Bachelor Episode 3 - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

When we last left our hero, Sean had narrowed down the gaggle of women vying for his true and everlasting love down to 16 from 19. The previews for this week show Tierra taking a dramatic fall down the stairs, so we have that to look forward to. They want us to believe it might be due to foul play, perhaps even on the part of Kacie B., and I can’t wait to see it.

Knowing exactly what we’ve all come here for, ABC dutifully starts the show with a montage of Sean doing various exercises and sweating it out on the treadmill. Sean sweats a lot, so I think he really works out that hard, that often. Good for him. I hope he puts forth that much effort into things like reading and keeping abreast of current events.

Kicking off is the first one-on-one date with Leslie M. Leslie H. the poker dealer is really disappointed that it’s the other Leslie who gets to spend quality time with Sean. As Leslie is getting ready and telling us how excited she is, I can’t help but notice once more how much she reminds me of just “that girl” from college. She is pretty, she is perky, she is actually really smart and studious, but also a bit of a wild card. Like, don’t we all know a Leslie?

“It could take our relationship to the next level, which would be a great thing,” she beams to camera. Yes, Leslie, taking your relationship from having done one photo-shoot together to an actual relationship would be a thing.

In the limo, Sean and Leslie discuss what the date card could possibly mean. It said “How long will this love last?” and that’s a little presumptuous to use the word “love” date card.

Then they pull up to the most horrifying museum on one of the most awful streets of America, the Guinness World of Records Museum on Hollywood Boulevard!!! It would be nearly impossible for me not to make a sour face upon arriving at what I presume is a very smelly (You know how some poorly kept museums smell weird?) and stupid museum.

Leslie proves she’s in politics by diplomatically saying, “Ok. This could be fun. But, like, if I could’ve picked any place, I really didn’t think we’d be coming to the Guinness World Records.”

They wander about and comment on the plastic mannequins of various world records. I can only imagine how bad that museum smells. It looks very small and very creepy, but the two manage to smile and laugh.

“It’s been fun because she is fun to interact with” is a real sentence that came out of Sean’s mouth to describe this terrible date. I am going on public record that I will volunteer my time to tutor him in use of the English language and maybe read a few books. Nothing sexy, just book-learning. Get in touch, Sean.

Well, now, hang on a sec! What’s this! Sean wants to show Leslie the reason he brought her to this toilet bowl! Set up in the middle of the museum is a poster board that production put together at Kinko’s and mounted on a tripod. He tells us the story, “Something that you need to know, is that my dad? He likes to do things a little outside the norm.” Oh boy. “He set the record for driving through the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time.” So, pretty much the most boring world record you can think of. Longest amount of time sitting on a couch would be more exciting than that. But Leslie is astonished and thrilled!

And now the real fun begins because Sean takes her out to the front of the museum to a cheering crowd and Chris Harrison who tells them that they will be attempting to set the world record for longest on-screen kiss! WOOOOO! It’s three minutes, sixteen seconds and she looks very, very scared.

To make this as uncomfortable for everyone as possible, the two mount a small platform and then we painstakingly watch all three minutes and twenty seconds of their kiss. At first it’s a fine kiss, then it just drags on and on and I hope they can breathe. They are both commenting how ridiculous it is, and then finally, finally they break the record and detach lips.

What a fun, fun date and what a great story to tell the grandkids, “Oh yeah on our first date Grandpa took me to a crappy museum then forced me to kiss him for a record setting amount of time as he sucked the oxygen from my lungs, then we fell in love”.

Now for the rest of their date under the sign on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. Leslie talks about how much she loved growing up, and how much she loves hanging out with her family, and how much she admires the love that her parents have. It might be sincere, but it also just sounds like the list of things Sean wants to hear because that’s what he is all about.

Kacie, Robyn, Kristy, Leslie H., Desiree, Catherine, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniela, Jackie, and Tierra are all going on the group date that says “Who’s going to win my heart?” And some of the girls are excited for an active date.

Back on the roof top, Leslie and Sean awkwardly kiss some more while holding champagne flutes! There is nowhere to put them down but they can’t just spill all over each other so they manage to kiss with champagne flutes precariously perched all about. And Sean gives her the rose. I like Leslie just fine, so I’m not sorry to see her stick around for a bit, which I think she just might.

