Crack - Blog Posts
Ahsoka *in the council room*: …So why are we here?
Mace Windu: I need to ask you - both of you - a favor.
Anakin: What? You need someone hurt?
Mace: No-
Anakin: Do you need someone to disappear? Because I can-
Mace: NO!
ok as amazing as Twilight of Apprentice was how funny would it have been if Ahsoka was just beyond done with Anakin’s bullshit™ and just screamed “FUCK OFF SKYGUY” everytime she saw Vader
“The man you knew as Anakin Skywalker is de-”
“Cut the shit, Anakin, I know it’s you. You just flew in standing on top of your TIE fighter and there’s only one fucker in the galaxy who’s that extra”
omg leaked season 7 footage of tcw!! siege of mandalore looks so good
GOD star wars: the clone wars (2008-2014) was the absolute fucking BEST. u do absolutely not get anymore buckwild than the insane range of emotions that these seven seasons can put u thru. obi-wan commits a war crime in the first episode. anakin drinks a space martini. a sixteen-year-old decapitates four men in a single second and it is literally never mentioned again. anakin, obi-wan, and mace windu find SPACE GODZILLA and the entire jedi order collectively drinks We Love Peta™ juice, decide not to kill it, bring it to the capital city, and it breaks out (ofc) and kills, like, a half million people. sheev just hangs out in padme’s office for six whole seasons being, i dunno, evil and absolutely not a single person catches on. there’s a blue guy in a dope-ass big hat who beats every single jedi’s ass and they still only call him, “that guy in the hat.” darth maul’s been living in a literal garbage dump with eight legs for the past ten years. anakin endorses state-sponsored terrorism. padme once contracted the black death. the jedi order tries to prosecute a twelve-year-old for war crimes. maul is forcibly murdered two (2) times over and still lives for some bananas fucking reason. whenever anakin does something mildly risky the darth vader theme plays. yoda asks anakin if they’re friends. the jedi order tries to prosecute a sixteen-year-old for war crimes. a cartoon made for twelve-year-olds has a four-episode arc about government oversight of international banking. this all happens in the range of three years. this show is absolutely fucking nuts.
ahsoka photobombing rex and cody
old old piece i never finished that i started when i heard clone wars was returning! i think i meant obi and anakin to be in it too but alas
Is it just me or is this Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano, like.... young-ish mentor who is totally ridiculous but also helpful while teaching Ahsoka to murder people....
The only thing that doesn’t fit is that Ahsoka totally thinks Anakin’s a dope.
No more wise old mentors. From now on your mentor options are
1. old mentor that turns out to have at least the same amount of chaotic dumbass energy as the protagonist
2. mentor that is the same age or younger than the protagonist and is only in the position of mentor because they have experience with one specific thing, but in every other respect they are just as young and dumb as the protagonist is
I have a lot of feelings about the kenobi-skywalker-tano family and their daily interactions like
you can’t tell me that at one point anakin and ahsoka didn’t grow bored during a mission and started debating among themselves who’s obi-wan’s favourite and the arguments are getting more and more ridiculous like ‘yesterday he patted me on the shoulder absently so obviously he unconsciously prefers me’ ‘excuse you I’m his only padawan and I’m pretty sure he almost laughed at one of my jokes about windu’s butt 4 years ago’
and obi-wan is sitting right next to them
of course at one point he feels the need to stop all of this nonsense with ‘this debate is ridiculous and unworthy of jedi. Ahsoka made me a cup of tea this morning so of course she’s my favourite right now.’
the level of betrayal on anakin’s face can only be compared to the level of glee on ahsoka’s face
but the worst is when ahsoka is away on a mission by herself and anakin can’t help worrying, even when rex tries to make him feel better: ‘she’s going to be fine sir, we need to trust her. I mean, she is general kenobi’s favourite after all’
anakin stays outraged and gasping and only whispers ‘et tu, brute?’ every time he sees rex for the next three days
Listen Captain Jack Harkness doesn’t forget a bitch and u know he heard Rose and Nine talking about Platform 1 and the end of Earth and u know the Face of Boe made his attendants take him not to see the world end but for Drama of it all he rolled in there in his tank like “sup bitches the Face of Boe is here to watch my boyfriend and girlfriend from five billion years ago fuck shit up bc I missed this adventure the first time round and you better believe I’m not missing it again” because Jack Harkness doesn’t forget bitch even in five billion years
are you ever on your phone looking at gay shit and then your parent starts coming towards you, so you keep scrolling down to try and get the gay shit off of your feed and then realise there is no escape and you’re actually scrolling through a bottomless pit of gay shit?
