was supposed to rant to piano and then got spooked so i will be emo over here in hopes it is not seen bc spooky x2
being back in my hometown is hard. i knew it would be. i told you so i wouldn’t bother you with it when it hit me. somehow i still feel burdensome when i get upset and am scared to talk about it because most of it is stupid anyway. the last time i was here i was so lost. you know that. i really didn’t have much. a lot has changed obviously but seeing the same things gives me the same feelings. before that, i was here for the start of the downfall. memories are everywhere. with that comes feelings.
i don’t know how to describe the thing going on with z emotionally. im not their biggest fan at the moment but its not like i want anything bad to happen between the two of you. even if i hated them i wouldn’t hope for that because i know how hard it would be on you. four years ago i was in the same place hating them. wanting them gone more than anything. jealous that they got your attention for even a second. even if i don’t want that now i still get the anger that comes with it.
it’s not even really anger towards them. im not angry at anyone but myself. my chest hurts every time i remember i wasn’t enough and likely never will be. not in a “oh let’s be monogamous” way because i don’t want that. more like “i am so lacking and am constantly reminded of that fact”. i’ve worked so hard to change who i am. why am i back where i started? i haven’t felt this unstable in months.
these are the best days of my life and somehow i feel more alone than i have in years. i don’t know how to explain it. we’re always talking. i guess with my work and your sleep and general depression on both sides and everything else going on it’s hard to just have a full day with you. there’s always some interruption. even when we do call we both do our own thing until you fall asleep. and then it disconnects before i do. and then the day is over and it feels wasted. you were talking the other day about being scared i was going to get bored of you. i worry you’ll think the same of me. im not exactly giving you anything you can’t get elsewhere.
im stressed about money and visas and school and just making it to next year or next month or next week or tomorrow. this is so hard to do alone. i know i have you, but i am physically alone. even just waking up next to you would take all of this away. im so tired of everything and just want it to be over already. i want to be there and not have to worry about all this. i want everything to fix itself. im tired of fixing everything myself. i usually make more of mess of it first anyway.
i’ve thought about writing about it. i don’t even know what i would say. “im in the best situation ive ever been in and somehow im crumbling more than ever”? “at least when i was a bad person i didn’t care about any of this”? “im a big whiny baby about everything because nothing is perfect enough for me boo who life is hard”? pretty shitty bars.
i know i have you but i can’t stop myself from wondering for how long.
oh to be one you love again. i miss you always. it takes everything in me to not scream how deep my love runs everytime i see you. you’re so beautiful.
good morning.
i am just so confused. i can’t talk about it to anyone because i was asked not to but i am not sure what to do. it’s frustrating? i think.
i wrote a song. i was so nervous yesterday i wrote it before the call. it’s called “— goodbye.” i’m trying to give it like a cigarettes after sex vibe i think. here are the lyrics:
the room is spinning
you don’t know me at all
but still, you’re giving me a chance
one more second chance
you know you haunt me
you found the letters buried in my room
years have passed
i never thought id see you again
now i know i won’t
because i’ve said goodbye
i mean it this time
we’re strangers once again
i realize i’ve molded myself into
the person you would’ve wanted
i wonder if that means you’ll haunt me forever
they say you never forget your first true love
perhaps i’ll be carrying you with me
i’ve forgotten your voice
the one i used to know
the one that loved me so
i’m glad you’ve changed
i can’t mourn a ghost that’s not there
i’m glad i said goodbye
because i meant it this time
we’ll always be strangers
and when i lay in bed at night
wishing i had someone to love me again
i’ll remember all you taught me
and understand love comes naturally
not from force
i won’t worry about what could’ve been
only what could still be
i’ve always seen the world from eyes
that search for the reason “why?”
i’ve waited and waited for a chance like this
but now that it’s over
it’s time to say goodbye.
it’s just a draft of course. id like to add some things and make it more coherent. the way i write is just word vomit on a page. i posted the instrumental on my twitter.
i changed the album list again. took off some songs that i just didn’t like. they were pretty negative anyway.
i haven’t heard from the others in days and i’m not quite sure why. my head feels quiet.
other than that, i feel free. it’s like a weight has been lifted off my chest. i don’t know how to feel about it or if i should feel anything.
i think i like having a diary.
i guess you were right. this is a bit of a diary for me.
so, you found me. i’m working on music. it’s the only way i can ease my nerves.
