Crack - Blog Posts

ice having to listen to yet another admiral yelling about some shit mav did:

30 ways to... discipline your husband (but not really we all know that......👀)

Original sketches

Oh look it's strawberry🍓

Lmao! I just laughed so hard at this I interrupted my partner’s essential work (it’s okay, she laughed, too)

"DO BETTER!" Says Now Televised Fanboy

He, Dash Baxter is a Phan-Stan!! It's kinda his thing. See, he's a fancy ass talk show host now. Married Paulie, moved out of Amity, actually DID something with his life. His parents? Did not approve. Long n short of it? He got kicked out.

Paulie's parents were PISSED.

Retaliated by giving him all the help he needed getting EVERY scholarship he qualified for. He went to a really nice college. Missed his girlfriend like mad. But she was off in Metropolis, terrifying weaker men. Conquering the fashion scene.

And SOMEHOW? Thanks to that long talk he had with Phantom (*incoherent fanboy gibbering noises* SO COOL!) he's worked to be... more of a LEADER, you know? Less of an asshole. Cause he's popular. People copy him. He can't be an asshole.

So, somehow, when he's punching out some try-hard that thinks he's hot shit for bullying a Nerd? He and the nerd get talking, right? Cause the guy got his glasses completely fucked up. And it's what Phantom would do.

But GET THIS? Guy's never HEARD of Phantom! Is super curious, cause he runs a small time Hero's show on the web. And, Dude? Is it your LUCKY DAY! Cause you just met THE number 1 fan of Phantom, hands down!! He makes his VERY spirited case, about why Phantom is THE best Hero to ever have lived. And this guy?

Entranced.

In AWE.

Just straight up BEGS him to join his show. Cause apparently? He was BORN for it. Which? Yeah. He HAS been giving speechs to the team for YEARS now. And Talking at fan meet ups. Leading fan meet ups. Hosting parties... actually, now that he thinks about it? He DOES do a lot of public speaking? Huh.

But still, he's about to say "no", when?

Dude mentions? He'll get to talk about Phantom.

SOLD!

It. Blows. Up. Absolutely EVERYONE is in love with his pretty face, hot bod, and STRONG opinions. But they ALSO have no idea who Phantom is! Paulie! This is CRIMINAL! Horrifying! What is going ON!?

Some bullshit information black out, apparently. At least according to her... friendly Nemesis? The Goth Dweeb. Who's engaged, apparently? So good for her. Unsurprisingly, it's too the OTHER Dweebs, but still. Bout time she started planning to drag them to a court house. She's the only one with any spine in that group! If she waited for THEM to propose?

Not even as Ghosts, man.

They'd get distracted by shiny nerd shit and whimp out.

Still... a world where NO ONE knows how Awesome, Phantom is? Not on HIS watch!

So he works it in. To every segment. It becomes "his thing". Oh? Super man saved a kitten from a tree? Cute. Well PHANTOM saved a bus full of Ghost Puppies from a shady, rouge, Goverment agency. Do BETTER, Superman!

The Flash, who is a cheap knock-off and stole his name, took down an Ice Villian? Adorable! PHANTOM stopped a Rouge WINTER SPIRIT with the help of YETI WARRIORS then assisted in giving FREE medical care for anyone who needed it! Here's a picture of him making GHOST ICE SNOWMEN for small children! Do BETTER, Knock-off!

What's THAT you say? Wonder Woman fought a GOD in down town paris?

Excellent work Wonder Woman. Flawless as always. But YOU, god-boy, are a disappointment! All that power! And WHAT do you use it for? Are you even supposed to BE here?? PHANTOM uses his power to HELP people! Is awesome and knows TONS of better gods! You're just salty you didn't make the cut!

DO BETTER!

And obviously? No one believes him. There's no record of this "Phantom" guy. The pictures look fantastical and vaguely glitchy/glowy. Not quite right. They GOTTA be photo shopped. Manipulated somehow. But? As a shtick? A fake "perfect Superhero" is kinda funny and unique.

And it's one hell of Fake Hero!

A Dead Champion? Who fights gods and monsters? Rouge agencies? Sassy and tragic? With a mysterious past? Pretty cool! There's even an Offical Comic from some guy that went to the same high-school as Baxter!

Of course, as Baxter get more and more popular? The "meme" hero, Phantom, get more well known? People get more interested in where Dash grew up. You know, just a bored Google. Maybe see if the hero was based off a local legend or something. But... huh...

The Town website?

Weirdly? Sanitized.

Like... like aggressively sanitized. All smooth edges and no details. Very "move along, citizen". Ha ha... it's part of the joke right? They get it! They'll just look up local restaurants or som-....

Wait...

Hey, guuuuys?

Are you finding ANYTHING?

And! Nothing. And I do mean NOTHING! Triggers the "oh? Secrets???" Instincts of a Hacker, like finding a hard blank wall of "KEEP OUT". Especially when it's somewhere it rightfully shouldn't BE.

All it would take? Is ONE person, of decent skills and an account on Certain Forums, getting bored enough to Google the Dude On The TV(TM)? For the GIW's lil walls to come crashing down. Because yeah, you can stop ONE hacker. Even two. Probably five or six.

But how about thousands?

Hundreds of thousands?

From every time zone. Competing. Just to see what you HAVE and don't want them to see. Maybe they do something with it, maybe they don't. But fuck it, you're being RUDE and now they're CURIOUS. And THEN? Oh. Oh holy shit.

Not a meme.

Very real.

Not a joke.

