TW Really Deep Dark Thoughts..

TW really deep dark thoughts..

I want to recover… but I’m too scared. I want to eat… but I’m too scared. I want to live… but I’m too scared. I’m just too scared of the thought of gaining weight. Of showing myself out there in the world. I want to hide. I want to silently vanish away somehow.. yet I know that that isn’t possible. I’m in a constant fight in my own brain. As if there’s a own dark world in there where there’s pure chaos but also pure silence. Its like a dark neighbourhood at night and i walk through it but it’s so mf silent but it’s that scary type of silence where you know the next second something’s gonna happen. That terrifying type of silence. Where you don’t get a single second to breathe and relax. Always on the run. As if there’s something constantly behind you hunting you. THATS my brain.. I’m not living unless I feel.. pain. I’ve been in a constant numb mode where I just can’t cry. Even if I try and want to. I can’t. Fucking. Cry. When all I want is to have a good cry to let it all out. Instead, it develops into anger against myself and that’s when selfharm and starvation happily Hand in hand enter and punish me. For what? Existing???? What is this bullshit… I’m getting to a point where I don’t think I will ever be able to recover. I want to… but I’m just too… scared. Because all these dark thoughts are so damn familiar and in a way comforting bc it’s all I know. I wish I could experience the good. The happiness. The warmth and light so I can find comfort in there instead..