I HATE THIS MAN I HATE THIS MAN I HATE THIS MAN

It's easy to want to spiral right now. I'm staring out the window, trying not to cry like I don't have to go to work and be normal in a bit. Which is why I wanna take a moment to remind everyone of a few things, from one scared person to another:

• Laws can't be overturned in a day. Our system of government, as corrupt as it's become, is still a system with the potential to reject the kinds of changes that would seek to hurt us.

• Please, please, PLEASE keep an eye on your local governments. It starts at county/state level before we ever get around to national-executive. Take a look at the way your state has been run, look into the policies of your representatives, and VOTE LOCAL when the opportunity arises. You're voice wasn't made completely void the moment that man got elected. Become active NOW.

• Utilize civil disobedience, go protest. There are so many issues on the table, a lot of shit we don't want happening. Cop City, Project 2025, the continuous subjection and genocide of those internationally such as Palestine, Susan, Congo, Tigrey. Look into local protests, become active, it's your right. Just please make sure you stay safe, be careful, listen to your organizers.

• Support each other. I want to make it so drastically, explicitly clear that COMMUNITY is one of the keystones of making it through troubling events like this. BIPOC, queer and trans people, women, allies, etc. Feel how you need to feel, be angry or cry or scream, fine. Of course. Just don't be alone.

See your friends irl, hug your family, go cry on a discord call, make memes with your mutuals, get involved with your local scenes. Whatever you need. There is a deep strength and courage you wield in compassion, in empathy. Wield that strength now for each other, please.

This is all deeply distressing and frightening, I know. Idk how to feel, idek what else to say. So, just know that we're going to get through this. Feel how you feel, but understand that defeat isn't really a luxury any of us can afford, so we'll simply have to live, persist, and do what we can. I love y'all, be safe.

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Yes he do

Daily schedule:

Wake up on the problematic side of the bed

Eat a harmful breakfast

Log onto tumblr and reblog posts from abusive mutuals

Attend narcissistic classes

Watch an irredeemable movie

Listen to offensive music

Eat a cancelled dinner

Go to sleep derogatorily

Have dreams that will have aged poorly by the time I wake up

When I was early on in my transition I got in a Lyft, and the driver was this big country guy. I was a little nervous so I just sat quietly in the back.

After a moment he changed the music on his phone to what sounded like a Hatsune Miku song. Curiosity got the better of me, so I finally spoke up and said “is this Hatsune Miku?”

And he said “Yep. You looked uncomfortable, and I know Transgender women like Hatsune Miku, so I thought it might help.”

I think about that interaction a lot.

just one psychotic episode will change your life, forever. it'll alter your self perception beyond recognition. you'll remember who you were before, back when you were (relatively) sane, always been sane, and you won't recognize her anymore. she'll feel more like a sister. you're still the same, you are--but you aren't. you're different, you know you are. You're different in ways you cannot articulate, in ways your loved ones cannot truly grasp. you've experienced something most people believe is impossible to experience. likely because it is. it was something impossible, grand, and terrifying. the most scared you've ever felt in your life. God looked down on you and laughed, and finally, finally you know what it feels like to be that small and vulnerable. you can't go back to before, when you were naive, ignorant to your size. but it's okay. you're okay, now. it's over and you're safe. and you've always been safe, really, it wasn't real, but the trauma is. the trauma is real and it's lasting.

and it's not real. and you know it's not real. but sometimes you get scared again. so, so, so scared, because it was traumatizing and now you're left with flashbacks to a time when the world didn't make sense, when you weren't yourself, when you were small and confused and lost and could not understand yourself let alone be understood--and it feels real again. but you don't believe it, not really, you know you don't. you know it's not real. it's not psychosis round 2, but you're still so so scared--scared that you're wrong, that it is real, scared that you'll go back there--that you'll lose the sanity you grappled for. fought for. but you don't. not yet, at least. the flashback passes, same as any other flashback. but the fear lingers. you'll fear losing control like that for the rest of your life. years of sanity, remission, and you're still afraid, because you know what that felt like and it was scary. it's weird to believe again, when you don't really believe, it's weird to relive unreality while knowing you're within reality. you can feel your sanity, you know it's there, because it's saying "this isn't real and we know it's not real. we know this. but I am so so so scared anyway. I am so scared of experiencing it again. I am so scared that I was right and now I'm wrong."

psychosis is traumatic and trauma leaves you with flashbacks. and sometimes it feels like you're there again. like you've slipped away again. and it's scary. but you'll be back, I know you will, because I'm back, I'm okay, and you are too. I love you. I love all of you. love yourselves for me.

yay

Phoenix

A speedpaint video of this will be available at my Patreon soon 😊

By the power of ADHD, I am immune to tinnitus. My left ear rings very faintly, and most of the time I can just completely tune it out because the constant invariable note cannot hold my interest for long. I only actually hear it when the other background noise of whatever environment I am in stops all of a sudden, and the ringing is the only one that remains, and then it gradually fades out like the end of an 80s pop song.

Sometimes I can make it fade out faster by trying to focus on listening to it. The more I focus, the more quiet and distant it gets, until I can't hear it anymore. In the battle of Curse of Infinite Whistle versus Can't Hear Shit Disorder, my ability to simply not notice my surroundings is an immovable object, but the inescapable noise is no unstoppable force.

I consider myself a fortunate man for how often my problems somehow manage to cancel each other out.