Disordered Eating - Blog Posts
SORRY FOR THE VERY PERSONAL COMIC!!
This is my half of “Unhealthy”, an essay comic double header with the lovely and talented Sarah Winifred Searle. She and I both wrote about our personal experiences as overweight ladies with eating disorders, and her story is breathtaking! You can buy a physical copy of the book here: https://topatoco.com/collections/abby-howard/products/ah-unhealthy
Or buy a digital PDF here: https://abbyhoward.itch.io/unhealthy
soo
I may have relapsed back into my Ana ways:/ like I don’t hate that I’m eating better cuz not only do I have more energy, my skin has cleared up too. I’m mostly sad that I feel bloated all the time and like I gained a bijillion pounds.
but in all honesty a lot has gone on these past few weeks, and it’s part to why I haven’t been posting on here.
Tw..
a guy that I though was my friend sexually assaulted me and 8 other girls on my college campus, we were able to get no contact orders against him, but that is “all” my school can do. I have him blocked on everything, including tumblr. I’m not going to go into detail about what he did exactly, but it is one reason I’m dipping back into ED tumblr.
xoxo- daphie luv
yk what, fuck the Ana lifestyle I don’t wanna panic every time I see my weight go up. I’m healthy at 114 pounds and that’s completely fine, all that weight is muscle mass from sports. I think it’s time for me to go into recovery
current mood
coloring in my colleges library while trying not to cry 👍
stupid rant
I feel like all my friends are pulling away from me and I don’t know why.
no one responds to my texts yet they don’t text me without me doing so first, or they say that they didn’t see my message when I can see when they read it. Everyone has time to hang together, but when I ask to join they have too many people even though it’s just my roommate and our two friends. Suddenly everything that we all used to do gets pushed to the side only for me to see them posting about how fun their day was, but they told me it was canceled.
I feel like I’m being excluded from my own friend group, and I hate this feeling of abandonment. I don’t like being lonely. And I might be overreacting but if you were in my place, you’d probably feel the same way!
when i actually do get “included” it’s like im not even there, i got talked over and brushed past, it’s like im a ghost. I thought part of college would be better then high school, but turns out it’s the exact same, full of fake friends and people that only want to use you for their own gain. Fuck this place and fuck my friends
life update
over the past few weeks a lot has happened that I haven't talked about on here. to sum it up there's this man that's been stalking me since November and my college is doing next to nothing about it.
ive been to a fuck ton of meetings about it and I had one today where someone finally took me seriously about how this guy is not a student but instead a guy that's old enough to be my father. he knows where I live and just stands across the Road or paces by the door waiting.
its creepy as fuck and has left me feeling unsafe and like im being watched all the time. im terrified of walking by myself and im jumpy no matter what.
my friends are mostly being people that I can lean on but just today a close friend of mine has told be to not keep them updated and that they don't care. it might be an extreme reaction, but when things like this happen I block their number for a bit to give people space and to take a step back.
I want to continue being active on Tumblr but everything is getting to me and im honestly this close to deleting all of my socials and not talking to anyone on my campus. this on top of my eating disorder is not going well at all. im In a constant state of binging and then purging it all from worry and then I starve for 3 days and then I repeat the fucking cycle all while going to classes and meetings with the head of our campus security. it wasn't until today that I fully told my boyfriend what's been going on because I didn't want to admit that im being stalked as that would make it seem more real.
this on top of the state of the us is making me really debate why im still here. I might have stopped being super suicidal, but the urge to slit my wrists is coming back super strong. ive even started writing in my old journal about it while also drawing out how I have been feeling in it.
everything is getting to be too much for me and I want it all to end immediately. I NEED it to end before I end it all once and for all guys.
I got kinda bored while waiting for my meeting time, so enjoy the avatar I made of myself. depending on how much I like it, I might make it my profile!