The walls come crumbling down, down, down. Ripped apart by hundreds of hands. Emails sent to every sort of agency. The JLU line inundated with emergency tips. Not a joke. Not A Joke. Holy Shit, IT WASN'T A JOKE!

Phantom is REAL!

And there, on TV, stands the Man. The signal FINALLY breaching containment. Fighting off the invading God of the week. Built like statue, hair like an aurora borealis of white fire held almost delicately in place by a CROWN of ice, a suit made of void and starlight. Inhuman. Beyond human.

Here to help.

A laugh that crackles like ice and the snap of winter, rolls through the air like coming storms, rich and somehow warm. A smile that bares teeth, yet turns so KIND when he looks upon humanity, as though we are precious and worth fighting for. A living star.

A... a once living star.

And in the center of it all? Wearing his BESPOKE, custome made, Number 1 Phan full body outfit? That's right. Dash Baxter. Ha! You fuckers doubted him! Behold his blorbo and WEEP, ya fuckin casuals! The BESTEST of boys! The FINEST of Heros! Superman? Could NEVER.

And now? The weather!

@babbling-babull @nerdpoe @the-witchhunter @ailithnight @hypewinter @hdgnj @mutable-manifestation

this is *sniff* truly beautiful

hit the tumblr image limit but you can find the full presentation here 

enjoy!!

listen to this while you read it for the full experience

I can totally imagine that at some point a few of them, prolly Wild, Wind and maybe Warriors out of pettiness, went around whatever Hyrule they were in and ‘tested’ a bunch of doors to try and find a superior door to Legend’s. (spoiler alert they can’t it is after all the Master Door) Legend just sits smugly in the background cause while he may not be happy about the door and resulting teasing he’s sure as hell gonna take pride in having the best door.

(@technicallya1manband @tortilla-of-courage @sky-squido)

in reference to the chain fic

just realized that when Ravio returns home to find the door gone and multiple items missing from Legend’s house, it’s going to look like some one robbed the place

I wrote a thing

Aaron opens the door to the smell of burnt grilled cheese and the sound of his husband singing in the kitchen. Aaron smiles softly, putting his gun away before making his way to the kitchen quietly. The song the younger man was singing was not in English so Aaron had no idea what it was. There was a half empty bottle of whine on the counter and the stench of the burnt bread was horrible.

“Started without me?” Aaron asks, leaning on the door frame.

Spencer whipped around, his hair falling over his face. The movement made the usually graceful man fall over.

“Aaron!” Spencer’s face lights up.

Aaron’s smile gets bigger but his eyes zero in on the paper in Spencer’s hand.

“What’s that?”  

“Hm? Oh nothing. Do you know where the lighter is?” “Why do you need a lighter-”

Spencer digs in a drawer and triumphantly pulls out an orange lighter.

“Aha!”

“Spencer Hotchner-Reid. Put the lighter down and give me the paper.”

“You aren’t my boss at home!” Spencer argues stubbornly, trying to get the lighter to light, but his fumbling hands weren’t working.

“Spencer-”

Annoyed, Spencer threw the lighter down and dug out a match book. He struck the match and managed to get the corner before Aaron jerked the paper from his hands. He puts out the fire and looks at the paper. It was their marriage license.

“Spencer, honey, why are you trying to burn our marriage license?” Aaron wasn’t sure if he was more confused or amused.

“Good luck returning me without the receipt!” Spencer says, hands on his hips.

Aaron was dumb struck. What brought this on?

“Why would I want to return you?”

“Um...well…” Spencer shrugged. “Good luck keeping me without proof of purchase!”

Aaron tilts his head. What in hell was going on? He was pulled from his wanderings when Spencer snatched the paper and barrels past him. Aaron stumbles back a little then takes off after him.

“Spencer!”

Aaron runs after him. The chase went around the couch and coffee table before Spencer darted down the hall towards the bedroom. Spencer may be lanky but Aaron was completely sober so he had the advantage.He manage to catch Spencer by knocking him onto the bed. The young man fell with an “oof” and a chorus of giggles. Aaron grabbed ahold of the paper.

“Spencer give it to me.”

“You can’t make me!” Spencer grins.

“Spencer-”

“You’re really bossy. You know that?”

“It’s in my job description. Now give me-”

“And grumpy.”

Aaron narrows his eyes.

“I am not grumpy.” He scoffs.

“You totally are. Mr. Grumpy.” Spencer laughs again.

Aaron sighs softly. Drunk Spencer was something else, that’s for sure.

“Please give me the paper?” He tried.

“It’s mine too! You don’t have to hog it.” Spencer hugs the paper to his chest.

“I’m trying to keep you from ruining it!”

“Boo. Party pooper.”

Aaron sighs again and rubs the bridge of his nose. Okay so asking wasn’t going to work. He grips the paper with his thumb and forefinger, trying to pull it free.

“NO!”

‘Spence-”

“It’s mine!”

RRIIIIPPPP

Both men’s eyes go wide.

“You broke it. Oooo you’re in trouble.” Spencer whispers, holding up the other half.

“You-”

“You’re grounded.”

“Excuse me?!?”

“You ripped the paper.”

“You are the one that took it from me.” Aaron protests.

“You took it from me first!”

“Yeah because you were trying to burn it.”

“You’re the one that left it in my reach.”

“You-I-” Aaron just shakes his head. “You are impossible.”

“You married me.” Spencer smiled.

“Yeah. I have proof of purchase.” Aaron chuckles, kissing him softly. “We’ll have to go get a new one tomorrow you know.”

“Later. ‘M sleepy.”

Who did NOT have a crush on Tom Riddle back then? Now's that's a fucking problem.

