16.06.2018

04.08.2018

Мне очень хочется рассказать всем на сколько мне не хочется жить и на сколько я устала. Хочется рассказать все причины почему я такая. Хочется поделится всеми переживаниями. Но о некоторых вещах не знает никто. И не должен знать. Так как это не важно.

Просто я это не важно

I wish I knew some big words to describe how I feel. I wish there was at least one language I knew that deep so I could write poetry. Except I’m using my simple mind to tell you that I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I wish I could love less, maybe I’d feel less violated then. If I could give you only half of my love, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out. It’s painful to feel this way. Like everything’s unfair. To make sacrifices for somebody who doesn’t feel this way. It hurts, it hurts like hell. I wish you could see it. See that I can’t tell you what hurts me because I don’t want you to feel any sort of pain. Making myself to carry all of it. I’m so tired.

Ma tahan. Ma tahan olla piisav. Ma tahan olla võimeline hakkama saada. Ma tahan suuta elada päevast päeva teadmisega, et mind ootab järgmine päev. See viga mu peas, see “haigus” või lihtsalt omapära omab võimaliku letaalset tagajärge. Ma võin tahta kasvõi kuud säramas enda toas, kuid kahjuks tahtmisest ei piisa.

Ma armastan seda maailma. Armastan neid pisikesi hetki, kuid ka suuremaid sündmusi ja elamusi. Ma tahan näha rohkem. Ma tahan elada. Kuid kahjuks ma pole võimeline. Ma ei andnud alla, ei. Vahest elu ei lähe nii nagu me loodame ja see on okei. Ma leppisin sellega. Südamest loodan, et te suudate ka sellega kunagi leppida.

Ma armastan teid

Yesterday I felt like everything was okay. Yes, I had the worst anxiety but my life wasn’t empty. My life was full of meaning. I wanted to do stuff I loved. I wanted to make people happy.

Now I’m just thinking... why I am trying to make everyone else happy? Why I won’t finally make myself feel better? Why I won’t make myself not want to die and then when I finally achieve it I’d start to make other people happy too?

Next month is my birthday and I’m so scared of it. I don’t want to turn 20. It’s so terrifying for me and I can’t even explain why.

I’m trying my best.

I can’t breathe

There is no point, you try your best to be “the best version of yourself” but all you get in return is “what’s wrong?”. Is it really that hard? To see that stuff that you say or do hurt? Or am I just too emotional woman who can’t handle her feelings? Somehow I don’t believe it’s true. Because I can handle everything. The only thing I need right now is to understand if he even feels anything towards me? Or am I just sitting on a passenger seat while he is zoned out and doesn’t even notice til we get somewhere? I hate to feel this way. I hate the thought in my head that says “he doesn’t actually care about YOU, you know that dear, why do you still keep trying?”. But what if it’s right?

They’re trying to help. They’re putting stitches on my wounds to stop it bleeding. But there’s no one cleaning all these wounds. It still hurts. Now it’s slowly killing.

It hurts so much. I feel physical pain just knowing that it’s real now. That I did it. That I’ve hurt him. My biggest fear was hurting him. And I did it. And I hate myself for it. But everyone says that my pain is more important and I need to think about myself. But what if he is a part of me. I feel so empty. I know that I didn’t do it impulsively, but why does it feel like I did. Why.

I hope you get better and we’ll continue our journey. Without us hurting each other.

09.11.2018

Среда

17:15

•30 таблеток

18:00

•на меня орут. Спрашивают чего сколько. Не дают уснуть. Кейт бегает туда сюда. Элииса будя меня чуть ли не плакала. —-

•работники педиатрии

•интенсив

•кома, катетер, капельница, зонд

•ноги и руки привязаны к кровати.

Четверг

14:28

•опять в отделении

•мама

И СЛИШКОМ МНОГО ЧЕГО И Я НЕ СДОХЛА

10.05.2020

My life is a journey. It is a fuckin mess. What have I done in this fuckin disaster year?

Been in a mental hospital for like.... four times. 

Raped by brasilian man.

Tried to kill myself.

Celebrated my birthday overdoesing on MDMA.

Did drugs few times.

Broke up and found a boyfriend in a psych ward.

Moved back to parents house.

Ran away from a hospital.

Police were looking for me while mum cried and thought that I am dead.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?