Bachelor Episode 6 - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

"That's what I remember from when I watched the movie! Houses under a hill!"

Welcome back to the World Tour of Love aka Juan Pablo’s Unexpected Journey aka The Bachelor. This week we are in New Zealand, and I am muy, muy excited. To be in the land of Hobbits and Radagast and Ents AND Flight of the Concords?! These women have no idea how lucky they are. Let’s get started.

First off, is New Zealand kidding with us? Is it KIDDING with how amazingly beautiful it is? Juan Pablo arrives at Lake Taupo by sea plane, and the girls are also overjoyed to be in the wonderland of Middle Earth. The suite is so chic and has an infinity pool overlooking a gorgeous river and I CAN’T HANDLE IT. I’VE GOT TO GO.

The first one-on-one date goes to Andi. Once again, one of the front-runners who was starting to get impatient waiting for her time to shine. She’s the last woman there to get a one-on-one. Andi is thrilled and the other girls are thrilled for her, except for Cassandra. Not that Cassandra hates Andi, but she’s starting to feel really homesick. She misses her son a lot. Obviously Renee, the mother superior of this group, is the one who talks it all out with Cassandra and she gets back on track.

Juan Pablo sounds like has a little bit of a sniffle when he tells how great today is going to be with Andi. They climb into a sporty speed boat and tear off down a river and it’s just like the Brandywine. But all of the sudden, it turns into a primordial rainforest with ferns and mosses and drizzling rain. And the boat driver in his precious kiwi accent is like “get out of the boat!” and they put on aqua shoes and go walking down a stony mossy path in the river. It’s freezing. It’s kind of terrifying. I feel like they’re going to get stuck and die.

Andi uses the trusting Juan Pablo through the rocks as a metaphor for a relationship and just letting go and trusting Juan Pablo! Oh but then they find the waterfalls of hot springs! That’s so cool. Let’s go you guys. Let’s quit our jobs and just move to New Zealand.

“It was definitely the most amazing date I’ve ever been on. It was cold. It was hot,” Andi says. Those are the two most important factors in any date: extreme temperature variations. But Andi still feels like they need to have a good evening portion of the date to really connect.

They are at Te Puora which is a geyser and while a picturesque setting to be sure, I don’t imagine it being too pleasant because from what I know of geysers, they smell. Really bad. Sulphur smells like rotting eggs. And geysers are all about the sulphur. But the two love birds don’t seem to mind. Also, why doesn’t my spell check recognize sulphur? It’s an element. A pretty common one. It knows uranium but not sulphur!? DUMB SPELL CHECK.

“Ooo, somebody’s exploding right now. Oh, the big one?” Juan Pablo turns around because the geyser is going off big time. It totally ruins dinner because of the sudden downpour, so they huddle away under a blanket. Now looking on the geysers from afar, they snuggle and have a heart to heart about what everyone talks about on the Bachelor: the future, wanting love, wanting to spend their lives with someone. She gets the rose because why not? They have chemistry, and I still like Andi.

Everyone is gunning for the second one-on-one date, but the group date card arrives first. “Let love roll!” Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and Cassandra are on it. Which means Clare has the one-on-one date. That seems rude and dumb.

But back to the group date at hand, Rotorua is the site and it’s a sweeping landscape, very windy, very pretty. It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday, y’all! She’s feeling very positive after her talk with Renee and is hopeful for a fairytale ending.

“This is my favorite place I’ve ever been. It reminds me, kind of, of Ohio, except we don’t have hills,” Chelsie tells JP. Which…where do I start Chelsie? That’s just NONSENSE. Regardless, after their little picnic they get to the crest of a hill and see the “oggo” run. It’s that thing you’ve probably seen before where people climb into giant, clear, inflatable balls and go rolling down hills. In this case they make them get into bathing suits and hop in a hot tub first, presumably to slick them down a bit so they don’t tear their flesh as they roll.

Everyone has so much fun and Nikki even manages to make-out with him in the “oggo”. It does look pretty cool even though when you climb out it looks a lot like a baby being ungracefully born.

Omg. Omg. Omg. OMG. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD THEY ARE HAVING DINNER AT HOBBITON! HOBBITON. THE REAL HOBBITON SET FROM LORD OF THE RINGS AND THE HOBBIT. IT’S SPECTACULAR. IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND I WOULD BE CRYING.

Sharleen is the only one with the appropriate reaction though: “This is so f***ing cool!”

I mean they are basically having dinner at BAG F**KING END.

Renee and JP have some special time first. They snuggle on a little hobbit bench in front of a little hobbit table and they have a little hobbit make-out sesh! Now he and Nikki have alone time on the same little hobbit bench. Nikki takes the opportunity to tell him how she feels, “I’m totally falling for you.” I don’t know, y’all. How weird would it be to have to check in weekly with a guy to say “here are exactly where my emotions for you are at”?

When he and Sharleen settle down, he immediately goes to kiss her and she once again does the weird neck face thing. The producers play some spunky, plucky music because Sharleen is awkward. “This process is a little inorganic for me,” Sharleen blurts out in a much longer word vomit of why she’s doubting what’s happening. And Juan Pablo continues to be the WORST DUDE because he just tells her to shut up and stop doubting herself. I mean on the one hand, yeah I’d want to be comforted but he always does it in this “stop being crazy, woman!” way.

Cassandra and the girls have fun celebrating her birthday, and she is gunning for the rose.  The girls keep calling the rose “the precious” and that rules. Whoever started that (I think Chelsie) gets all of my roses forever.

But then simple Cassandra is up for her time, “Oh that’s what I remember from when I watched the movie! The houses are like under a hill!” Yes Cassandra. That is the only important thing to pull away from Lord of the Rings: houses under hills. Despite not appreciating great film, she just is so excited that there could be a man who is a father figure for her son Trey. She pours her heart out to him about how much she respects him as a dad and she feels ready for love!

But Sharleen gets the date rose, and then JP pulls Cassandra aside for a moment. The other women assume it’s to tell her happy birthday. But no…it’s not. “You’re one of my special ones, you know that,” he starts. He hems and haws around the point but finally tells her that he’s going to send her home to her son because the feeling just isn’t there. She is incredibly gracious and says she’s disappointed. So he tells her NOT TO BE DISAPPOINTED. DUDE. LET PEOPLE FEEL THE FEELINGS THEY FEEL. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL FEELINGS.

He sends her home with a hug and some secret words. Poor thing. She’s so wee. And on her birthday??? Worst birthday ever. The producers overlay a truly depressing song to fit the mood in the New Zealand rain.

Oh but the bright side is that there’s a Hobbiton cat that’s lounging next to Chelsie when JP comes back in from the rain!

Now, now, now let’s get to the juicy stuff: Clare’s one-on-one date. Tensions ran pretty high in Vietnam after that little ocean fling, so I expect a high volume of drama today. Clare is expecting an apology for the way he behaved, but I’m not so sure she needs one. I don’t know.  He kicks right off by acknowledging the tension from the week before. He does apologize for being kind of harsh and making a mistake and misleading her. They make progress, but honestly I don’t give a hot shit about any of this. Clare is annoying and stupid and the ocean thing is a NON-ISSUE.

What is great though is the backdrop of their picnic. You know at the end of the Fellowship when the uruk-hai over take them and Aragorn realizes Frodo has to go it alone to Mordor and so Frodo pushes off his little boat into a river with a rocky shore? It’s like the river with the rocky shore and perfectly clear blue water.  But in this case there are no uruk-hai to carry Clare away and make her stop being on my TV. My kingdom for an uruk-hai.

Juan Pablo makes her promise not to cry because of him anymore. Again with the controlling of feelings? What is that? Is that thinly-veiled machismo? I don’t like it.

At dinner it’s more of the same conversation. I’m so bored. They change into sweats just to keep it so, so chill and cool and casual. JP is beyond horny for Clare. She gets the rose despite being incredibly annoying. But I’m starting to hate Juan Pablo too, so they’ll be perfect together.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony are taking place at an incredible sheep farm that I’ve decided is Rohan.  Our beloved host Chris Harrison finally gets to have a fireside chat with Juan Pablo! Chrarrison, please, please you rational man, help this fool of a Took.