Regulus had a crush on X, Y, Z- girl Regulus had a crush on Voldemort THAT WAS THE PROBLEM-

So the other night I had a dream that one day certain Horror Icons ended up getting Disney princess powers by getting animals to love them and getting them to the killings for them cause in reality deer and swans look cute but are actually murderous fuckers. Here’s how I think that went

-Billy Loomis finds out due to a raven landing on his shoulder one day and soon discovers that he can just control animals just by singing to them but it’s more Phantom of the Opera than typical Disney songs(Skeet Ulrich singing Christine’s parts in think of me cmon just picture it) and of course nobody’s gonna believe a rabbit killed some douchebag jock with its squirrel friend and they see him with Stu and they try to get them together like picnic dates and making a gothic sun dress for Billy just to see him and Stu together

-Carrie White is of course surprised that bunnies and sheep that come to see her but their great company. Especially the doves that come by her windows to greet her and of course helping Carrie with her dress design and while she’s at prom they make sure to get the jump on Margaret and Chris giving her a good night out

-Jennifer Check has no idea why the bats in her attic are now suddenly friendly towards her but she just thinks it’s her demon powers but also goats that escape the local farm just to see her but Needy finds out and she just thinks it’s adorable and of course the animals trying to get them together especially the swans she somehow managed to befriend

-Patrick Bateman one day waking up to find a four course breakfast meal on the table and coming home to find the dishes washed and put away and his disgust when he finds out it was the mice, pigeons and sewer gators of New York City but figures could have a good use for them. Alligators with their pigeon friends have a good use for rivals of Bateman and they are good help around the house

-Ash Williams is just having an average day to his job to S-Mart til he finds a deer trying to give him a flower when he wakes and a snake picking out his clothes for him to get ready but hey he’s seen weirder. But that doesn’t mean he enjoys it. I mean think like can’t get a moments rest without some rats trying to cook him dinner or a wolf licking him in the face to get up in the morning or raccoon and hares cleaning his house. He’s not sure what the necronomican says about this but he’ll be damned if he lets this continue

-Baby Firefly wakes up one day to an armadillo brushing her hair and vultures bringing her roadkill but whatever she thinks it’s cute no matter what Otis or Spaulding say about it

Yes the other horror icons are making fun of them cause why would they get Disney princess powers when their HORROR icons but even they don’t know how they got these powers

I need Bruce doing things he believes is completely out of character for Batman just to scare people. Like full on just putting Brucie into Batman as revenge against the annoyances he’s received.

Hal walks into the meeting room early for once and sees Batman kicking his feet a doodling in his lead lined notebook with a sparkly gel pen.

Hal: “uhhh”

Batman: “Hi GL~”

Hal: flees

By the time the meeting comes around Batman is once again the stoic scary man he always is. Hal is half convinced that it was a hallucination of some kind, maybe lack of sleep or that bagel that Barry dared him to eat.

The meeting ends and everyone is just hanging out. Hal goes over to talk to Barry when he swears he hears Batman’s voice say “no one will ever believe you” in his ear. Hal doesn’t sleep well for a week.

(Batman is very smug about it, that’s what he deserves for eating his bagel. Alfred made the spread for it.)

THROWING IT BACK ON HIM. I’m feeling ROMANTICAL 😈

KAEYA, ZHONGLI, DILUC, CHILDE, SCARACOOCHIE, ALBEDO

cw. suggestive, please don’t mastrubate to this!! take those fingers out yo bootyhole and spray em with Lysol. NEOW

ac. pnkkr4mune on twt;;

DILUC doesn’t know what the fuck to do.. 😭😭 His hand is flying everywhere. Man’s going places‼️ Is he supposed to? Hold your..⁉️ Is it even respectful. HES LOOKING AWAY AS BEST AS HE CAN‼️ WHILE HIS HANDS SEARCH FOR SOME BADONK DONK… while keeping a 6 inch social distancing. Respect 💪💪

KAEYA is grinding at that shit. Fookin delicious. Man’s in those skinny jeans GETTING IT ‼️‼️ He’s ur hype man, doesn’t matter if ur a stranger, friend, fiancee. TO HELL WITH IT 🤬⁉️⁉️ he probably has an erectile dysfunction from those skinny jeans but HES RECEIVING ASS PRETTYY WELL..

ZHONGLI puts his hands on your hips, and puts his head on your shoulder, and closes his eyes. WE THROWING OUT OUR DUMPITY DUMP TRUCK AND UR GONNA.. CLOSE UR EYES⁉️⁉️ THE FUCKING AUDACITY 🤬🤬 if his voice didn’t sound like literal sex, that bitch would’ve been DEAD. 😇

CHILDE hypes you up, like kaeya but he’s secretly a virgin 😭⁉️ this man gets NO bitches. ZERO PLAY 🤣👎⁉️ HE SAYS HE KNOWS WHAT HES DOING AND FEELS U UP… but in reality he’s shitting himself. HE DOESNT KNOW WHAT HES DOINN 😭😭 he tries escaping through the bathroom window. Let’s hope ur into edging, bc that man is an ajaxulate and evacuate kinda guy

SCARAMOUCHE slaps ur ass and slutshames u. NOT LIKE… sexist shi but sexy stuff yk. Romantic fr⁉️💞💞 But tbh he’s actually VERY embarrassed and his red ears are covered by his hair. DAMN THAT BOWLCUT🤬🤬 probably halfway in, he hurts your feelings and you have to stop him.

