Ben Taylor - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

  Here we are at week four already. Already we’re hearing proclamations that Sean is the man a woman can envision spending the rest of her life with. Hoo buoy. Yup. I mean buoy. I need something to hold onto in the turbid seas of the Bachelor. If Tierra was just a tad crazy last week, it looks like she’s diving into straight up psycho. And we’re all going with her. Shall we dive? We shall.

Remember when Ben was the Bachelor and his hair was terrible? And he had little pepperoni nipples? And he was nothing to see shirtless? Sean is everything the opposite of Ben. The first shot we get of Sean in this episode is him rubbing sleep from his eyes wearing nothing but his black Calvin Klein boxer briefs. I am surprised at how ok with this I am. I am SUPER ok with this shot.

Leslie H. is constantly crying. She is crying as she anticipates the date cards and says, “I know a date will come. It’s just a matter of being patient” and weeping constantly. Keep that up. She gives a pretty good “meh” face as the first one-on-one goes to Selma. I, on the other hand, am thrilled. I love Selma! Go Selma! Cool it on immediately stating that you want to have his babies, though. Don’t go Tierra-level psycho, Selms.

Well, she’s losing me quickly. First, Sean mentions that she told him all about her struggles with people judging her because she’s so beautiful. Then in the limo she asks if he can handle “all 110 pounds of this!” in reference to them possibly dancing and her breaking his toes. Like, what woman discloses her exact weight on her first date with some guy? Why? Just in case he doesn’t think she’s tiny?

“We pull up to the airport, and I’m trying to put two and two together here!” she laughs. Well, Selma. I’m not judging you for being stupid based on your looks, but I must say that when one pulls up to an airport that is full of planes and you get out onto a tarmac where an empty plane is waiting, the math is not that hard.

They contort into the most awkward cuddling position ever as they fly to a mystery location. All the while Selma waxes poetic about how glamorous and luxurious and dream-like and princessy she feels. But the destination is a bleak desert. Selma is concerned. “He took the Iraqi to a desert,” she deadpans. She is funnier when she’s not trying.

Sean finally reveals that they will be rock climbing at Joshua Tree National Park. Selma, who keeps repeating that she “does not do well in heat”, is apprehensive. And you know what? Fair. I, personally, would love to rock climb at Joshua Tree, but that is not for everyone. If it’s actually important to Sean that she do this, then fine. But also being married isn’t about liking/being good at the same extreme sports. If it is then I am totally screwed in my plans to marry an Olympic snowboarder.

“Selma is pint sized. So she might have some issues getting up this rock today. But if she does, I can just strap her to my back and just pull us both up there,” Sean tells the camera. I want to hate this. I want to hate everything he just said, but I love it. Rude of him. Making me like him. He encourages her the entire way up, and she is real woman, real talk hauling her own ass up that rock face. They make it up as the sun is setting, and I’m pretty impressed with Selma for going HAM on that rock and Sean for being so supportive.

For the dinner portion, Sean keeps hammering home that he’s not bringing glamorous Selma somewhere glamorous. Expecting the worst, they actually come upon a little campsite with little decked out trailers in a circle. It may not be glamorous, but it’s pretty adorable and nice.

They talk about Sean’s past relationship (yes, singular), and then move right along to, you guessed it! FAMILY! Selma’s Family story is this: they are strict and Arabic and conservative. Selma is concerned her mother would have a heart attack if she saw her kiss someone on TV because they’re so conservative. Now Sean has already expressed how much he wants to kiss her, but she can’t. This is a real pickle they’re in.

He asks permission to kiss her which is ADORABLE. But she explains her whole situation and he is understanding. But oh man. That has got to SUCK for both of them. Sean makes a pretty hilarious groan to the cameras in his exasperation of not being able to kiss that lady. He gives her the rose, of course, and kisses her on the head. And then they play a GREAT Ben Taylor song for a montage.

On today’s group date we have Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Katherine (the girls all yay after her name because we all know how fun she is), Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, and Tierra. Tierra is PISSED about being on another group date.

No one knows what they’re doing but they sure are excited! Catherine’s excited! Amanda’s excited! Sarah’s excited! Lindsay thinks they’re going to get into those giant hamster balls and roll down a hill!

