i return from the absolute cesspool life chucked me in last month to bring you this fun little nugget my brain gave me:
the earliest i can recall having d1s0rd3red e@t1ng habits is about 6 years ago (i actually started calling it what it was in 2021)
i have had d1s0rd3red e@t1ng habits for 1/3 of my life and almost half of the time i can remember •́ ‿ ,•̀
i seem to be in my self-analyzing era which is on the one hand probably very helpful for Future Bird.
on the other hand id really like to stop having thoughts like "the main reason you avoid being on tumblr regularly is because you're afraid of commitment and disappointing people due to the way your parents tried to teach you accountability" while im trying to rerereread my second favorite kpop vampire fanfic plz?
brain, bestie, my lovely hunk of grey matter, i do not have the bandwidth to do this rn k thx <3
so theres a kinda specific but also not that specific trope i really like and find comforting and its the everyone minus the main character meets the in-need-of-hug+help mc and lifts them up and takes care of them.
and i was over analyzing myself as one does in the wee hours of the morning and was like... oh... huh
im so terrified of loving someone more than they love me that i dont see me being able to let myself make new relationships especially as an adult, let alone rely on others for anything important.
ive been so hyper independent since as long as i can remember that the concept of *not* being as entirely and completely self-sufficient as possible at all times falls under the same "nice to dream about but not real" umbrella as a world without homophobia or transphobia.
like in all honesty how the fuck do people just... trust that other people wont screw them over? accidentally or on purpose? what if they leave? what if they get new priorities? what if they cheat? what if they die and then you're floundering AND mourning?
so, as one does, i was checking how much ive lost since i started properly tracking again. And, as fucked up little brainicles do, i was disappointed when it fell in the range of healthy weight loss for the time span (7.3kg in 2mo)
and then i realized that i was upset??? about being healthy???? and close to the upper limit of healthy?????
like wtf??????
idrc about whats healthy when it comes to weight loss (like im here lol) but ive never... actively not wanted to at least go about it in a more helathy way??
like im fucking religious abt taking my vitamins so i dont get scurvy or whatever. (after writing this the fact that my hard line for healthy eating is "having my flintstones gummies everyday" is... something)
anyways tldr is i had a "shit i am so far into my relapse ive reached new levels of fuckery" moment :/