ALBEDO asks u wtf ur doing. Like. IM TRYNA SEDUCE U 🙄🙄‼️‼️ mating call yk. He probably records it for “research purposes”.. He just stares at ur ass. It’s very awkward, I suggest throwing urself off a bridge. 💞💞

Omg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 That's one of the funniest fanfics I have read in some time 😂😂😂😂😂😂

I really like fanfics that are in a "video style" and being with Pedro?? Everything to me

(Not At All) Secretly Into You

Pedro Pascal x Reader

Summary: Pedro thinks the best way to be slick about his crush on you is to be 100% unabashed about it. Ha ha! No one will expect that he has feelings for you if he's outright about it!

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: gender neutral reader, Actor/Actress!reader, the use of y/n T_T, dummy!pedro, fluff, crackfic, typos, etc.

A/N: i cant help myself. i just head empty only pedro look at this gif people. take a good long look at him. what is it about him that has us in such a chokehold? i think this is the tipping point of humanity. what is it about him that has us like this? 😩 HES SO STUPID AND DUMMY HELLO?! he needs to be stopped. he needs to be jailed. or better yet SOMEONE MARRY HIM SO THAT WE INHERETLY GO OH SHIT ITS OVER SOMEONE WON T_T thank you for reading my little rant Tagging: @pinksirensong @aralezinspace @sloanexx @amis-love-bugs @top1bbgloak

Let me set the scene for you It's a cold, rainy day. There's a person all alone in their bedroom. They're bored AF. They look up, 'movies to watch 2023', and finds a film they're interested in. It's staring Pedro Pascal & [Y/N]. It's good. So good. Too good. It becomes their personality. They begin to hyperfixate. They look for other related content. Behind the scenes. Interviews. Interviews. They fall in love with the dynamic of the main characters IRL. They hyperfixate on them. They're not the only one in this boat. They search for other content. They stumble across a fan edits. Fan edits. Their mouth waters at it. They watch it.

Here's how one of them starts:

Hello.

After watching the movie of Pedro Pascal and [Y/N] and going absolutely feral (GO WATCH IT WIMPS) I have taken it upon myself to do a thorough investigation of their relationship (because I am CERTAIN they smashed and BY THE POWER OF ANIME I'm going to make it certain YOU think it's certainly so) so-

Without Further Ado, I present:

They Smashed, And Here's The Evidence.

You and Pedro are doing an interview answering questions while eating snacks from your respective hometowns. This is a snippet from that interview.

Cut scene, the question, which is read by a staff member off camera, is 'what is your favorite thing about the other?'

"You know, what my favorite thing about you is?" Pedro asks, albeit somehow rhetorically, as he chews on something. He was looking at you when he asked this. He watches with crossed arms as you struggle to open the snack packet.

His eyes dart to the small, plastic wrapped cookies as you sigh in defeat and hand it to him. He grins to himself, dramatically rolling his neck before he takes it from you and begins to open make his attempt to open it. Because of your lack of response, he asks as he rips at the package, "do you want to know what my favorite thing about you is?"

"Not really, no," you say, crossing your arms, knitting your brows, shaking your head.

Pedro makes a face looking out to no one in particular. He turns to you, just as he opens the wrapper, "meanie."

You beam, claiming the treat he hands it to you, "thank you."

He watches as you carefully get a cookie for yourself. Pedro looks at the camera, "as of this moment, I rescind any positive feelings I may have ever felt for-GRFF-"

You shove a cookie in his mouth as you excitedly moan and speak half-muffled with a full mouth, "it's still good!"

Pedro chews on the cookie.

"I used to love these when I was like," you raise your hands, "this big."

It takes a few moments for you to merit a response.

"You're literally still that big, what do you mean?" Pedro says.

You give him a second's glance as you clear your mouth, "talk to me like that after you retire your heels to join the 6 feet and above club."

Pedro shakes his head and rolls his eyes, "You're not even getting anywhere near the entr-"

You shove another cookie in his mouth, effectively cutting him off.

"My favorite thing about Pedro is when his mouth is shut."

Pedro's chews viscously, rolling his eyes all over again. He looks into the camera with a wholly exaggerated look. He then scoffs loudly, throwing his head back, crossing his arms all over again, mouth half-full, "you better pray you can keep your mouth shut later tonight."

Cut the cameras.

Did yall hear that?

WELL LET ME MAKE SURE YOU DID

"You better pray you can keep your mouth shut later tonight."

Later Tonight

Later Tonight.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING LATER TONIGHT AND CAN I PLEASE PARTICIPATE?

Now, ok, if you're some weird puritan that got mixed up in this mumbojumbo for lolz and you're thinking, 'oh maybe they're going to play Uno. Uno is pretty intense.'

you're wrong

get the fuck outta here /:

Now.

I raise you some out of context clips that give off domestic energy.

Clip #1: In the subway

Quite literally, it's a video post on your Instagram of you and Pedro riding a slightly packed metro in New York. You're holding your phone closely to you. It's showing both yours and Pedro's double chin. The only reason why you're recording is because he's singing a children's song from Barney, 'And The Green Grass Grows All Around' under his breath. You ardently hold back your laughter as he begins to do the gestures.

>>>COMMENT SCREENSHOT: @pascalispunk: it's a bop, fam. 😔 why'd you have to play me like this @yn_000 replied: literally no one said it wasnt a bop my love @pascalispunk replied: i love it when you call me your love 💗

IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING SALAD.

THE SHEER AUDACITY OF THESE LOVE-DOVEY SEWER RATS. I DEMAND SATISFACTION.

Clip #2: The Breakfast Person

"I'm not really a breakfast person," you casually admit, mid-interview.

Pedro audibly gasps, "you're not a br- Wait, no, suddenly that makes so much sense. You stuff your face so quickly during lunch."

