In A Psych Ward Again. Third Time This Year.
In a psych ward again. Third time this year.
• 3 days
• over 3 weeks
• 12 days and counting
I wish I could say that it’s getting better. But it’s not. It’s not and I don’t know how to stop it. I just want to take a breath without feeling all this weight. Feels like I’ve never had my lungs full. I’m just so tired of being always tired. Tired of this never ending cycle. Every time it gets better and then it gets worse again. Usually I can feel that things are gonna get better again. Not this time. I’m not actively suicidal. But I wouldn’t mind not waking up tomorrow. I need to keep living at least until I see twenty one pilots in Poland. Also going to Georgia this month with my dad. So like you know I have so many exciting things coming. But I’m not excited. It’s just a box I need to tick. Tik-tok eyes on the clock, waiting it to stop.
The drip finally stops.
I used to cry about leaving everyone behind. I’m still sad about it. But it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I’m in so much pain and I know I’m selfish, knowing how much pain it would cause others. But I feel that type of pain on a daily basis. Everyday is a nightmare that I can’t escape.
I can’t act broken because I’m a foundation to a lot of people. It sounds so egoistic, but that’s just how it is. I carry you all and I like doing it. It’s just you know. I need someone to carry me. I need someone to not need anything in return and just be there for me. To not try to change me every time, to not give advices. Just be there for me.
But here I am being in a hospital. With no strength to hold myself. Somehow I still find some to hold others. I am so tired. I will be there for you with tears on my face and blood dripping down on the floor. But I’ll be there for you.
I just don’t have any strength to fight for myself. So please somebody, anyone… please fight for me. I want to live but I’m tired of suffering. We put dogs that are in pain to sleep. I’m not a dog, I’m much less important, I cause pain to myself and others. So put me to sleep. Save me from my pain, save me from causing pain to others.
Save me
More Posts from Tearliquid and Others
04.05.2018
Кто-то курит травку. Кто-то бухает. А я просто режусь и рыдаю.
I HATE THAT MY WHOLE PERSONALITY IS JUST TO LOVE HIM.
I’m nobody. Nobody with pain and tears. It’s coming back. Everything’s slowly turning into a cycle again. Chest pain increasing with every tear that drops on my pillow. I’m so tired. It hurts so much. Knowledge that I won’t ever get back the same amount of love that I feel to somebody. I know it’s not theirs fault, it’s just me who doesn’t know how to be alive if every my action isn’t to please him.
I want to die, but I won’t because that would hurt him.
I’m in pain.
Why are you so scared of commitment?
I need you to be sure.
21.06.2018
Я опять возвращаюсь к саморазрушению так как должна жить, а если жить то только так.
Art by me. Ig @tearliquid
Valu
Mis on valu? Väiksena me arvame, et valu on ainult füüsiline. Mängides, ringi joostes ja lõpuks komistades võis põlv katki minna, kus nuttes jooksid ema juurde. Ema hoolivusega võis puhtaks pesta, peale puhuda ja öelda, et kõik saab korda.
Ma isiklikult ei mäleta enda lapsepõlve. Ma mäletan elu umbes sellest ajast, kui sain viisteist. Lapsepõlvest mäletan vaid pisikesi fragmente. Ma mäletan ainult mõndasi hetki sellest ajast, kui olin laps. Ma mäletan ainult valu.
Lõpmatu valu. Valu. Боль. Vene keel on ilus keel. Vene keeles saab nii ilusti väljendada ennast. Kuid miks ma ikka kirjutan eesti keeles? Sest kõik muu tundub liiga valus. Ma tahaks ära surra ja lõpuks sellest valuringist välja saada, kuid see on ring. Mu järgmine elu tuleb veel valusam. Ma ei suuda enam kõike seda taluda.
16.02.2020
Что я вижу в тебе?
Это интересный вопрос. Я вижу тебе сломанного, запутавшегося в себе ребёнка. Того кто хочет одно, но боится сделать больно кому-то.
Я вижу в тебе запретный плод. Тайну. А я очень люблю тайны.
Я вижу в тебе этот баланс между скромностью и пошлостью. Баланс между ухажёром и насильником. Спокойствием и желанием убивать.
Я знаю только то что я хочу узнать тебя. Понять. Мне просто интересно. И почему-то я не боюсь что мне будет больно, но так же я и не боюсь причинить боль тебе.
20.02.2020
Wow, ma selle hetkeni ei saanudki aru kui ilus kuupäev see on.
Ma ei palu teil mulle andeks anda. Ma ei palu teil mõista. Ainukene asi, mida ma palun... Minge eludega edasi. Ärge mõelge, et mind enam ei ole. Kujutage seda ette, kui seda et ma kolisin teisse riiki ja otsustasin telefoni merre visata.
Mul on nüüd parem olla. Ma luban.
Ma olen sitt inimene. Ma tean seda. Ma tean ka seda, et ma olen hea inimene. Ma tean, et tähendasin palju teie jaoks.
Ma tean, et ma pole kõige koledam, kõige paksem. Ma tean, et olen mingil määral andekas. Mis kõige tähtsam.... MA TEAN, ET OLEN ARMASTATUD.
Lihtsalt, nii on lihtsam. Ma tean, et teen teile palju haiget. Ma tean, et tirin teist välja suure tüki. Ma tean.
Ma tean kuidas mu kadumine teid mõjutab.
Ma tean.
Ma ei taha teid jätta. Ma ausõna ei taha. Aga ma ikka näen kõike seda, ma tunnen kõike seda, ma kuulen, ma lähen hulluks.
Ma oleks pidanud teile rääkima. Oleks pidanud anda teile võimaluse aidata. Kuid see on täielikult ainult minu otsus. Ma olen isekas.
Armastan teid kogu südamest.
Ma ausõna püüdsin anda endast parima.
Seda kõike oli lihtsalt liiga palju minu jaoks. Ma andsin alla.
With love
Teie tütar, õde, sõber, kallim, sugulane, lapselaps, koolikaaslane, õpilane, töökaaslane, kaasmaalane, palatikaaslane, patsient, mälestus...
Every time I know I have a panic attack. And I hate that I always know. I don’t want it to ruin everything but I can’t keep feeling that way. I’m trying to pretend that it’s okay, but I can’t stand it. I hate myself so much for feeling this way. I don’t want to be a controlling bitch who doesn’t let him do stuff he likes but it kills me slowly.
What if I’ve let it hurt me so much that I can’t hurt anymore. What if the drip finally stopped? All my love bled out. All the passion. What if now it’s only a habit. Habit to love. I feel so detached. I don’t feel the deep connection I’ve felt before. Or was it even a connection? Or was it just one of my mental illnesses obsessing over him. What he’s just one of my “special interests”? I do love him. He is my best friend, my family. But is there anything more left in me? I don’t know.
