It’s Easter. I Don’t Remember What That Was Like With You. I Think I’ve Forgotten A Lot Of It Now.
it’s easter. i don’t remember what that was like with you. i think i’ve forgotten a lot of it now.
i’m cooking dinner for my brother and his fiancé. you wouldn’t have liked what i made. i don’t think i will like it very much either. my tastes have changed over the years. everything is bland and nothing will fill the hole inside of me.
we used to talk about doing this domestic shit together. id clean the house or make dinner that you’d pretend to like for me. i wish you hadn’t done that. i wonder if their tastes are more similar to yours? knowing what i know, that’s probably true. i doubt you have arguments over something as simple as food. i wish i didn’t pick arguments over such insignificant things.
i think i like someone again. he is nothing like you. he’s 23, good relationship with his mom, cowboy, six foot something. i know it’s a dumb word, but having crushes now is different. everytime i find myself attracted to someone i compare every little thing they do to you. with him, i don’t find much. he has your kindness and playful personality, but that’s about it. i think that’s why i like him so much.
work was hard today. i’m trying to quit smoking. i’ve given up all substances other than what i’m rightfully prescribed. i wonder if you’d be proud of that? i wonder if you’d feel anything at all.
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this feeling is fucking eating me alive. i miss you. i feel awful about it. i love cole more than anything but idk what to do abt you. you’re just so. idk. you asked me why i liked you and if that would change if you were someone else. the answer is no. i wish there were a way i could have you both but even that seems off. i keep bringing you up or tweeting or making jokes and i can tell it’s getting to him. i don’t want that. idk why i’m like this. i’m a mess.
i know i wrote three hours ago but my life moves fast i guess. i got into an argument (?) with my best friend over you. i wouldn’t really call it an argument. it was just the same shit again. her telling me you are not a good person and me defending you. she even coined the phrase CRT just for u.
she knows everything that’s happened. i think she even read the document you made. i am so frustrated with people telling me you hurt me. you did, but not on the level i destroyed you.
i am tired of people seeing me as a charity case. i am not broken or wounded. i do not need to be fixed. if i did, i’d leave it in the hands of the professionals.
she reminds me so much of you. she has this “i need to save them” attitude about the world and it hurts me. she tells me all the time that i’m the strongest person she’s ever met but when it comes to you she feels the need to fix how my brain works. it’s upsetting.
i still write about you. i wonder if you’d enjoy the music i write now? it’s very different from where it started. i’ll be honest, some of it is very accusatory and some of it is pathetic. writing is my therapy. it’s a safe way to vent my emotions and filter out what’s real and what’s a delusion. maybe someday i’ll release it. maybe someday you’ll hear it.
i can feel myself falling back into where i was when we first broke up. it’s scary. everytime my phone buzzes i hope it’s you. everytime i know it’s not.
i really wish you cared. maybe you do care. i just wish you didn’t hate me. it’s obvious why you do. that’s why i’m so confused when the people closest to me put you down.
did you eat breakfast today? are you getting enough sun?
it seems only the moon won’t tire of hearing my words about you. maybe you should talk to her.
have decided this account is gonna be for not only shit posts but also Private Romance Things™️ i cannot post in front of actual people
me vs spiraling from fear of abandonment after silence following an argument like peter u are going to die doing this ur gonna die in that stupid costume
wait no i just dissociated for like a day i can’t stop crying now 🤪
i want to feel something but i am feeling nothing at all. my head feels too quiet and my brain feels too empty. i wonder if i am as broken as the glass that litters the streets.
the only reason my favourite animal is the dunkleosteus is because of the game hungry shark where they called it “big daddy”
pov ur dating ur best friend and they mean the fucking world to u and u don’t know how to tell them so u just repeatedly say “i love u” and hope they get the message
i fear i went too deep this time chat
i’ve never needed someone more than i need u rn. i miss you. i don’t miss us, but i miss you. i want to apologize. i want you to not hate me. i know that’s wrong of me, but i can’t help it. you were my favorite person. i still write you letters on the unsent project. i wonder if you ever think of me in a positive light. i have been thinking of you constantly. all i want is to make things right but i know i can’t. the damage is done. and i’m so sorry there’s nothing i can do to fix it. i wonder if you’ll ever stumble across my account on here. i have so many things for u to read. i don’t know if that would hurt you more. i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i’ve hurt you and everyone you love. i dragged them all in. i want to believe i’ve changed. maybe if you saw me now you would tell me. you’re the only one that knows the real me. i’ve done so much to fix it. all because of you. thank you. i didn’t deserve to have that chance. but i know you didn’t do it for me. i’m medicated. i’m not going to stop. i spend all of my time at work or working on music. i wish you could see me now. everyone around me feels dull. you were the light of my life and i didn’t appreciate that. i’m so sorry. i wish i could fix it.