You slap him on the chest, "hey!"

Pedro snorts, "it's okay, baby, I gotchu," he begins to cook on his imaginary pan, "bacon and eggs, pancakes, oatmeal, whatever, I gotchu."

"You make oatmeal in a pan?" you ask, furrowing your brows.

"Only for the people I love," he smiles and leans towards you. He begins to make a weird laughing noise that sounds part motorcycle, part massive idiot who's so damn annoying.

You take a seconds look at him before smacking him on the face.

Cinematic parallels.

Clip #3: Our Fridge

"There," Pedro holds up the portrait of you that he had been completing the entire interview.

You look up from your own paper and break into hysterics. You lean into your knees from where you sat, nearly toppling forward. Pedro chuckles as he reaches out to you to keep you from falling. You lean back in your seat and wheeze, "what IS that?"

"What do you mean," Pedro grins, "don't you recognize yourself?"

You make a face as you catch your breath. You point to the top area of his paper, "is that supposed to be an eye?"

Pedro looks at his creation, "no, that's... that's that-- but this is your eye."

"You mean to tell me you drew me one eye?"

"I took creative liberties."

You chuckle in disbelief, "this man just told me he thinks I look like Mike Wazowski."

"Mike Wazowski wishes he'd look half as good as you, mi amor."

You turn to the camera, "I don't know how I feel about that."

"Which part?"

"Every part!"

"Well," he rips the page off the sketchpad, "better put this on our fridge."

"We are not putting this on our fridge."

"Why not?" he whines.

"Well besides the fact it's ugly-"

"WOW," he trails off loudly, "just because it doesn't meet twisted societal beauty standards doesn't mean it's ugly."

You simply shake your head, "that is not going anywhere near our fridge."

YOU TELL EM PEDRO.

PEDRO SAID BOO YOUR PETTY SOCIETAL BEAUTY STANDARDS 😩😩😩

Also, they really said

OUR FRIDGE

And I think that's beautiful.

And now quite possibly, the most damning evidence of all.

THIS.

You and Pedro are sat next to each other on a sofa across an interviewer during one of those fan meet interview sort of segments. It's a fan cam, and from the angle in which this particular audience member is sat, its very much visible that Pedro, with his arm slung on the top of the back rest, was drawing circles onto your back. You do not outwardly react to his touch at all. [THIS RAT SO USED TO IT FFS]

You turn to Pedro and ask on through your mic, "what do you think?"

He says 'huh' off mic, then straightens up and brings his mic to his lips, only to give you a confused look.

"What do you think of that scene?" you repeat, brushing his brows with your thumb in affectionate annoyance. [BOO 👎 PDA BOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO 🍅🍅🍅🍅]

"Oh," he says, "that scene," he nods his head and widens his eyes at you, hoping you'd help him out.

The crowd laughs. [SIMPS smh]

You only mimic his wide eyes and offer a raised brow.

Pedro and you stare for a moment. Ultimately, he sighs and rubs your nape with his fingers, "fine-" the person recording says 'WTF' "-I have no idea what you're talking about."

There is a chorus of laughs.

"I'm still on the part where you said I was hot when I was covered in blood."

The crowd screams. You roll your eyes. Pedro laughs as he literally grabs your neck and pulls you into him, crushing you against him.

The crowd goes wild. The person who is recording is cursing.

Deep breath. FIRST OF ALL-

The person recording's a real MVP for managing to keep (relatively) calm while witnessing the gall of those two to do that in front of EVERYONE'S SALAD.

Second of all, aint no way, aint NO WAY you let someone like tHIS-

-with his itty bitty tiny waist and manhandle you like THAT in, and I can't stress this enough, FRONT OF EVERYONE'S SALADS, and not do anything further. It's science.

You're honor, the ruling, please.

100% Guilty of ✨Smashing✨

Sometimes Haggar catches Shiro goofing off when she’s spying on him...

She is not Amused

BTW Shiro’s using one of these bad boys ;)

a meme @crankthatfrank

A mix of voice headcanons and crack together.

Obviously my editing skills are shit but uhhhhh I thought Ren would sound like either of these. Second and third are Sonic fandubs. The first one was that sus flash_kat meme and I thought it sounds so spot on for Ren???

(Sprites are made by gato :) )

Tumblr and Christmas

Scaramouche got ripped!

SILENT HILL SHIPPING CHALLENGE

Notice I only do these things when my scanner ISNT active xP

Alright ladies and gents. It is I, Scarlet's mod! For the next two weeks, I have a special little challenge for all of you. One that I guarentee you will not be bested in! Now I warn you right now: whoever isn't tolerant of yaoi, yuri or insanity should AVERT THEIR EYES!

The challenge is simple. You must tell me via an ask or reblog which two characters you ship together from any of the Silent Hill games (or crossover). If you want to be original then draw something for the pair and send it to me.

Then you must say WHY you support them together: It can be anything from a full blown essay to 'OMG THYE L00K SO SMEXY TOGEThZar!'

To make things interesting... crack pairings only. Don't know what a crack pairing is? Have a look at my list!

http://askscarletfitch.tumblr.com/crackpairings

Still confused? Here's my example

I support Lilian Shepherd/ Judge Holloway. I always imagine the relationship to be during Homecoming while Lilian is in her catanoic state. Judge Holloway is insane as we all know and power hungry, so I can imagine her putting her control on Lilian; stroking her shoulders and kissing her neck while she's in her chair and just exerting her dominance.

Here's an example from my irl friend

I support Travis/Alessa purely because I enjoyed watching Alessa pouting at Travis the whole of Origins XP

And one more from me because I'm weird!