Me @ Lucasfilm it’s not that hard you guys
okay i know Hardeen was a Terrible arc for everyone involved, but what if Obi Wan had told Anakin about faking his death? Anakin’s like no worries dude I Got This, except he really. does not,,
the only reason his “acting” is remotely believable is because almost no one has seen him like this before, so it must be due to all the grief and loss and heartbreak and anger and whatnot
he starts by sobbing over Obi Wan’s supposedly dead body for a solid two hours when Obi gets shot down. “LOOK at him, so cold and Lifeless. D: HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WARM AND FULL OF LIFE, SNIPS. I know last week I checked his pulse because he was meditating so calmly I thought he passed away in his sleep, BUT HE’S USUALLY SO WARM AND FULL OF LIFE.”
It goes on until Anakin has finished everything on his painstakingly written Outline from last night. At least half of Coruscant hears part of this speech. Mace sends Obi the security footage later, at a time he knows Anakin will be there to sit through it with Obi, because if we had to suffer then you do too, Obi Wan.
then at the funeral, Anakin pulls out a twenty foot scroll of real actual paper, because he would appreciate this, I think, and clears his throat loudly and messily before telling the council that he has prepared a few words for the greatest jedi this order, nay, this GALAXY has ever seen, and will ever see, no matter how long any of us live—
five hours later,, he’s still going strong. half the eulogy is Terrible and V Cringeworthy, but the other half is actually v heartfelt and moving. even Mace and Yoda have to blink away some tears.
it becomes easier after Anakin starts going into Unnecessary Details about obi wan’s life, like how he’ll miss holding onto those heavy 327 thread count woolen robes when he’s saving obi’s ass (curvature 48.5 degrees) for the 23094th time, and how he’ll never see a more sincere expression of Compassion than he saw when reading line 83 of Obi Wan’s eighth letter to Duchess Satine last month, quoted now as follows—
Ahsoka enlists Plo Koon’s help and they finally shuffle him over to the side, promising him they can finish his fake eulogy at the council dinner tonight. Obi Wan’s death may be fake, but MY WORDS ARE REAL, SNIPS, HOW DARE YOU. says Anakin, before he (a little gleefully) starts destroying the walls to show how Emotionally Compromised he is over this 100% real death.
he takes the 212th drinking, after having told all of them, too. so now there are 293637 men crying about Obi Wan (relatable af, y/y), all of which have the acting talent of a wilted blade of grass. there are 283747 toasts, and every single person there cries for each and every one of them, despite everyone knowing obi is still alive
Random clone from the 501st: It’s amazing how stupid Jedi are tho? Like?? I watch General Skywalker?? Just eat an entire ration bar?? Without taking off the packaging?
Other 501st: Yeah. Ahsoka keeps sleeping under the hot coils in the engine room because her room isn’t warm enough. You know, she could just put some more clothes on?? But I guess not.
212th clone: Sometimes General Kenobi stays awake for like 10 days straight and has to be bribed to sleep. Also that incident where he ate nothing but toast for two months straight and gave himself scurvy.
Clones from literally any other squadron ever: Hey, um, wtf?
The Official Jedi view on politics is that they try not to interfere and do not trust politicians, but if they are running out of options on how to settle an issue they will tell Padme Amidala what is going on and just unleash her onto their problems
comedians: it's so difficult to be funny nowadays without sjws getting offended
robert pattinson, without an inch of effort:
Things that have been said at least once in Wayne Manor:
1. “Don’t you dare jump out of that window—ah, shit, he went up the drainpipe instead.”
2. “Hey, do you still want the link to that Justice League gangbang I saw on pornhub?”
3. “The best way to deal with bullies in Gotham is to meet them behind the dumpster and remind them that nobody loves them. They’re too used to getting punched.”
4. “Bruce once did a line of cocaine off Hal Jordan’s ass on a mission and I can prove it.”
5. “If you bite him again, I’m taking you both to the hospital and getting you rabies shots. Yes, even if it’s through his sleeve!”
6. “No, Bruce doesn’t wake up until noon on Tuesdays. How do I know? Because that’s when Grey’s Anatomy does reruns, dipshit.”
7. “That’s not a wrong number, that’s my weed dealer.”
Me, plunking Stinky Bastard Man’s carrier on the counter: hi he’s here for shots and a nail trim and he’ll need to be sedated
Nurse: Are you sure? We can try-
Me: he needs to be sedated
Nurse: Well, it’ll take longer-
Me: he needs to be sedated, he will try to rip your face off
Nurse: Well we’ll try without first and we’ll let you know if we need to sedate
Me, watching her carry him away: you will need to sedate him
Nurse, coming back 10 minutes later clutching her hand: so, we will need to sedate him
Me:
i’ve had a realization and i’m sure it’s been done before but-
millennial depression:
vs
gen z depression:
