about you, Jared?

Jared: Probably "Road work ahead"

Alana: I speak many languages. But this

Alana: This is not one of them

-

Evan: How did any of you not hear what I just said??

Connor: I've been zoned out for the past 2 and a half hours

Zoe: I got distracted about halfway through.

Jared: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

-

Zoe: I think we're missing something...

Evan: Teamwork?

Alana: Cohesion?

Connor: A general sense of what we're doing?

-

Zoe: Yo is Jared sleeping, or dead?

Connor: Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.

Evan: Ah, same.

Jared: Okay, first of all fuck you-

-

Zoe: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Jared: Not if they consent to it.

Connor: Depends on who your stabbing.

Evan: YES?!?!

-

Alana: Why's Jared so sad??

Zoe: So he took one of those 'Which character are you' tests.

Alana: Go on

Zoe: He got Evan.

-

*Squad reactions to being told "I love you"*

Alana: Thanks fam!

Connor: Oh no.

Zoe: *Cries* I love you too

Jared: Sounds fake but okay

Evan: *A flustered mess*

Miguel: Can I get a refund?

-

Evan: Croissants: dropped

Alana: Road: works ahead

Zoe: BBQ sauce: on my titties

Miguel: Shevacado: fre

Jared: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead

Connor:

Connor, grumpy and tired: I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

-

Alana: Just be yourself!

Connor: Be myself? Alana, I have to one day win Miguel over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

Evan: ...Couple weeks.

Zoe: 16 years.

Jared: Jury's still out.

Connor: See, Alana?

Connor: "Be yourself". What kind of garbage advice is that?

-

Evan, walking into his apartment: Hello people who do not live here.

Jared: Hey.

Alana: Hi! :)

Zoe: Hello.

Evan: Guys, I gave you the key to my apartment for emergencies only.

Connor: It was an emergency

Connor: We ran out of doritos.

-

Zoe: Hewwo.

Alana: Hihihi!

Evan: Hello, humans.

Connor: Three kinds of people.

Miguel: I want pudding.

Connor: Four kinds of people.

Jared: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?

Connor: Five kinds of people...

-

Evan: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

*After Good 4 You*

Alana: Nope, absolutely not.

Connor: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Zoe: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Miguel: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Jared: Can't wait to go to you're funeral knowing I could've changed that outcome.

-

Evan: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be stuck forever in that position, forced to starve to death?

Jared: How should I know?

Zoe: You say, as if we don't use you as a source of information on the occult.

Jared: *Sighs*

Jared: You wouldn't be stuck.

-

Evan: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Jared: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Evan: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Connor, high as a kite: edible

-

Evan: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Jared?

Jared: ...No.

Connor: I do.

Evan: I know, Connor.

Connor: I'm sad.

Evan: I know, Connor.

-

Heidi: So, how was your day?

Evan: We almost got surprise-adopted.

Heidi: What..?

Jared: We almost got kidnapped.

Heidi: Oh, okay.

Heidi: *Slams on breaks* wAIT, WHAT?!

okay but

everybody in the friend group, specifically when jareds being rly bitchy, make like, glasses jokes

it just slips one time for evan and he ends up calling him “poindexter” or some shit i swear to god-

jared straight up tries to deck this bitch no kidding

long story short, evan ended up with a black eye and jared didn’t apologise for a while and stopped talking to him

he wasnt that offended it just sorta pissed him off that it went that far??? 

he was sorry tho-

one day evan just finds a handwritten letter at his door, and it says something like:

“dear acorn,

sorry that i punched you and your dumb face

i wanted to say it earlier but it got complicated

sorry this is stupid

dont ever fucking call me that again or ill deck you again

-jared”

evan reads it like 3 times and then texts him and asks if it was meant as a joke and jared comes over and just hugs him for like 2 seconds then pulls away and evans like

“oh

holy

shit”

“i will throw you off a building if you tell anyone about this”

“very aggressive sir” “sorry” “i was joking, i wont tell anyone”

“and um”

“thanks for the letter, your apology has been accepted.” “seriously?”

“yeah yeah but i think i want a longer hug than that” “fuck off” “jaaaaareeeee you gave me a black eyeeeeeee” “and im sorryyyy now get over ittttttt” “:(” “okay fiiiiiine. you are so needy” “hey jared?” “whhhat” “stfu”

This is me on a year and a half of Dear Evan Hansen -sleep deprived -obsessed -picking up bad habits from characters with issues sTILL Don't do drugs, kids.

Me

ily: i love you

ilysm: i love you so much

hsumpaoottwatlttutlcwlRH97swcdwww: hey so um my parents are out of town this weekend and the last time they used the liquor cabinet was like, Rosh Hashanah ‘97 so we can drink whatever we want

DEH Incorrect Quotes Pt. 8 I Think??

-

Jared: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

Evan:

-

Jared: I feel like doing something stupid.

Evan: I'm stupid.

Jared: ...?

Evan: Do me?

Jared: oH-

-

Miguel: As the top of this relationship, I think we should-

Connor: I can't believe your pulling rank on me.

