Bpd Stuff - Blog Posts

I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

Low and low, I sink

lo and behold, I crumble.

*goes through a hard time*

Me: I must be pretending

*feels incredibly lonely and wants to talk to someone*

Me: ew I'm too needy and weak

*experiences shitloads of emotional pain*

Me: stfu you're not a baby, gulp it down alone like an adult

Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.

Too many insights. Too many realizations. Long way to go. Sit tight. 🫠

but being numb/feeling empty is a whole another level of worse.

sometimes the emotions get so intense that i'd rather be numb.

someone please see i’m struggling and be gentle to me!!! wipe the blood from my skin, hold me, kiss me, comfort me until i feel like something, until i feel like i’m worth existing

THEY REPLACED ME

theyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedmetheyreplacedme

they said i was their favourite

they said they loved me

they said that IM their number one

WHY DID THEY REPLACE ME

DID I JST MEAN NOTHING TO THEM

DID THEY JST LIE THIS WHOLE TIME

IF THEY WERE TELLING THE TRUTH, HOW DID THEY REPLACE ME SO EASILY

am i rlly that replaceable?

to that one person

no revenge bcz one day ull realize i only had the purest intentions towards u, i never hurt u, all i did was love u, n i hope ull realize it n that itll haunt u for the rest of ur life

you might not like me anymore but ill always love you. ill never meet someone who is as amazing and pretty as you, and, in turn, youll never meet someone whos even a little bit similar to me, and i hope that fucking haunts you.

bout ready for a btec home lobotomy

(plz botch it up more plz botch it up more)

i swear death would be more fun than whatever the fuck is going on with me

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡

ﾟlobotomise me please

　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

it’s hard to get me to say ‘i love you’ but once i’m comfortable i say it far too much

you’ll get sick of it soon enough

Finally finding out what’s wrong with me: 😃

Finding out it’s incurable: 🤡

You know what’s hard to swallow?

When you thought you had it all figured out. Not life, per se, but yourself - ever changing or not.

When you thought you had figured out the root of your problems, and praised yourself for being so darn self aware.

And then, something flips, the moment you give in to vice that you thought you had uncovered the secrets of. Why you drink, why you smoke, why you can’t seem to stop.

You thought you’d figured it out - why it pulled you in, and then, nothing makes sense anymore.

The moment of realising that you don’t know your demons, you don’t know why your eyes seem to always gaze back at the glass of wine next to you, and then the bottle. Why it seems to call out to you, louder than anything else in the room - a scream in an endless sea of whispers.

You give in, because the absolute soul crushing feeling of once again being wrong about yourself is worse than faking the reasons, but you know you’ll make up another. And you’ll believe it.

And the cycle will repeat.

Random vent, but I hate the way BPD is romanticised in the media.

Babe, it is not something to romanticise, it isn’t a trendy hard-shelled girl in a horror movie, or a sarcastic depressed teen in a coming of age series.

It is anger. It is a rage that fills your body to the point where you can’t hear yourself over your heart beating at the pace of a Metallica drum solo.

It is trying to keep it together over and over, and falling apart over something as simple as your shirt getting caught on a door handle.

It is hitting yourself in the head out of anger. It is ripping up clothes, it is punching the nearest thing to you, it is tears falling down your cheeks while you scream out of rage.

It is numb. It is sitting in the same position for hours because there’s no point in getting up. It is boredom and tunnel vision. It is being trapped behind a screen in your mind, watching your life fly past, nothing feeling real.

It is abusing substances to feel something other than nothing. Something other than anger. A fleeting moment of euphoria and ego boost.

It is pushing everyone away, and going silent. It is pulling everyone back in with love bombs the second you feel like they’re going to leave you.

It is compulsive lies, even over little things. It is defending yourself even when you know you’re in the wrong. It is crying during a fight to turn the situation around, turning yourself into the victim, making endless excuses.

It is knowing all of these horrible things are a part of your personality. Knowing that what you hate the most about yourself, is stuck with you.

It’s not romantic, it’s not cinematic, it’s not poetic. I wish it was, but it’s not.

If someone had to ask, “what’s the worst part of living with bpd?”

I think I’d say, trying to explain to someone what it’s like to not know who you are. Trying to explain swimming to someone who’s never seen water. Trying to explain purple to someone who’s blind.

It always results in a response along the lines of “But I know you”.

