Bachelor Finale Recap - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. Here we are. We are here. We have made it. Mere minutes stand between us and knowing who Sean picks to be his wife.

I hope you all at home had your game rules handy because man are we going to need to imbibe to get through this one. We've got family; we've got elephants; we've got tiny river barges; we've got laughter; we've got tears; we've got too much of Sean's tongue; we've got dramaaaaa!

Who's ready? I am!

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the live studio where alongside an audience, we’ll all be tuning into the finale together. He calls it “a historic three-hour finale”, and would we classify this event as historic?

Like a little Teasey McTeaserson Chrarrison informs us that he has late breaking Bachelor news about Sean and his “quest for love that very well could provide one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history.” WHAT IS IT, CHRARRISON?! WHAT COULD IT BE!? IS IT A BABY? DID THEY ELOPE? ARE HE AND EMILY BACK TOGETHER? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE?

With no further adieu, we jump right into the heart of Thailand and Sean’s quest for everlasting love. Just like Montana, Canada, St. Croix, other places in Thailand, and anywhere he went on Emily’s season, THIS part of Thailand is the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen. Sean has now seen a lot of places, each more superlative than the last most beautiful place he has ever seen.

His family arrives. I forgot that his adorable niece is named Kensington which means she’s going to be horrible when she’s about thirteen. The rest of his very, very, very, very white family arrives. Most importantly his cartoonishly precious dad is there in his glasses and tucked-in polo shirt.

His nephew Smith astutely points out to Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” And Sean goes, “No, Emily didn’t pick me. That’s hilarious.” And in that moment Smith learned about “too soon.”

HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A MAJOR BEEF CAKE. Who is this guy?! Show him more! He looks like a sexy Jason Street from Friday Night Lights.

Sean’s mother is skeptical like any reasonable, rational, grounded-in-reality type of mother would be.

Catherine arrives in one of Thailand’s signature monsoons. She, like a reasonable, rational person is nervous to meet her potential future in-laws. Sean’s dad Jay jumps right into some light questions. Jay asks if Catherine played any sports in high school. Jay is so precocious that he is allowed to ask inane and bizarre questions like that. He adores Catherine’s answer that she played football in sixth grade and is besotted with her.

It has got to be six million degrees and 1000% humidity in Thailand, and they are eating on the lanai. Everybody is visibly sweating.

In her sit-down talk with his mother, she is very calm, cool, and collected. It seems like an actual piece of a normal conversation one might have with a future mother-in-law. Catherine talks about Sean like he’s a real person she’s in love with, and not a prince charming who is flawless and full of perfection. I like her so much. His mom wraps it up by calling her a “lovely lady.”

Now it’s time for the Jay Lowe Show! On a gazebo on a pond, Jay has a talk with Catherine about how she believes in the “Bachelor Process” (drink!). Jay smiles and nods along like an enthusiastic baby bird. “I know that we are going to have hardships, but you fight for [love]. And I’m a fighter,” she tells him.

Then he replies with this: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend, and I love him. Ok? And so if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I’ll love you like my daughter, and there’s gonna be no holding that back. I’m gonna support you.”

Catherine and I tear up. Those are some lovely, lovely words. A father’s love, man! A father’s love! We all know how challenging her relationship with her father is! What better words could he have said? None! There were none better words than those! Jay Lowe, I love you. You deserve your own show.

You guys if I had known how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be this episode, I would have included it in the game rules. But I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipated just how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be.

Lindsay’s chariot pulls up next, and she squeaks out of the van and into the living room of Sean’s waiting family. Linds is OMG so nervous. They talk about feeding monkeys on the beach again just to enrage me. “Oh my God,” Lindsay squeals, “That was like the coolest thing ever.” Everyone has some good giggles.

Jay and Shay (oh no I just noticed that- why rhyming names?) bring up Lindsay’s grand entrance in her wedding dress after too much champagne. Everyone laughs but still gets to gently rib her.