Beach party group date!!! The girls pull up in their beachy best for a day of fun in the sun! Kristy the Ford Model is wearing more makeup than a drag queen and has a bandana around her head like 80s fitness Barbie. All the girls appear to be wearing coordinated swimwear provided by some unnamed sponsor.

Sean does push-ups with one of the girls on his back in front of all the other women.

Surprise! CHRARRISON IS HERE! A no-stakes beach party was too good to be true, so to make everything horrible Bachelor style, they’ll be split into teams and play a game of volleyball. The losing team goes home, and the winning team gets the rest of the date with Sean. They do this at about this time every season just to bring out the best and worst in the contestants.

Handily enough, the randomly selected teams are wearing matching swimsuits. Blue team: Kacie, Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, and Amanda. Red team: Taryn, Leslie, Kristy, Daniela, Tierra, and Catherine. Catherine hasn’t gotten much screen time, but in every frame she is smiling or jumping for joy or laughing and not in a dumb way. I think she is 100% reveling in the fun that is being a contestant on this crazy show, and I like that.

This game is “not exactly pretty” as Sean says and I can’t help but agree. Out of twelve women, not one of them played high school volleyball, and so it drags on and on and on with lots of shrieking and falling. Finally, the blue team prevails and wins their hard-earned time with Sean.

To say the girls on the red team are devastated would not nearly accurately describe the depth of their disappointment. Taryn can’t believe how much was at stake and they lost it all. Over the joyous squawking of the blue team, Sean says good-bye to the other girls.

Kristy starts sobbing and is beating herself up about letting her team down. She needs to take a deep breath. Leslie H. starts crying in the van-ride home too.

The victors are swept off to the most magical and romantic of locations: Sean’s pad. “Follow me. Welcome to my place,” he deadpans as he leads the girls to their dream date. They can’t help but gloat about how lucky they are to spend time with Sean.

Walking into the living of the mansion clad only in the bikinis they left in, the losers arrive to lick their wounds. As some more women begin to cry at their loss, Catherine just holds her face and observes them as if to say, “Omg, guys. Get over it. It’s not that big of a deal.” Preach, Cathy!

Tucked into a dark corner of the property, Lindsay professes her very deep, very quick feelings for Sean and they make out. She seems young, but she’s making up ground from her initial freak-show status.

Desiree pulls him away to another dark corner next, and she is just cute as a button. They have some actually good and natural banter that doesn’t consist of her professing her deep love for him way too soon.

The final one-on-one date card comes and Tierra picks it up. She reads off AshLee’s name…then Selma’s! What!? No! Not a two-on-one! And especially not with those two chicks that I like so much! Except wait. Just kidding. Tierra made a hi-larious little joke there. She is so funny. I’m laughing so much. The girls are about as amused by it as I am. Sarah feels me. She is over that Tierra girl.

So it’s just AshLee on the date. As a side note though, Selma looks like she isn’t wearing a stitch of makeup in this scene and is still radiantly lovely. I’m jealous but even more totally Team Selma.

Anyways, on the group date Amanda is very contrary and still really negative which makes sweet lil’ Desiree all fired up. Amanda proclaimed earlier that she is very competitive and we see that side come roaring out as she goes gunning for the rose. Desiree is not thrilled by her blunt confidence and calls Amanda “creepy”.

Meanwhile, Kacie has been keenly observing this whole ordeal, and decides that it would be to her advantage to tell Sean about their issues because she thinks he won’t put up with drama. So she pulls him aside and tells him all of this. And he basically says who cares? Kacie tries to backtrack and make it about her being confused and distracted, but he’s just over it right then and there.

Sean gives the date rose to Lindsay of all people and she is just happy as can be! A strange choice but whatever, I don’t think she’s going to be here all that long.

Now that that heinous group date is out of the way, it’s time for dear sweet AshLee to get her one-on-one time. She wants to be able to tell Sean about her past and being adopted and just have some good conversation. I like this girl already, and plus her hair is beautiful and her dress is pretty.

Then we hear a series of thuds and several shrieks and squeals. Tierra down, everybody! We have a Tierra down! A burly producer runs right to her aid, as all the other girls quickly gather to observe the scene. They let Sean just waltz into the house and call out “Good-morning!”

