Beautifulburnout - Blog Posts

Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.

Emery Allen (via wnq-writers)

@beautifulburnout

high school jaxathan && adventure time verse jaxathan 

aka i’m procrastinating homework. 

@beautifulburnout // maker tool

✉ |:

To: Jonathan Daniel Winchesterc/o Charlotte Sawyer. 

[ separately enclosed ] : 

Auntie— If I don’t come home, can you make sure this letter gets to Jonny? I’m not sure where he lives now, but I’m sure you could find him on facebook or something. Thank you. I love you. 

Dear Jonny. 

I know this is too many years too late, and this definitely is the worst way to find out about… all of this. So I’m sorry for this, first of all. Anyways… 

If you’re reading this letter (fuck, how cliche) … I didn’t come home from my deployment. And not like, I ran away to France kind of didn’t come home. Like, never coming home. I don’t know if you even know I joined the Marines after I stopped fighting. But I did. Off to serve my country. So, if you’re reading this, I died for my country. 

And now, writing this, days before my first tour, I know that it’s a real possibility. So I’m putting certain things in place. My will, letters to the girls, and my mama, and auntie. Stuff like that. And a letter to you. Because I’ve been selfish and stupid enough with you in my life. I can’t be selfish and stupid in my death too. If I die before I ever get to see you again and tell you this shit in person, I want you to know some things. 

I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so fucking sorry. I was such a fucking asshole back then. I was possessive, and jealous, and over-protective. And I pushed you away. I made things miserable between us, because I couldn’t fucking handle my shit, and my feelings. It’s been two years, and I swear to god I think about you and us at least once a day. There’s always something that reminds me of you, or reminds me of how stupid I’ve been. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger, or more rational, or more patient, or more kind. I’m sorry I wasn’t better. I need you to know that what happened between us is the biggest regret of my life. Hurting you is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And at the point that you’re reading this, I’ve probably killed at least one person. I’d still regret hurting you and losing you more. 

The truth is that… I love you. Not just “I love you, man” kind of love. I’m in love with you. Yeah, present tense. I have been for so fucking long. I think I first realized how I felt about you…. 6 months after we met. I think even during that time I was in denial, because I didn’t know how to reconcile the fact that you were a guy. But it didn’t matter. I was confused, and I didn’t understand… But I understood that you smiling at me was the best thing I’ve ever fucking felt. And I understood that if I smiled, you’d smile back. You always joked that I only ever smiled with you… That’s why. I didn’t care about smiling at anyone else, because it didn’t feel like it did with you. God, how gay is that? haha. Guess I shouldn’t be confused about that anymore, huh? 

You were my best friend, Jonny. You were the only person I ever wanted to spend time with, and I only ever wanted you to spend time with me. You going away to college was so fucking hard, because I knew it meant that I’d missed my chance. Whatever slim chance I ever could have had. But you were going away, and you hadn’t even been there two weeks, and you were already telling me about this new guy you were dating. And fuck… Being jealous was bad enough, but then you were telling me that he was taking you to parties and introducing you to that… bullshit. And then i was angry, and protective, and scared for you. All of that, plus being so hopelessly fucking in love with you, and so god damn lonely… I didn’t know how to handle all those fucking feelings. So I was just a dick. I was mean to you because all my frustration just turned into aggression, i guess… Then you were upset and hurt, and you didn’t understand, and I just got more angry and frustrated at myself. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t better.

I remember that night. When we were so fucking crossfaded, and at that stupid party, and you kissed me. Oh my god. You laughed when you kissed me, and I’m pretty sure I almost passed out. You sitting on my lap was nothing new, but I can remember the way you felt that night so clearly. And the way my heart pounded so hard the whole time. And everything that happened after that… I remember. I should have said something, but… I just thought, you were drunk, and you wanted affection. And I was always there to give that to you. Why would this be any different? Plus, i was so drunk, and after kissing you, I couldn’t figure out how to ask you to stay. I thought you were gonna come back. I woke up in the middle of the night, after I passed out, and I was so heartbroken, because you weren’t there. You’d left. And I didn’t understand why. You never leave. I figured that meant you regretted what happened. And I was so scared to have that confirmed, so I never brought it up. And I figured if you wanted it to happen again, you would have said something. Because… you’re you. And you’re not afraid to ask for what you want. But you didn’t ask for me again, and that was my answer. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe that was my biggest mistake. But sometimes I still dream about the way your lips tasted that night. 

Anyways… this is sappy enough. And I realize that this might just make everything worse, especially now that I’m dead. So, I’m sorry. If this makes it worse. But I just couldn’t die without making sure you knew all this stuff. 

I love you, Jay. I’ve loved you, so much, for so long. Don’t let piece of shit guys fuck with you. You’re a god damn masterpiece, kid. And I know you’re gonna put so much beauty in this world. I’m sad I’ll never get to see it. Please, take care of yourself. And find happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I have ever met in this stupid life. 

Give ‘em hell, pretty boy. 