Murphy/Henry. Cuz you get to go in Henry's room during downpour and they look like each other :D

You get it? Ask a question if you're STILL confused. The object of this challenge is to find THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS SHIP and justify it.

I don't really expect anyone to enter this. If you can, great. If you don't, then I just wasted half an hour doing this XP.

Also, there is no prize. Hence why its a challenge and not a contest but I might do a 'special favour' for you if you win! It's all for fun and stupid games!

See ya all! Hope you join!

-Scarlet Mod

Taking a break from my break tannerfishies style

One sided drix x kai

Drix: Can i hit

Kai: Wtf??? No??? What are you doing inside my room??? Where tf did you come from????

Drix: Nooo don't hide ur bugness ur so sexy haha

Kai: (bug begone) Get out

The Sugar Baby Ben AU

The premise: Obi-Wan and Anakin from the end of ROTJ get sent back to the Jedi Temple during TPM. Obi-Wan is confused, Anakin is confused, Mace Windu is very confused, and Vokara Che is also very confused. (It’s fine, it’s not like anyone relies on the Jedi for their intelligence anyways.) 

So what happens after they get where and who they are sorted out?

Well:

Anakin kills Sidious. He may be small, and blond, and just the cutest little kid, but he has several decades worth of fury directed at the man, and he’s still pretty much a Sith Lord (if a reformed one). It is very violent, and very worrying to anyone who sees it except for Obi-Wan. (In the absence of any convenient reactor shafts to toss the bitch down, Anakin resorts to a combination of lethal use of the Force and a blaster, just for good measure. They’re cleaning Sidious’s guts off his office carpet for years after the fact.)

Then, while the Jedi are trying to get a handle on the fact that (a) Sith exist, (b) time travel exists, and © the tiny adorable boy Qui-Gon Jinn brought back actually is horribly dangerous, Anakin runs off. He grabs his mother, slaughters a couple slavers indiscriminately, which Shmi feels obligated to chastise him for, even if she isn’t that horrified, and they go to Naboo.

To everyone but Obi-Wan’s surprise, Anakin lasts about two weeks on Naboo. A month or so later, the Jedi start hearing rumors about a small, dark-cloaked figure with a red lightsaber who leaves entire slave markets to burn. They don’t hear about the woman with him, who holds him back and calms his rage, who can stop her son when he needs to be stopped and hold him when he needs to be held. (Obi-Wan knows that she’s there anyways, and he sends her the number of a good therapist.)

So, what is Obi-Wan doing during all of this?

Short answer: scandalizing every jedi on coruscant

Slightly longer answer: scandalizing every jedi on coruscant by having ridiculous amounts of sex

Keep reading

my new ideal prequels fix-it goes like this

depa billaba, woman of many talents but most especially the ability to find and locate Baby, is canonically put into a coma because of her injuries sustained in a separatist attack that killed almost all of her troops. mace windu, man of many talents but most especially the ability to still be swindled by his former padawan who he DEFINITELY cherishes i will not back down from that point, waits intently by her side while she recovers. refuses to leave her for anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. yoda is almost about to tell him to leave it be, all things pass in time, but he can’t bring himself to say it to his own former padawan that he’s worked with so closely all these years, and instead just kind of turns a blind eye to it. meanwhile, depa is having a Force Vision, and learning three things. 1) baby kanan is extremely, exquisitely baby, and 2) caleb is destined to be HER baby, and 3) maybe instead of fearing the passion of love the jedi should accept the passion of true, powerful love. mace is reckoning with his clear attachment to his padawan and his guilt for what she’s going through.

obi-wan has managed to get himself injured, like a dunce, and is stuck in the medbay while he heals, and is conveniently stuck close to depa’s bacta tank, and therefore close to a brooding mace. obi-wan is watching this display like he’s never seen mace before, because while mace is and has always been compassionate, the kind of gentleness and quiet dedication - the love that would compel someone to set aside everything and wait - is something obi-wan’s only ever experienced as a deeply private and internal thing. this was the way he’d loved qui-gon, this is the way he loves anakin. mace and obi-wan have intense conversations where they talk about love while dancing around the word; the pain that loving a master that always seemed to have higher priorities than you, the pain of loving a padawan so much and still feeling like you do nothing but fail them, the expectations mace is under at the second highest rank in all the order and yoda’s own former padawan, and the expectations obi-wan was under as a freshly knighted padawan grieving a major loss and then being the only person in the order personally responsible for The Chosen One. rational thoughts are had, which is punctuated by anakin stalking into the medbay periodically like a human hurricane to be strange at obi-wan.

this sets the stage for depa to come out of her coma and immediately be like THE FORCE TOLD ME TO GO FIND MY NEW SON HIS NAME’S CALEB I LOVE HIM ALREADY and her conviction, because the force has quite literally told her this, in something mace and obi-wan had only been willing to poke at startles them both. depa’s a little bit, uh, not in the quite most normal mindset considering she just launched full-speed out of a coma, so please imagine she puts on her jedi drama cloak and then takes off through the temple to the initiates’ levels and barges around until she can find caleb. mace and obi-wan (not his problem, but he’s invested in this now) chase after her, and this is where sha koon enters the picture, because since she lost her own padawan she’s been funneling her grief into working with the initiates because she refuses to return to the front. sha, for everyone not as deep in some bullshit lore as i am, is plo koon’s niece, and her padawan did actually die, for the most part i’m not actually making any of this up. just, elastic-ing canon. but sha helps depa track down caleb, and then obi-wan and mace catch up just in time for all of them to be subject to depa’s declaration that caleb will be her new padawan and she CHERISHES him, actually. caleb (baby) is elated. they’re also there for depa declaring loudly that the force has revealed to her that the power of a master-padawan bond is inviolable and it should be loving, even passionate love, because love is a sacrosanct power, actually.