if someone had told me a week ago i’d hear from you i would’ve laughed in their face. one of my old friends messaged me as well. we ended on not great terms, but we’ve made up. i wonder if this is good?
i’m living back in orlando now. i’m starting a camming company with brian. you don’t know him. basically the idea is a safe space for sex workers without the exploitation. i’m excited about it. it’s a little weird, but i enjoy sex work as long as it’s safe.
this day is dragging by. everytime i remember the call my stomach twists up. i’m very anxious. i’m grateful to anna for offering to be there with me and i’m more grateful you agreed to let her. she’s in just as much of a frenzy as i am right now.
i can’t think of much anything else to say right now. i think i’ll keep posting on here just with general life updates. you obviously aren’t required to read them, but it’s nice to have a place to talk about my life and sort my head out.
it’s strange. i’ve never looked forward to say goodbye to someone. i used to want to hold onto them until my nails broke their skin. now i understand my life is mine to live, it doesn’t matter who’s in it as long as it’s genuine and honest.
i hope you’re taking care of yourself. i hope you’re doing well. i hope you’re happy.
i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and i miss you.
and then i lay back down and drown the world out.
i can’t message u. i know i can’t. but i want to apologize. so here goes nothing bc u will never see this but i will never get the chance to take accountability with u unless i do this.
i know a simple “i’m sorry” won’t cut it. i’ve done too much damage for that. my mind is kinda scrambled rn cause i’ve had a Rough week but i’m just going to go through a list of the things i need to apologize for and things that i am genuinely sorry that i did. to start, i’m sorry for always talking down to u. whether it was serious or not, i always had a knack for making myself feel superior. i did it so often. we’d get into a disagreement and i always felt the need to put you down. i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for isolating you from your friends and family. i never should’ve felt the need to fight for your love. that’s not how that works. it was incredibly abusive and i’m sure i don’t even know half of the damage it caused you and your loved ones. your mom, sisters, friends, i felt threatened by all of them and for some reason decided to pull you closer towards me to prove i was better than them. i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for harassing zelda for months. you were always the one to put out the fires between us (the ones i caused), and that wasn’t fair to either of you. i’m sorry for commenting on them and their life and their body and worse, lying to cover it up and act like you and them were crazy. i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for harassing you for months. i’m sorry i played you out to be some sort of evil villain when all you wanted was love. i’m sorry for threatening you. i’m sorry for repeatedly lying to you over things when it would’ve been so much easier to just tell the truth. i’m sorry for joking about trauma that was not mine to joke about. i’m sorry for commenting on your life or body or whatever i felt the need to to put myself above you. i’m so sorry.
i’m sorry for still feeling like i need to talk to you. i’m sorry for messaging you at all. i need to let you go so you can finally be free of me. i’m sorry for being so incredibly selfish that i feel the need to cope in ways that hurt you. i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for lying to you just so i could have your attention. i’m sorry i didn’t choose healthier ways to express my needs. i’m sorry for destroying your trust. i’m sorry for doing everything i said i wouldn’t. i’m so so sorry.
i’m sorry for begging for your forgiveness just to kick you down again. i’m sorry i used mental illness as an excuse to treat you like that. i’m sorry i never listened other than when i was an inch away from losing you.
i’m sorry for taking you from the happiest time of your life to an inch from death. i’m sorry i never took you seriously. i’m sorry i took you for granted. i’m sorry i only showed i wanted you when you weren’t mine to want anymore. i’m sorry i never believed in you. i’m sorry for all the trauma i’ve caused. i’m sorry.
if there’s anything i can do, please. please tell me. if not, know that this is all from the heart i once had. i love how beautiful your soul is, even after everything.
i’ve never needed someone more than i need u rn. i miss you. i don’t miss us, but i miss you. i want to apologize. i want you to not hate me. i know that’s wrong of me, but i can’t help it. you were my favorite person. i still write you letters on the unsent project. i wonder if you ever think of me in a positive light. i have been thinking of you constantly. all i want is to make things right but i know i can’t. the damage is done. and i’m so sorry there’s nothing i can do to fix it. i wonder if you’ll ever stumble across my account on here. i have so many things for u to read. i don’t know if that would hurt you more. i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i’ve hurt you and everyone you love. i dragged them all in. i want to believe i’ve changed. maybe if you saw me now you would tell me. you’re the only one that knows the real me. i’ve done so much to fix it. all because of you. thank you. i didn’t deserve to have that chance. but i know you didn’t do it for me. i’m medicated. i’m not going to stop. i spend all of my time at work or working on music. i wish you could see me now. everyone around me feels dull. you were the light of my life and i didn’t appreciate that. i’m so sorry. i wish i could fix it.