- Jaxon Benjamin Sawyer. (aka jaxy)

beautifulburnout:

“He’s my little shadow,” Jonny agreed despite the stiffness of Jaxon’s words. He could still feel the tension and it felt like things were starting to bubble over. Maybe it was just that it was so obvious to him that Jaxon wasn’t comfortable around him. The first time he understood, and even when he got mugged things were a little weird but it just seemed like a continuing trend and it honestly made him worry. This was why he felt like he was forcing his company on Jaxon and why he offered him an out. He very much expected him to take it but when he brought up hanging out Jonny actually turned to look at him. He studied Jaxon’s features as he considered the offer. Was it just him being kind? But Jonny supposed if he didn’t want to hang out he would have taken the out. He was just surprised at the offer and it took him a moment to respond. “Peach vodka, huh?” He tucked his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels as if he was really considering things. But he smiled and gave a nod. “Yeah, I’m game. I wanna see how awful this vodka really is,” he chuckled and turned to look at the dogs once more. “Besides, imagine how sad they’d be if we cut their playtime short.”

jaxon could see the mix of surprise on jonny's face after his offer. he knew it meant that his behaviors, and the way he's been acting toward jonny hadn't been great. there was a twinge of guilt at the realization, but a feeling of helplessness along with it. how could he act towards jonny like they used to? after all this time? after all that pain? he tried not to think too hard about It at the moment. instead he just smiled at jonny, somewhat pleased at his acceptance. maybe this was when they should finally, actually, really talk. late at night, just the two of them, over a couple drinks... maybe it wouldn't be so bad. jaxon forced himself to not think too deeply about it, and to stay in the moment. to enjoy this moment. without ruining it by wondering, what if, what next, what now?  " yeah. peach vodka. ugh. a marine buddy gave it to me for my birthday. 'cause he thinks he's funny, " jax scoffed, shaking his head. " yeah. alright. cool. um... do ya just wanna follow me in my truck? "

beautifulburnout:

“The perks of not being a giant.” While the puppies played Jonny was tempted to just flop down in the grass and enjoy the conversation. But he had a feeling that Jaxon wouldn’t stick around long enough for that. It seemed like he was unwilling to get past the tension between them. Or was it that he didn’t want to? He supposed this was the complication of not talking for 10 years. At this point they had spent more time apart than together. Things couldn’t be the same again. The realization of that made Jonny ache. He knew Jaxon could read him like a book so Jonny turned, using the dogs as an excuse to not clue him in on how he was feeling. “Yeah well, Tanis falls on his face half the time he plays so they’ll have to take it slow eventually,” he chuckled and as if to prove his point his pup took a face dive but he was back on his feet in no time. Jonny rocked on his heels and glanced back when Jaxon responded about his knee. “Do more yoga and it’ll feel better,” he advised even though he knew there was something going through his mind beyond that. Jonny chewed the inside of his lip but he couldn’t keep silent on this forever. It just wasn’t his style. “So besides the knee what’s going on? If you really want to be alone I can take off,” he offered gently. He wouldn’t force his company on Jax and he was starting to feel like that was exactly what he was doing.

" he seems like a sweet dog. i bet he adores you, " jax offered, a little stiffly. and he hated it. this weird limbo wasn't ideal. and jaxon knew they'd have to talk about it, explicitly, eventually. because they'd either move past it and become friends again, or it would stall in this tension, neither of them making a step forward or step back. Maybe he should just make the decision to step away from whatever this was or was going to be. but that decision was too hard to make, especially after the realization that even ten years wasn't quite enough to quell the way he felt about jonny, or the connection between them. but could those two things coexist? could he survive that again? that was the unclear part of it.  " what? no. i mean... " he paused and furrowed his brow at jonny's offer. his tone was gentle, but he was blunt in a way that hadn't yet been with each other.  " i gotta get th' pups home soon. we've been out here a while... and, uh. well, i gotta make sure jamie doesn't get too worn out, and ginger doesn't get too worked up. " he shrugged and watched the dogs for a second, before glancing over at jonny.  " listen, uh... with you gettin' mugged and everything. we haven't really had a chance to hang out or, anything... i'm probably not going to bed any time soon, and i got this... awful bottle of peach vodka as a joke. the dogs can play in the backyard... if you wanna come over for a bit...? " he rubbed the back of his neck as he finally managed to get a clear question out. not that it should have been so difficult.

beautifulburnout:

“Pft, I can still run circles around you. I bet Tanis could too. Even with only 3 legs.” Jonny winked in response and there was no way he could suppress the smile on his lips. In moments like this he felt like he had his friend back. They were fleeting, because Jonny knew there was no way in hell things were okay between them, but it still felt good in those brief moments. He wondered if Jaxon felt the same way about all of this, or if he was just doing this for him. He wouldn’t put it past Jaxon to try and make him feel good. He was always putting other people first. “Jamie and Tanis have that in common then. He’s constantly excited,” he laughed and looked over at Jaxon just in time to see him stand back up. He didn’t want to think too much into things like that but Jonny was empathetic and Jaxon was one person who’s emotions he was always sensitive to. (Even if he did miss obvious things between them in youth). After a few pats to Tanis Jonny stood and shooed him off so he could play. “You okay?” The artist nodded at Jaxon’s knee, true concern written on his features even if that wasn’t what he thought was bothering him.

