This Album Is Packed Full Of "I Survived And God Damn It I Am Gonna Choose To Be Happy If It Kills Me"

You can protect me from everything, but you can't protect me from you.

What symptoms of depression actually look like

Increased irritability and/or anger when you don’t know why

Feeling numb or having muted emotions in response to upsetting or exciting situations

Lack of interest or passion, in general, for things you once loved

Inability to concentrate or stay focused

Change in sleep patterns, be it not getting enough sleep, having trouble falling asleep, or sleeping far too much and not feeling rested

Exhaustion overall, even for “no reason”

Missing deadlines for projects or assignments

Withdrawing from social activities

Feeling guilty for missing deadlines or withdrawing from social activities

Needing “the rest” because you’re so exhausted, but feeling worse because you stay in bed or on the couch most of the day

No motivation to actually get up and do basic tasks

Hating yourself for not responding to your friends or to important emails on time, but not being able to force yourself to do it

A passing desire to die or just not exist, but not being full-blown suicidal

Not an exhaustive list by any means. What other ways does depression manifest?

to the detriment of daughters

RAMADAN KAREEM TO ALL MY DEAR MUSLIM FOLLOWERS!

“When a child’s primary caregiver delivers both praise and brutality, it is a virtual coin toss as to which will attach itself to the child’s identity. Terribly unhealthy families damage children in many ways, but one of the saddest is the destruction of the child’s belief that he has purpose and value. Without that belief, it is difficult to succeed, difficult to take risks. Perhaps more to the point, it may seem foolish to take risks, “knowing,” as such people do, that they are not up to the task.The way circus elephants are trained demonstrates this dynamic well: When young, they are attached by heavy chains to large stakes driven into the ground. They pull and yank and strain and struggle, but the chain is too strong, the stake too rooted. One day they give up, having learned that they cannot pull free, and from that day forward they can be “chained” with a slender rope. When this enormous animal feels any resistance, though it has the strength to pull the whole circus tent over, it stops trying. Because it believes it cannot, it cannot.“You’ll never amount to anything”; “You can’t sing”; “You’re not smart enough”; “Without money, you’re nothing”; “Who’d want you?”; “You’re just a loser”; “You should have more realistic goals”; “You’re the reason our marriage broke up”; “Without you kids I’d have had a chance”; “You’re worthless”–this opera is being sung in homes all over America right now, the stakes driven into the ground, the heavy chains attached, the children reaching the point they believe they cannot pull free. And at that point, they cannot.”

— Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

lessons in survival & innocence lost

I can turn it on be a good machine I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need I can do it- I'll get through it…

-human, christina perri

I knew GAP was smart. I knew the writers had an expert handle on the story they set out to tell, because they've been telling it exceptionally well.

I did not expect them to give us a scene that was almost brutal in how quietly and accurately it portrayed the lengths people will go to cope- to survive- living under abuse.

I wrote last week:

"when we first meet Sam, she just seems like a cold, aloof, ever-composed high achiever. the more we learn about her past, the clearer it becomes that this was by design, not by choice."

the writers had already given us enough to piece together why Sam is the way she is, but this scene really pulled back the curtain in heart-wrenching, crystal-clear fashion.

teenage Sam skips into the room, carefree & enjoying being with her sisters. she wistfully watches Nueng on the piano, playing with a borderline-terrifying smile on her face.

Nueng catches Sam smiling & asks:

Sam responds simply, innocently: because Nueng is, of course. if her sister is happy, so is she.

a quick note on Nueng's smile: Mind really going in with her facial expressions here felt so intentional. it's obvious to us that she's forcing it, but Sam in her youthful naivete has no idea. she still sees a smile for what it is, for what it should be: joyful, happy, and most importantly- honest.

it was such a smart move on the writer's part, adding to the weight of the moment that comes next.

Mind's expressions here are the definition of "a picture's worth a thousand words."

the smile fades away, replaced by a melancholy, world-weary expression. like she knows what she's about to do, and the effect that it'll have on Sam, but that it's for her own good.

right or wrong, cruel or kind- in her mind, it'll help Sam survive.

Song pipes in first, though: she knows why Nueng is smiling like that, and what it really means.

Nueng explains that it's a ruse: she's actually under a lot of stress, so she's tricking her own body by smiling.

Nueng’s explanation (understandably) isn't enough for Sam. she doesn't have any concept yet of faking emotions, let alone why anyone would do such a thing- so she questions Song about it, too.

Sam’s still processing Song’s response when Nueng walks up, placing a gentle hand on her head. the weariness is back as she tells Sam she can do this, too.

the look of wide-eyed, innocent worry on Sam’s face when she asks “how?” nearly broke my heart in two.

this is all new to Sam, but she trusts her sisters. this must be an important thing that she learn to do, right? and these behaviors have to be learned- either out of necessity or through loving, misguided instruction, like we're witnessing here.

it was like watching a slow-motion car crash: you know the impact is coming and it’s going to be awful, but you can’t look away.

I desperately wanted to shield Sam in this moment- to keep her from learning how to twist and contort herself into something she isn’t to survive the environment she was born into.

Sam parrots back Nueng’s advice at first before confusedly asking, “what if I’m happy? can I smile then?”

Nueng doesn’t hesitate: “if you smile, you lose.” and I’m on my knees, thoroughly gut-punched.

the final nail in the coffin: Nueng telling Sam that she wants her to do that.