depa is the only person who can do heresy literally directly in front of mace and mace will just be like okay……. okay………….. okay…………… this is fine………… and because depa has practically always had mace wrapped around her finger, mace is roped into depa’s new inclination to heresy. sha koon, who is currently wading through the grief she’s feeling because she loved her padawan, and currently leaning way more on her bond with her uncle plo in a way that smacks of love and all the passion that comes with it, is like hell yeah, i don’t talk to literally any of you, but heresy rules. she also has a telepathic bond with plo that means our favorite squid uncle can just come running down the corridor like HELLO SHA I KNOW THAT YOU ARE FEELING STRONGLY because he’s been hovering over his grieving niece out of worry. obi-wan is just kind of there.

hence, a gaggle of jedi masters and one (1) knight in sha koon and one (1) padawan in sweet baby caleb end up at space dunkin donuts at 1am aggressively trying to reconcile the doctrine that passion is of the sith with the idea that love - an emotion of passion - can and should be utilized by the jedi, even for close interpersonal bonds. caleb falls asleep on depa’s shoulder and everyone has to argue philosophy in a whisper, because depa’s had this kid for, like, six hours, but she won’t let anyone disturb his baby slumber. obi-wan lets slip that mace hardly left depa’s side for her entire recovery, and depa hugs her jedi dad. this is a requirement, a demand, and also a necessity.

plo koon banging on the table, because he’s the only one here who really has always been a fan of sappy soap operas: A BEAUTIFUL DISPLAY, MACE 

mace windu, man who is about to start a fight in the dunkin that plo koon will lose because not many people can challenge mace: avert your eyes, menace

and so the most unlikely people to commit heresy start meeting regularly to discuss the specifics of heresy, and how to implement this revolutionary new way to interact with the force. because the jedi forbade attachment for a reason, and it’s because the emotions of a jedi are amplified and condensed and turned into an energy that can physically affect the world around them in dangerous ways - the sith utilize the power of emotion, and in order to avoid causing danger and sliding into a fall, the jedi carved out all passion, including love. because being caught up in the throes of emotion can do damage, when your feelings can and do affect the world around you immensely. but living a loveless life also does catastrophic damage, so the question remains how to implement such a major change and how it has affected their relationship to the force and what it might change if they kept going. so, our intrepid heroes discuss heresy and philosophy at the space dunkin. but anakin gets suspicious of all of obi-wan’s disappearances and tracks them to a space dunkin.

obi-wan’s like oh, i’ve been meaning to discuss this with you, anakin, i just wanted our discussions to be further along before i told you that some of us were reconsidering the attachment clause. he knows that anakin is weird about attachment, what he does not know is that anakin is insane about attachment. anakin proceeds to fucking lose it, spectacularly, at 4am in the space dunkin, in front of five other jedi (caleb is at the temple, snoozing his baby snoozes) because anakin tried so hard to Not Do attachment his mom died because of it, and the idea that after he’s tried and failed for over a decade to live with this one thing and now people are seemingly arbitrarily deciding to remove it sends him spiraling. he shouts some very hinged things and storms out to go be very definitely hinged elsewhere, i don’t have the capacity to type out a full rant but please imagine anakin shouting I WATCHED MY MOTHER DIE A HUNDRED TIMES AND I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO CARE, I DIDN’T FREE MY MOTHER BECAUSE I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO CARE AND SOMEONE ELSE HAD TO DO IT, AND IT DOESN’T MATTER - IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT I’VE ALREADY BURNED or something. then the five of them are sitting there in completely shocked silence attempting to process the loud display of maladjustment they all just witnessed. plo koon tentatively suggests that they’ve been so focused on what will happen if they do change the way they live, that they haven’t really thought about what the way they already live has done to them, which causes another shocked silence in which everyone considers they may have emotional damage.

anakin joins the heresy party, obviously, but on his first meeting it’s quite clear that he’s created entire, complex arguments on this very subject, and then obi-wan’s like “i didn’t know you thought about this so much.” anakin looks like a deer caught in a pair of headlights before he blurts out IT’S BECAUSE I’M MARRIED

now everyone gets to argue MORE, because the familial bond of master and padawan is WAY different from the romantic love of husband and wife, and that’s a whole new set of logistics to debate. but, on the plus side, they get to debate this in padme’s apartment now instead of the space dunkin, and padme has really great taste in wine. also, she stocks space excedrin, which mace cannot get enough of. cue the hilarious moment where bail organa drops by unexpectedly and padme shoves six jedi in the pantry in her kitchen, where they’re all stuck together, invading personal space awkwardly.

sha heals vicariously through watching depa and caleb be the cutest, and also heals because she can just show up at padme’s apartment and drink padme’s excellent wine (assuming kel dor can have wine, lol) and be upset. padme’s apartment has accidentally become the halfway house of Emotionally Damaged Jedi Heretics, padme has alternating moments with literally everyone where she reassures them using normal human emotions. even mace has a moment where he’s struggling beneath his guilt for what depa went through, and padme’s like [sympathetic hand on shoulder] it wasn’t your fault, master jedi.

