Bodyimage - Blog Posts

An Intro

Hello, friends!

I initially planned for my first post to be an introduction to my life. However, something has changed the course of my fitness journey, a major part of my life, for the time being and, as such, has altered my mental health journey, too. 

Here’s what’s up: I have mono. No biggie, really, except that means I can’t exercise like at all for at least one month. Also no biggie, right?

Well, it wouldn’t be except for the fact that I genuinely struggle when it comes to physical fitness. I’m a Type A and an ENTJ, which means I don’t know how to rest. Period. I go hard. I get results. I push myself to be the best. Consequentially, I’ve hit rock bottom several times, both mentally and physically. I’ve had eating disorders in the past and am currently getting over a binge eating disorder/unhealthy relationship with exercise. I also have issues with depression and anxiety, to put it lightly. Since I started college, I used exercise as a way to increase my self-worth---terrible, terrible idea. I tried to convince myself I was doing it to better myself, and to some extent, I was. Mostly, though, I started lifting because I wanted to show my dedication to the gym, to not be ashamed when parts of me jiggled a little when I walked, to not want to avoid social interaction for the fear of being called the “fat friend.” (Sidenote: I realize I’m not fat. I’m proud of my big thighs and big booty because I worked my ass on.)

But I digress.

The comparison game has been torturing me---stress weight, stomach ulcers, major depression, horrible anxiety... the list goes on. This mono hit at the right time, honestly. I seriously broke down when I realized I couldn’t work as hard in the gym as I’d like. See that? That self-worth-depends-only-on-gym-results BS? Yeah. That’s been killing me for years. And I’m sick of it.

Since I can’t lift weights, I’m completely adapting my fitness regimen and learning to love myself right now. In the grand scheme of things, no one gives a flying frick that I don’t look like a Gymshark model. So what if my exercise is walking thirty to forty-five minutes around downtown every other day? I might throw in a light bodyweight workout if I have the energy. 

I’m learning to eat intuitively, despite the fact so many girls who lift swear by tracking macros. My history of eating disorders makes this so much harder than it should be (heck, I eat 85% paleo, even when it comes to desserts). But, you know what? I’m a quarter of the way through my life right now. I’m tired of being afraid of eating certain foods. I’m tired of not being able to go out with friends to eat because I don’t know the macros for the items on the menu. 

I’m learning to eliminate everything that increases my tendencies to become depressed or anxious---that means following things on Instagram that motivate me to be healthy, not to look healthy. I’m going to start training for a half-marathon when I get better and use weight training to supplement that for strength. 

In short, I’m learning to live. To not set such rigid standards for myself (as freaking difficult as it is). To not give a flying frick about what other people think of me. To not let food or the gym interrupt making memories with my friends. To realize my self worth lies in my talent, ambition, kindness, and humor. 

Who would’ve thought a virus saved my life?