Me: I Can't Take It Anymore. I Almost Killed Myself Yesterday...

My ugly swollen face, dark bedroom and the only light is my phone screen while I write this shit.

Preacher in my head trying to make sense of all the pain this life have caused me and guessing if any of it was my fault.

Maybe it was, maybe it’s an important lesson I was supposed to get.

Maybe.

Maybe one day the childhood memories gonna come back and I’ll understand what I did so wrong that God’s only choice was to deeply traumatise me and let me suffer til I die.

Maybe.

Maybe I die without living a day without being terrorised by these nightmares.

Maybe.

But I’m scared I won’t stick around for long enough to learn how to not feel pain.

Maybe.

02.01.22 02:27

I wish

I wish for u to be better

I wish that you’ d know what u want

I wish I could get better

I wish I could do what I want

But there we are, drowning each other

Going deeper and deeper and making it harder to stop

I wish we have never met so I would never find out how it feels to genuinely love someone

I wish we have never met so I would never have to feel this way

I wish we met each other in another time and place

I wish you didn’t kill me slowly

Drowning my dreams in the sea of your self doubt

I wish I didn’t love you this much

Hoping that then it wouldn’t hurt this much

I love you

I feel we’d be better apart

I feel like I’m in a cage. Every time I try to be myself somebody shuts me down. I hope it ends soon.

I am sad. Most of the time. Even when I’m happy. It’s not the kind of sadness that makes u cry or listen to sad music.

It’s the knowledge that it wasn’t my fault I’m not gonna ever recover from mental illness bc it turned into disorder. That they can’t cure my CPTSD, bc nobody has enough knowledge. Losing people never gets easier. Body dysmorphia won’t disappear. You’re never gonna be normal.

It’s just anger mixed with tears that feels like a black hole that sucks in all the happy memories.

I’m just tired…

My mom would have left me to die

I’m starting to lose my only reasons to stay

16.06.2018

Я помню этот день. Помню ту ночь. Помню всю боль. Хочу пропить себе память.

Как это жить без боли?

Я не знаю. Я знаю что моя боль всегда со мной. Она часть меня. Эмоциональная и физическая. Я её уже не чувствую, но я знаю что она единственная живая часть меня. Остальное тьма. А боль ещё пытается болеть.

10.06.2017

||- попытка суицида

I wish I knew some big words to describe how I feel. I wish there was at least one language I knew that deep so I could write poetry. Except I’m using my simple mind to tell you that I don’t feel loved. Sometimes I wish I could love less, maybe I’d feel less violated then. If I could give you only half of my love, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out. It’s painful to feel this way. Like everything’s unfair. To make sacrifices for somebody who doesn’t feel this way. It hurts, it hurts like hell. I wish you could see it. See that I can’t tell you what hurts me because I don’t want you to feel any sort of pain. Making myself to carry all of it. I’m so tired.

I tried but I’m so tired.