Breakup - Blog Posts
"I may have lost someone who didn't love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you"
A poem
I'm going to hate you
I'm going to love you
I'm going to want to kiss, marry and kill you
I'm going to want to hug you
I'm going to want to hurt you
But most importantly. .
I'm never going to need you
My Coming Out Story
Disclaimer: Due to the personal nature of this story names have been changed as to not reveal peoples identity. I’m not sure why I decided to post this story now. It’s something I’ve hadn’t written for awhile but never knew when or where to place it. I’m posting it now and I hope that if someone needs it now in their life they can read it and feel a little better about how things are going. When I was little I really didn’t have a concept of what gay was. I grew up in a loving christian home with my mechanical engineer turned youth minister mom and my current electrical engineer dad who was also the music leader at church for a number of years. There were also my three siblings of which I was the second oldest. My life revolved around church. It was literally where I went to preschool and I spent at least five days a week there well into my teenage years.
Growing up in this way wasn’t bad. I had a great community and family. However, that changed. I remember thinking during my elementary school days that I thought of guys and girls the same. The only thing was that I understood that when you get married girls marry guys and vice versa. That’s just how it was and I thought everyone felt the way I did. You just had to pair up like that.
I had heard the word gay and understood the concept of it when I was in elementary school thanks to my church and one kid at my school. My mom told me he was gay and I didn’t believe it because he was so nice and from what I understood gay meant bad. (He came out when we were in middle school and was one of my inspirations later on.)
Still the first time I had a personal connection with having that label was when some girls started a rumor that me and one of my best friends who was also female had kissed on the playground during recess. This was an outright lie and my violent tendencies at the time due to (at that time) unmedicated ADHD caused me to lash out and beat up the bully which got me sent to the principal's office. I didn’t tell anyone why I had beat up the girl just that she was being mean to my friend. As I was a frequent flyer in the office at that time they didn’t really question me all that hard anyway. Now that I’m older I can’t really tell you why I didn’t tell anyone what the girls said. Whether I was embarrassed, scared, or just too stubborn to give them an answer I don’t remember I just know I didn’t.
Fast forward to middle school and I was a far more awkward, less violent teen. At this point I was still pretty unaware of the world around me in regards to the LGBT. I knew that there were some kids in my grade that had come out as LGBT that kid I mentioned before among them. Still to me it was something that was viewed as a bad thing they were sinners. It was all what church had taught me whether it be explicitly by some or implicitly by the majority it was still something I picked up on as a child.
Then one day my mom told me that we had been invited by two of her friends from college to have lunch with them. It was at one of my favorite little cafes so I was really excited. She told me they were psychologists and that they were together. She also told me they were two men. I was shocked. I didn’t think gay people could have significant relationships like straight people. On top of that I couldn’t imagine my mom -- who by all accounts was the symbol of a perfect godly woman to my entire church community -- could be friends with them.
Her response to my shock: “We’re christians, they are not, we hate the sin but we love the sinner. Despite being gay they are still good people but since they aren’t christians we can’t hold them to the same standard as us. They simply don’t believe in it.” (I paraphrased but this is the general idea of the conversation)
It was the first time I had heard such a sentiment and I went into that lunch with a curious perspective. I was still a little shy so I didn’t ask about it but I watched them together, made note of their wedding bands (gay marriage wasn’t legal then but they were symbolic to them), and witnessed their love for each other. After that I started finding myself paying more attention to my peers who had come out. Many of which I ran in the same circles as. The more I watched and interacted and bonded with them the more my bigoted thoughts that gays were these lustful bad people faded and I realized they were normal people.
That’s when I realized something. Not everyone loves both guys and girls and just picks a side. I learned that bisexuality existed. The next step I took in my journey was repression. I was a christian. Christians were not gay. I was not gay. I could not be gay. I was just imagining it and it’s not a big deal. Afterall I still like guys so we're fine.
This lasted until my sophomore year of high school, choir class, and a girl with freckles, short multi colored hair, dazzling eyes, and the singing voice of an angel. The panic was real and my emotions would not shut up. I couldn't come to terms with it. With any of it.
I denied my feelings for most of that year until one day I was with two of my friends. We were all writers and talking about different stories we were working on. Then one of them paused in the middle of what she was saying and turned to me saying “these characters are gay. We know you don’t believe in that stuff but that’s what it is”
I looked back at her in shock and I responded with “that’s okay. I am a christian and while I might never practice that myself I’m okay with other people doing it. Hate the sin, love the sinner” my friend smiled at me and said that was the first time she’d heard such an accepting thing from a christian and continued telling us about her story as we headed to class.
