Detla Gamma - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Women Tell All Recap

Can you believe we're almost to the bitter end of this season of the Bachelor? I know I can't. But here we sit, ready to hear the women Sean has dumped along his journey dish all their juiciest gossip and share just how hurt they were by that big blond oaf with a baby's brain. 

Hit me with it, Chrarrison!

Chris Harrison walks out to thunderous applause. I’m not kidding it’s like a One Direction concert in there. They scream louder and louder as he suggests things like “Sean!” and “Sean with his shirt off!” They boo terrifically on cue when he says “Tierra!”

Before we get to the dirt, Chrarrison and Sean take us on their adventures of crashing various Bachelor viewing parties in the LA area. We have two hours to kill here people, so buckle up. The first house is full of screaming teenagers who flock to him like he is the Messiah. The rest of the parties are all full of women who scream for him and coo over him.

The big finale of this dog and pony show is Sean bursting into the Delta Gamma sorority house. The girls obviously go insane and as the cameras walk in, this one girl instinctively does that Delta Gamma thing where you crook your arm all weird to make a Gamma, and she literally won’t stop. She just keeps doing that thing and smiling maniacally at the camera. Go hug, Sean sweetie. Put your stupid arm down.

They chant for him to take his shirt off. He obliges. I’m sad about a lot of things.

It is time! The women have all been tromped out in their finery to sit on incredibly uncomfortable stools to give us what we want! I love seeing them after a few months of minimal celebrity because everybody changes their hair a little and they get their makeup done professionally so everyone looks tip top. AshLee got some new extensions and her hair is Connie Britton-glorious.

Notably missing from tonight’s proceedings is Ashley the girl with heinous extensions who sang a song about her momma’s sweet tea for Sean then got kicked off. She is presumably performing her heart out on a cruise ship far, far away.

Without mention of She Who Must Not Be Named, the conversation immediately jumps to discussing She Who Must Not Be Named. “Tierra’s sparkle didn’t sparkle that big,” Lesley says of our favorite little psychopath. Selma agrees that she was just rude and impolite and straight up weird. AshLee is still amazed that they had such a blow out in St. Croix. And Brook the Community Organizer about whom I completely forgot, thinks that the girls are just jealous because they weren’t as smart as You Know Who at coming up with ways to hang out with Sean. Yikes. Nope. That’s definitely not it.

Before we break to commercial, Chrarrison taunts that Tierra is backstage ready to defend herself. They show her wearing a hideous dress and spraying herself with enough perfume to poison a small dog. The proverbial poop is about to hit the fan.

The tension in the room is palpable as Lord Voldemort Tierra comes onto the stage and screen. Her makeup is actually nice and simple, probably to prevent another Polar Bear Plunge mascara disaster. Right off the bat she says how she “lights up in a room” and when she walks into a room she brings such joy with her and is talking very quietly like an un-sub from Criminal Minds who’s been stealing the neighborhood dogs and killing and stuffing them in her basement so she can have a menagerie of friends (I just made that up but it sounds like a great episode).

Chris Harrison does a very good job at interviewing her calmly and without accusation. He poses questions to her like, “But other girls got roses throughout the process and weren’t hated, so why did you feel like the target on your back was so big?” Good questions that she can’t answer without lying her little face off. She truly plays the victim so, so well.

“Even if you’re not trying to make best friends, why not just be friend-ly? Why make it harder on yourself?” Chris asks as the other girls vigorously nod their heads.

Finally, Chrarrison asks the money question: is there anything she regrets or would like to apologize for. You guys won’t believe it. You’ll never guess what she says. She says no. She says there’s nothing to apologize for! The women and the studio audience are positively agog.

So, now the women get to pester Tierra with questions about why she was the way she was. Basically it becomes a pissing contest of who can most accurately pinpoint why she was such a terrible person to be around. Brooke the Community Organizer actually comes up with a really good rebuttal. She wishes that Tierra would stand in her convictions and just stand up that she didn’t want to make friends and was unfriendly, rather than act like an innocent victims of other girls’ pettiness. Holla, Brooke!

Before AshLee can rip her claws into Tierra, Chris breaks us to commercial so he can properly wrangle the conversation about the infamous St. Croix Blow Up. AshLee is miffed. Tierra is blinking like a baby deer. AshLee takes GREAT offense to being called a liar. Tierra thinks she is always wrong and no matter what she does, she’ll be wrong. Well, if the only thing you do is lie and be terrible then yes, you’ll be wrong. But if you take responsibility for your actions and humbly apologize and grow from the experience, then maybe you won’t be so wrong. Selma agrees with me.

Eventually Tierra still doesn’t completely take the blame and admit she did something wrong, but she does apologize.

