09.09.2018

What if I’ve let it hurt me so much that I can’t hurt anymore. What if the drip finally stopped? All my love bled out. All the passion. What if now it’s only a habit. Habit to love. I feel so detached. I don’t feel the deep connection I’ve felt before. Or was it even a connection? Or was it just one of my mental illnesses obsessing over him. What he’s just one of my “special interests”? I do love him. He is my best friend, my family. But is there anything more left in me? I don’t know.

16.06.2018

Я помню этот день. Помню ту ночь. Помню всю боль. Хочу пропить себе память.

Как это жить без боли?

Я не знаю. Я знаю что моя боль всегда со мной. Она часть меня. Эмоциональная и физическая. Я её уже не чувствую, но я знаю что она единственная живая часть меня. Остальное тьма. А боль ещё пытается болеть.

10.06.2017

||- попытка суицида

I feel like I’m in a cage. Every time I try to be myself somebody shuts me down. I hope it ends soon.

08.05.2018

Я честно старалась. Ну да рукожоп я... и что теперь?

Папа сказал на это: «опять рисуешь свою депрессивную фигню».

Да пошёл он...

Блин

20.12.2018

Ma ei jaksa. Ma annan endale need kuud. Vb. Ma üritan. Ma saan homme haiglast välja. Kas sellest tuleb midagi välja? Ma ei usu. Aga noh mis teha.

Nagu üks tark inimene ütles...

Planeet maa tahab taastada tasakaalu. Aga ma ei lase. Mida vähem inimesi seda parem. Selle pärast ma saingi endale depressiooni ja suitsiidsuse.

Ma tahan aidata päästa maailma.

PALUUUN MAKE IT STOP

I’m starting to lose my only reasons to stay

My ugly swollen face, dark bedroom and the only light is my phone screen while I write this shit.

Preacher in my head trying to make sense of all the pain this life have caused me and guessing if any of it was my fault.

Maybe it was, maybe it’s an important lesson I was supposed to get.

Maybe.

Maybe one day the childhood memories gonna come back and I’ll understand what I did so wrong that God’s only choice was to deeply traumatise me and let me suffer til I die.

Maybe.

Maybe I die without living a day without being terrorised by these nightmares.

Maybe.

But I’m scared I won’t stick around for long enough to learn how to not feel pain.

Maybe.

02.01.22 02:27

Hüvasti jätmine on alati nii keeruline. Kuid üks asi on jätta hüvasti lootusega kohtuda või mõelda kuidas selle inimese elu edasi läheb.

Hüvasti jätmine, kui tead et sinu elutee nüüd lõppeb ja sa ei saa kunagi teada kuidas see teisi mõjutab on teist sorti valu.

It hurts so much. I feel physical pain just knowing that it’s real now. That I did it. That I’ve hurt him. My biggest fear was hurting him. And I did it. And I hate myself for it. But everyone says that my pain is more important and I need to think about myself. But what if he is a part of me. I feel so empty. I know that I didn’t do it impulsively, but why does it feel like I did. Why.

I hope you get better and we’ll continue our journey. Without us hurting each other.

They’re trying to help. They’re putting stitches on my wounds to stop it bleeding. But there’s no one cleaning all these wounds. It still hurts. Now it’s slowly killing.