Which forces the conversation to an end, with a sigh. Realising that no one will ever truly understand what you are trying to tell them.

Realising that, the person they know, is based on themselves. Or the current movie character obsession of the week.

Trying to explain to someone that, if you were left alone, without any form of influence - real, or fictional - you would be stuck in place.

me after my mind tries to convince me that everything that goes against my morals is something that i actually believe in so suddenly im sent into this spiral where i feel like a disgusting insect because i keep thinking of horrifying things and maybe i dont have any morals and i actually believe in the wrong stuff. but no its my brain trying to make me feel guilty and make me feel like my entire existence is wrong and im just a big fat liar and i have never been the right person my entire life

falling asleep feeling empty and hollowed out and i cant cry anymore bc i literally have zero tear ducts and my stomach feels funny and i think everyone wants me gone

TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.

Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?

Snap

Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.

Snap

No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.

Snap

Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.

Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.

Snap

You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.

Repeat.

Every day.

Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.

Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.

I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?

Who am i?

(Just a little vent, TW a single mention of selfharm and suicide in the end.)

In one moment i feel nothing at all, i found comfort in it.

Then, someone talks in another voice, and my mind gets crashed by selfhate and believing anyone is fooling with me. That often triggers Splitting, rage or depression.

No matter wich bpd episode; boredom, euphoria, anger, sadness, frustration, Splitting, lovesick, anxiety, dissociating, overthinking..

In big crows i am always on fight or flight.

Every single one feels so wrong, so different. Overwhelmingly and unbearable, causing my body to hurt and feel so weak.

Afterwards my mind feels so dead, guilty and ashamed. Like i don't think at all but still think so much if somebody can understand that.

If people ask what my Traits are, how could i say 'caring' if only care in a few of these episodes?

How can I say I will always listen? I really want to, but if I am in episodes i can't listen anymore.

What can i tell them, what wouldn't get destroyed by a episode?

What can i tell myself?

The only thing that stays with every damn episode is the thought of suicide or selfharm. But that's something rarely someone I meet will ever find out.

I know, I am more than bpd. We all are more than this illness.

Yet, from time to time i can't help it and ask myself, who am I.

Take care <3

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

s3xu@al assault really makes you feel like you’re only good for sex and sending nudes and that the only way to make things right with someone is letting them use your body huh hahahshhdbxnd

Dear Wolrd,

The other day, I came across a video that said when someone is not meant to be with you the universe will do anything to make you two fall apart.

But, can't it see? Can't the universe see that I'm holding on a thread for that person. Can't the universe see that my soul is perishing for the person. And why is it that the universe gives me mixed feelings about that person. Are you confused too universe?

being iced tf out by people who ‘care’ and ‘love me’ and ‘understand me’ even though they don’t care to see that i’m literally at the lowest point of my life!!!

fake ass mfs made a whole separate gc to chat shit about me when i’m currently sitting in my bathroom wondering how many cvts i deserve today

all these expectations. fuck you and fuck everyone else.

do what i want!!

no do what i want!!

nah bro what about what i fucking want. i can’t deal with this anymore. every outcome just ends up with me wanting to slice my wrists open, hang myself from the ceiling, jump from a bridge and EVEN THEN none of you would care.

“we didn’t even notice” man stfu i’m clearly losing my fucking mind and HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS.

lord just let this end, please. i’m begging with everything i have. please.

Unfortunately this sounds so me

date idea: u tell me exactly how u feel about me in specific detail until my brain calms down and stops thinking u hate me

Not my brain basically acting like they’re a god!!! But they basically are so like tf, and I really should stop being this selfish and taking everything for granted when they’re the most amazingest person ever and I don’t deserve them at all whfhwihdjwje

Having a fp is so fucking shitty. Just being so dependent on them for every single thing and the jealousy of quite literally fucking everything including the fucking trees that take their carbon dioxide to make oxygen and shit and the needing to be with them constantly and the percieved abandonment all the fucking time and your life depending on them so fucking much more than anything just flr them to not give a shit about you in the slightest no matter how much they say its never going to actually be true or how much they say and its so shitty. Fuck having fps. I just want to fucking hate them and fucking kill myself. Fuck all this shit fuck it fuck it fuck it why do i have to fucking need them when they just leave leave leave thats all they fjcking do just leave and fucking lie!!!