Abdullah - Blog Posts
If depression has a color it wouldn't black. It would be dull muted gray.
Black makes a statement.
It's solid, not allowing any light in. It's bold. It's loud. It's in your face. It's like the infinite night sky. It's lovely sin in lace.
Muted gray isn't any of those things. It's dull. It's numb.
It's soft background white noise. It's pale and not blatantly seen.
It blends into the scenery without other people even noticing.
It still lets some light in. It's nothing. It says nothing. It's just there-existing. Lifeless and drained of all life, spirit, color, and the essence of who you are. You lose your identity. You lose your personality.
In depression, you lose everything that makes you-you.
You're muted gray. And that's okay. In time, you'll heal little by little, getting yourself out of the monotone darkness you know so well. You made a bed there. You're comfortable there. Safe. But don't stay there. Even though it feels like home. It's not. It's a big grey-black veil over your real self. Your soul. Once you start healing, you lift the veil up little by little....letting light in.
As months and years go by, you've healed in many little steps that add up to a huge change in you. You're still in depression, but nowhere near as deep as you were. You remember how you were back then, and you see how much you healed for the better.
You see you're not staring at walls or patterns on drapes, or blankly staring at the floor. You're not closed off, you're not as quiet, you're smiling more, laughing more, engaging more, doing more activities you used to love and enjoy, being more sociable, and overall just being the real YOU.
You see more of your old personality shining through. THAT'S when you see the difference in you. You're not 100% healed by any means. But you've made strides. More and more...seeing your old self there in the distance in the field.
Go get her. She needs you back.
I want to hold your hand on a cold night, and wake up to your face on a Saturday morning.
I want to travel that vast expanse of your mind and scare the evil spirits and bad thoughts away. I want to fall asleep to the pure sound of your heartbeat and taste the tantalizing feel of your skin.
I want to wrap my arms tight around you and never let go. I want to fall asleep to the sound of your voice and wake up to the beauty of your smile.
I want to kiss you from head to toe and drown in your carefree laugh. I want you, in your entirety, and I want to love you endlessly.
A story doesn't exist unless it's Told.
"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters."
--Abdullah.
"If your hand can move through my body and touch my heart, what would you feel emanating from it?
Sorrow and emptiness in the dark black spaces hallowed out where loved ones were lost and their seats are empty? Telling you I'll never be the same person I was before those losses.
Hypervigilance which has my heart in a constant state of alert for potential threats around me from past traumas? Always aware of my surroundings. Compassion and Empathy in great vibrations through your fingertips telling you I often put other people's feelings ahead of my own?
Avoiding conflicts to save any bad feelings to the other person, keeping my feelings to myself often to keep the peace, even if that means sacrificing what I truly feel and want. Overly understanding and kindness you feel moving in slow soft waves over your hand-so others don't feel how I've been feeling, and it can turn their whole day around into a smile?
Welcoming pure love telling you I made a home for you in a special stained-glass colored place in my heart so I can always embrace you there? Innocence beaming that's almost childlike swinging high on a swing in the golden sunshine, holding a yellow dandelion flower in my hand as my feet can almost touch the clouds in the blue sky without a care in the world? Romance that makes my delicate feminine soul look like pink pastel hues, and feels like a white doily lace on an old antique side table with an ivory Tiffany lamp warmly illuminated by the light through the drapes?
Passion searing hot red flames with heat that would scorch you until you learn to tame and control it till it surrenders to you? Desire and sensuality in the corners ready to lure you with the look of my eyes and a devilish smirk in my smile?
All that you can feel with just one touch.
One graze of your fingertips sliding down as your hand is cascading through.
So Fuck my soul and feel me entirely- to know me completely, honestly, and wholly with you in it.
He was fluent in me.
In every way.
He rode my highs and my lows, and the waves that came crashing upon me almost drowned me.
He knew how emotionally deep feeling I can be, and how I overthink often to the point of anxiety.
He knew when I was quiet, I was in deep thought or upset about something and holding it in.
He knew when something was bothering me and filled me up with stress, I hardly ate.
He knew I was a very strong person, but also broken with many cracks deep as caverns, and cracks that are healing and mending.
He knew my eyes spoke more than my lips ever could. He knew my eyes can speak a language of their own only for him. A language he loved gazing at.
