Dear Diary - Blog Posts

𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘳𝘺, 𝘓𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘢𝘥𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘶𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘨𝘶𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦. 𝘐 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵, 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨—𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥. 𝖸𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌 𝖳𝗋𝗎𝗅𝗒 𝖮𝗉𝗁𝖾𝗅𝗂𝖺

—𝖠 𝗅𝖺𝖽𝗒 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗊𝗎𝗂𝗅𝗅, 𝖩𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗎𝗇𝖻𝗋𝗂𝖽𝗅𝖾𝖽 𝗌𝗈𝗎𝗅.

Sometimes I wonder if people even realize how cruel they can be without saying a word. The way they look at me—cold, dismissive, like I’m something to laugh at or pity. It’s not always about what they say; sometimes it’s just the way they carry themselves around me, like I’m less. I feel overlooked all the time, like I’m just floating in the background, waiting for someone to actually see me. And I hate how much I want to be seen, especially by him. I hate how I catch myself hoping for even a glance from him. It makes me feel pathetic, like I’m betraying myself just to feel worthy for a moment. These past few days, I’ve been so angry. Just simmering beneath the surface. I keep snapping in my head, getting irritated at everything. I’m starting to feel like the angry little girl I worked so hard to bury, the one who, for years, carried the weight of her father’s rage. I hate how deeply I feel things, how sensitive I am. Lately, I’ve been drowning. Not in a river, but under the weight of never feeling satisfied with life.

—A lady and Her Quill, Letters to Dead Children: Ophelia's Journal Entries

Self portrait and some songs I’ve been listening to;

I’m ugly and I don’t know why- Betty Blowtorch

Killing in the name of -Rage against the machine

Fat Juicy & Wet- Bruno Mars and Sexy Red

Made a new seeded sketchbook-first of 2025

I’m starting to move some art from instagram to here❤️

I just clocked that tumblr’s like my digital diary

“Come over. I don’t really mind whether we talk for hours, get blind drunk, or sit in silence and look up to the stars. Sometimes, the world down here just gets a bit much, and I need to lose myself in someone’s company for a little while.”

— Beau Taplin

Everyone around me: Stop doing stupid shit Me: no im sad

hi my loves, I hope you are well!

My life is a disaster rn

so to put it in order I need to do a lot a things!

starting by cleaning my phone

look, it's a total disaster. I have a lot of pics and apps that I don't use, and other garbage. wish me luck please (╥﹏╥)

Women are the biggest women haters, and at the same time, the biggest women lovers and supporters

This is my actual collection of CDs

I started collecting CDs in I think 2012. It’s small collection tho, I had more but I sold some and I really regret that because now the price of CDs is higher (the brand new ones)

Yeah you can see that I love SOUNDGARDEN and everything related to Chris Cornell… I also have a pile of my custom discs from 2014(?) and some of my stepfather ones from early 2000’s

I can’t even explain how much I was into Hole and L7 I always dreamed about having original ones in my collection especially L7s “Bricks are Heavy”

I almost forgot about Sub Pop 200 CD and lately I like to listen to this one because it brings so much nostalgia to me because I remember discovering more and more about grunge music and idk I felt a connection with this genre (I still feel)

Really proud of these two

My biological father had a lot of those custom discs and I remember the 9 y/o me and him driving his car and blasting Rammstein or old Metallica albums and then later when I was older I brought him my L7 CD to play in car but he didn’t like them… I remember my disappointment. He was a classic metalhead. I like those memories…

Dear diary,

It's August again.

The sun has quietened down,

and so has my heart.

The most peaceful time of the year,

are August afternoons spent with cups of sweet tea.

☻︎♡︎

Dear diary,

Life is beautiful again.

The monotonous journey has taken a break,

And everything has become shades of happiness.

Days are warm and serene,

And I believe this comes close to heaven.

☻︎♡︎

Dear diary,

I think I am happy.

Atleast for now.

Atleast for August.

And I hope this stays.

If not forever, then atleast for a while.

☻︎♡︎

Dear diary,

You are going to be filled with stories and love.

You are going to be full of wonder and joy.

It's August again,

and we've both come to life.

Like the soft hues of ink on your pages,

my heart has begun to see the world in cotton candy colors.

☻︎♡︎

Dear diary,

And August my love,

We shall have the most beautiful times together.

What has made me speak less with each passing day? I watch the dragonfly escape the lizard by inches and I decide to stay. I want my words and my life to escape death. So every time I try exaggerating my empathy , the insouciance, and the ability to extract only the bad side of my words and my life makes me edge closer to silence. I do not want to throttle my words to death.

Letter #30

These shoes never walked a single step astray From the memories of skin in that dingy underway In their wake comes everything I once held dear to say Tightened laces bracing forth through times of "come what may" While you fall on a prayer you wont remember me this way Love, you wont remember me each day.