Lindsay sits down first with Jay to have their talk. When he asks the same question he asked Catherine “how do you know when you’re in love for life before you get married?” Lindsay’s response is…lacking, shall we say. She is practically yelling, “I just know! I want to hang out with him! I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life! He just gets me! He is so supportive! He makes me feel beautiful! He’s everything that I’ve been looking for and more!” As true as all of those statements might be, they are just statements. They are just a bunch of true facts about how much Lindsey likes Sean that have nothing to do with being sure about the longevity of the love you share.

Jay tries to get things back on track by asking about how to solve conflicts in marriage, and Lindsay gives a fine, Miss America type answer about compromise and meeting in the middle. He also tells her that they prayed every day of Sean’s life for Sean’s wife, and he says that he’d be happy if his wife turns out to be Lindsey. This is still sweet, but not quite as amazing as what he told Catherine.

She wraps up the talk by asking for Sean’s hand in marriage and BOY do they have a good chuckle over that joke! HOOwee that was a doozy!

Now it’s mom’s turn. They talk about standard things like wanting the same things out of life and being able to talk to each other about everything. Lindsey tears up and gets emotional because she can’t believe this “journey” (drink!) lead her to this place.

They all bid her farewell after Jay makes a joke about them putting the two women to a vote. It’s awkward. Jay is also wearing a neon pink t-shirt under his blue linen button-up.

Sean talks it out with the family. Obviously they are very diplomatic about loving both women and saying the nicest things about both Catherine and Lindsey.

Sean’s smoking’ hot brother-in-law struggles to form a sentence but he’s so hot. He manages to laugh out, “You’ve. Got. Forty-eight hours for a tough. Decision. My friend.” Good for you Andrew.

His mommy finally gets her chance to speak her piece about how nervous and worried she is about Sean proposing to one of these women simply out of pressure, and not out of absolute clarity about who he wants to marry. She is skeptical and firm like a mother. Eventually, she begins to cry. All of the sudden it’s a weird, raw moment. Whenever real emotions are captured on this show, I feel uncomfortable like I shouldn’t be watching it. Sean and his mom take a walk around the pond to get the camera out of her face. “I just want this to end as a good experience for you…you know it doesn’t have to be either one of them. If you can’t decide, maybe that’s your decision.” Wise words.

Baaahahaha for his final date with Lindsay, Sean dons the ugliest turquoise tank top that is way too low-cut for a man. I know it’s boiling degrees outside, but no climate necessitates a tank-top like that. Lindsey’s hair is holding up in that humidity super well though.

They take a raft down the Mekong River that borders both Myanmar and Thailand. “I am so excited to be on this raft with Sean,” Lindsay beams. What a thing to be excited about. All I can think the whole time is how uncomfortable the men paddling and steering the raft must feel watching these two cuddle bugs.

Later on, they talk about their lives a long ways down the road. In an inspired romantic moment Sean declares, “I picture you as a hot old chick.” My heart melts at this declaration.

“After tomorrow there’s only two options for me. I could leave with everything I’ve ever wanted and more, or I could leave with absolutely nothing,” Lindsey tells us before the final dinner portion of their date. That is true. Those are your options. I’m glad you’re realizing that this is a high stakes situation.

They kiss and smack a lot. They tell each other why they like/love each other. Then she busts out a few paper lanterns with wishes like “family” and “happiness” written on them. They light the lanterns and set them off into the sky to eventually start a jungle fire. Just kidding, your wishes will all come true, little angels!

From the pile of infinite v-neck t-shirts wardrobe has provided, Sean selects a purple tee to perfectly match the cute purple top Catherine wears to their final date. They are going to take an elephant ride. This is the coolest thing imaginable and about ten bazillion times cooler than a raft ride on the Mekong River. It is an ELEPHANT for Pete’s sake! Catherine understands how exciting this is. She is a giddy little girl to be going on an elephant ride and rightly so. It’s an ELEPHANT.