" yeah, that's probably true. bein' big doesn't really lend well t' bein' fast, " he chuckled lowly, the sound deep and rumbling in his chest. every now and then, there were these hints of the past. the ease and connection between them fighting to flicker back to steady life. it was a magnetism jaxon knew he couldn't deny. it went beyond even beyond his romantic feelings for jonny. they just... clicked. but the heartache made him shy away from whatever chemistry they still had. feeling hurt like that, again, after all this time... it wasn't an option. but he could enjoy the nostalgia a little longer, right?  " Jamie is... a lot. but he's still small and gettin' his strength up. so I can't let him play too hard for too long, " he explained, keeping an eye on the dogs and whistling when they started going too far. he smiled as tanis met up with them. Jamie was perfectly happy to incorporate tanis into their play, while ginger was a little more wary, following after him to sniff and check him out.  " huh? oh, yeah. just squatting for too long kinda hurts, " he shrugged, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jacket and pulling it a little tighter.

beautifulburnout:

Watching Jaxon and Tanis warmed Jonny’s heart. Sure, he expected to be alone when he came out here, but he wasn’t complaining. Jonny had a lot of mixed emotions and feelings about Jaxon right now but he still enjoyed talking to him and spending time with him. And let’s face it, even if he expected to be alone, Jonny much preferred having company. “We’ll just have to leave then. Since you had first dibs,” he teased back and nodded at Jaxon’s explanation. “Restless too. Both of us,” he gave a little shrug with a half smile. He knew Jaxon would understand. Jonny being stuck inside for days was usually not the best mix. “Are they okay with other dogs?” Jonny nodded towards Jaxon’s pups. “Tanis loves to play but he also thinks he’s as big as a Wolfhound,” he chuckled and crouched down to join in on the belly scratching.

" yeah, you better. 'fore I chase you off myself, " he joked, going only with jonny's teasing. but the gentle curve of his lips and the levity in his gaze rendered the words absolutely benign. there was something about it just being the two of them, so late at night, so off the beaten path... that felt too familiar to deny. he couldn't count how many times had they snuck off in the middle of the night, out to the lake, or the river, or the Yankees stadium parking lot, just to chill. and Jaxon's own internal environment disarmed him some. too tired from fighting his own shit so much, jaxon just didn't have the energy to fight against his emotions with jonny.  " yeah, they're good. Jamie gets pretty excited. but he's still kinda small. ginger is a lot more mellow. and she's a totally mama, " he replied. but as soon as jonny came close, jaxon tension crept back in. he hated that the instinct was the reach out and touch jonny's hand, and he hated even more that he so immediately recoiled from it. jaxon stood, pretending to stretch out his knee.

beautifulburnout:

It was odd that they kept running into each other randomly like this. But it didn’t bother Jonny. Even if he had mixed emotions about things between them he was still happy to see Jaxon. Jonny was admittedly more worried than he let on and he’d wanted to see Jax. Fate was on his side he supposed. “Yeah we gotta stop randomly running into each other like this.” As soon as he heard his name Tanis rolled onto his back and started wiggling for a belly rub. He loved attention a little too much. But a lot of people said that pets were a reflection of their owners. “Yeah that’s him,” Jonny shook his head at the goofy animal but smiled nonetheless. “And here I thought I’d have the park all to myself. Late night?”

The dark part of him wanted to be alone. he wanted to be left to stew in his own bullshit, and wallow in the crap he refused to deal with. but there was a lighter prick of hope at jonny's appearance that reminded him he's not alone. it was nice in a way he wasn't quite ready to admit. " hey, I was here first, " jax joked in response, leaning down on one knee to scratch at Tanis' belly.  " it's on you this time. " he smiled gently up at jonny before turning his attention back to tanis. the puppy was cute, and resilient, and seemed almost completely unaware of the fact that he was handicapped. jax admired that.  " night off. the dogs were restless and I didn't feel like just hangin' out at home. how 'bout you? "

beautifulburnout:

The clean scent that Vegas had wouldn’t last for long. The rain seemed to refresh the city and it was soothing to him. 2am was a little late for him to be out but Jaxon wasn’t the only one who was having trouble sleeping. He’d always been prone to insomnia but he figured this was just cabin fever. He wasn’t alone and when he headed for the door Tanis was right on his heels. Jonny hadn’t even bothered with a leash this late, no one would be in a park this far off the strip. Or so he thought. The jingle of collars caught his attention but Tanis shot off like a bolt after some toy that was flung their direction. Jonny went to run after his dog but a familiar voice had him stopping in his tracks. He squinted into the darkness and glanced at Tanis. Now that he knew it was Jamie and Ginger he was less worried but he still kept an eye on his pup. “Don’t you know there’s a leash law?” He called out with a smile in his voice. He let out a shrill whistle and Tanis slowly trotted towards him with his tongue lulling out. He was still worried for his little 3 legged dog verses excited pitties.

The voice was like a sense memory. One that made his heart thud and his tension ease back. But he shined his flashlight as the man's chest just in case. Huh. Imagine that. He wasn't anxious at the stranger anymore... but that was replaced by a complicated feeling he was still having trouble sorting out. "I gotta break the law somehow. Or my teenage self would be deeply disappointed in me," he replied with a gentle smile as jonny came closer. Jaxon pups had forgotten the game of fetch over wrestling with each other. He walked over to meet Jonny, to be able to see him without a flashlight. "Of all th' gin joints, huh?" he said as they got closer, and as Tanis came over. "Well hey, little baby. Tanis, right?" Jax asked, glancing up at Jonny as he crouched down to greet and pet the auburn puppy.

All the honesty memes!