But shockingly, Lindsay is wrong. Sean practically pees his pants in excitement that they’re going to be doing roller derby. Sean is giggling. “You’re all such sweet girls, so it’ll be interesting to see you get a little aggressive.” Yeah, Sean, “interesting”. We’ll use that word to describe this blood bath. This is as bad an idea as when they went boxing on Ashlee’s season (poor Ames).

Tierra has been unleashed. Tierra is wearing green. Tierra is Hulk. Tierra “excite to knock some biatches down.” Tierra FULL PENT UP RAGE.

Amanda does a fun little thing. Amanda lies and says she’s done roller derby before to mess with the girls’ heads. How fun. She likes how psyched out they’re all getting.

Sarah, the girl with one arm that isn’t an issue, has an issue only having one arm. I feel terrible for her. She does not have the same balance as the other girls. You use your arms a lot in roller derby, so she’s just feeling embarrassed. I’m sad for her. AshLee tries to boost her confidence. AshLee, not Sean, her date.

Ok, now Sean does come over to encourage her. He’s very sweet and based on last week’s weird dog gesture, he likes her a lot. She ends up deciding to get back out there and really give it her all, despite how scary it is.

Amanda, remember how she lied? Is feeling really confident. She and Tierra Hulk are butt bumping they’re so confident. But at the height of her bragging, she bites it. Hard. On her face. They call an ambulance for her because they’re worried she broke her jaw. She looks not great, and they send her to the hospital to get it checked out.

Later (minutes? Hours?) Sean gives a strange almost coach-like prep talk to the two teams of girls all geared up for their roller derby. They all look terrified and rightly-fricking-so. Just in the nick of time, their white knight calls off the derby and decides to just have a “free skate” instead! Weeee! I bet Amanda is happy she put so much effort into lying and psyching out the other team now!

For cocktails, they arrive back at the Roosevelt. What weird ad deal did the Roosevelt pull off to be the exclusive date location for this season of the Bachelor? At the rooftop pool, all the drama gets kicked off. Sarah is adorable. Tierra SULKS. And Amanda comes back! She pretty much has a guaranteed rose at this point for going to the hospital then coming back with enough time to get cute. Amanda knows this and isn’t afraid to play dirty to get what she wants. Which is just a rose? And not Sean? Hmmm.

Back at the mansion, the date card comes. Leslie H.’s name is finally up! He sends her diamond earrings and she says, “Holy moly, Batman!” which, no. That’s not how that phrase works.

Tierra feel left out! Tierra no stoop to other girl level! Tierra no get angry like other girl want her to! Tierra get MOST ANGRY! JOKE ON THEM! Tierra ask if she can leave!

Sarah is not fighting for her to stay exactly, but she tries to level with her. She tries to have her talk to very level headed AshLee.

No! Tierra no trust NO ONE! TIERRA WANT GO HOME! Sean and Lindsay are making out in some side room, and Tierra goes stomping off to find him.

The girls are trying to puzzle out WTF is wrong with her. Lindsay suggests she and Sean get into the hot tub. Tierra ugly cry to camera! Tierra feel torture! Tierra break down inside! All hell is BREAKING LOOSE!

Tierra finally intercepts a very taken aback Sean, leaving Lindsay to fend for herself in her swimsuit. She comes tromping up the stairs like a true champ though, doing a truly hysterical face and pose as she comes up empty handed.

In talking with the producers, and now with Sean, Tierra has used the word “torture” about a million times. Now, as someone who just hyperbolized, I understand how easy it is to do. However, the victims of actual torture may have some interesting light to shed on what “literal torture” is for dear Tierra.

So, apparently this is the episode where Sean completely wins me over and makes me wish I was dating him. I mean, not really, but kind of. It’s TIERRA we’re talking about here and he is still adorable and really great at talking her down and she is PSYCHO. I was, however, screaming NO at my screen as he was comforting her and convincing her to stay.

AND THEN HE GIVES HER THE MOTHER LICKING ROSE. NO NO NO. SEAN. SO ANGRY. ALL CAPS. NOW I’M HULK. CASSIE HULK. CASSIE HULK MAD TIERRA HULK GOT HER WAY. CASSIE HULK ANGRY TIERRA HULK DO WHATEVER TIERRA HULK WANT AND TIERRA HULK STILL WIN HEART OF PRETTY SEAN MAN.

WHY HE LIKE HER SO MUCH? WHY HE LIKE THAT? SHE BAD LADY. CASSIE HULK FULL PENT UP RAGE.