They both put on some friggin’ sweet elephant riding pants and climb on board. Catherine gets to direct Bo the elephant, and it is amazing. Sean can’t believe he’s doing another thing he’s only seen in the movies. The movie to which he is obviously referring is the timeless Danny Glover vehicle, “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Catherine and Sean talk about how fun thinking about their future is but how scary it is too. She wants to imagine the future of engagement parties and joy filled days but doesn’t want to get her hopes up only to be let down. She has a vein of reality flowing through this experience and her emotions.

Because this is the last night they will spend together before the “historic” (LOL) finale, Catherine feels the pressure of the situation to really lay her heart out on the line. She wants to make sure she tells Sean absolutely everything she’s feeling towards him so that she won’t look back and regret for not being open enough.

So to that end, Catherine tells him many things about how much she loves him and how they want the same things like family and a future where things will only get better.

“I just feel, so, a lot,” she says.

“I picture our lives together a lot. I know who you are, and that’s why you’re here,” he responds.

Which are fully fledged sentences and thoughts that two sentient beings can have, right? Totally.

As the two say good-bye for what might be the final time, we silently watch them cling to each other. Catherine tells him she loves him. He puts his big old mitt right on her butt.

She knows he can’t say anything back but is tortured by the fact that she is so far out on a limb! After they walk away the first time, Catherine runs back to say good-bye one more time and sheds a few tears.

“I can’t get anything out of him! Just say something, please!” she begs to the gods. More tears fall as she curls up on her bed in a ball. “I can’t predict what’s gonna happen, and I don’t want to be by myself again.” Again, seeing her crying in the fetal position because she truly doesn’t know if the man she loves loves her back is a rare real moment in the show which makes me uncomfortable.

We pop back in with Chrarrison and the studio audience to check how we are all feeling. We are feeling like we want to just see the rest of the episode, Chris! But fine! Make us talk to these to random audience members who aren’t even funny or wise!

When asked who he will pick Lady in Mint Green says, “My gut says Lindsey, but it could be Catherine!” Which is true! He could pick either Lindsey OR Catherine. Very good point. Lady in Leopard Print says, “It could go either way!” Wow! What a worthwhile assessment from two random female humans!

The final shirtless-shots of Sean stream towards us as Sean gets ready for his final day as the Bachelor. He feels that he could have successful relationships with either woman, but says, “I just woke up this morning and knew there was a woman I couldn’t stand to live without.” So his mind is made up.

“Hey Neil Lane!” Sean casually exclaims when he opens his villa door to find the famed and leather-skinned jeweler at his threshold. He picks out my favorite ring of the ones Neil has brought to Thailand. It’s a treasure.

Lindsey is wearing what could be a beautiful silver halter dress. It’s very, very shiny but does not very much flatter her small chest. Catherine is wearing a column of gold fabric that’s draped across one shoulder. It flatters her figure a bit more, but I’m not wild about either dress.

Lindsey cries because she’s overwhelmed by how perfect this all is and can’t wait to start their lives together. Catherine cries because she knows she loves Sean so much but isn’t sure what the outcome will be. And that, right there, is why I like Catherine better than Lindsey.

Chrarrison makes us talk to Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie (?????) before we get to the good stuff. They have nothing important whatsoever to share.

AWWW, YEAH! It’s time! The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sean walks out to stand on the alter to love they have built upon a sweet a** rice paddy, just like every girl’s dream. Sean is dreading breaking a woman’s heart with no real reason to give. He is already very emotional.

Lindsey walks out of the SUV. “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged,” she tells us. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Look, I might not be her biggest fan, but I do not wish this heartbreak and humiliation on her! I’m also super surprised that I’ve been wrong two seasons in a row.

Sean starts off by telling her she looks beautiful. Then he launches into a speech about how he never saw their relationship coming and how every time he’s with her he’s amazed by her. Lindsey gets tears in her eyes because SHE THINKS SHE’S GETTING ENGAGED. She thinks this is it! It’s not! The “but” is coming! The “but” will come.

