Latest Posts by xxsadist0nexx - Page 3

Fr

i’m sorry that i won’t get better

we all know how all this gonna end:/

BAHAHAHAHAH SAME

"fuck you my child is completely fine"

Your child has 8 pencil sharpeners yet none of them have the blades in them and wears hoodies in the summer

It's me I'm the child

Same

Cant remember how my arms look like unscarred. It feel like I always had them.

This.

Everybody thinks I’m so happy.

And I’m like : « Ok, but I won’t show you my arms and my thighs. You won’t see me crying the whole night and fall asleep at 4am. Neither when I can’t breathe because of my anxiety. Neither when I go to the toilets to cry. Neither when I have a binge eating episode. Or when I throw up in the toilets. Neither when I put a fake smile on my face when I have to meet people. Neither when I wake up and think about dying. You will never see this part of me. »

So you’re confused because I took it personally? Bitch yeah I took it personally. I stayed, I was always there, I was your best friend. And you just threw me to the curb when someone better came along? Yeah I took it personally, because I never would’ve done that to you.

“Humans aren't as complicated as we believe them to be. Everyone comes with an instructions manual. We just assume others are so complicated because we don't look hard enough. Look in their eyes and I can promise you, they will tell you everything you need to know.”

— read the fine print

Torn between slicing myself to death and getting better.

Me

My mom: how can you still be tired?! You slept all day!

Me: *is not actually physically tired, just really tired of reality and living so I use sleep as an alternative to death*

This.

Never enough discipline. I never have myself under enough discipline to achieve what I want to achieve. 

I know I’m sick. I know I’m ‘fucked up in the head’. I know what is good for me and what is bad for me. 

At the exact same time, I don’t care. 

I don’t want to be healthy. I don’t want a perfect relationship. I don’t mind the hurting, the aching, the low expectations, the hunger, the hurt. I don’t mind it because it’s all I’ve ever known. 

You obliterated me. You damn well messed me up. There were paragraphs and pages where I had to stop because I was struggling to release the pressure that was crushing my chest. I had to reel myself and emerge from the story's depths so that I could breathe; to remind myself that my lungs are deflated and that they need to function properly and that I must stand up and shake off droplets of grief. To recover from the flurry of punches to the gut, to suck back the air that was knocked out of me. To stop the world from spinning as my eyes sped through thousands of words. To remind myself that I am still lucky, to remind myself that I am still safe, before I plunge into the novel's depths once again.

Then, to brace my body for the impact of shifting narratives (especially the few final ones), the remaining words that I knew would deliver the hardest blow.

Ang hirap mong basahin. Ilang beses ko kinailangan munang pakalmahin puso ko. I knew there was a right time to finally fish you out of my TBR pile. I knew that it must be when I am emotionally prepared and ready.

For those who haven't yet read "A Little Life" and are planning to, please know that it is a heavy book loaded with heavy issues that may trigger your mind to spiral. To call this novel dark and gloomy is an understatement. Prepare for the pain.

Yet, even after all that, I highly appreciated this reading experience. First time diving into prose that juggles themes of horrendous traumas and bright, complex friendships, of how they blend and clash and affect the fragile, broken self living in an often cruel age of anxiety.

Relatable

The crazy thing about me hiding my depression is that my family and my friends don’t think I’m happy. No. They actually think I’m a REALLY happy girl. Like sooooo happy. Always smiling, always laughing, always making jokes.

My friends already asked me : « Is that actually possible for you not to smile !? »

It’s kinda funny to ask this to a depressive, insomniac, binge eater, self harmer, suicidal girl.

“I knew everything had changed when I looked into your eyes and saw every single lie you ever told, and watched you deny every last one.”

— Thanks dad for all the memories, I surly will never forget you

This

Once I secure a way of k!lling myself I'm doing it. I can't take it anymore. I'm never a priority for anyone. I'm always expected to take care of everyone else's problems in my family and they never even try to help with mine. I have one friend and I feel like even he doesn't truly care how I feel. I have no one. I'm alone, like I've always been. I have no one to help me and I'm drowning. Hopefully I can just sl!t my wrists and be done with everything. It's not like I have anyone who truly cares about me anyway. I won't be missed, let alone remembered and that's somehow a comforting thought.

i love you pumpkin:)💖🥞

BAHAHAHAAAHAH ME

me at literally any minor inconvenience…

me: i want to kill myself

best friend: wtf?! why??

me: i spilled milk

best friend:…so clean it?

me: no, you don’t understand…i must die now

“I know we aren't who we use to be, but I'll never forget who we were.”

— RIP to whatever we were

this post hasn't left my mind since i've first saw it

The Man

The man you called ‘dad’,

The man who turned his back 

The man who left you alone to grow by yourself.

The man you no longer call dad,

The man who turned back,

Like years hadn’t pass.

Now the man that never calls back,

Asks why you never call back.

Makes you laugh,like he isn’t the man who left you alone to grow by yourself…

✨this✨

This

I envy the hero’s who weren’t a coward and took their own life. I hope to make that list one day… 

Frrrr

You know it’s bad when getting new razor blades makes you excited

This.

Maybe I self sabotage my life just so I can have a reason to end it all...

And in the end, maybe that's what I've wanted all along...

To end it...

My scars have been fading as well and their barely there at this point but if you really want to see them you can, this is exactly how I feel.

You can’t see them anymore, my scars, unless you really want to. 

I have photos to prove that they were there. 

And I have enough hatred for myself left to see them now. 

They’re going to get clearer and clearer and I’m going to hate myself more and more and I don’t want people to put up with that. 

But at the same time, I can’t bring myself to keep them faded. 

Because they’re a part of me, now, forever. Battle scars. 

Maybe, also, it’s a part of feeling valid. As if seeing them makes me entitled to the bad days that I occasionally have. The days of suffocating panic and the constant ‘scars, scars, scars, scars’ that runs through my head. 

Well, look. I don’t have these days often, and they come with the reappearance of my scars in summertime. 

So, really, I’m just silly. 

I just want to love myself. Scars and all. 

And I can’t just get rid of them. That wouldn’t be fair. 

So what am I meant to do?

Ignoring them doesn’t work, and hiding them isn’t practical. 

They’re starting to reappear, slowly. The sun has that effect. 

I dislike it but why am I making no effort to fix it?

I think I covered that, but I do have the tendency to circle. 

I want to cry and that is remarkably stupid but I do. 

I do. 

Förlåt mamma, men din dotter är riktigt fucked up.

Difference between promises and memories?

We break promises.

And our memories break us.

LMAOOO IKR

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING

that awkward moment when you just slit your skin open and youre still thinking about that essay you need to finish

Ong

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Well fuck you.

What doesn't kill me makes me want to kill myself, and trust me; someday i will.

Same.

Do you ever just want someone to punch in your face, crack a few of your ribs and cut open your skin?

Tw// scars, self harm

Have you ever wanted to just roll you sleeves up???? Wear those short shorts???? And have no one bat an eye??? Like yes the scars are super apparent but no one mentions it, just a nonverbal air of understanding and moving on from it