Date Written: 25th of October, 2023

Letter #26

She didn't know how to rest yet Hadn't learnt the point of growing up Curled lips and big bright eyes Vein attempts at masking her truth She built palaces with her words Enrapturing swarms with pretty lies Answer "I'm happy" in earnest when asked Naive to knowing emptiness isn't meant to fill If only charms didn't cost her a sense of self When rose coloured glasses lose their hue Tell me, what else is a young girl to do? She'll learn the lesson of life eventually Little by little, day by day, Time will tell every tale that shall come Each rose petal guiding her forward The future will change her pace Discovering what it means to slow down Dream in something other than clouds Her mind knew not of certainty No shining knight, no protective shield Mercy found only beyond towering walls As their creator, she shall soon be their end But refusing destruction beyond herself There is only so much a tender heart can mend A limbo she lives, hopelessly hopeful Spinning until she becomes spun So for now, let youth recklessly take her It's not a lesson you can teach her She has to learn it on her own

Date Written: 23rd of September, 2023

Letter #20

Let's meet again In another life If not conversely Then to share Silently sweet smiles Polite passing nods Where you don't Look like "you" And I resemble Only simple nothings Let's meet again As different minds Shall our shadows Split into 4s Beyond all connection Where time begins

Date Written: 9th of September, 2023

Letter #19

I tried to find your love At the bottom of my bag But all I found was hairties And receipts of our outings Forgotten about months ago I tried to find your love At the bottom of a liquor bottle But I got lost between regrets And memories of our laughter In a call that no longer exists I tried to find your love At the bottom of your shoes But their spot by my door was empty And the footprints I once followed Now covered in snow, invisible I tried to find your love At the bottom of this denial But deep down I know it's gone And your words have become relics Time didn't stop for us

Date Written: 8th of September, 2023

Letter #18

Strings intertwined cause friction Somehow prized as this winning affliction So eager to tie our own ropes Yet all I can think of are the breaks and bends They're burning the candle from both ends Cascading wax leaks through my fingertips Is a string meant to melt? To dissipate? Sparks without a pulse to accommodate What a reward to be drenched in oil Awaiting the next pretty flicker of flame To set ablaze every notion of it's fame The tale of a red knot tangled

Date Written: 2nd of September, 2023

Letter #17

Make me talk, make me sing Wash away everything Teeth on skin is the answer Meld me into flickering amber Design my body, change it's shape Run your fingers by my nape Melted through this simple touch Have my knees return to mush Break me, remake me Swear an oath, a loyal devotee As long as morning never comes Let us exist amongst loving hums

Date Written: 2nd of September, 2023

Letter #16

You tempt and toy with my mind as your playground Never settling, never quenched My emotions are your strings As you move you play melodies You ask me to tell you about all the ways one can be bad I felt my stomach retreat upon it's mention Unassuming expectations for the storm you lit within Rather than words I would show you Slowly, fervently Lacing each second of your intrigue with worship But these requests from your lips I can never accept Saving tongue-tied advances for strangers beds instead Self reflection set a boundary around your sneakers "A line where no love may land" And through tangled heat I know we'd cross it My heart unfit already shivering at your voice so sweet The game you're playing caught all my thoughts off guard Begging me as I remind you of the rules you made My muse your words are cruel Feigned innocence far crueler With each bated breath my morals are in agony Truly you bring out the worst in me

Date Written: 29th of August, 2023

Letter #15

I still think about you some days - Most days. It's been hard not to when the home you made for yourself in my heart was left to ache without any remedy or closure to sooth it. I wonder what you're doing now days, and who you're doing it with. The thought doesn't fuel jealousy through my veins so much as it does a sense of melancholic acceptance, as I know no matter where you found yourself, it wasn't somewhere I belonged. I hope you're going well, that your same bad jokes and unjustified confidence still annoy yet endear you into the lives of everyone you meet. Getting over you has been hard, impossible maybe, I'm unsure. Years in and my journey still isn't over. But, I know I'm glad that you left. Maybe I didn't accept it at the time, but this space has been healthy. You were a good chapter of my life, a fanciful page I needed to turn to feel satisfied by the storyline ahead. The fan favourite, re-read lovingly on special nights where the comfort of slipping into something safe is needed. I still think about you some days, most days, but it's less than I used to and I'm proud of myself for that. I'd like to think if we ever met one another again, it'd be in passing with awkward small talk and half-hearted goodbyes as our only exchanges - because as much as I cherish you still dearly, some things belong in the past as memories. Perfectly and sweetly, with love.