Freen then gives us a masterclass in loss of innocence via expression alone. we can see Sam’s light diminishing right in front of our eyes, fading into the schooled, emotionally numb look we know so well for the first time.

it’s equal parts brilliant and unbearably awful.

I can fake a smile I can force a laugh I can dance and play the part if that's what you ask give you all I am…

this scene was one of the most powerful illustrations of the lengths victims will go to survive that I’ve ever seen in a show, Asian or otherwise.

there was zero expository dialogue here. witnessing Sam being brought into the warped, broken fold 'for her own good' was plenty.

it was paradise lost; it was the twilight of innocence; it was the continuation of the cycle. and it made Sam’s openly-expressive, incandescently emotional vows in the wedding scene all the more meaningful.

love, in the end, finally broke the wheel.

side note- not to nitpick but I'm gonna: I really wished they went with the actress who played young Sam for this scene rather than Freen. Sam clearly knew how to force an expression much earlier, so have Freen play this scene felt like a continuity error, even though she knocked it out of the park.

exhibit a ⬇️

😭 Jungkook as Hua Cheng from HOB such PERFECTION!

breaking the cycle of generational abuse takes time.

the truth of that cannot be overstated. for a child, it warps and reshapes everything: their understanding of themselves, what their place is in the world and how they engage with it.

when we first meet Sam, she just seems like a cold, aloof, ever-composed high achiever. the more we learn about her past, the clearer it becomes that this was by design, not by choice.

Sam learned from a young age that love and acceptance were contingent upon her compliance. it was transactional- to be earned by meeting her grandmother's expectations, never freely given with no conditions. she took the one thing a child needs the most and dangled it like a prize over Sam’s head, making her work for it.

and if Sam needed any further motivation not to stray from path she was placed on, all she had to do was look to her sisters- both of their lives a tragic example of the consequences of disobeying. imagine how afraid she had to be, and for so, so long. it's heartbreaking.

then Mon came along- letting light and so much love in with her.

with that in mind, next week's preview wasn't a big shock to me. painful, yes- but mainly because it rings so terribly true. the roots of abuse run deep and are long-reaching- often much further than we expect.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've actually liked high-tension or conflict in a finale. it usually feels like a cheap emotional ploy- lazy writing in an attempt to keep the audience coming back. in my opinion, that's absolutely not what we're seeing here.

the end still remains to be seen, but I have no doubt Sam will finally, permanently end the cycle. it's just that a little more work, a little more struggle, unfortunately- has to happen first.

a toxic foundation laid over a lifetime has finally been cracked, fractured. thanks to love, the biggest work is done. for me, next week doesn't seem like a step back at all.

it's just the last breaking of the wheel.

a note on Nueng, my beloved: sometimes, tough love is incredibly necessary, especially when you're so far gone in a situation that you can't see it for what it is. I was thrilled Nueng was there to provide an equally-strong opposing voice to their grandmother's authority. the one point I strongly disagreed with her on is calling Sam "soft" for continuing to bend to her grandmother's will.

Sam's reluctance to leave even when it's killing her has everything to do with a lifetime of conditioning and love for her grandmother (which she doesn't deserve)- she's not weak; she's a victim. she did find her strength when she walked away, and I fully believe she's going to realize just how strong, capable and worthy of love she is by the end.

People will tell you that emotional abuse isn’t real and what you’re dealing with isn’t that big a deal and you’re just exaggerating, but let me tell you something.

If you’ve ever been wary of everyone you know, even people you trust, because you’re expecting them to get angry with you over literally anything, make fun of you, or start making threats, something’s wrong.

If you’ve ever had to plan things in anticipation of a potential tantrum that you fear will be taken out on you, something’s wrong.

If you succumb to someone’s demands because you’re never sure if their threats are empty or legit and you just want to play it on the safe side, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself jumping at smaller noises in anticipation that they’re a warning sign for a tantrum, something’s wrong.

If you hide things - especially things that make you happy - because you’re so afraid that they’ll make fun of you for liking them, scold you for liking something they don’t, take them away, destroy them, or that they’ll defile them and ruin that love you have for them, something’s wrong.

If you find yourself being silent in the face of mild disagreements or thinly-veiled insults, rather than standing up for yourself because you just don’t want to start an argument and make things worse, something’s wrong.

If that very lack of standing up for yourself eventually leads to you never offering your opinion in any sort of discussion out of fear of ridicule or being scolded because that’s what you’re so used to, something’s wrong.

If you end up spending a lot of your time in your room keeping to yourself and keeping any trip outside of your room to an absolute minimum because you don’t want to risk putting one toe out of line and setting off a tantrum, yet you’re also aware that hiding out will also cause an issue and you’re probably just minimizing the risk instead of erasing it entirely, something’s wrong.

If you ever habitually glance outside the window to keep watch for your supposed abuser’s car to return from their work, errand or trip, and then heading to your room or other hiding place to keep out of their way, erasing any obvious signs that you’ve been out and about in the rest of your living space, something’s wrong.

If one of your greatest fantasies involves not a dream career or winning the lottery but instead an escape plan succeeding, something’s wrong.

If you could basically summarize your life as living in constant, subtle fear, Something. Is. Wrong.

Emotional abuse is very, very real, and it has lasting consequences that can affect people’s relationships, their jobs, and their lives all-around.

Don’t you dare tell me it isn’t real.