I was glad I put a smile on her face and made her feel accepted but honestly I felt like a complete piece of garbage. I’d simply parroted back to hear all the stuff that had been shoved down my throat for my entire life. Did I really believe it though? I couldn’t stop thinking about that conversation for the rest of the week. I also couldn’t stop thinking about that girl from choir class but that was honestly nothing new.
About a week later our school had standardized testing going on. Which divided up kids into computer labs by grade and last name. Me and one of my guy friends we’ll call him Cane had luckily been seated near each other. During one of our breaks when we were allowed to talk. I went over and leaned on the desk next to him. He vented to me about how he had a crush on one of our mutual friends and was thinking about asking her out but was nervous. I gave him encouragement as best I could then he inquired whether I was interested in anyone. Before I really thought about it I answered yes. He asked who and after only a few moments of deliberation I admitted that it was the girl from my choir class. He acknowledged and agreed that she was cute before continuing on. I looked at him in surprise and pointed out to him that she was female. He said he knows and that it wasn’t that big of a deal if I liked girls. I thanked him and asked him not to tell anyone because I still wasn’t sure. He agreed to keep it under wraps but did tease me a little for my crush.
After that conversation. I finally took the leap and began to look up the LGBT community online. I found forums and support centers and ted talks and messages and christians saying that LGBT was okay. I was ecstatic but still I was worried so I prayed and the more I prayed and researched and talked with other LGBT people the more I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. Finally I could admit to myself that I was in fact bisexual and I was okay with that and so was my God.
I still wasn’t comfortable coming out to anyone yet. So I spent more time on online forums for LGBT youth and writers. I learned about the community and I embraced my crush on the girl in choir. Even though it didn’t pan out and I fell for a boy we’ll call him Reese and started dating him my junior year. It felt like things were going okay. I was able to tell one of my friends call them Alex finally that year and they intern told me that they were asexual. We were able to support each other in our closets and were happy.
During my Junior year even though my feelings for the choir girl faded I ended up meeting another girl in my Fire and Rescue class at the career education center that partnered with my high school. We’ll call her Polly. She was an incredible person, bright and beautiful and unabashedly herself all the time. We bonded over marvel movies and writing. Even though I was dating Reese at the time I was falling head over heels for this girl. It took me a while to figure it out as slowly me and Polly became better friends but I was developing feelings for her.
Finally, my senior I got the courage (with support of Alex) to come out to my main friend group. It was at a marching band competition and everyone was super supportive. My best friend you can call her April she said she wasn’t surprised and Reese who was still my boyfriend at the time said he loved me and would always support me and this didn’t change that. I even came back out to Cane again because I had genuinely forgotten that he already knew. He reminded me of what he said that day. That it didn’t matter and he wouldn’t tell a soul. They were all proud of me for owning who I was. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
However, it couldn’t last. When I was telling April one of the band mom’s overheard and gave me a shocked and disgusted look. She didn’t say anything but she didn’t have to. She was known for being the gossip of the group and she was a religious friend of my moms. If she had overheard then it was only a matter of time before she told my mother.
I was terrified. When I got home from the competition I watched my mom to see if she was going to react at all to me. She didn’t and I realized she hadn’t been told yet. I was relieved but knew that I wanted to be the one to tell my mom. I didn’t want her to hear it from a secondary source, especially not the gossip. So I got on one of my forums and talked to some LGBT friends who encouraged me before I took a deep breath and headed into my parents room.
My dad was away on business so it was just my mother. I told her I had something to tell her and she gave me her attention. I explained that I had come to accept myself as I am and that I knew God had also accepted me as the way I am. I told her I was bisexual and waited watching her.
She stared at me for a long moment. Her face was a mixture of confusion and fear and the next words out of her mouth I will never forget she asked “does this mean you’re going to hell?”
I felt like someone had just pulled the floor out from under me. She didn’t understand and spent the next couple minutes trying to convince me I was mistaken or that this was wrong. We stayed civil and eventually she just said she needed to process this and sent me back to my room. I cried myself to sleep that night.
The next day at school I told my friends what happened and they comforted me. When I got back from school and band practice I hid in my room until that evening when my father got home from his business trip. He came to my door and told me we needed to talk. My younger sisters were banished to their room as me, my mom, and my dad - who had been told by my mom - sat in the living room to discuss the fact that I was gay.