Hey y’all. I ate some chocolate covered acai-blueberries and now I’ve calmed back down, just in time for Leslie H.’s date. She is a very pretty girl, but I just don’t really care about her. She cries too much, so I’m kind of hoping Sean doesn’t give her the rose.

“Oh my god! I slept with these earrings underneath my pEHllow!” Ok Leslie. Take it down a notch. You and I have to get through this date alive. Then she says “holy moly, batman” again and I’m not so sure I will get through this alive.

So, they are actually having a “Pretty Woman” date which does not sound great because that makes the pretty woman in question a prostitute. Sean thinks this is the utmost in romance and class. Really, Texas? I’m sure this is a dream scenario for you, too. Taking a woman shopping for whatever she wants in Badgley Mischka.

After an excruciatingly unexciting shopping montage, we settle on an army green shiny silk taffeta strapless number. Everything about what I just described is the opposite of current fashion. But here we are.

Sean gets cleaned up and into a tux and she declares him “sah cyute” as she descends the staircase. We pop over to NEIL LANE – OFFICIAL JEWELER TO THE BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE to meet Mr. Lane and pick out some ice for the lady’s neck.

This date has been manufactured to have the most romance possible, and Sean is hoping that something might click with Leslie now that they’re here in the perfect setting. I’m not so sure.

She is very smiley and giggly the whole time, which might just be her nerves, but it makes her seem really insincere. She doesn’t seem ready/willing to get right into it with Sean despite WEEPING over him for the last two weeks.

Sean’s not feeling it. He knows that she is a “phenomenal girl” but isn’t catching the spark. So he picks up the rose, and lets her down gently. He tells her all that he told us about not feeling the romance click. She is kinda pissed and a little cold to him. “You really didn’t see any romance at all?” she asks. But then as they’re saying good-bye she lets out one final warning to beware of some of the girls. Interesting, but I know the Bachelors too well to think they’ll give a second thought to that.

Um. Then. Sean gives a voice over that he is clearly reading because you can tell when non-actors read stuff. They played that Ben Taylor song earlier in the episode because Ben Taylor was supposed to play a private concert for them, but then obviously Sean isn’t going to dance alone to Ben “Son of James” Taylor. So they play Ben doing a gorgeous cover of “By Your Side” by Sade as Sean drops a rose dramatically because his life is hard, guys.

Time for the Rose Ceremony, bitches! The so-called bitches in question are all dolled up and feeling quick nervous as fewer and fewer girls are present for the ceremony. No one is safe. No one except Selma and Tierra, but other than that, no one!

Robyn decides to make a lasting impression on Sean, and decides that she should use pick up lines. Again, what fun! These women! Such pranksters! She asks him over and over if he likes chocolate and would like a taste of chocolate and he gives an emphatic YES. And she goes, “which chocolate do you want to taste” with such a giggle. And they decide to just kiss it out instead. Sean really likes kissing. We see his tongue too much for him to be very good (ahem, can we get Arie back up in this piece?) but he sure does like it.

Tierra is back on a rampage to get justice for her “good” name. So she pulls Robyn and Jackie the Cosmetics Consultant who has said about ten words this entire time, aside to level with them. She apologizes for being mean while also totally blaming them for being rude to her too. It’s awkward, and no one feels better at the other end. For getting hung-up on little things so much, it’s odd how frequently Tierra points out that she’s too mature to get hung-up on little things.

Catherine pops into frame just long enough to sing-song say, “Tierra-ble!!!” I haven’t seen her and Sean interact, but I really don’t want him to send Catherine our comedic relief home. And just as I ask, I receive. She and Sean sit down and have a nice chat that makes me like her even more despite the fact that she gives him a “kiss” or “imprint of her lips on paper” to keep. They are great, and I’m super behind the two of them.

Ultimately, we have nine roses, and ten girls. So that means one lonely lady will be saying good-bye this week. I cannot believe it’s just one. So rather than drag you through the ceremony like they make us, I’ll cut to the chase. It’s Amanda going home after a close call with Daniella! I am shocked. I really thought it’d be the other way around. Amanda looks like she might kill someone. I can’t say I’m sad to see her go.

Next week we are finally starting the traveling portion! Hooray! And they are bringing us episodes on both Monday AND Tuesday and promise to be FULL of romance and drama. I can’t wait. See y’all then, journeyers!