The women are very quiet and tense at the cocktail party. There are three women with roses already, and Cassandra has already gone home, so that leaves three roses and four ladies. Everyone is freaking out.  Each of the women has good time to talk to Juan Pablo and make sure he knows where they are at emotionally. More than ever this season it feels like a harem/sultan situation.

Andi, Sharleen, and Clare all have roses and Juan is emotional before the rose ceremony officially begins. He calls Nikki first because she’s one of his top favorites; Renee is next because he likes her a lot too and darn it, so do we; and the final rose goes to…….Chelsie. Good. Very good. It was time for Kat to go home. Their relationship was not progressing despite how much she loved telling Juan Pablo about her alcoholic father. You’ll land on your feet Kat.

But after Kat leaves, Sharleen starts to have doubts about still being there. Well, I guess she’s had the doubts from the beginning but starts to really voice them here in Rohan. She feels “guilty in a way” because other girls might actually have a better relationship with him. As next week in Miami comes, she’s giving him one more week, one more chance and if she doesn’t feel it, she’ll go home.

What a cool ultimatum! That makes things interesting for sure!  I can’t wait. As you well know by now, recaps up on Wednesday, and I’m over on twitter @chasspod losing my mind about the Olympics until then. Love and many a wonderful, unexpected journey to you all!

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

Let's get this started, y'all! In the words of Montell Jordan - thiiis is hooow we dooo it.

The crew this week heads up to one of my top ten places I want to visit before I die: Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. Boy am I jealous of these crazies. Along with the promise of beautiful scenery, is the promise of Tierra having an extreme hypothermic episode in which all her mascara goes bye-bye.

Man do they love using the music from Intervention to score dramatic scenes in this show. I mean, they are definitely the same level of intensity so it makes sense.Sean is really excited because did you know? He loves the outdoors. He is an outdoorsy man.

The women are thrilled to be at their fancy hotel too, but concerned about Sean after he was so serious at the last rose ceremony. Lesley somberly says, “Honestly, you could tell it – on his face.” Now, to be fair, Lesley is one of the more intelligent girls there but help me out, girl.

Catherine, who is vegan but has managed to only mention it once, bless her, is going on the first one-on-one this week. She’s pretty adorable, and I kind of am hoping she becomes a front-runner. She beams at the camera, “I know today is just gonna be perfect,” and looks like a cuddly woodland creature.

Cut to her standing on the middle of an ice-field completely alone and presumably freezing her vegan ass off. She tells us she was “scared as hell” and then over the hill, appears a snow trekking vehicle from the Ice Planet Hoth. They play and giggle and have fun all their merry way in the snow bus, and then they play and giggle and have more funsicles up on a glacier! They are basically bunnies. They are bunnies.

They share some hot chocolate from a thermos (ROMANCE), and Catherine says she hasn’t had chocolate since she was “like, four”. Which is a HUGE missed opportunity to consume delicious beverages on her part. I also have to wonder if it’s Vegan, because even the powdered stuff have dehydrated dairy in it, no?

Sean tells us that Catherine has passed “the Blizzard Test” and then tries his hand at comedy one more time by saying, “Canada, eh?” to Catherine and boy does she giggle! They are discovering what comedy is together! Ha, ha, ha, oh, JOKES!

THEY GET IN A SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP to take them to the dinner portion of their date in an ICE CASTLE. BUT SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP. It’s very romantic and nice. Then Catherine tells a sob-story about how one time a tree fell on her best friend and killed her before her eyes when she was twelve. Now, look. This is terrible. This is indeed traumatic and probably formative, but relevant? Not sure. Important to your romance? Probably not? Whatever, Sean eats it all up and is googley eyed over her.

To let her know just how special she is, Sean gives her the rose like he’s given to all the other girls who are still here at least five times.