1/28 day
on Tuesdays I have an early start to my day as my first class starts at 8:15, im one of the first people to get there however so that I can review any notes from the class before and so that I can answer my emails. my class went by soooo slow today, it ended early though so that's a nice change. normally we end at 9:20. I had time to go and grab a small breakfast, and as much as id like to skip breakfast ive got a busy day ahead of me so I needed some calories this morning to keep my blood sugar up.
the only downside about going to my colleges cafe is that they don't say how many calories are in what they serve :(
anyway, I had a quick FaceTime with my mom while she was a work to talk about my finical aid since that fuckface of a president that we have now decided to freeze all federal aid to colleges. we think that I should be ok for this semester but next year will probably be a struggle. this summer to hopefully save some money im going to be working full time, and even then I won't have enough saved up.
after breakfast I'll be having a meeting with student success to talk about how the start of my semester is going and to chat about possibly starting tutoring. I'm struggling in my history class since all the professor does is talk and doesn't give us anything to study/ take notes on.
after that meeting I don't have class until 2, which gives me time to work on some reading for another class.
idk
sometimes it’s nice to have an equally disorders roommate, we understand each other’s struggles. Tn we decided to go on a night drive and to stay up all night to cope with everything going on in the world. I think we will be out till about 1 ish
psa- Ana/ED coaches
hey guys, I just wanted to post a little psa about Ana coaches. you really need to be careful about who you talk to on here, especially those under the age of 18. just today I got a dm about someone wanting to be my coach, however due to be being in a lecture hall I didn't want someone to read over my shoulder to I didn't look at their profile. this is something that you should do before responding.
honestly their username should have given it away, and that's something to keep an eye out for. they started the dm very kind and asked me what weight I wanted to get down to and the first they I ask is if they were one of those creepy Ana coaches and they said "I am a little creepy" GUYs this is such a red flag! I should have stopped responding a blocked them immediately, but I wanted to get more information so that I can tell you all what to look out for.
there are some people on this site and on others, who might have a sexual liking for those who are dieting or are a part of the Ana/ ED community. they went on to asking me how I would like to start and I flat out said that I had no interest in being involved in any kind of sexual or kinky thing that they clearly wanted and that if they wanted that then to go elsewhere as I am not that kind of blog. and while they did eventually back off, there are some people on here that might be more persistent.
please, pleaseee be careful about who you interact to on here especially if you are a minor- even more so if your age is in your bio as that is what they look for.
if you see the blog name 'memeandom' in your dms and they are asking if you are looking for an Ana coach and you are A. under age, B. not a sexual or kinky blog block them and if they persist then report them.
first day of the new semester!
Y’all it’s fucking freezing rn
my first cross stitch
There’s really not much to this post, I just wanted to share the finished piece of the cross stitch I started. This is gonna get turned into a quilt pillow for my aunts birthday in March, I really hope she likes it. She’s obsessed with the beach and if she could would spend every day there- as I kid I used to think she was a mermaid in disguise lol-
I ended up not doing the little knot details because I couldn’t get it and was becoming a little bit frustrated, but I plan to try again at this on a future project
Ana Story
about halfway through my first semester of college I had a friend of mine that I spoke to about my ed, he never judged me and while I knew that he was worried he never tried to force me into recovery- at least at that time- sometimes he forgot that there were some things that triggered me. The time that I talking about was when I started bingeing quite a bit due to stress, anyway to see the scene I had a lot of food on my plate and as I sit down he looks over to me and says” are you gonna eat all that? Can you really handle it? If not I’ll finish it for you” I think he saw the look on my face of pure guilt and regret, because as I tried to take another bite I stopped and pushed the plate away and said “nvm I not hungry anymore”. It wasn’t until later that I got a text from him saying that he didn’t realize that what he said caused me to stop eating and that some of the other people at our table told him that what he said probably made me feel like shit- which it did and I ended up going on a 4 day fast that ended with me fainting in class-
I haven’t spoken to him in a while, mostly because of winter break. He’s a good friend but really wants me to recover eventually, he’s got a bit of a hero complex- which I don’t really mind- he’s super easy to talk to and is a safe space for me. There’s been times when we both couldn’t sleep so we go on hour long walks around campus just talking, then we sit somewhere on campus talking more long into the night. There was this one time that we laid on the concrete infront of the chapel just staring at the night sky, it was so peaceful. id like to experience that at least one more time in my life, just to hear him call me is angel again
This is us laying on the floor in one of the dorm halls kitchen while our friends make cookies, it’s sometime around 1 am at this point. We’re all tired but there’s too much on our minds to sleep, it was strangely peaceful and calming even though we all had so much going on.
craft update
yesterday after going to the dentists, my nana wanted to go to the craft store to look around since there was a big sale and I had a coupon. So we walk around and I offhandly mentioned that I wanted to try doing cross stitch, so she goes all in and gets me a starter kit and some of the fabric for it. I even have some embroidery floss that’s back at home.
anyway I wanted to show everyone my new hobby lol
I’ve spent a little over 5 hours on this guys, why is it so addictive!
winter photos
I’m officially going back to my college dorm this Saturday so you know what that means, fasting without my family pressuring me to eat every chance they get!
ngl I really was glad that I could visit my family for a while school way getting to be too much for me during finals so this was a great time to reset.
crochet blog
I haven’t had too much time to crochet, but i figured I show what I’ve got done lately
It’s honestly not a lot just because I haven’t been feeling too well, but I plan on doing more in the morning
update found out that it wasn’t just breaking my fast that fucked up my stomach, but also the norovirus so that was a great experience.