Shortly after starting the conversation/argument a boy (Derek) who was like my older brother came over. He wasn’t biologically related to us but he had a key to the house, would often come over, referred to us as his siblings/parents, and was referred to by us as our brother/son. Me and him were very close and despite my parents wanting to send him to the other room I insisted he stay as things had already begun to get heated between me and my father.
Derek helped keep the tension down but there was still plenty of yelling. He acted as an impartial mediator for most of it. My dad yelled a lot, my mother cried, I both yelled and cried. It was a rough night. It ended with me storming back to my room. A while later Derek came to my room and talked with me. He explained that he didn’t understand or know if he agreed with it but he’d make the effort and be there for me. I thanked him.
My house after that was tense to say the least. My parents avoid the subject at all costs. My sisters knew thanks to the yelling that night but didn’t comment on it. The next time my mom brought it up was to tell me that I couldn’t tell my cousin about it because she would spread it to the rest of my dad’s side of the family. She also said I couldn’t tell her mother, my grandmother, because she had a heart condition and it could kill her. Sometimes I still wonder how my grandmother would have reacted had I told her before she died. She once told me she had a friend who was gay and that she cared about him deeply. I think she would have accepted me.
The first time my siblings brought it up was when me and my two younger sisters were left in the car while my mom ran into the store. We were listening to music and chatting when my sister asked “so how long did you know you were bi” I was surprised because up until then I hadn’t realized my sisters knew I was bisexual. I explained it to them briefly and asked what they thought of it. They both said they agreed that people should be able to love who they want to love. Though my sister Greta thought it was kinda gross because she didn’t get how two of the same gender could have sex. Still it didn’t change anything for them and they apologized for how our parents had been handling it. I was so thankful for their support.
By the end of my senior year I was out and proud to all of my peers. I came out to my friend Hannah and Derek's girlfriend Mary at the same time as a casual drop in a conversation. Neither reacted at the time but asked me about it later. Mary more directly wanting to understand as both her and Derek are very religious. While Hannah was more of making a comment about me eyeing a girl that I had a crush on and being obvious. I can’t remember when I came out to my older brother James who lives in a different city. However, he never really questioned it beyond being tense when I brought it up around our parents. I was becoming bold in my identity. I had even written a love poem about about girl (Polly) for an english class assignment to stick it too a homophobic teacher.
I ended up breaking up with Reese pretty early on my senior year as I realized what I felt for Polly. To this day I still consider my feelings for her the first time I fell in love with someone. I cared about Reese deeply and still do but only ever as a friend. Since we were in middle school people had been pushing us together and while we fit together on paper and from the outside. My feelings inside didn’t match and I didn’t want to lead him on. Polly was the one I truly wanted to be with but the same couldn’t be said for her. She had met a boy in her senior year and they were starting to talk. She really liked him and I was her main confidant for her feelings. I took them and I encouraged her to pursue a relationship with the boy because I knew she felt for him more than she did for me. She loved me but only as a friend. As her and her boyfriend got closer I worked to let go of my feelings for her gradually.
Meanwhile my parents were like a looming dark cloud and it felt like I was stuck in a cage of some sort anytime I left the shelter of my friends. This only got worse when I graduated that spring and summer rolled around. I tried to get out of the house as much as possible but I didn’t drive and this made things difficult. The relationship between me and my parents began to get more and more strained to the point I almost ran away one night after my mom punched me.
I began to view leaving for college that fall to be the holy land. My montra became that if I could only survive the summer I could make it. Me and my friend Hannah were going to the same college and going to be roommates. I was going to get to study what I loved and be who I was. I went into survival mode. Then the biggest mental strain hit.
Every year since I was nine years old I went to church camp for a week in the summer. I had been going longer than I was supposed to because my mom was a leader of the camp and my whole family got to go even Derek and Mary. Normally Hannah would come as well but she had something else come up that year and couldn’t. I knew the place very well and absolutely loved it. It was a time of year I looked forward to and couldn’t wait to go back too especially since I was now a worker at the camp instead of just a camper.
This year was tougher than most. I was given a lecture about not telling anyone that I was bisexual before I left because if they found out I was gay I wouldn’t be allowed to come back to camp. I was horrified at the idea and tried my best not to think about it. Even when I got a crush on my fellow female camp worker. It was a stressful week and it all culminated one night.
I can’t tell you whether I believed what I felt in that moment. It all felt like a blur like I was about to shatter under the weight of everything bearing down on me all the lying and fighting. I think part of me wanted to believe that me being gay could be prayed away that night and that I could just stop having to deal with all this pressure. So that’s what happened. I told one of my leaders and they asked me a bunch of questions like had I kissed a girl or had sex and then they prayed for me.