He knew my body even as he was in a meeting with his eyes closed, picturing me laying on the bed with that black lacy number he liked. He knew every inch, every curve, every line of my body in memory.
He knew how to make my body rise and fall, and quiver only for him. How to make me purr and scream at the same time.
He knew when to be soft with me, and when to not be so gentle.
He knew when I needed to talk about something on my mind, and when I needed to just be held as if there were only the two of us in the world.
He knew I always had a hard time falling asleep, but once sleeping-was hard to wake me up.
He knew I hated change and don't take it well. Even with choosing restaurants, ordering meals, or picking TV shows. The familiar felt much more comfortable and safe than the risk of something new.
He knew when something was wrong just by my voice or how my eyes looked at him, and I didn't even need to say a word.
He knew when I was stressed, I cleaned.
He knew my humor was dirty and sarcastic, yet childlike. And he knew I loved to laugh and make people laugh- because in depression-you know what it's like to not feel.
He knew I loved consistency, from the 'good morning' to the 'goodnight', to show me I was on his mind from sunrise to sunset.
He knew my walls were built higher and higher over the years due to traumas, loss, and pain- not to keep people out, but to protect myself and not burden others. Walls only He knew how to climb and navigate.
He knew how to protect me physically and emotionally, even from myself and my own anxiety filled mind.
He knew how I liked to be touched...and licked.
He knew how I loved laying my head on his chest because it's the safest place to be at times.
He knew when I tell him I love him, it's not just those words. It's also in me saying -'let me know when you get home okay', and drive safe'.
He knew the electrical currents to my mind, and the road map to my soul.
He knew it all. Every part, every inch of me. But most of all.
He loved me for me...accepting my rationalities, irrationalities, complexities, and my simple.
Loving you completely for all you are...the good and easy parts, and the dark and crazy parts- will come very natural and easily to the one who truly and genuinely loves you. It will come harder for one who doesn't. If you're lucky, you'll find 'the one'... like I did.
Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you’re in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you.
No one will come to save you but some will offer you their hand to hold when life gets tough and those are the ppl that matter.
It's okay for others to misunderstand you and your intentions. it is inevitable actually.
I do feel like this whole self improvement culture thing can go too far where people are never happy with who they are and where they are because they’re constantly trying to be better or do better and they’re always waiting for some sort of glow up or achievement or therapy realisation that will make them feel complete but that isn’t real and life is actually in the every day.
The goal for this year and for every year is to be kind and also to stop being scared of literally everything.
Even having one true friend or person that loves you can change your life.
It's only because of their stupidity that they're able to be so sure of themselves.
He dipped his fingers into my mouth
and called me his.
I brought the animal out in him.
The side he showed no one else.
And I became something feral, taunting, and submissive. The very thing he needed and craved.
I felt wanted and adored.
He felt needed, cathartic, and in control.
And when we collided, storms erupted violently.
Taste my soul and see how it only drips for you.
Make my body rise and fall like the greatest ruins in Rome.
Lick away the growling moans from my mouth that only you hear.
Give me a sensual memory that makes me close my eyes and take a deep breath remembering what the moment felt like.
Make me scream your name as I'm throwing my head back in ecstasy and agony.
Rapture me with your words that send chills down my spine and ignites my soul.
Wipe my tears away and calm my anxieties as only you can.
Calm the storms in my eyes and the panic in my chest as you hold me tight.
Break down my Hadrian's Wall that keeps guard of my emotions, and barricades my heart from hurt.
Help calm my mind by separating my rational and my overthinking.
Put my insecurities to rest by gently caressing my mind.
Paint the mosaic of my heart with vibrant colors, instead of the muted grays of depression.
Make me come alive again by scratching your fingers down my back making red lines.
Lay down with me putting my head on your chest- as I'm listening to the rhythm of your heartbeat relaxing my tension.
Envelope me so the dark matter of my heart can collide with yours forming our own constellation.
Be my muse, my force, my inspiration for my raw creative expression.
Lure out my darkness and play with it as you wickedly grin.
Smile warmly at the innocence of my light that illuminates my soul.
Love me through my light and dark- guiding me through the journey not letting me fall.
Have such a strong connection with me that I'm etched into your mind, as you're in mine.