♥ - Something they like about your muse.

how kind and soft jonny is. jaxon really appreciates how much jonny cares. and how unabashed he is about it. it makes jaxon feel better about caring too much sometimes, and like that it reminds him that it’s a good thing. 

❦ - Something they hate about your muse.

jonny’s self-destructive tendencies. a small part of him, that he wouldn’t ever admit to outloud, blames jonny’s bad habits for the ending of their friendship. jaxon hates that jonny was so stubborn about wanting to get involved with shit jaxon knew was bad for him. 

✎ - A reason they’re jealous of your muse.

he likes how much jonny laughs, smiles, and jokes around. being serious or grumpy around jonny never lasts long, and jaxon is jealous how easy it is for jonny to find the good things, and enjoy the moment. so often jaxon gets caught up in his own negativity and his own bullshit. to jaxon, it seems like jonny doesn’t struggle with that quite so much. 

♪ - A secret they’re keeping from your muse.

uh, i mean… a lot. but the big one is his feelings for jonny. even after ten years, jaxon’s romantic feelings for jonny haven’t diminished. oh, and also how bad his ptsd really is. a lot of his behaviors are by-products of that, but jaxon has a really hard time admitting that. and doesn’t want to worry jonny. 

♤ - What they thought about your muse when first meeting.

“ how is someone so clumsy using a skateboard as their main form of transportation? i bet he falls like… a lot. ” (lmfao hes a dick) 

it wasn't an unusual night, not by far. as much as he tried to sleep normally on his days off, it just didn't work. and most times, he didn't want it to work. it was just... easier to sleep during the day. and the dogs hadn't been taken out in a while. sure, they had the backyard, but that wasn't the same as the park. and the world seemed scrubbed clean after the storm. other than feeling achingly alone, slightly broken, and on edge from a nightmare, it was kind of a nice night... 

he cocked his arm back and threw the ball across the wide, open lawn. his flashlight shined across the field, crossing briefly across a figure that surprised him. his heartrate leapt, and the appearance of another person only made him feel more on edge. some of that was eased as another dog ran after the ball and his own pups.  " hello? " he called out lamely, not wanting to ignore the other unknown person in the park at 2am.

@beautifulburnout

✉ OBVIOUSLY

Jaxon, It’s been a long time since I wrote a real letter and it’s funny when I actually sit down to do this I know that I’m not going to send it. I think this is more for me to figure my own shit out but it helps thinking of it like I’m talking to you. Talking to you always helped. Kinda sucks that I can’t do that now.It was crazy running into you after all these years. Not as crazy as it was for you, though. Honestly when you saw me I thought you might throw up. And you really wonder why I’d think you hate me? Yeah it wasn’t just all the shit that happened, Jax. It’s the shit that’s going on now too. 10 years and somehow it feels like shit has gotten more complicated. Isn’t stepping away from the situation supposed to make it easier? I dunno. Doesn’t seem like time did us any favors, huh?I wish that I could talk to you. I don’t mean just like, text you. I mean really talk to you. Remember when we were kids and we’d tell each other everything? Seems a lot harder now. I wonder if that’s because we got older or if it’s because of what happened. I know you don’t totally blame me for that. I get it. We both made mistakes but fuck, Jax. It still feels like I’m trying to figure out what really went wrong. I know that I had my head up my ass back then but I’m still lost. And my best friend isn’t helping either. Asking me if I wanted to suck your dick only made things soooo much more complicated in my head. Mostly because I know that I was lying to myself when I said no. Do you remember that time we made out? We were really drunk. We never talked about it but…I thought about it. More than once. I figured you thought it was a mistake and I didn’t want you to have to deal with that. Or I didn’t want to have to deal with losing you if things got complicated. Well, shit couldn’t get more complicated could it?And this letter isn’t clearing anything up for me. Not besides knowing that I do want you. And now I have to wonder exactly what makes shit so awkward between us now. Is it our past….or is it the question of what lies ahead? Ha god. I feel like I’m in high school all over again. We really…really just gotta talk. I just hope you don’t hate me after we do. -Jay

Because you look after me and kiss me till I bleed I don't want anything, but all of you I know I swore, I said I'll never love again But—man, oh, man—you're my best friend

then & now // jaxathan aesthetic

@beautifulburnout​ & @theprodigalsoldier

jax ✉✉✉ jonny

jonny: thrill seeking isn't death seeking lol

jonny: hahaha that was fun though. i miss that fucking lake

jaxon: depends on who you ask

jaxon: yeah me too. there's a pretty great one out here. up in the mountains. pretty good fishing.

jax ✉✉✉ jonny

jonny: no hahah. I don't really like the idea of getting struck by lightening.

jonny: believe it or not I do have some sense lol

jaxon: hey i dont know. you're pretty wild. thrill seeker haha.

jaxon: man, i haven't been this wet since the time we went swimming at the lake in the rain.

jax ✉✉✉ jonny

jaxon: you're home and safe, yeah? not wandering around in the storm like i found tate.

beautifulburnout:

When the door closed with a soft thud Jonny slummed down in the seat a little. Now that he wasn’t sitting on the side of the road he let himself relax. At least some. He knew he was safe with Jaxon. That was something that never changed. The extra moment it took Jaxon to get the blanket was used to collect himself as much as he could. He took a couple deep breaths to calm his pounding heart and ease his nerves. He was thankful he could do this and even if there was tension between them he was contented here in the passenger seat. Especially when Jaxon laid the blanket in his lap. The warmth Jonny felt wasn’t from the blanket he covered up in but rather in knowing that in the face of all the years apart, Jaxon still knew him. And knew how to care for him.  The feeling of a finger against his wound made him hiss in surprise. It wasn’t incredibly deep but it stung and he wasn’t exactly prepared for that. In fact, he’d forgotten about it until that moment. His hand shot up to cover his arm as he flinched away. “Yes, please stick your finger in my open wound.” His tone was sarcastic but that was only trademark hurt or upset Jonny. Both in this case. He looked out the window as the pulled away, watching the lines on the road flicker as they passed. Jonny was quiet for a long moment before he finally spoke up. “I got mugged.” He didn’t go into anymore detail than that. He didn’t really feel like reliving it. But he didn’t want Jaxon to over worry more than he was already sure he was. “He pulled a knife on me.” He didn’t tell Jaxon how the knife had been at his throat, or how he knocked it away with his arm causing the slice. He didn’t tell him about how he was shoved against the wall after that and the mugger had overpowered him because he hit his head. Instead he swallowed and fiddled with the rip in his jacket. Anything for a distraction.

he felt better knowing that jonny was in a safe place with him— that he was warm and comfortable and protected. so many times over the past 10 years he found himself worried about jonny, wondering where he was, if he was okay, if he was happy. all that time, jaxon knew jonny must have found some trouble, some pain, some problems. it was a weird twist of guilt he felt about not being there to protect him. but all those years ago, all the stupid shit he'd done and said and caused... it was too much, and it had been so much time. now they were here, and even if jaxon couldn't figure out his feelings, or figure out his role in jonny's life, he could help, and watch out for jonny the best he could.

jaxon tsk'd at him and gave him a scolding little look. “ take it easy. it wasn't in your wound, ” jaxon replied, though his voice was still gentle and soft. that weak, biting tone was nothing unfamiliar to him. jonny was still jonny, even after all this time. jonny's response confirmed his assumption. from the looks of him, a mugging was most likely. but jax was glad it wasn't any worse.  “ i got a first aid in th' trunk. i can patch that up for you... if you want, ” he offered, glancing over at him. jonny looked fucking miserable, and cared. sure, some things hadn't changed. but what had changed was that jaxon didn't know him anymore. he didn't know what would help. 10 years was not nothing, and things did change. he pulled into the starbucks drive through, waiting in the line.  “ do you want t' file a police report? ”

beautifulburnout:

Things between them were beyond complicated. There was a lot unsaid and a lot that needed to be said. But despite all the years and despite the tension Jonny trusted Jaxon because he knew that he still cared. He felt weak, vulnerable and small but with Jaxon it didn’t matter. He knew he’d take care of him and Jonny knew he needed that right now.  The touch to his jaw had him meeting Jaxon’s eyes. Even if he wasn’t crying there was no hiding the fact that he had been. He didn’t have anything to hide from Jax and when he offered his hands Jonny took them without hesitation. He almost went in for a hug because he wanted the comfort but he checked himself. The last hug they shared hadn’t exactly been the most encouraging thing in regards to affection and even if he was having a rough night he didn’t want to push that on Jax. Instead he just climbed into the car and hugged his jacket around himself tighter. “Um, sure. Sounds good,” he finally replied. His voice was soft and hoarse. All the yelling that he did only served to make him lose his voice. Coffee did sound pretty nice. “Thanks…”

the tension, the history, the complicated feelings— all of that was monumental and waiting between them. but that was for another time, another night, another place. not with jonny hurting and scared and in need. jaxon would chalk it up to his duty as a cop. he was supposed to help people. that’s all this was. but the way worry ached in his chest, and the way he wanted nothing more than to comfort jonny with physical affection... that wasn’t exactly standard cop feelings. but he was doing a job, and playing a role, and his feelings were easier to ignore when he focused on that. 

he closed the door behind jonny, pausing at the trunk to grab a blanket as he walked.  “ here, jay, ” he said, laying the blanket gently in his lap. he knew how cold jonny always got. and being shaken up and barefoot probably wouldn’t help that.  “ okay, ” jax replied softly, watching him for another long moment. he noticed the tear in jonny’s jacket, and he grazed a fingertip over the slice. when his finger came away with a slight smear of blood, jaxon concern peaked sharply.  “ alright. i know yer really shaken. but i need t’ know what happened, jonny... ” his voice was still gentle, and empathetic. but he put the cruiser into drive, and pulled away. maybe it would be easier for jonny to talk when it felt less like he was filing a police report. 

Jax,  Happy birthday! I found this when I was digging through some of my old stuff. This was the last trip we took to the lake back in New York. I thought it was nostalgic and sweet so I wanted you to have it. Look how young we were!  Anyway, happy 31st. I know you were never big on birthdays but I hope you enjoy it. Let me take you out for a drink soon.  Have a great day (don’t be too grouchy). -Jay

[ sms → jonny ] thank you for the picture. and the birthday wishes. that’s very sweet of you. 

