03.11.2018

I wish I knew some big words to describe how I feel. I wish there was at least one language I knew that deep so I could write poetry. Except I’m using my simple mind to tell you that I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I wish I could love less, maybe I’d feel less violated then. If I could give you only half of my love, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out. It’s painful to feel this way. Like everything’s unfair. To make sacrifices for somebody who doesn’t feel this way. It hurts, it hurts like hell. I wish you could see it. See that I can’t tell you what hurts me because I don’t want you to feel any sort of pain. Making myself to carry all of it. I’m so tired.

I wish

I wish for u to be better

I wish that you’ d know what u want

I wish I could get better

I wish I could do what I want

But there we are, drowning each other

Going deeper and deeper and making it harder to stop

I wish we have never met so I would never find out how it feels to genuinely love someone

I wish we have never met so I would never have to feel this way

I wish we met each other in another time and place

I wish you didn’t kill me slowly

Drowning my dreams in the sea of your self doubt

I wish I didn’t love you this much

Hoping that then it wouldn’t hurt this much

I love you

I feel we’d be better apart

Yesterday I felt like everything was okay. Yes, I had the worst anxiety but my life wasn’t empty. My life was full of meaning. I wanted to do stuff I loved. I wanted to make people happy.

Now I’m just thinking... why I am trying to make everyone else happy? Why I won’t finally make myself feel better? Why I won’t make myself not want to die and then when I finally achieve it I’d start to make other people happy too?

Next month is my birthday and I’m so scared of it. I don’t want to turn 20. It’s so terrifying for me and I can’t even explain why.

I’m trying my best.

I hate my brain so much. I didn’t wake up in the best mood today but that’s fine. It’s nothing. It’s just normal things.

Then somebody heightens their voice at me and I cry and I hate and I am extremely anxious and I cry and I go to sleep. I wake up and only thought in my head is “I want to die” it just spins in my head on repeat. I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die.

I’m so tired of my head trying to kill me.

I’m tired. Tired of everything. It’s never gonna end.

21.06.2018

Я опять возвращаюсь к саморазрушению так как должна жить, а если жить то только так.

I wish I could paint,

Or dance,

Just do something creative,

But instead,

I stare,

And cry,

And wait,

For it to be over.

I’m losing my mind again. But now I lost my battle to the life. To boring regular person life. Pandemic is taking the best of us. At first I loved being isolated but I need to travel, I need to visit concerts, I need to get these emotions. I don’t want to go back to drugs. I want to end my life. I want some extreme emotions and when u don’t know if you’ll be alive tomorrow or not bc u took 300 pills is a feeling I crave for. What’s wrong w me?

09.11.2018

Среда

17:15

•30 таблеток

18:00

•на меня орут. Спрашивают чего сколько. Не дают уснуть. Кейт бегает туда сюда. Элииса будя меня чуть ли не плакала. —-

•работники педиатрии

•интенсив

•кома, катетер, капельница, зонд

•ноги и руки привязаны к кровати.

Четверг

14:28

•опять в отделении

•мама

И СЛИШКОМ МНОГО ЧЕГО И Я НЕ СДОХЛА