Disability Vent - Blog Posts

so so very tired. i can't take being tired anymore... so tired of being disabled because being disabled makes me tired. i am exhausted and i wish someone else could front to get the load off of me.

i will absolutely grab one of the random nameless, bodyless fragments that are probably in my system and morph it into someone who can help me. but like i've done that before, i've created parts. they haven't fronted after their creation and it fucking sucks

please i just want someone equipped to help me with this to front. why can't i push through this constant neverending lethargy and exhaustion. i can probably almost fall asleep standing up right now, and yet i have to help mom clean up the room we share with her (because our bum ass housemates have; a, taken my room and the living room and b; don't help with anything and pretend everything is fine because they give us money for rent sometimes.)

long kinda vent ahead hooray. it's kinda system-flavored this time. tastes like lemon. 🍋

sometimes it's really hard being a system, especially one that is so, like, hyper-aware of everything i have. every disorder, every disability. thing is, i can't do anything to fix myself!!

i've literally told my own mother about separate identity states and the memory loss and whatnot. she said to my therapist that i "was right about the dissociative thing," even if we were only diagnosed so far with unspecified dissociative disorder. the dmdd diagnosis typically leads to an adulthood diagnosis of bipolar, which i'm actually scared about. i fit much more into borderline, just like my mom.

ugh, i don't know. i don't even know what i'll be diagnosed with, come adulthood. i mean system-wise. we're a trauma-endo system (which some fuckheads will already think is enough to not warrant a diagnosis, thanks for that) that doesn't switch from the main host a lot. we have good communication when i can switch out from the front, but we don't have complete memory loss. if anything, it's more like emotional amnesia and the memories are kinda gone too, but they can come back at a later date.

for example, our medic fictive had to call the cops (they didn't even do anything either, but it was our mom's last resort) one night at 2 am last year. i don't remember it well, but i remember it happened. he was terrified that night and he couldn't switch out.

but what the fuck could we even be diagnosed with? i want a diagnosis. i want to figure out exactly what is going on with my brain. most of my parts aren't exactly same-y. they're different people, at least most of them are. sure, we have to mask a little bit, but they think and act a little different than me. we have the memory loss, but i've always had a horrid memory, even before our late syscovery in january of 2021. but i sometimes feel like it's not "bad enough" to warrant a full-on did diagnosis.

it just confuses me. a lot of the times before, my mom would see me looking up disorders and go "oh, shi's just looking hirself up again." but i'm just that aware of what's wrong with me. people either see me and disregard my research, or i just don't know how to help myself. those are the 2 results. yes, i have a therapist. yes, i open up to her and she makes me feel safe, much more than any other therapist i've had in the past.

i just don't know how to help myself. to help us. i want to live in functional multiplicity, mostly because i get so tired and i get so lonely. i don't want these people to be gone at all. if anything, they give me someone to talk to, even if our headspace isn't permanent and we don't remember our own conversations, even if we jot them down. my memory absolutely sucks. i can't remember faces, names, or even voices sometimes. i can't remember people.

basically, i love and yet hate being disabled by anything my mind and body throws at me. i like the community, i like learning about myself. i hate the symptoms, i hate the confusion and the doctors not being able to do their fucking job. ahem, looking at you doctors who only tested me for SLEEP APNEA, which i definitely do not have. now they want to test me for narcolepsy... which i probably don't have, either.

sometimes i wish what it was like to be of sound mind and body, even if it was for just one singular day.

CW : VENT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MLM BUT I NEED TO GET OUT

CW for disabilities and self-harm

I became sick over memorial day weekend (for those who don't know, we have the memorial day off.). Now all of my disabilities are flaring again, and i just got out of a huge flare not even a month ago.

I'm convinced this is because i don't wear a mask anymore. and before you blame me for my own issues, I don't wear one because my family doesn't anymore. I don't like to wear them in the house and due to breathing issues, i cannot wear them for a long time anyways. If i'm gonna get sick being at home or out in public, what's the point? OFC i would wear one if you asked me and would always warn you if i was sick because disabled ppl and able-bodied ppl with preferences matter.. always.

Anyways, I'm just in so much pain. I want to cry and scream and rip out my hair. I want to throw things across the room but all of that would get me recorded and prolly sent back to the psychiatric hospital.

i can't breathe without wheezing and coughing, my knees click when i walk and i keep going into pre-syncope. My fingers ache and i lost my hand brace for my wrist when it locks up. My hips hurt and even sitting criss-cross no longer helps. my back hurts and i can't crack it and i have a major headache.

I had to come home from school today, i begged my parents until they gave in. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I feel as if it'd be better if i just .. wasn't here. That way nobody would have to suffer. anymore. idk

I'm just so.. tired, man. Nothing is going my way, it never has. I'm so so tired, i feel so numb. I don't want to be here anymore.

Me: *existing*

The universe: but what if you did that but with a massive pain and a massive burden on you at all times

Me: what