-

Evan: I still have no idea how I'm attracted to you...

Jared: Too bad. You're stuck with me now, honey.

-

Evan: My life is a mess.

Jared: Relax. Go get a beer.

Evan: I don't want a beer?

Jared: Who said it was for you?

-

Evan: We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks.

Connor: How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the fucking plants.

-

Jared: I'm bored, any suggestions?

Alana, trying to get him to have a decent sleep schedule: Sleeping is nice.

Jared: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

-

Connor: When life gives you lemons, what do you do?

Alana: Make lemonade! :)

Connor: No! You throw the lemons back up into the sky and make life deal with it's own shit!

-

Evan: That's illegal, right?

Jared: Why do you care, are you fucking a cop or something?

Evan: No-

Jared: Then shut the fuck up.

-

7 year old Zoe: I lost my fish, can you help me find it?

9 year old Connor, cooking the fish: What? Speak up, I can't hear you.

-

Alana: Just be yourself, say something nice!

Jared: Which one? I can't do both.

-

Zoe: Are you drinking enough water?

Evan: Sometimes my tears get in my mouth.

-

Evan: I wanna die.

Jared: We all do, you're not special.

-

Evan: Pick a card, any card.

Connor: Fine.

Evan: Wait, that's my credit card-

Connor: You said any card.

-

Miguel: So, what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Connor: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Miguel: Uh yeah, I guess-

Connor: Then I'd sleep.

-

Evan: Where are you going??

Jared: Hell, eventually.

-

Zoe: Hey besties-

Jared: Die.

Zoe: What did I ever do to you-

-

Evan: Jared, I sense hostility.

Jared: Good, because I fucking hate you.

-

Miguel: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Connor: That doesn't exist-

Miguel: Not with that attitude.

-

Miguel: I wanna be called cute 21/7.

Connor: Why not 24/7?

Miguel: Snack breaks.

-

Connor, annoyed af: Why can't trees give off something fucking useful... like wifi.

Jared:

Jared: So then just fuck oxygen I guess.

-

Alana: *Sharpens knife* We have ways of making people talk.

Alana: *Cuts piece of cake*

Evan: ....Can I have some?

Alana: Cake is for talkers.

-

Evan: What are you drinking?

Jared: Vodka.

Evan: Straight???

Jared: No, gay. Why?

-

Jared: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMBFUCK!

Evan: LET ME RUN AWAY FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!!

-

Connor: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone.

Zoe: And I need you to be less vague and weird-

-

Alana, texting: Answer your phone

Jared, texting: Wait a minute, I can't find my phone.

Alana: Understood.

Alana, five minutes later: You're a terrible person. You know you're killing me. You're killing me, Jared.

-

Evan: A mosquito tried to bite me and I slapped it and killed it.

Evan: And I started thinking.

Evan: Like, it was just trying to get food.

Evan: What if I went to the fridge and it just slammed the door shut and snapped my neck?

Alana: Are you ok?

-

Miguel: What is the one thing I told you not to do?

Connor: Burn the house down.

Miguel: And what did you do?!

Connor: I made dinner.

Miguel:

Connor:

Miguel:

Connor: Okay fine. And burnt the house down.

-

Evan: Hello, Jared. Made anyone cry today?

Jared: Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30.

-

Alana: When's the last time you slept?!

Jared: Uh.. a few days ago, I think??

Alana: How many days?

Jared: *Starts counting on his fingers*

Jared: I need more fingers.

Alana: What yOU NEED IS S L E E P!

-

Zoe: HELP! I'M DROWNING!!

Connor: Calm down, we're only in six feet of water.

Zoe: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

-

Jared: What'cha doing?

Connor: Stealing my neighbours cat.

Jared: Scandalous.

Jared: Can I help?

-

Jared: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’

Evan: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

-

Connor: *makes Miguel a cup of tea but puts salt in it*

Miguel: *sips tea*

Connor:

Miguel: *finishes tea*

Connor: Didn't it taste bad?

Miguel: Yeah, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I drank it all.

Connor, tearing up: Oh, okay.

-

Alana: So I have made the decision to trust you.

Evan: A horrible decision, really.

-

Evan: Hopefully, Jared has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.

Jared: Oh shut up and die, Evan.

-

Connor: Alright, listen up you little shits-

Connor: Except you, Alana. You're an angel, and we're thrilled you're here.

-

Zoe: Can you pass the salt?

Jared: Can you pass away?

Zoe: Too much salt.

me: that doesn’t answer my-

school system: now who wants to learn about civil wars

me: tell me how to pay taxes

school system: ....

school system: l.. lunch time?

me: ..........

me: this is not over i will be finishing this conversation with you after i eat my pb&j

me: what are taxes and how do I pay them?

school system: worry not

school system: mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell

harold, they’re lesbians

people are gay, steven 

i’m a lesbian, carl 

don’t be a transphobe, chad 

we support the gays, david 

i’m not jealous, flavio. i’m gay