I’m doing better now, however my sister accidentally caught it from me so now she’s sick. I took a little bit of a break from posting so that I could recover as all I could do was drink water, sleep, drink more water, vomit, drink even more water then sleep for 10 hours and sleep be exhausted when I get up.
I will say it was nice to sleep so much as I have reallllly bad insomnia and rarely get to sleep more than 2-3 hours. Most of the time I might be able to get 3 hours of sleep but it’s with periods of wakefulness. I feel like every 10 minutes of sleep I get I can’t sleep for 20-30 minutes, I’ve been off of melatonin for a while now just to give my body a break from it as in high school I was taking waay more then the recommended amount for someone of my height and weight.
Yall I broke my fast/ diet restriction and I regret it soo much. Not just because of my weight loss goals, but mainly because everything that I had( which wasn’t much) fucked with my stomach so badly
little story
wow I love living in a townhouse and when I go to let my sister into the house ( after losing her keys) only to look behind her an see 7+ police cars at the neighbor across from us. This is a every few month experience for our neighborhood.
when we first moved into this house my mom got woken up to a banging on the door and strobe lights, only to open the door and in her words “a very good looking police officer” greeted her to ask about our next door neighbors, he was very understanding about how we don’t know them as we LITERALLY JUST MOVED IN.
my sister got woken up shortly after because they were calling out to the neighbors to get them to all walk outside and do the normal SWAT team shit, because yes my neighbors got SWATTED.
Now you might by asking, ‘but Daphie where were you when this happened?’ Dead asleep that’s where 😂
I slept through a fucking swatting, I have no memory of this happening until I was told about it in the morning.
moral of the story I can sleep through anything if I slept through a SWAT team- I have a few more stories like that in college lol
ok so, my second semester of college starts soon, and im already starting it off in a bad mental state. I got an email saying that im being placed on academic probation :/
im thinking about posting about how my days go a little bit more and what it's like trying to get off of that probation.
I feel bad for not being as active as I normally am, but I contracted the norovirus from a boy that I babysit and it's been hell.
i'm not complaining but I could do without the feeling like shit every second of my days.
I got my permit guys!!!!
guys I’m so nervous, I’m about to go and try to get my permit again!
guys I’m so nervous, I’m about to go and try to get my permit again!
Photo haul of college
I have sooo many photos of my first semester, this isn’t even half of it
My throne
a friend of mine recommended I do this here, I’m still a little unsure about it though
I has decided that if I’m never heard from again it’s because my finals have successfully offed me, finals:100 Daphne:- Literally all I’ve done today is cry, study, cry while eating the lunch I don’t deserve, cry more, study more, panic cuz I broke the necklace given to me by my late grandfather, cry cuz I couldn’t find it only to find it after 2 hours, lay on the floor and cry more till my roommate got home, then go with them to eat, feel worthless because my friend got mad that I asked to get a drink, then apologized after I said that I didn’t need the drink and that I was sorry then I proceed to cry on the phone with Charlie because he asked me how my day was and even though he was high out of his mind he called to talking me through my panic and calmed me down and then I found out that I have a final today and started freaking out yet again
Oh yeah, Charlie is my very supportive boyfriend and the love of my life :3
letter of gratitude
I normally don't post this kind of thing here, but this is a letter I had to write about someone who changed my life for the better. and while I know that there is no way for me to actually send this letter to her, I needed to get this off my chest.
I know that we haven’t talked in a while, and I know that you probably want nothing to do with me. I really regret how the last time we saw each other went, but I wanted to let you know that you were my best friend and the reason why I wanted to go to school every day. I enjoyed our walks around the playground, how we would talk about our worry’s and gushing about our crushes, all the while hiding how I had the biggest crush on you.