my debut comes out april 24th. it’s not necessarily about you, but some parts may feel like it. i’m excited. you’d probably enjoy it.
i’m sorry i didn’t write to you yesterday. i’ve been busy with recording. i get a new microphone tomorrow.
i want to record more of my older songs but i’m scared to because so many of them are so emotional and clouded. i write music to release that negativity inside of me and i can be vulnerable with myself for a bit. my views have changed now but i still feel like those songs are a part of me.
i’m eating dinner now. i had a rough day at work. it was really busy. i’m watching old among us videos.
i don’t have much to say. not much in my life is changing right now. i’m glad.
i miss you. i don’t ever want to talk to you again but i wish i had the chance to say goodbye.
i heard about your mom. i know she wasn’t good at being your mother but it’s okay to grieve over the loss all the same. it’s also okay to not feel anything at all. people cope in different ways.
i’m still working on my music. it’s been three days now. i have three instrumentals done and i have the album list hammered out. there’s really only one song on there about you. maybe two if you squint hard enough. i’m glad none of them are negative towards you.
i attempted to drink last night and am pleased to say alcohol still repulses me. it did give me some new ideas to map out though.
i wonder what you’re up to?
my roommates are fighting.
they’re engaged. i love them both very much but they’re both very different when they’re upset. it’s never as triggering as i expect it to be. maybe something in me is still too broken to fix.
i’ve kind of become their couples therapist. i’m usually unneeded but i’m good at looking at situations from the outside.
i do catch myself wondering if this would’ve been us. i hope not. it gets pretty heated. it’s not a bad relationship, they just clash when it comes to the communication of different agreements. i know they love each other.
i loved you even when we fought.
early start today. i’ve been working on music again.
a lot of it is from about a year ago so the emotions are still fresh in the lyrics. i hope you don’t mind. i learned how to make beats and i’ve been working on fitting my lyrics into it. so far i have three done.
i started around 3pm and didn’t stop until about 1am. woke up at 5am and got back on it. it’s 7am now. in my head, i still do the math to figure out what time it is for you.
i’m glad i found a passion in music again. i gave up for so long and it felt like a part of me was missing. writing is my therapy. it’s the safest way to express what i feel without hurting anyone.
i wish i could hear your opinion on what i spent my day doing. you always did have a good taste in music. i wish i had told you that.
i think i might be slightly manic right now. i’m not tired. i’ve been spending a Bit too much money on things i don’t need. maybe it’s just the meds taking their course. my roommates are looking out for me and making sure i’m safe. i love them.
i know i wrote three hours ago but my life moves fast i guess. i got into an argument (?) with my best friend over you. i wouldn’t really call it an argument. it was just the same shit again. her telling me you are not a good person and me defending you. she even coined the phrase CRT just for u.
she knows everything that’s happened. i think she even read the document you made. i am so frustrated with people telling me you hurt me. you did, but not on the level i destroyed you.
i am tired of people seeing me as a charity case. i am not broken or wounded. i do not need to be fixed. if i did, i’d leave it in the hands of the professionals.
she reminds me so much of you. she has this “i need to save them” attitude about the world and it hurts me. she tells me all the time that i’m the strongest person she’s ever met but when it comes to you she feels the need to fix how my brain works. it’s upsetting.
i still write about you. i wonder if you’d enjoy the music i write now? it’s very different from where it started. i’ll be honest, some of it is very accusatory and some of it is pathetic. writing is my therapy. it’s a safe way to vent my emotions and filter out what’s real and what’s a delusion. maybe someday i’ll release it. maybe someday you’ll hear it.
i can feel myself falling back into where i was when we first broke up. it’s scary. everytime my phone buzzes i hope it’s you. everytime i know it’s not.
i really wish you cared. maybe you do care. i just wish you didn’t hate me. it’s obvious why you do. that’s why i’m so confused when the people closest to me put you down.
did you eat breakfast today? are you getting enough sun?
it seems only the moon won’t tire of hearing my words about you. maybe you should talk to her.
good morning. i hope you slept well.
these meds made me have funny dreams. just between us, i haven’t had a good nights sleep since i saw you. i can still remember a dream i had years ago when you left. you were with them. you told me to let you go.