[ sms → jonny ] i’ll try not to be too much of a grump. 

beautifulburnout:

On the sidewalk Jonny saw cars just keep flashing by. It was a little discouraging when so many people refused to stop, but he supposed this Las Vegas. He wasn’t sure he’d stop for a stranger on the side of the road either. He probably looked insane sitting here barefoot anyway so he felt less bitter as time went on and more just miserable. He didn’t want to deal with all the fallout of this either. Cancelling cards, getting his license again and all the bullshit that went along with that. He humored the idea of going in search of a payphone but who was he kidding? This was 2017.  Jonny was too absorbed in his thoughts to notice when someone did finally stop to see if he was okay. He didn’t notice Jaxon pulling up or him at all until he was shining a light towards his face. Disbelief was written on his face. Of all the people to run into him in this state it had to be Jaxon. A complicated wave of emotions crashed over him. Relief that someone was there for him but also a confusing mix of doubts he knew were just creeping in because he was feeling so low. He hated how much of a slave he was to his own emotions. He couldn’t even respond to Jaxon properly. He just shook his head ‘no’ when he asked if he was okay. If he spoke he might cry. Even if Jaxon had seen him cry a thousand times, that was ten years ago and he should be able to handle himself by now. He knew that didn’t answer all of his questions but it was all he could muster at the moment. 

it didn’t matter at the moment— all of their... stuff. all of his feelings, past and present, all of his confusion, all of their strange tension. it didn’t fucking matter. not when something had happened, and jonny was upset, and hurting, and dear fucking god, hopefully not injured. he wanted to hug jonny close against his chest, kiss his forehead, tell him it would be okay, he’d look out for him, like always. but this wasn’t high school. this wasn’t 10 years ago. 

instead, he reached forward and touched his jaw, gently and hesitantly, just enough to get a better look at him. no blood or bruising. that’s good. but jonny was obviously shaken up and upset.  “ okay, alright. it’s okay. c’mon. let’s get you outta th’ gutter, huh? ” he murmured gently, standing up and offering his hands out to jonny. worry clawed through his ribs, and he worried that he was the wrong person to help jonny at a time like this.  “ wanna drive through starbucks? get something hot? ” he asked, opening the passenger side door for jonny to get into. 

beautifulburnout:

Tonight wasn’t Jonny’s night. His bare toes flexed against the pavement and the artist let out a soft and frustrated sigh. His eyes were puffy from crying, his hair a mess and his jacket ripped. He sniffed and his hands rubbed across his face as headlights illuminated him. He looked like a wreck and felt like one. It was hard to deal with the fact that you got mugged, clear down to designer shoes. It wasn’t like he could call for help either. Not with this phone stolen He had no way of getting a cab because the mugger had taken his wallet as well. And it wasn’t like he’d be walking far with tender bare feet. Instead he sat on the curb feeling both useless and more than a little dejected. He felt foolish. Jonny grew up in New York, he lived in Portland. It wasn’t like he was new to avoiding that sort of trouble and yet here he sat. A victim to some guy who no doubt preyed on tourists. Yeah, fuck this night and fuck this city. He just wanted to go home.

his shift had ran a little long. well, in truth, he’d made it run a little long. their job was technically done, and his partner had caught a ride home. but after responding to a call about a teenage tent city, jaxon hung back, to get the small group of teenagers some food, and sit and chat with them. they were good kids, just in bad situations, most of them emancipated or 18. it broke jax’s heart to see them out like this. he’d given them his card, and told them to call if anyone gave them any trouble. now he was driving back to the station, tired, and weary, and taking his time. the man slumped on the curb caught his eye. the jacket didn’t say homeless, but barefeet and body language spelled trouble. 

jaxon pulled over a little up the curb, climbing out with flashlight in hand. “ sir? are you okay? ” he called out, shining the flashlight just close enough to get a look at his face. “ jonny? ” he was incredulous and frankly, fucking shocked. “ jonny, what the hell? ” he said, squatting down in front of him to get a better look. “ what happened? are you okay? what’s goin’ on? ” despite all of his complicated feelings about them and him, jaxon’s protective instinct flooded his chest and drowned anything else out.  

beautifulburnout:

Jonny wondered if it was still on Jaxon’s mind. It was hard not to think about how things between them had ended. There had been more than one time Jonny thought about Jaxon. Hell, he even tried to reach out to him once. But Jaxon didn’t really seem like the social media type. He never got the chance. And now that he was face to face with him he couldn’t find the words. Ten years was a long time and a simple ‘i’m sorry’ didn’t seem like it would ever be enough. “They seem really sweet,” he agreed fondly while looking at the pits. He was glad that Jax had them. He could see how protective Ginger was and it honestly warmed his heart, even if she didn’t seem overly fond of him right now. He chuckled at their names and was unable to resist rubbing behind Jamie’s ears. “Ya would name your dogs after a whiskey drink. Weirdo,” he teased gently with a stupid, fond little smile.