A connection so incredibly strong that we're highly attuned to each other as a 6th sense without having to say a word. We just know.
Love me as only you can...sincerely, divinely, truly, all encompassing, and adoringly....and I'll always be yours as long as the stars are in the night sky.
Samira - Ради любви.
Perhaps most of all, though, you deserve to be okay. You deserve to know that a day in which you can just barely get out of bed because you are sad, or sick, or simply not ready to see the outside is not the end of the world.
You deserve to know that moments of weakness do not make you fundamentally weak, only fundamentally human, and that sometimes we’re not going to be effusively happy, and that is okay.
Come and kiss me and let’s forget.
ربما الأهم من ذلك كله أنك تستحق أن تكون بخير. أنت تستحق أن تعرف أن اليوم الذي بالكاد تستطيع فيه النهوض من السرير لأنك حزين أو مريض أو ببساطة غير مستعد لرؤية الخارج ليس نهاية العالم.
أنت تستحق أن تعرف أن لحظات الضعف لا تجعلك ضعيفًا بشكل أساسي ، بل تجعلك بشريًا بشكل أساسي فقط ، وأننا في بعض الأحيان لن نكون سعداء بشكل مفرط ، وهذا أمر جيد.
تعال وقبلني ودعنا ننسى.
#Abdullah
Samira - Ради любви.
Happiness is not having memory to remember and heart to surrender.
Elissa - Baddy Doub (I want to be swept away).
أحبك،
أريدك وأريد أن أمارس الحب معك.
أحبك. أنت تجعلني أشعر كأنني رجل.
لا استطيع العيش بدونك.
لست بحاجة إلى أي شخص آخر غيرك.
كل ما اريده هو انت.
أحلم بك كل ليلة وحيدا في سريري.
I love you,
I want you and I want to make love to you.
I love you. You make me feel like a man.
I can't live without you.
I don't need any other one but you.
All I want is you.
I dream of you every night alone in my bed.
#Abdullah
Believe me, there are still women that will love and accept you even if your mouth is harsh when you're angry.
Because she understand you're not perfect. You're just a man. She will not simply fell out of love with those mistakes. She will accept you like you accept her despite her flaws.
Tell you what's wrong in you, she will help you to fix yourself. And when you go to war, in the heat of the moment, she will never think that your relationship is already broken. Believe me, there are still women who will be there for you through thick and thin.
A big salute to those women out there.
Hello! Keep going! God's with you!
Every man hopes to have a good woman by his side, but many don’t realize that women with genuine hearts come with real, powerful emotions. They feel everything deeply, love with intensity, and give their whole heart to the people they care about.
A good woman is loyal to the core, but her tender heart means she can also become frustrated, hurt, or emotional when something doesn’t feel right. This isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s simply because she cares so deeply.
Sure, she might have her moody days, but one thing is certain: when a good woman loves you, it’s a rare, precious kind of love.
It’s a love you won’t find anywhere else. Value it.
‿ℒℴνℯ⁀💕 Abdullah
#Abdullah #KittyCat
𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗗𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗛𝘂𝗿𝘁.
Love is supposed to feel like home, a place where you’re safe, valued, and understood. But sometimes, love comes in a form that breaks you instead of building you. It can make you question everything: your worth, your choices, even your ability to be loved.
Maybe you've experienced that kind of love. The kind that made you beg for attention, for affection, for the smallest proof that you mattered to them. The kind of love that made you feel like you were too much and never enough at the same time.
It’s lonely, isn’t it? To give so much of yourself and feel like it’s never truly returned. To stay awake at night, overthinking their actions, wondering if you’re the problem when all you ever wanted was to be loved right.
If love ever finds me again, I hope it’s not like that. I hope it’s from someone who makes me feel whole, not someone who leaves me doubting my value. I hope it’s with someone who loves me for who I am, not who they want me to be. Someone who doesn’t make me feel stupid for trying, for caring too much, or for giving my all.
Love shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t hurt this much. I don’t want a love that feels like a lesson. I want a love that feels like peace. If that’s too much to ask, maybe I’d rather wait, lonely but whole, than settle for another love that breaks me.
Because I’ve learned one thing: the love we deserve doesn’t make us beg for it. It just stays. It just feels right.
Abdullah.
A story doesn't exist unless it's Told.