Afterward I told my mom and she literally cried about it hugging me and thanking God that I was healed. I felt sick and I threw up before I went to sleep that night.
I went to college that summer as a straight girl and I held on to that label for most of my first semester. I loved college. Me and my roommate/best friend Hannah met three great friends that first semester, Sylas, Kurt, and Randall. Sylas was busy a lot so we mostly hung out with Kurt and Randall. All of us played D&D together and had movie nights. Me and Hannah also found a christian group on campus and got settled there.
I thought I was happy with my life however I still felt sick and disjointed anytime the concept of homosexuality got brought up. It was a hard time and I prayed about it alot. I talked to some of my church friends about how I had turned back to straight. Until one day a video ended up in my recommendations and it was a ted talk. I clicked on it not realizing what it was and found that it was a gay christan woman talking about how these two factors don’t have to be mutually exclusive in life. I was riveted, I watched the entire video twice and felt my heart be convicted. God never wanted me to be straight; he never wanted me to change who I was. I loved me how I was. It was the people who had the problem.
The minute Hannah got back to the dorm I came back out to her. Her exact words were “ah so you finally figured that out”. I was so grateful to have her in my life and we talked for hours after that. Not long after I started coming out to people again and in turn Randall came out to us about how he was bisexual as well. I finally felt free again. Going back home that winter was tough, however, it was made better by the support of my friends with regular skype calls and group chat messages. Not to mention since my parents thought I was straight they weren’t pressuring me anymore.
When I went back to school things were still going great and I ended up meeting a girl named Eve in my EMT class. We immediately hit it off and started talking. It wasn’t long before I formed a huge crush on her but she was getting over a break up and I didn’t want to push. Still we became extremely close. Eventually, she did start dating a guy me and Hannah knew from a gamers club on campus. I had missed my shot. Then I went home for spring break and had to stay due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It was hard being away from my friends and stuck in my parents house. Still we all had regular skype D&D sessions and texted a lot on the groupchat.
During the months I was stuck at home I got a job working at the local Home Depot. I was excited to work as it was my first real job. My grandmother had owned a family business but I didn’t do much other than stock shelves there. Here I was a cashier and I enjoyed my job a lot even though it could get crazy. Then one day I was at my register and a fellow coworker I was aware worked in the paint department approached my register with a polar pop and asked where her wife was. I was confused and she noticed I was new and said not to worry about it and have a good day. I watched after her and saw her go up and greet my head cashier who was a female and give her the polar pop before heading back to the paint department. I was astounded.
Not long after I had it confirmed that her and the female head cashier were married. Another cashier came out to me as non-binary and another cashier told me her brother was gay and she’d be the loudest ally ever if anyone tried to mess with me. I felt accepted like nothing else. It was incredible to feel so validated and free to be myself in my workplace.
Going back to school that fall was difficult due to COVID-19. Me and my friends (Polly as well as she began attending college with us that year) could no longer host D&D at my and Hannah’s dorm like we did before because of the regulations. Thankfully Eve came up with a solution. She was the only one of us who lived off campus in a house she rented. We were welcome there anytime. I still had a massive crush on her and when I found out she had broken up with her boyfriend over the summer I almost asked her out. However, another guy had beaten me to it. We ended up going over to Eve’s house multiple times a week and I would go even when the rest of the group wasn’t before long I was sleeping over at her house regularly. Often when it wasn’t even planned. I was even dubbed the most responsible friend by her grandmother who absolutely loved me.
Then her boyfriend at the time dumped her. The entire group rallied to comfort and support her. She took it really hard and I stayed over for a weekend to make sure she was alright. My feelings really started to grow as we got more physically intimate with cuddling and laying in bed together still it was all considered platonic. I really wanted to ask her out but didn’t know when it was too soon. Hannah and Polly both encouraged me to ask her out.
Then another boy showed up in her life. I was greatly concerned and disheartened as their relationship was progressing in her typical pattern. I thought I had missed my chance. However, the boy made a fatal mistake as Eve is demisexual. She doesn’t like moving into physical contact beyond cuddling too quickly if at all and he started to push her to kiss him. She immediately stopped the relationship after he made overt moves that disregarded her clearly made boundaries and he was derogatory toward her.
About one or two weeks later I was over at her house one evening and we were talking about him and dating and life. I finally took a deep breath and told her there was something I needed to tell her and I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. I confessed to her that I liked her and wanted to date her. I didn’t ask her out specifically though because she has told me in the past she has trouble saying no so I left out the question and simply told her how I felt to do with what she felt was right.