GROUP DATE. We have an exhilarating challenge that will follow a canoe trip across Lake Louise. Based on yesterday’s relay race, this will not be the easiest day. Also, once again, Sarah the girl with one arm is forced to do an activity best served by two hands and two arms. But, surprisingly, she does really well and aces it.

Lesley is in Sean’s boat and all the other girls are jealous that she volunteered to be in his boat when he asked.

When they reach the other side of the lake, Sean reveals that they will be completing a polar bear plunge! It’s a glacial lake, so the water is just above freezing. The girls are not obligated to complete this challenge, but Sean reminds them that YOLO. Then two Canadian life guards trot out to safety brief them. The girls look miserable. Selma is refusing. Tierra scowls. One lifeguard is ginger and looks like he has never seen other people before despite being a lifeguard. Maybe he’s a moose lifeguard, or bear lifeguard, or tree lifeguard because get it? There are no people in most of Canada.

Most girls are hesitant. Lindsay is thrilled. All we know is that it’s freezing but looks fun. I’ve done a polar bear plunge on New Years before and it is indeed exhilarating, but also painfully cold. That’s not really important. I just wanted to toss that out there.

With a selection of hikers watching, Selma prissily tells Sean no way will she do this. He half-heartedly encourages her to try it, but you can kinda tell he doesn’t care either way. Then Selma reminds us she is from Bagdad and doesn’t do cold, but she was also pissed that he brought an Iraqi to a desert so I guess there’s no winning with her.

The girls SCREECH into bikinis then SCREECH to the water’s edge, then SCREECH as they all take the final steps into the plunge and then, you guessed it, SCREECH as they run back to the tent to a flimsy little terry cloth robe. Somehow everyone’s makeup looks great. Then they SCRECH to camera about how great it felt, and how fun it was, and I’m like “YEAH, IT’S GREAT! I’M PROUD OF YOU TOO” and I realize I’ve been watching a lot of this show this week.

Then tragedy strikes. Tierra is gasping for air and hunched over and her makeup is dripping down her face like a monster. The ginger wildlifeguard has his time to shine as they wrap her in space blankets and race to a car to warm her little body. Faking it. She’s faking it.

Dez and Catherine see the emergency scene and are very concerned! They have no idea who it could be, and therefore don’t know it’s Tierra faking an illness once again. The medical team does very official work, and stabilize her. While they stabilize an already stabilized Tierra, she hunches and shakes like baby fetus Voldemort before Peter Pettigrew dumps him into his rebirth-soup.

And as she’s being wheeled into the lobby to get to the clinic, she squeaks out “I’ll miss time with him” in baby voice and then I die. I’m dead you guys. I’m a ghost. Tierra killed me. If you can manage baby voice, you are NOT EXPERIENCING HYPOTHERMIA.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group canoes back across the lake. Catherine and Dez rush to Tierra’s side to find out the actual f**k is going on. When asked, Tierra responds, “We had to jump in that glacier.” Yes. The glacier is a thing into which one can jump and then experience hypothermia, not Lake Louise the lake everyone’s been talking about non-stop for two days.

The producers of this show continue to be my best friends by cutting together scenes of the other girls arriving back at the suite to say how wonderful and fun the plunge was while Tierra gets her hair blowdried by a producer and then she’s in a robe with someone attending her feet while she shoves a cheeseburger in her psychotic mouth.

As she coyly hooks oxygen up to her face, Sean pops in to see how Tierra’s doing. She’s nothing but bashful and attention flirting. She says, “This guy better marry me!” as a funny joke to Sean and he somehow laughs instead of running for his life out of the room. “You keep managing to get one on one time with me,” he whispers. YEAH. Yeah. That’s accurate. He tells her she needs to sit out the dinner party that night, and yeah that’s really gonna work with that one.

The women seem to think the night will be daisies from here are excited for more time with the boyfriend they all share. Lesley and Sean make out. Sarah shows him pictures of her family, and he responds like anyone being forced to look at pictures of someone else’s family: with thinly veiled boredom.