how has this become padme’s life

when everyone goes back to war they all have to do this shit on fucking space zoom

anakin announces that they really have to tell yoda about this heresy thing very very soon because his secret wife is secret pregnant at the Emotionally Damaged Jedi Heretics meeting following the whole invisible hand thing. obi-wan screeches like a horrified demon, immediately accuses padme of corrupting his padawan, plo is saying something loudly about the force in family lineages and how lovely it is and how exciting this all is, depa’s completely unsure how she had one (1) force vision and now she’s attending padme amidala’s kind of baby shower, caleb’s actually here this time and he’s like WOW senator amidala congratulations!!! like a sweet baby angel. sha is planning how she’ll have to outmaneuver her uncle plo to secure babysitting rights. mace has invited himself to the liquor cabinet because the prospect of more skywalkers makes him want to fall over. but don’t worry, mace’s grumpy exterior conceals a mushy inside that, while still wrestling the instinct to screech ATTACHMENT!!!! is kind of elated at the prospect of….. jedi families, that can be families. fight me he always thought of depa, deep deep inside where he could never tell anyone, as his daughter. when the skywalker baby turns out to be twins, one of which being leia, mace sits anakin down for Raising A Daughter advice, which amounts to “you’re probably never going to tell her no”

mace is very right

unfortunately mace also can’t tell leia no

unfortunately no one can tell leia no

sorry I’m still thinking about that anon who said they were up til 6:30 reading angsty Tim Drake fic and I respect that. the angst market is booming for a reason. but were I EVER to get back into writing fan fic I would contribute exactly one (1) thing to the DC fandom and that would be transcripts of Bat Watch, the Batman conspiracy podcast that Tim and Steph record in Tim’s closet while taking fat rips off a bat bong

Obi-Wan: plays dirty wins dirty

Obi-Wan: flirts with the enemy

Obi-Wan: has slept with half of the galaxy

Obi-Wan: always outsmarts the opponent

Obi-Wan: jumps out of windows for fun

Obi Wan: uses his charms to always get what he wants (especially the council)

Also Obi-Wan: follow my ~example~ Anakin and be 🌸mindfull🌸 💗👨🏻‍🦰💗

Anakin: *screams*

(Also 19-year-old-Obi: you should listen what 💗Master Windu💗 says, my master🥰

Qui-Gon: oh you little shit)

😄 Indeed, anon. Indeed.

I always love the fact that Obi-Wan is out there seducing everyone and winking saucily and whatnot and there’s Anakin, his young charge who idolizes him, taking this all in. You know that when Anakin was like 18 he tried to very awkwardly and artlessly kiss the hand of some planet’s king or president or whatever during negotiations and Obi-Wan was like ANAKIN NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING and Anakin was like “What??? YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME, I thought that’s what we were supposed to do at these things!” and then Obi-Wan had to fake-laugh and be like “would you excuse us for just one minute, I need to speak with my Padawan about something”

Also there is no way I believe Obi-Wan was ever NOT a gigantic flirt, so you know he was pulling that crap way back when. Like Qui-Gon would leave the room to get a glass of water and by the time he’d come back the Queen of Planet Whatever was blushing and giggling and his 20-year-old student is looking almost too innocent and then what do you know, suddenly the negotiations are over and the Republic got everything they wanted! Weird.

Obi Wan has no fucking chill

Obi-Wan: “Chancellor Palpatine, Sith Lords are our speciality!”

Ahsoka Tano, fifty thousand light years away and running for her life through a burning landscape as a grinning Sith Lord chases her:  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Anakin: *sensing Ahsoka*

Ahsoka: *through the Force* “Anakin you better keep your FUCKING mouth shut”

Personally, I find it hilarious that Chewbacca is older than Palpatine.

so i was talking with @evaceratops and may we present….. Jedi Shaming, or, the signs each clone commander (or captain) makes their jedi general (or commander) hold up:

high general kenobi: “i haven’t slept in 72 hours”

general skywalker: “i’ve had 20 near death experiences in the past week”

commander tano: “i contributed to at least half of anakin’s near-death experiences”

high general fisto: “i take any opportunity to strip off my tunics”

high general ti: “i was this close to introducing nala se to the business end of my lightsaber” 

general secura: “i flirt with my commander during important meetings”

general vos: “i am a fucking moron”

high general piell: “i make gods-awful puns about my partial blindness and stature”

high general kenobi, again: “i spent half an hour flirting with the enemy general”

high general plo: “i adopt at least three small children and/or feline creatures per planet”

high general plo, again: “i tried to adopt a gundark”

high general mundi: “i haven’t spoken with my wife in seven weeks and am driving the entire batallion insane because cerea is a warzone and i’m snapping at everyone but not pICKING UP THE DAMN COMMUNICATOR”

high general windu: “i pretend not to pick up on the chancellor’s orders until my former padawan repeats them”

high general yoda: “explain my battle strategies in metaphors, i do”

general unduli: “i believed my padawan when she told me she was fine”

A clone made documentary about why Jedi are like cats with video proof (always awake and knocking shit over at 3am, sleep in piles, do long blinks and turn their backs to people they trust, will happily sit in the same room without acknowledging you and consider it quality time, little chaos monsters, can eat a whole bantha, love bread) and a Jedi just quietly responds with their own documentary about how that also describes clones To A T, and the galaxy just imploded with the footage of clones and Jedi in sleep piles and being assholes to each other and it’s great it’s honestly great.

‘Jedi, much like cats, have a parental instinct for raising children, but then when the time comes for them to go their separate ways, they do so with a fake stoic grace that is all 100% bullshit because they can’t keep out they children’s lives for more than ten seconds without wondering if they’re okay these dumbass little hypocritical-‘

*an entire photoset of clones in sleep piles in various places on ships and campaigns*