HOLY CRAP. TIERRA WAS LITTLE MISS NEVADA. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. She’s trying to make her case for the “Tierra you have a sparkle” line, but man does that ever backfire! Um. Hold on. Then Chrarrison points out what I’ve been blind to. Tierra is wearing an enormous diamond ring on her left hand. Sister girl is engaged. TIERRA is ENGAGED. Tierra’s engaged. Tierra has found love. When Chris asks when she got engaged, Tierra responds with “no comment”. Which is dumb. Chris asks again and she says “January”. So that was weird. Everything about her is weird. Oh well. She will plague me never more from this point forward.

Sarah’s time in the hot seat is up. There’s a chance that she could be the next Bachelorette based on her sad story, beautiful personality and face, and the fact that she’s so scared of never finding love. I really, really love this girl. She talks again about how she feels that her whole life has been a series of men telling her that she’s amazing but not right for them. “I think I’m funny, and smart, and I think I’m great!” she says, “And so do we!” someone from the audience shouts. Thunderous applause. Yes, Sarah. So do we.

Chris asks Dez if he can “holla at her for a second” in the hotseat (JK Chris isn’t Dez’s brother). They’re really building Dez up to be the next Bachelorette as she talks about how she just wants to make someone happy and wants the soul-mate level connection her parents have. There are a lot of sympathetic faces nodding along in the audience. She is very open to finding love (like all humans) and is looking forward to bringing the things she learned about herself into her next relationship. Now if I was a betting woman, I would place lots and lots of money on Dez’s horse to be the next Bachelorette.

“And yes! We have bloopers!” Chris exclaims from his mountaintop of glory because nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world could please me more than BLOOPERS FROM THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AshLee gets to come up and give her side of the story in the breakup we all saw go down last week. They get to talking right away about the heated and emotional good-bye, and they pan over the singular guy in the audience! He’s in a sharp oatmeal sweater with big black-frame glasses. I’m very interested in what he’s thinking about while he’s sitting there listening to AshLee talk about her abandonment issues one more time. Is it steak? Is it her tight dress? Is it the unstoppable season the Chicago Blackhawks have been having? Or is it that Ash just really needs to lighten up and find a man who is not on TV to make her happy?

As she watched the show, AshLee says she realized Sean wasn’t quite the man she thought he was, the man she thought was her soul-mate. She says, “I mean, hate me for this, but he kind of acted like a frat boy.” If by frat-boy you mean stringing along several women at once and convincing them all he had feelings for them then dumping them without explanation one-by-one? Then yes, AshLee, a frat boy indeed. And I don’t hate you for it.

I scream a scream of anger and betrayal to the heavens as Sean comes out on stage, for once again the people in make-up have not heeded my cries to darken in Sean’s eyebrows when they put foundation on him for TV appearances! Why!?! Oh WHITHER, YE MAKEUP FIENDS?!

Like any meeting between ex’s, the awkwardness levels in the room are high. Sean says he’s eager to see the women. They, perhaps not so much. AshLee gets to come back on stage to have her talk with Sean! How horrible! He tells her that her new hair color looks beautiful which makes me puke in my mouth! Not the time for platitudes, Sean!

AshLee is not letting him off easy. She is being very pushy and insistent about how Sean never came to check on her. “But Sean you’re a gentleman. You’re supposed to be the man here,” she insists. Sean looks cornered and terrified because we all know he’s never going to be “right” to her.

Then a weird thing happens where Ashlee accuses him of saying that he had absolutely no feelings for the other women. His diplomatic façade kind of falls as he over and over again denies that he said that. “I didn’t say that, and I wouldn’t say that,” he tells her.

That hurt to watch. It was so awkward and painful it hurt me. Oh good and there’s more! AshLee, shocker, can’t let it go. The woman who can’t stop talking for one second about her abandonment issues won’t let something go! Wowzers! She keeps insisting that Sean said he had no feelings for the other women, and he continues to insist he said no such thing.

Moving on, thank goodness, he gets to talk to Dez. It’s very warm and cordial. They actually both seem pretty happy with how things turned out, so hey, it was all for the best. \

OH MY GOOOOSHHADLJFLAKDSJFWJERIOJUWASLFJASL IT’S TIME FOR BLOOPERS! I’VE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED FOR SOMETHING IN MY LIFE! IT’S A BLOOPER REEL OF THE BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hijinks ensue.

With a final peek at the season finale coming next week, our penultimate wrap-up must end. Next week we will not only find out who gets to be Sean’s real-life girlfriend for a whole six months, but also who will be our next Bachelorette! I’m so excited, I can hardly breathe. Tell me all about the viewing parties you guys are having! I’ll be posting my official Bachelor Drinking/Eating Game rules for you on Monday so check in!