08.05.2018

I wish I knew some big words to describe how I feel. I wish there was at least one language I knew that deep so I could write poetry. Except I’m using my simple mind to tell you that I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I wish I could love less, maybe I’d feel less violated then. If I could give you only half of my love, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out. It’s painful to feel this way. Like everything’s unfair. To make sacrifices for somebody who doesn’t feel this way. It hurts, it hurts like hell. I wish you could see it. See that I can’t tell you what hurts me because I don’t want you to feel any sort of pain. Making myself to carry all of it. I’m so tired.

Hey Marco!

I wanted to thank you for making me to understand my worth. Thank you for destroying everything I’ve been trying to build only let me guess... whole my life?

You know that feeling when whole your life you have only been falling and falling, somewhere deep down. Feeling that you’ve spent whole life nowhere being no one- nothing.

I’ve lived like that. One day I realised that I want to live. I saw my own reflection and you know what... I knew that I’m gonna live. Not just exist but actually live life worthy life. That one day I’ll be truly happy.

But why I don’t feel like that anymore? Why can’t I see my bright future anymore?

One night. One night can change everything. I honestly hate you for that. Bringing back everything I was trying to bury so many years.

Please, just travel back in time. Try to remember how many times you heard word “NO”. I know that English isn’t your first language but you fucking know what means NO. I said it at least 7 fuckin seven times. I remember you telling me “but you’re so hot”, so? are you gonna put your dick inside of every “hot girl”?

I feel like it was my fault that I didn’t punch you or wasn’t trying to run away. But you knew that I wasn’t able to do it that moment. You fucked me me while I couldn’t move. You saw me having a panic attack, you asshole.

I’ll tell you what happened when I left your place:

I cried, screamed, laughed. I was going insane. Be thankful that I went to a mental hospital. Because I was gonna kill myself with a note in my pocket that it’s your fault.

I’ve spent more than a two months in a hospital. I have flashbacks every... fuckin every day.

It’s really hard to make me hate someone. But I really hate you with whole my heart.

I just want to ask you one question... why?

Didn’t you know that when for you is just putting hard dick in and out of girls body can destroy her whole life?

For you it was one night fun. For me... I’ve been in your room again and again. I feel physically that pain, that fear almost every day.

28th January 2020 have been worst day of this year.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. If I’ll get rid of all these nightmares and panic attacks.

I would understand if you kill someone physically and you’re sorry for that BUT if you kill someone’s soul just to cum. Then please burn in hell.

With whole my hate

- girl you killed

I got stabbed by the person I love the most. I took the knife he put in my heart and gave it back to him.

Part of me is scared for the next pain, other hopes that everything will be better.

Feeling like I’m repeating my mothers mistakes.

In a psych ward again. Third time this year.

• 3 days

• over 3 weeks

• 12 days and counting

I wish I could say that it’s getting better. But it’s not. It’s not and I don’t know how to stop it. I just want to take a breath without feeling all this weight. Feels like I’ve never had my lungs full. I’m just so tired of being always tired. Tired of this never ending cycle. Every time it gets better and then it gets worse again. Usually I can feel that things are gonna get better again. Not this time. I’m not actively suicidal. But I wouldn’t mind not waking up tomorrow. I need to keep living at least until I see twenty one pilots in Poland. Also going to Georgia this month with my dad. So like you know I have so many exciting things coming. But I’m not excited. It’s just a box I need to tick. Tik-tok eyes on the clock, waiting it to stop.

The drip finally stops.

I used to cry about leaving everyone behind. I’m still sad about it. But it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I’m in so much pain and I know I’m selfish, knowing how much pain it would cause others. But I feel that type of pain on a daily basis. Everyday is a nightmare that I can’t escape.

I can’t act broken because I’m a foundation to a lot of people. It sounds so egoistic, but that’s just how it is. I carry you all and I like doing it. It’s just you know. I need someone to carry me. I need someone to not need anything in return and just be there for me. To not try to change me every time, to not give advices. Just be there for me.

But here I am being in a hospital. With no strength to hold myself. Somehow I still find some to hold others. I am so tired. I will be there for you with tears on my face and blood dripping down on the floor. But I’ll be there for you.

I just don’t have any strength to fight for myself. So please somebody, anyone… please fight for me. I want to live but I’m tired of suffering. We put dogs that are in pain to sleep. I’m not a dog, I’m much less important, I cause pain to myself and others. So put me to sleep. Save me from my pain, save me from causing pain to others.

Save me

I’m tired. Tired of everything. It’s never gonna end.

Valu

Mis on valu? Väiksena me arvame, et valu on ainult füüsiline. Mängides, ringi joostes ja lõpuks komistades võis põlv katki minna, kus nuttes jooksid ema juurde. Ema hoolivusega võis puhtaks pesta, peale puhuda ja öelda, et kõik saab korda.

Ma isiklikult ei mäleta enda lapsepõlve. Ma mäletan elu umbes sellest ajast, kui sain viisteist. Lapsepõlvest mäletan vaid pisikesi fragmente. Ma mäletan ainult mõndasi hetki sellest ajast, kui olin laps. Ma mäletan ainult valu.

Lõpmatu valu. Valu. Боль. Vene keel on ilus keel. Vene keeles saab nii ilusti väljendada ennast. Kuid miks ma ikka kirjutan eesti keeles? Sest kõik muu tundub liiga valus. Ma tahaks ära surra ja lõpuks sellest valuringist välja saada, kuid see on ring. Mu järgmine elu tuleb veel valusam. Ma ei suuda enam kõike seda taluda.

There’s been so many sentences about me not feeling loved that it actually annoys me. Because I’m loved. By the best person ever.

But no worries, I have no emotional permanence 🥰 literally once in a long long time being home alone in the evening and I’m so anxious and jumping to destructional behaviour :3

I feel like I’m in a cage. Every time I try to be myself somebody shuts me down. I hope it ends soon.

25.10.2017

Elas kord üks tüdruk. Sellel tüdrukul oli eriline süda. Ta süda tuksus ainult tänu ta inglile kes elas ta südames. Ingli ainuke soov oli, et tüdruk hoiaks ennast, sest ta ei saaks elada surnud lapses. Tüdruk polnud suuteline hakkama saama teda ümbritseva maailmaga. Ta oli liiga naiivne ja usaldas igat inimest. Ta ei kuulanud ema sõna. Ta tegi kõik mitte nii nagu vaja. Ta vihkas peeglis olevat pilti. Ta vihkas ennast. Ta lõikus ennast. Sellega tilgutades oma haavadest välja ingli eluiga. Ta jõi. See pani ingli süda end halvasti tundma. Ta hakkas igapäevaselt tarvitama energiajooke, mis olid liiga halvad ta südamele ja süda valutas pisarateni. Tüdruk tegi endale halba igal võimalusel.

Lõpuks tüdruk ei suutnud seda kõike taluda. Ta tahtis kõike seda lõpetada. Aga ta ei suutnud. Ta ei lõpetanud seda. Ja nüüd ta nutab iga öö.