She was shocked and immediately started smiling saying she liked me too. I was elated. We talked more about how we had been feeling and how we had both been worried about what the other would say and how she had been blind to my pining which apparently her last serious boyfriend had picked up on and was why he dumped her. (He later told her that he saw how we were together and began to see that me and her fit better than him and her and he wanted us to be together.) We started dating that night and I immediately called Hannah and Polly to tell them the news joking that since I couldn’t tell my parents that I wanted to tell them and they jokingly responded by giving Eve a talking to about not hurting me.
The next couple months were ups and downs but me and Eve had each other to support and our relationship was very steady. One night when I was having a depressive episode because of my school situation (I was failing my virtual classes). I called my brother James to vent to him. While he was comforting me I told him that I had a girlfriend and he was immediately accepting, asking all about her and acting like it was normal until I brought it up specifically her being female. He assured me it didn’t matter and that he still wanted to meet her but wouldn’t tell my parents.
That winter I had to go home again for break which would be a couple months. Eve gave me her spare PS4 and a headset so we could play games together long distance and we spent our last couple days together as much as we could. Prior to me leaving she surprised me with necklaces for us that were each half of the star wars rebels symbol. Her’s had the phrase “I love you” engraved on it and mine had the phrase “I Know”.
That winter I missed her even after going back to work and finding that another character that is a part time drag queen got added to the staff. They also pretty much adopted me and my head cashier came out to me as gender-fluid. All of them were proud to hear I had a girlfriend and I was finally able to tell someone not my family all about her. I missed her a ton. So me and Eve came up with a plan.
After some figuring with my parents she was able to come visit for a couple days between Christmas and New Years as my “good friend”. It was a great time. My three siblings that were there all knew she was my girlfriend, my little sisters having figured it out when the three of us were talking. One of my sister Georgie admitted that she was considering herself to maybe be asexual and my sister Greta (who at one point said being gay was gross) came out to me as also being bisexual. We all are able to support each other.
Eve’s visit went really well and my parents adored her and she adored my parents. Though it was stressful especially right after she left and my grandmother who was visiting asked -- at the dining room table where me, my grandparents, my parents, and all my siblings were sat-- “did your girlfriend leave?” There was a split second where me and my siblings shared a telepathic moment of panic before remembering that in my grandmother’s vernacular she simply meant my friend that was a girl and I simply answered yes.
As winter break moved along I began to discuss other options with my parents about my schooling. With my ADHD and my manner of learning, virtual classes were not working for me. I had failed most of my online classes meanwhile being near the top of my classes in my in person classes. It was an obvious disparity the only exception being my math class which was a hybrid class and I will admit was a failure mostly due to my lack of ability to understand math.
I’d already been considering the idea since my depressive episode calling James who’d been the one to suggest it during the fall semester. But now the conversation was whether or not I would sit out the spring semester. After some discussion and the fact that I didn’t have a job in my college town but did at home and Hannah wouldn’t be coming back to school after graduating early. Meaning I wouldn’t have a roommate. (Polly and me had a fight and are not on speaking terms). The decision was finally made I would not be returning to college in the spring.
It was a hard decision and I had to tell Eve. I took sometime to figure out what I would say since I knew it was going to be hard. Finally I worked out the words and told her that was going to be gone for longer than planned. I knew long distance would be hard and suggest we try to make plans to stay in closer contact with each other that way it wouldn’t be as bad. I’d told her when we first started dating that communication was the most important thing to me in a relationship.
A week passed and we didn’t really discuss it as we were both busy with our individual jobs. Then I got a text from her saying she wanted to talk. The next text I received was her breaking up with me. She said she didn’t want to be the only one making the effort to see each other since she had a car and license and I didn’t. She further said she didn’t want me to feel like I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship since she was into physical intimacy. She’d decided we should break up and that was that. But she still wanted to be friends because she liked my family.
I was very placated in my response. It was a complete shock. Both because it was over text and also it had seemingly come from nowhere. She’d never communicated such feelings to me.
I reassured her that I never felt like I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship. I also told her we could still be friends but that it would take us time to figure out our balance with each other.
I called texted James when it happened and he asked if I was okay. I responded with I don’t know and he immediately called me. We talked for a while and he comforted me about the situation. The next person I told was Alex. They comforted me as well and we figured out a day where we could hang out, watch movies and eat ice cream as the normal break up fix it. I was grateful for both their support.
I was hurt by Eve’s actions. I took a risk bringing her to my home with my parents. If they had found anything out about us. I don’t know what would have happened and to call it quits without even trying to work through it or communicate how she was feeling. It felt like I wasn’t worth the effort of her feelings or time and investment.