He tries asking Tierra questions and she is just not responding and being weird, and he thinks she has a concussion. “As a guy who’s had several concussions,” AH THERE’S THE RUB “I know we might need to get her to a hospital.”

So the ambulance is called and paramedics arrive. But Tierra no likey. As they start to put a brace on and get her strapped to a gurney she becomes quite petulant. “I’m FINE,” she wines, “I don’t wanna do this!” She sounds like a sixteen-year-old being told to clean the bathroom.

She just wants to be left alone! Waaa! She doesn’t want to do this! Waaaa! Sarah makes eye contact with an EMT and they share an eye roll. Sarah is also wearing a “support local artists” tank top, so extra plus bonus points for Sarah.

All of the girls are totally over it when they take off the neck brace and Tierra just springs back into standing position and mopes away. Least amused of all is AshLee, “I’m a smart woman. I can see through [her].” Tierra is twenty-four and seems about as mature as a recently turned twenty-one-year-old. AshLee, despite her infantile name, is thirty-two years old and has been through real sh*t. She has no patience for this. It’s date time! Get your man and go!

Sean and AshLee finally get on their way, and stop his jeep at the front gates to Six Flags! This is a date I can get behind. The park is open only for them, and a few special guests Sean has invited along to show how dear volunteering is to him. Joining them will be two chronically ill girls who met online through a charity called “Starlight Children’s Foundation” but have never met in person. So today, they get to finally meet and spend all day at the amusement park. So sweet. I love this.

Brianna is a tiny little thing with very long hair. You can see the excitement radiating off her, and then the next limo pulls up with Emily. They run to each other and gently hug with great emotion as Sean explains that they both suffer from mitochondrial disease. They both look so wee and fragile, so I hope they don’t break on the coasters.

Sean and AshLee are both very genuine and very sweet with these two girls who are totally awesome. I can’t help but wonder if they’re Nerdfighters. Anybody out there know? They ride the rides and play the games and have tons of fun. It’s a joy fest. AshLee is so touched that Sean was so thoughtful, and he is touched at how natural AshLee is making these girls comfortable.

Then there is a private concert from the Eli Young Band! For once they are not a d-list country band; they are pretty high up there. “I’ve never been to a concert!” one girl says. And they all dance as the girls sing along.

During their one-on-one time, Sean and AshLee have a natural conversation about her childhood and her adoption. She has such a calm demeanor and is so positive about everything that’s happened to her. You can see Sean’s heart growing, especially as she tells the story of really starting her life with her adoptive family. Sean tears up and sheds a few tears. I love seeing a grown man like that get teary eyed, and you can see them having a real connection and not just a Bachelor connection. This is a grounded, smart, great woman. You hold onto her, Sean! You don’t let that get away! And he makes the first step by giving her the rose!

Super creepily the band sneaks up behind them and starts playing again. So naturally they dance and share some really good kisses where Sean once again uses too much tongue. I feel like I see his tongue a lot on this show.

Then the Rose Ceremony of thievery begins. It all starts when Dez steals Sean from Tierra and the fire of Hades (or The Hades, right Daniela?) ignites behind her eyes. Tierra then immediately steals him back and then all of the other girls feel that this is what they must do for time with Sean steal him they must steal Sean but how can each person steal Sean to get the most time when everyone gets no time because of all the stealing?! HUH?? LADIES?? SLOW DOWN AND LET’S THINK.

Somewhere in there Sean pulls Sarah to the front of the house and a limo pulls up. She practically has a seizure thinking he’s sending her home, but really her French bulldog Leo hops out. This is a sweet but decidedly odd gesture for him to ship in her dog for 15 minutes of play time. Like, did it fly in? Who flew it in? How long was the dog there? What’s going on with the logistics of this dog visit!?

Anyways Chris Harrison makes me want to gouge my eyes out and cut off my little recapping fingers because we’re down to just thirteen from sixteen when Sean sends home Taryn and Kristy the Ford Model at the ceremony. He also sends Kacie home essentially for being a crazy person, which he called her to her face, but respects her too much to make her go through all the rose ceremony bullsh.

To conclude, I hope we start traveling soon to make things interesting and start sending girls home left and right. Let’s get this show on the road, people! See you next week when Tierra gets even crazier!!!