Like clockwork, we see Tierra getting ready back at the hotel. She’s not having any fun. Baby Tierra needs to have fun and constant stimuli or she gets sour and fakes a disease. “I’m crazy cuz’ I’m wearin’ heels,” there’s that, and a whole bushel basket of other reasons you should be institutionalized, Tierra. But have fun at the party! Everyone super wants you there! Hope you get the rose!

She walks into a freshly silent room full of women who were talking about her seconds before. Then Lesley calls her a “Tierrorist” and I laugh! That’s a good one, Les! I really mean it, no sarcasm!

As he and Tierra talk, what I’m most struck by is that he not only likes this woman but can more than stand the sound of her voice. The sound of her voice makes me wish I was hanging out in Hades.

But look at that. Lesley gets the rose. Tierra’s look could kill. She obviously went to the party because she thought she had an automatic rose, but guess what, NOPE.

So the party ends, and the girls get back to the hotel, but then Sean walks in because he just “doesn’t see a forever” with one girl. It’s Sarah. He pulls her out. This is not good. This poor girl. Ooh, here we go.

Sarah does not see this coming. He lets her down gently, but she is sad, sad, sad. He says he feels he’s been trying to force a connection with her, and that he didn’t feel anything in the kiss they had tonight. Rude, but also honest, but also OH MY GOSH POOR SARAH! She’s totally done with the conversation.

He lets her go back to the room to pack her things, and as soon as he walks away she breaks down. It’s a rare moment on the show when we see raw, human emotion, and it’s hard to watch. She’s so sad because she feels like this has happened to her so often before. She’s wondering what’s wrong with her that guys always tell her she’s beautiful and amazing, but don’t want to be with her. GIRLFRIEND. Let’s hangout and eat ice-cream. You are the best. I’m sorry for having to go through real shit on TV.

Now it’s time to continue in Fear Factor Bachelor for Dez’s second one-on-one date! They take a nice long hike up a mountain, then Sean drops the bomb that they’ll be repelling to their picnic below! They trot out the MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME to safety prep them for repeling. The MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME is very friendly and teaches them how not to die. Sean creates the metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

Dez manages to look adorable in her harness, and I’m pretty mad about it. No one looks cute in harness. Everyone looks terrible and bulgy in them. Except for Dez. She whimpers a lot of the way down, but Sean cheers her on with words and kisses, and they make it! Then Dez creates a metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

They eat a picnic in a meadow and kiss grossly. Then they are candidly adorable and have a tree-climbing race. They race to climb up a tree and then kiss in the tree and it’s precious. Then they wreck it by shouting “Hello, Canada!” and man do these people love to shout about where they are.

Deep in the dark woods, the lovers happen upon a romantic teepee. Yes, that’s correct, a teepee. It’s pretty cute and probably offensive. They have a lovely conversation about how her childhood was tough because her family didn’t always have a home. She is a jewel of human. He gives her the rose for being the best.

Thank God we’re finally at the cocktail party. We’re almost there. Tierra is wearing a giant faux fur scarf over a flowy white dress. It’s weird. Selma decides she’s going to go against the wishes of her traditional and conservative family and kiss Sean. She sets it up very strange and leans in for a cold, fish-lipped, kiss that one might bestow upon an elderly aunt who insists you kiss her on the lips.

Sean and Lindsay make out a little.

Then AshLee decides to take control of giving up her control. Sean said he felt like she was struggling with trying to control everything, so she decides he will blindfold her and lead her around to symbolize her relinquishing control. This woman cries a lot. She has ghosts from her past, sure, but hold it together a little woman! It appears to all be worth it because he leads her to a bench and then kisses her face. It’s a little romantic, but it’s hard to get into a guy kissing a blindfolded girl.

In a real nail-biter of a rose ceremony, Sean sends home Daniella and Selma. Boy, I really hope Selma doesn’t regret compromising her morals for a bad kiss with a guy who wasn’t really even feeling her all that much. Also, good-bye sweet Daniella. You are as beautiful as you are dumb, may the publicity of this show bring you far in your broadcasting career.

Ok, kids. I’ve got a piece of strawberry cheesecake in the fridge with my name literally on it. I’m gonna eat that real quick, and dive right into the next recap! See you soon! XOXO