I’d made the first draft of this before the break up and the ending had read “I hope one day I will be be to get support from my parents as well but even if I can’t, I hope that I will st least be able to be my true self around them and introduce Eve as my girlfriend”
That’s changed now. I don’t just hope that I can introduce someone as my girlfriend I hope that whoever I bring home will be accepted by my family for who they are and me for who I am. I’m not straight. I never have been. I might marry a man someday I might marry a woman but whoever I bring home. I will still be bisexual and I will never stop trying to be a voice for those who can’t speak up. Once I’m not under my parents roof. I hope I can live my true life and help those who have been muzzled and closeted for far to long as I have.
The lovers got in a fight!!! All it took was a croissant to calm him down though
What Happened?
What happened to us?
What's with all the fuss?
How do you not know why you texted her?
My friend said that it wouldn’t be a good idea to get back with you; I concur
I'm afraid to call you an oaf
Since you still have my loaf
I don’t want to call you a nitwit
Even if that word perfectly fits
I don’t want to call you what you still are
To me what you are seems so far
I don’t want to say
You never really loved me all those days
We had, I had plenty of good thoughts
For you, I unfortunately had the wrong timed hots
No matter how badly you want to get back with me
Well now you'll get to feel how I did when I disagreed
It wasn’t a smart thing to do
This love was true
You literally ruined it for your good
You loved her, I understood
Now without you distracting me
I can get a good degree
You now are going to end up all alone
Even if you try to phone
I'm not going back to my heartbreaker
You were my heart taker
You better never say that I never loved
Last time I believed you when you sent your doves
This break up doesn’t really hurt
It will though, just wait for her dirt!
I’m Done!
I no longer hope youwould just text me
Have you known the whole time that all of this was to happen?
Fallen out of love is exactly what I have done
Out of the k-i-s-s-i-n-g tree I have run
Of course in the back of my head I knew
Love, I do not miss you
With this relationship, I'm done!
You knew, didn't you?
But I was naive enough to let myself fall
I don’t have a hard time when I see you in the hall
Still, I can’t believe that I got over you
Hope is how I know I can do
You'd better not stay with her or,
Text her and tell her that you love her
Me without you is like a bladder without piss
Like it or not, it doesn't get better than this
You were such a bad boy
Did you never realize that I wasn't just a toy?
With this poem
Alex won't be upset
Not Again
Lost in forever To ever stop loving me you'd say never Then your forever's turned into never's Your endeavors turned into feathers Feathers that floated away When you used to say that you'd stay My smiles went away for miles While I'll burn my files, Of every second I spent thinking about you And every time you stayed for set after school I'll go back to my rules for fools I won't sit in my pity pools of tools People don’t realize that you're spoiled Even though this relationship you burnt and boiled Hun, you have someone who you can go to while you run I'm stuck here without the fun; I don't have anyone to protect me from my own gun The gun you didn't see, You pointed at me If you ever come back you better pack You don’t have the knack of begging on your knee; if you try to your face I will whack I can’t believe I fell for you twice You didn't catch me and now I'm paying the price She never knew or will be able to comprehend the way I loved you You are discluded from my thought stew; it's time for me to make another brew I find this poem shameful It’s also painful I was clever and never said forever I know that nothing lasts forever, not even love, Especially not your love!
Kaylor fights and/or break-ups
Grab some tissues. It hits different 😭 ____________________________________
In May 2015, a blind item came out that said Karlie was moving things out from Taylor's apartment.
2020: Five years later in the song EXILE, Taylor referred to this fight that they supposedly had in the same way.
In 2019, Taylor on the album LOVER made it clear that her muse is from the USA, that New York screams her muse's name and that her muse has a garden gate in the West Village Karlie is from the USA, New York screams her name and she had a garden gate in the West Village.
That place was very special for their relationship because Taylor was seen there very often and she moved to New York and bought an apartment near there to hang out with Karlie in her apartment.
2019: A month after the album LOVER came out, Karlie sold her apartment in the West Village which has a garden gate.
👇👇 READ ON 👇👇 READ ON
And a year later (2020), in EXILE Taylor refers to this by saying that this person was her town, but that she is now in exile watching this person out (??selling their special place and moving out??)
I think I've seen this film before. And I didn't like the ending. You're not my homeland anymore. So what am I defending now? You were my town. Now I'm in exile, seein' you out. I think I've seen this film before.
YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN single was released on June 14, 2019
On June 25, 2019 a blind item came out saying that if Taylor wanted to come out, she couldn't mention Karlie:
And also Karlie did an interview about how much she enjoyed her new life and Taylor is briefly mentioned in it as one of her "friends", as if she was just a wrinkle
And a year later - 2020 - Taylor would refer to this in CLOSURE saying that her lover is now enjoying a new life and how Taylor feels that she is a wrinkle or something that could ruin the new life that person has built without her
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME (2020): I could feel the mascara run. You told me that you met someone. Glass shattered on the white cloth. Everybody moved on. I, I stayed there.
In 2018 and 2019, Karlie had two weddings and even though Taylor was invited, she didn't attend, she said absolutely nothing about it and Taylor's team just said she was too busy
October 2018: But the same day or the next (it's confusing because of the time zones) of the first wedding Taylor sang I KNEW YOU WERE TROUBLE completely sad as a surprise song. Taylor and Karlie met when Taylor was performing that song
Two years later - 2020 - Taylor would refer to these weddings in EVERMORE. In RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME Taylor sings about how the person she used to love left her and shortly there after married and built a new life without her
In this song there is a clear reference to a tradition in Jewish Weddings. Glass shattered on the white cloth. Karlie converted to Judaism and had a Jewish Wedding
"Hair pin drop": We all know that this line is gay and what it means in this context is that Taylor's silence and her not attending Karlie's two weddings was something that confirmed that there was something more than a friendship between them
Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it. She's still 23 inside her fantasy. How it was supposed to be. Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion? Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it. She's still 23 inside her fantasy. And you're sitting in front of me.
Taylor was 23 when she became Karlie's bff.
CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS (2020) is about how Taylor lost her golden muse because she wasn't ready to get married and how she watched this person walk away not knowing what to do
"One for the money two for the show" Karlie had two weddings and this phrase appears in the photoshoot they did together in 2014
In HAPPINESS (2020), Taylor tells how she spent seven years with this person and how she felt like she was in heaven. Taylor wrote this song a month after it was seven years since she met Karlie
This is a clear reference to Karlie because in REPUTATION and LOVER, Taylor relates heaven and religion to this person. Karlie was a Victoria's Secret Angel
HITS DIFFERENT (2022): Dreams of your hair and your stare and sense of belief. In the good in the world, you once believed in me. And I felt you and I held you for a while. Bet I could still melt your world. Argumentative, antithetical dream girl. // Movin' on was always easy for me to do. It hits different (Yeah). It hits different 'cause it's you.
Are all the Eras tour BETTY stories true? Taylor already said Betty is the love of James' life. James had to fight to get Betty back! And she believes in a Happy End. (SEE THIS LINK)
Are we getting a Kaylor reunion or was that it...?! Anything to add?
(most parts by lavenderfishboy!)
after you leave, i fall in love with everything.
with winged eyeliner and oak trees,
the rain and my own sanity. for a moment,
i catch myself thinking—is this what true love
feels like? and maybe it is. maybe it is.
life is so much simpler when your heart breaks. you don't need to eat cause you're never hungry, your crying-induced migraine makes you go to bed earlier, no need to spend hours on makeup, you suddenly love going to work, you hang out with your friends every day, you walk a lot so you don't have to think. pretty practical huh
i don't even care about the heartbreak, i'll get over it. right now it hurts a lot that he won't be part of my life anymore, but i will get over that too eventually (i hope). the worst thing about this breakup is that i'm just scared as hell something is going to happen to him because the government of the country he is leaving me for is fucking crazy and unpredictable. that's literally it. how do i stop worrying? when will i finally stop caring?
stupid tumblr quality
Does anyone else hate the phrase “he broke your heart” or “aww how dare he hurt you” because I HATE IT.
No was has the power to hurt me and it’s ridiculous that people assume that I’m weak enough for someone who didn’t deserve my kindness to walk all over me and “break my heart”.
Only you control who has that power and it sure as hell ain’t someone who isn’t respectful.
I. Think. Not.
Let It Burn
In the heart of Washington, D.C., the air was thick with tension as Kamala Harris sat in her office, surrounded by the memories of a life once filled with laughter and love. The walls, adorned with accolades and reminders of her achievements, seemed to close in on her as she awaited Y/n’s arrival. Today would change everything.
Y/n entered the office, the subtle clatter of heels echoing in the quiet space. Their eyes met, and for a brief moment, Kamala saw the familiar warmth that had first drawn her to Y/n. But today, that warmth felt distant, replaced by an air of resolve that made Kamala’s stomach twist.