The “but” comes. “Lindsey this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he heavily breathes, “I want so bad to give you my heart, but my heart’s leading me somewhere else.” Watching her face fall as she realizes it isn’t her is really cool. NOT. She lets go of his hands right away.

Remember when they asked Michael Scott on the Office if he’d ever gone hunting? And he responds that he shot a deer in the leg then had to kill it with a shovel? This is exactly like that. Sean won’t shut up. He keeps trying to give her reasons and talk more and more instead of just letting her go.

“Was it me?” she squeaks out. No! It wasn’t you, you beautiful creature! He assures her it wasn’t.

“So, I’m gonna go. ‘Cuz this is my nightmare…I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.”

Then she takes off her stilettos, and walks away. I have never respected her more. I literally give her a round of applause to the TV. But oh no no! Sean can’t effing let it go! He has to let her know one more time how hard this is for HIM. He is crying (which is fair) but it is NOT her job to make him feel better about shattering her world!

Sean sad. Lindsey sad. Everybody sad.

Chrarrison walks up to Sean to console him for a half-second before handing him the infamous letter! The dramatic music starts just as we cut to the studio audience! They are stunned and crazed to find out what in the name of helicopter rides is in that letter!

We come back from the break to find Sean pouring over this letter. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to read printed text, so we get a voice-over of the contents of the letter.

Guess what guys. Guess what the letter is. It’s just a beautiful letter from Catherine to Sean telling him how she knows she loves him. She knows they can grow old together. It’s so lovely. It’s not overly romantic or wordy. Catherine just says “You have my heart, always” and isn’t that all any of us is looking for? Oh, no. The part of the show where I believe in true love is happening.

The walk from the car to the Rice Paddy of Love is agonizing because somehow wardrobe and production design didn’t discuss that there would be a rickety old plank bridge and a long gravel path in the middle of a jungle to cross in stilettos.

As Sean starts telling Catherine that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her how beautiful and special she is, Catherine gets a touch of the crazy eyes. I think she’s trying not to cry but she is staring and blinking at him like a bushbaby.

When he goes to get down on one knee she practically seizes. When he asks the final question she replies in a whisper, “Yes! Huhhh!”. She is peeing her pants. I love this about that little weirdo.

They are ecstatic together. She feels so lucky. He feels so lucky. It’s the best day of both of their lives! They get to ride off into the sunset on ANOTHER ELEPHANT. IT’S ANOTHER ELEPHANT YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

“How cool is this? A proposal on a rice farm!” she coos as they ride off. Yeah, girl, pretty cool.

I will not be recapping the “After the Final Rose” special because it mostly is a recap itself, but I will share some highlights.

Number one is that they trot Lindsey out for a little heart to heart on live television where she keeps asking why and what she did wrong. It is painful and raw, and I hate every minute of it.

They trot Catherine out and they are adorable. She is shy because it’s live television, but it’s obvious they are still very much in love.

Finally, the big announcement that Chris Harrison kept referring to like it was the smoke rising from the Papal chimney, is that Sean and Catherine would like to get married on ABC to share with the whole Bachelor nation! And soon! How nice and frugal of them. And also that is not exactly life altering news, CHRARRISON. I care, but like, not that much.

In just two short months I’ll see you all right back here on Wednesday’s for recaps of the next season of the Bachelorette starring Desiree! I’m so excited and not surprised but still so excited to watch that girl find love! Keep straight on the journey till then, y’all. That’s all she wrote.

PS – THERE WAS NO FINALE MONTAGE SET TO THE SEMINAL HIT “GLORY OF LOVE” BY THE ONE AND ONLY PETER CETERA. I’M ENRAGED. HERE’S A LINK TO THE VIDEO SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SONG AND JUST IMAGINE WHAT THE PRODUCERS FAILED TO DELIVER.