i’m off work today. i lied to my friend about it. i need some alone time. she reminds me so much of you.
i was supposed to move in with her. i was going to go to college. the thought of it was just so scary. moving across the atlantic was a dream i had so many years ago. everything is different now.
i had to surrender my cats when i lost my apartment. i miss them so much. i think that was the last bit of hope i was holding onto. they’re in good homes now. i wish i could visit them.
i wish i could visit you. i wonder what we’d talk about if we were given the chance. would you talk to me? would you yell? would you update me on your life and ask about mine? would we sit in silence?
i remember you said you wished you’d never met me at all. i wonder how true that is. anytime you’d hurt me with your words it was always true. you said i was just like my mother. i was afraid to look in the mirror for months.
i called her you know? in july. i was so high on coke i called her and apologized for ever viewing her as a monster because i was just the same. i hate hypocrites.
i can feel a migraine starting. it’s 8am. i’m back in the same town i swore i’d never come back to. everything looks different.
i hope you have a beautiful day. watch for me in the moon tonight. i was serious about us too.
it’s easter. i don’t remember what that was like with you. i think i’ve forgotten a lot of it now.
i’m cooking dinner for my brother and his fiancé. you wouldn’t have liked what i made. i don’t think i will like it very much either. my tastes have changed over the years. everything is bland and nothing will fill the hole inside of me.
we used to talk about doing this domestic shit together. id clean the house or make dinner that you’d pretend to like for me. i wish you hadn’t done that. i wonder if their tastes are more similar to yours? knowing what i know, that’s probably true. i doubt you have arguments over something as simple as food. i wish i didn’t pick arguments over such insignificant things.
i think i like someone again. he is nothing like you. he’s 23, good relationship with his mom, cowboy, six foot something. i know it’s a dumb word, but having crushes now is different. everytime i find myself attracted to someone i compare every little thing they do to you. with him, i don’t find much. he has your kindness and playful personality, but that’s about it. i think that’s why i like him so much.
work was hard today. i’m trying to quit smoking. i’ve given up all substances other than what i’m rightfully prescribed. i wonder if you’d be proud of that? i wonder if you’d feel anything at all.
idk man this is the only social media that i have no ties to anyone on and i just need to vent/rant/ whatever bc the unsent project only allows 100 characters and i have so many emotions that i will get lectured at if i post somewhere ppl will see it.
i am fine. not happy. not good. just fine.
i miss a life that i never had. something i have learned over the years ive been alone is how much i love to run. anytime anything in my life gets hard i do whatever i can to run away from it. ill change my name, hair, style, house, friends, ANYTHING to forget that version of myself and that time of my life. i have never had a strong sense of self, i dont know who i am or what i stand for. its funny, my mother may have been wrong about so much but she was right about that.
i have done horrible things. everyday when theres a pause in the chaos i remember. i hate it. no matter what i change, the memories remain.
ive gotten better at taking accountability. ive gotten better at just making the right decisions in the first place. what might be the easy choice is rarely ever the right answer. my brain is sick, but other people shouldnt have to suffer because of it.
i started taking my meds regularly again. its not easy and i feel empty but if thats what keeps the people i love safe then ill do it over and over again. i still remember the last message he ever sent me. he really was trying even after everything.
i catch myself missing him often. its not fair; its actually incredibly selfish. things were not good. we were awful together because of me. i wonder if we had met later on, maybe things wouldve been different.
i doubt it. he was my first true love. if it wasnt with him it wouldve been someone else. thats how i know deep down i was the issue all along.
overall im fine. there is nothing special about me. anyone on the street wouldnt give me a second glance. i no longer feel pride in being "brutally honest". ive learned thats nothing but an excuse for being mean. i just dont see the world like i used to. i am not better than anyone else. i dont need to be.
im glad that im working on being better. im just sorry it happened too late. i couldve been so much more.
nostalgia is a funny thing. i am in love with my past. maybe its because in the end ill always be more comfortable in chaos. maybe its because im scared ill forget the things ive truly loved.
i still write about him. not music. its more poetry. music is alive. everything about him is dead now. like ink on parchment.
in the end, i really want him to know he was what changed me. im glad i no longer cringe away from mirrors. im glad i dont see her in my reflection anymore. he always did feel obligated to fix what was broken. i just wish my brokenness didnt cut into him as deep as it did.
i dont love him. i dont hate him. i just want to be free of who i was when i was with him. but thats the price of destruction.