“Y/n, I—” Kamala began, but Y/n held up a hand, cutting her off gently.
“Kamala, we need to talk.” The strength in Y/n’s voice silenced the room, bringing the weight of impending heartbreak into stark focus.
As they settled into the plush chairs opposite each other, Y/n took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us...about our family.” There was a tremor in Y/n's voice, one that didn’t go unnoticed by Kamala. “The kids...they need stability, and they need both of us, not just parts of us.”
Kamala’s heart sank, knowing this conversation had been looming for some time. Juggling her role as vice president and being a partner and mother had become increasingly challenging. “I know things have been tough,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “But I’m doing this for our future.”
Y/n shook their head, a sadness etched across their features. “Is that really what you think? That your job comes before us? Before them?” They reached into their bag, pulling out a manila envelope. “I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay when it’s not.”
With trembling hands, Y/n slid the envelope across the table towards Kamala. The gravity of the moment struck Kamala like a physical blow. She opened it slowly, her eyes scanning the pages. Divorce papers. The words blurred as tears threatened to spill. “Y/n, please… let’s talk about this.”
“There’s nothing left to discuss. I can’t raise our kids alone while you’re consumed by your career,” Y/n said, their voice heavy with emotion. “They want to live with me. They need more than what you can give right now.”
Kamala felt her chest tighten, the reality of the situation crashing down on her. “You know how much I love them. I’m doing this for our future!” she pleaded, desperation creeping into her tone.
“But at what cost, Kamala?” Y/n’s voice cracked, the pain evident in their eyes. “You’re here, but you’re not really here. The kids feel it, and so do I. I need to prioritize them, and I can’t do that if you’re always chasing a dream that takes you further away from us.”
The silence that hung between them was thick and suffocating. Kamala wanted to argue, to fight for her marriage, but deep down, she knew Y/n was right. The late nights, the missed family dinners, and the increasing distance had created a rift that felt impossible to bridge.
“Please don’t do this,” Kamala finally whispered, her voice breaking.
Y/n looked at her, a mixture of sorrow and determination in their gaze. “I have to, Kamala. For the kids. For my own sanity.” They paused, taking a deep breath, trying to remain steady amidst the turmoil. “I hope one day you can understand.”
As Y/n gathered their things, preparing to leave the office—and the life they had built together—Kamala felt the weight of her choices pressing down upon her. In the pursuit of her ambitions, she had lost sight of what truly mattered. As the door clicked shut behind Y/n, leaving her alone in the silence of the office, Kamala Hart bordered on the edge of her career and her heart, caught in the painful realization of what she had sacrificed.
In the coming weeks, the impact of the divorce would echo through her life, a reminder that no amount of success could fill the void left by the love and family she had taken for granted. And as she sat in solitude, staring at the framed photographs that once brought her joy, she understood that this was just the beginning of a long journey of healing and reflection, one that would test her in ways she never anticipated.
Anger is easier to confront than sadness.
Fuck you is easier to say than I still love you.
You caused the unholy war between my head and my heart.
– p.n.
It felt like Sunday after a long time.No alarms,no missed breakfast,no heading to the subway in a rush,no smoking with colleagues.Called a friend whom I ditched with a dinner party,my mother cooked me my favourite meal and I was full . Peeled an orange and drove to the vegetable market. The weather was hot and the day was slow. And this is what I wanted since a very long time.
"In the evening,I heard you listening to music,it was hollywood. Cool music and you enjoyed it without me. I was alone in the next room,and you enjoyed the music and smoking a cigarette.You looked happier and in PEACE.
I think, peace was missing in us.
- hopeless romanticism (100 quotes from the breakup
Will I ever forgive myself for being pathetic in love? For being sick and sad all the time.
- hopeless romanticism ( 100 quotes from the breakup)
We walked in the garden
Of love in my heart
Where everything should be
Wilting
But the damn flowers
Refuse to die
There was so much more
That i should have said
So i look at the sky
And scream to the stars
The words that would've
Made you stay
Oh my god please tell me this is a joke. People perceiving my bpd as manipulation has torn my life apart and I just lost the love of my life to it. This disorder ruins my life. It took him away from me. And I’m so fucking tired of it.
I really don’t understand why so many borderlines are so afraid of unintentionally being manipulative.
You guys lemme just tell you that my ex girlfriend who cheated on me like three years ago just texted me out of nowhere yesterday and said "hey we're learning about mutually assured destruction in our senior year high school class and just wanted to say that's what being in a relationship with you felt like" and I was emotionally destroyed but damn that was a good one. Will probably use it on someone else later.