Date Written: 25th of August, 2023

Letter #14

Hands sinking from this intrinsic weightlessness These contradictions spill out of me With every rhythmic throbbing of the arteries As though it were inherently innate to lose reason Reluctancy claimed it's vested right to my chest The thought bringing it all into perpetual deliberation An impending consequential end to touch Like a clock continuously thrust into resetting Hands disheveled, scraping, tired Sinking.

Date Written: 20th of August, 2023

Letter #13

I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I needed something that would keep me sane Same old one with the ultra slim filter, fresh burst blue I guess because somehow it still reminds me of you My mind wanders with each deepened breath Thoughts I'd share, if not for your death Would you be proud of me for just being around? Or wished I had done something more profound? With each swift flick to turn on my lighter I enter a strangers bed for another all-nighter I'd love to talk about him with you some day How this love left me a messy bundle of disarray For now though, all that remains is ash Memories torn, our photos left by the trash I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I wanted to feel like I did when I was ten At least I could talk to you back then

Date Written: 18th of August, 2023

Letter #12

"You deserve better." Cowardness trickling through each word A lie is laced in fickle venom An attempt at some redemption As if you weren't deflecting Off a heart you didn't desire "You deserve better." It did not hurt me because it's untrue It did not hurt me because I wanted you It was accepting what had been left to die When you just couldn't think up an excuse That would make for a better goodbye "You deserve better." How hard did you try to make yourself believe it? Would it have been that hard to admit? I thought with me you'd show your real colour But the choices were grey Turning simple and duller "You deserve better." Did you expect me to shed a tear? Yes, maybe it's true My forwardness might cast a shadow But at least I know how to be more honest Than this a lie on which you insist

Date Written: 13th of August, 2023

Letter #11

I will fade away from your life Just like the petals That have outgrown their bloom Softly, quietly Leaving only gentle traces My dear sunflower Thank you for the light Though my spring cannot last forever Your resounding presence Shall never come to wilt As I return to the earth I hope the breeze is kind I hope it carries me caringly across the sea To a land where soils can nurture The dust that has become me May my stem descend to the ground Away from your gazes Beyond the reach of your touch With only one last apology to be given I fear for me this world was simply too much

Date Written: 14th of August, 2023

Letter #10

You are my apple seed Daily dose of poison Your world promises wellness "It only costs a bite" But beneath the flesh you hide Delicious seeds of cyanide Sweet almond tart delight "What a wonderful morning meal" If only it wasn't for the chemicals You so covertly conseal Such a painless little portion "There's no harm in one or two" I indulge and think no more About what a tiny seed could do But they add up one by four Trickled rain turns pouring fall All because of the innocuous Your hidden apple core

Date Written: 14th of August, 2023

Note #9

Experiences may have lended their wisdom, Taught me how not to be like that monster. It's true I have gained new vision, however; My trauma did not make me stronger. The lessons it taught were too strict, Turned me afraid of being a bother. Yet you will not hear me faulter as I say; My trauma did not make me stronger. It left me beaten, battered and bruised, Now left to walk with poor posture. Please stop telling me time will fix things; My trauma did not make me stronger.

Date Written: 13th of August, 2023

Letter #8

My little daffodil, Resting all alone without any sunlight. What's given you that might? How many demons were you made to fight? Do you know there's no end to what I'd give In the mere hope that it'd help you feel alright? Because I'm sat here, chest clenched tight Pleading with the harshness of the night. "If only the stars would give some heed to this weary plight" "If only my warmth through unconditional love you'd requite" Your petals shine so bright, Resting all alone with the moonlight. Always so close to that beautiful, unifying sight But never quite.

Date Written: 12th of August, 2023

Letter #7

Seeing you happy still means the world to me But that joy has grown a contradiction "What is a love without it's strength?" "What is a heart without it's flaws?" My love once so unconditionally sweet Gained a rancid taste, bitter and overripe A fruit left neglected for years Such sharp textures for something so contrite I once promised you the universe To this day I would still serve it to you Only my hands are tainted with soil No longer clean enough to use If I love you, I should let you free A true effort to prove my loyalty Yet the temptation of a bird cage Now sounds the kindest to me

Date Written: 11th of August, 2023

Letter #6

"You really hurt me." Fuck, I wish I could say that to you. I want to tell you "I wished you were better" And hear you say "I'm sorry." like you mean it. My love of you is a laceration across my chest Visible to everyone who meets me, Stinging at every change of the winds. It likes to bleed out at night. The kitchen sink is stacking higher, Soon the laundry pile will join. Sometimes I still see your ghost in the mirror, Staring back at me with empty eyes. I guess I'm in another one of my rutts again It just all feels so pretentious and aimless "You really hurt me, but I hurt me more." The truth is a harder pill to swallow.

Date Written: 10th of August, 2023