The feeling of Jaxon’s arms around him, no matter how brief, felt warm and familiar. How many times had he run into those arms when things were hard? The hug was over too quickly and it left a twinge in his heart. He knew that no matter what had happened he’d still always care about Jaxon deeply, but he wasn’t sure if Jaxon felt the same. He wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t, but Jonny wasn’t the same person who made that mistake all those years ago and maybe this was the universe’s way of telling him he could get a second chance with the man he once considered his best friend. “It’s good to see ya too, Jax,” he replied softly. While he didn’t want Jaxon to go he knew it would be selfish of him to keep him any longer. “I’m done but…yeah I should head home. But um…wait a sec.” Jonny quickly dug into his bag and dug out one of his sketch pads so he could scribble down his number. He signed it 'Jay’ , a little throwback to their high school days. “Here. If ya ever want to talk…I’d love to hear from ya.”

jaxon shrugged and smiled a little back. it was hard not to. talking about the dogs always made him happy and jonny... had always made him happy. the pang of ache at the memory made him retreat again, as if emotionally flinching away from past pain. this was all too fucking much, and jaxon couldn’t sort through any of it in his head. it was all one big tangled ball of nostalgia, old, unhealed heartbreak, and dormant emotions he’d refused to deal with for so long. jonny was dredging all that up again, with a little smile and a tease, and jaxon hated that he felt angry. what had happened to him? what went wrong that emotions made terrified?  “ i needed a good pair of names. all the other ones were dumb, ” he replied, trying to keep the reservation from showing through in his voice. anxiety scuttled beneath his skin, stoking his frustration and his desire to run. 

“ oh... ” he replied lamely. “ well.. maybe i’ll, uh... come see it when its dried. ” it was an attempt. an olive branch, maybe? a ‘i know i’m running away now but i don’t want to disappear again’. would jonny understand? he forced himself to focus on the moment, knowing he’d wallow in all of this later on. “ y-yeah... ” he said, clearing his throat and taking the piece of paper. jonny’s handwriting was still the same, and he couldn’t help but remember all the notes they passed back and forth to each other in class. jaxon felt so fucking hung up on their memories and... them. did jonny? or was all of that just old high school memories to him? his heart twinged with pain at the possibility. and he felt immediately stupid. it was stupid. to care so god damn much. 30 years old, so many fucking years later, and jaxon still wasn’t over high school. how fucking stupid. “ i’ll see you around, jonny d, ” he replied, smiling politely at him and tucking the paper into his pocket. “ c’mon, babies. let’s go home. ”

the lost boys // jaxathan

beautifulburnout:

The tension between them was all but palatable. It was no wonder Ginger was so agitated. Jonny kept his distance to keep her as comfortable as possible, and maybe to keep them both a little more comfortable. He watched the two of them and when Jaxon explained part of the reason she was untrusting it made a lot of sense. “Well they couldn’t have ended up with anyone better.” Jaxon loved dogs more than he loved most people. He believed it when he said it. Those dogs were probably better taken care of than some people’s kids. “They’re adorable. Ginger and…Jamie?” He chuffed out a soft and knowing laugh. It was cute and kind of unexpected. He would have thought Jaxon would have gone for more ‘traditional’ dog names but he liked it a lot.

“Thanks…it’ll look better once it dries. I guess some kids came by and were messing with it. That’s why I came out here. To touch it up…” He cleared his throat and realized he was rambling a bit but he smiled anyway. At least Jaxon actually looked at him. But when Ginger growled and Jax explained, Jonny was a little surprised that he mentioned a hug. He didn’t seem at all comfortable but he wasn’t running off either. Did he want this? To sort of reconnect after all of this time? He did come to look at his artwork after all. There was clearly part of Jaxon that still cared for him and Jonny would be lying if he said he felt any different. So the artist opened his arms, wiggling his fingers in a 'come on’ type motion. “Well then, c'mere. Don’t use your dog as an excuse, Jax,” he teased with a touch of a smirk on his face. “I know you just want a hug.”

he was already on edge enough, but ginger's demeanor was just making him more anxious. but Jamie was just as carefree as ever, panting and looking up at them and chewing on a leaf on the ground. jaxon smiled a little then, despite himself and despite the situation. "thanks... I try my best. they've had a hard life, but they're real sweet," he nodded. it was more than that, honestly. they were saving him as much as he saved them. but that was too heavy to get into. jonny didn't need to know that Jamie laid on jax's chest when he woke up from a nightmare, and ginger pushed against his side and whined until jaxon stroked her ears and spoke to her. "yeah... ginger ale and jameson, officially," he huffed, with a small, slightly bashful smile.

jaxon really did like the mural. it was impressive, and beautiful, and grand and detailed. it was jonny. and jaxon had always loved jonny's art. another one of those things that hadn't changed, even after ten years. "fuckin' kids," he teased a little, slightly relaxing despite himself. but then, of course, jonny had to call him out, and jaxon's brow furrowed as he tensed a little again. he hadn't expected that. although... it was jonny. of course he'd do that. Jaxon's heart thudded hard and suddenly against the inside of his sternum. "yeah whatever," he muttered with a shy smile. but he moved closer anyways, refusing to think too hard about anything. he hugged jonny, warm and tight. but quick. it was all he could manage. "it's, uh... it's good t' see you, jonny," he said, taking a step back, rubbing the back of his neck. "i should let you get back to work..."

the lost boys // jaxathan

beautifulburnout:

Any smile that had been on his face faded away instantly when Jaxon both said he shouldn’t be there and he should go. It was amazing how much that hurt because despite everything that had happened, he was glad to see Jaxon. Apparently that was only a one sided feeling, but Jonny supposed he should have seen that coming. He was glad for the distraction of Jamie trying to get closer and so Jonny took a small step forward and leaned down so the dog could get a sniff at his hand. He could tell he was just excited and curious, and Jonny hoped that it encouraged Jaxon to wait even for just a moment. “Finally got your dogs, huh?” He looked up with a hint of a fond smile on his lips before he moved to stand again. He couldn’t count how many times Jaxon talked about wanting dogs.  There was a lot he wanted to say but none of it sounded right. ‘I’m sorry, I should have called, you were right’, just to name a few. Maybe he should have let him go but after all this time Jonny still found himself drawn to Jaxon and he didn’t want to miss this chance he never through he’d get. “Marines and a cop. Yeah, I can see that. You were always good at looking after people.” ‘Including me.’  He shifted where he stood. Jonny was still unable to hold still even after all this time. “So, since you went out of your way to come see it…what do you think?” He nodded towards the mural, but really he was just beating around the bush. He never thought he’d get the chance to see Jaxon again and now he couldn’t let him just walk away.

he felt unsure and unsteady. ten years past, and neither of them had ever reached out. jaxon thought that would forever be a distant memory of ache and regret. but jonny wasn't a memory anymore. he was standing in front of jax, alive and emotive and still just as awful at hiding emotions from manifesting on his expression. jaxon didn't miss the shift, and he felt a sharp stab of guilt. Jamie wouldn't quit, and jax let out the leash a little. "uh, yeah... I did," he replied, looking down at them with the slightest twitch of a smile. as Jamie enjoyed licking at jonny's hand, ginger leaned heavier against jax and grumbled out a low growl, wary of the stranger and Jaxon's tension. "ginger, it's fine, baby. relax," he muttered. "they're rescues. dog fights," he said to jonny, still quiet and withdrawn and guarded. he was too raw to be anything else.

part of him just wanted to say fuck it to all the complicated feelings trapped in his chest, and just hug jonny, or kiss him, or say i'm sorry i was stupid please take me back . but it'd been 10 years. and it felt like so many lifetimes past. and fear iced through his veins, freezing him into a quiet distance. jax just nodded at jonny's response, but looked back at the mural. "it's beautiful. of course. you did it," he replied, glancing over at jonny for just a second. it was all that he could handle. his grip tightened on the leash, and ginger growled lowly again. "i'm sorry. she's really protective. she doesn't trust anyone until i make it clear that i do. it helps if i hug people. then she's friendly," he sighed, stroking her head. it did nothing to dissuade her half-raised hackles.

the lost boys // jaxathan

beautifulburnout:

After cleaning his paint brushes Jonny headed back outside to head home. He tucked his paint supplies into his messenger bag and started towards his truck. In all honesty, he hadn’t intended on being out here this late. He had only stopped by to do a touch up because his work had ended up smeared by curious hands. He was adjusting the strap to his bag when he rounded the corner and saw someone admiring his work. The artist smiled to himself and intended on passing by when something made him pause. He was about to mention that it would look better dry when Jaxon turned to face him. Those baby blues were a blast from the past and even if it had been ten years, he’d know Jaxon Sawyer from anywhere. He didn’t know what to do or say. Jonny rarely found himself speechless, but it figured that Jaxon could cause that. He could fuck him up with just a look. He didn’t expect this. Yes, he had ran into Mama Sawyer, but he didn’t think Jaxon would ever take interest in his life again. Not the way things ended between them. After a long moment he realized he was staring and so he cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Hey…um. Wow. Look at you, all grown up, Jax.”

jonny wasn’t supposed to be here. fuck, jax shouldn’t even fucking be here. but it was late, and he couldn’t sleep, and ginger was restless when he was. without the alpha sleeping, no one seemed to sleep. mama had told him about this. about seeing jonny. about seeing his painting. if you ain’t gonna talk to the boy, at least go see his art. it’s somethin’. he’d brushed her off in the moment, all but shutting down when jonny’s name was brought up for the first time in so many years. but he walked, and ended up here. and now jonny was too. it was stupid to think jonny would grow out of his late night habits. jonny didn’t know that jaxon had grown into them. he knew there was so much they didn’t know about each other anymore. 

if he thought he couldn’t breathe before, he really fucking couldn’t now. not with jonny, all grown up and filled out and just as annoyingly boyish, smirking at him like he was just on the verge of teasing jax about his scowl again. god, he’d stared down the barrel of a semi-automatic weapon and didn’t give a shit. but now jonny was looking at him, and he wondered how it was possible to still being in one piece with so much tearing at the inside of his chest.  “ y-yeah. uh... marines. and police force, ” he offered lamely, unsure of what else to say. ginger bristled slightly and leaned heavier against him. jamie just tugged and tried to get closer to sniff jonny. “ jamie. quit it. — i’m sorry. i, uh... got curious. i shouldn’t be here. im sorry. i should go. ”

the lost boys // jaxathan

the lost boys // jaxathan

his heart thudded harshly against the inside of his ribs, banging out a beat that rang in his ears and drowned out the city noises behind him. ginger whined and leaned against his leg, concerned at his stillness. but jaxon was frozen, staring at the drying paint on the wall, at the brushstrokes made by hands that used to paint neosporin over his cuts, at the marks left behind by a man he didn’t know anymore. jaxon felt sick, and scared, and that teenage angry heartbreak all over again. he shouldn’t be here. it was too much. but he couldn’t move. he could barely breathe. jonny had done this. jonny... 

jamie yipped and tugged at his leash, breaking the daze jaxon’s emotions had kept him in. he looked down in confusion, following jamie’s gaze, right into jonny’s.