I remember that day in third grade so clearly, I had just returned to school after breaking my leg for the second time, and for some reason the school staff put me on the biggest hill and told me to stay there, I really don’t understand what went through their heads. But as I’m trying to wobble my way up the hill, I look up and see my childhood bully crying in the spot where I normally watch all the kids in our class play. Even though I was scared of you, I couldn’t let someone cry and not want to help them feel better- looking back it was very obvious that I was an empathetic child, I mean I used to cry if someone I cared for cried in front of me- so I walked up on my crutches and I asked you what was wrong, and in all the anger a crying third grader could muster; you told me to fuck off.
For some reason I didn’t back down, I don’t understand why I didn’t leave you there. But I couldn’t, I told you I wouldn’t leave and that talking to others makes me feel better when I’m sad, and that ill stay to listen even though your mean to me. I said “ I’m doing what I would want someone to do for me” after all that’s what my mom and girl scout leader told us all the time. Well actually they told us to “treat others the way we would want to be treated” but its basically the same thing. Anyway, we talked and somehow it sparked an unlikely friendship. After that day you would come and sit by me on that hill since I couldn’t do anything else, and then when I got my cast off, we would play, and you introduced me to your friends. I was so happy; I don’t think you ever knew how lonely I was before that. I didn’t have many friends as I was the shy quiet kid. I know that the teachers had talked to my parents before, and that they were worried that this added to me struggling in class. I also know that they were worried about you, I remember them always partnering us up for group work, and while child me didn’t know what all the side glances at us were, I know now.
And then in fourth grade when I re-broke that same leg, you sat by me during reses, and even when I worried that you would grow tired of me, you told me that you would rather sit with me then play with the kids that didn’t like you. I would bring you books that I thought you would like, and in class you would sit with me during the group reading activity and whisper to me the words that I couldn’t say correctly. I remember the teacher pulling us aside one day and saying that you were such a great friend for helping me when I got stuck, and I was so grateful that you didn’t make me feel stupid. You never teased me for being slow after learning about my ADHD, you actually got all the kids that bullied me for it to back off. I remember how we would get so excited when I had a doctor’s appointment because I was supposed to get my cast off, and the doctor told me that I wouldn’t need to used crutches anymore, so my mother sent me to school without them. However, by the second-class period I was in so much pain that I was sobbing, and you helped me limp my way to the nurse’s office to call my mom. You held my hand while I tried to explain to the women at the front desk why I needed to call my mom and when I couldn’t get the words out you, in your angry but worried fashion told her to “hurry up and call my mom because I was in a lot of pain.”
Fast forward to the fifth grade and we found out that were in the same class yet again, however this time the teacher wouldn’t let us sit next to each other. We ended up on completely opposite sides of the room. This didn’t stop us though, and we would make silly faces at each other only to get told off by the teacher. By the time that lunch came around we were glued to the hip, needing to catch up on all the time we didn’t get to talk. And then, about half-way through the fourth month, a girl names Reily moved to our school. There was something about her that just screamed ‘I need a friend’, and it felt like it was my duty to do everything I could do to befriend this girl. I was known as the girl in our class to be friends with everyone in our grade, all of that would have never happened if we didn’t become friends. You drew me out of my shell, and I mellowed you out a bit. You were the ying to my yang,
Unfortunately, every friendship has their arguments. Looking back on it, it was so stupid. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. We didn’t talk for a full three weeks, I remember all of our friends would talk to us separately, trying to get us to talk to one another. But we were both so stubborn. It got to the point that the school counselors got involved and so did our parents. It’s a bit of a blur for me, but I do remember that we made up and were back to being best friends.
You were there for me, and I was there for you, that’s what made up our friendship. We held each other together like glue. While we didn’t have phones in fifth grade, when I did get one before sixth grade, I immediately needed my mom to call your mom. In middle school we didn’t have many classes together, but we did have the same lunches. You were there to help me figure out why I suddenly stopped eating as much and why there were these girls in the grade above us telling me to kill myself and that I need to lose weight to fit in. I was already a small kid, but to them I wasn’t good enough. I just wanted to be their friend and at one point thought that they genuinely liked me. I held you while you cried and stayed on the phone with you when your mom would pass out after drinking, and then we would have sleepovers to take your mind off of it.
You would sit with me at lunch when I felt like even having ice would make me gain a crap ton of weight, and when I got so sick with worry you would hold my hair for me in the bathroom.
Over the summer we didn’t see each other at all, to this day I still don’t know. However, when the first day of seventh grade happened, we spent all of first block catching up, it felt like we were never apart. I still don’t know why, but something felt different about that year though. There was a looming feeling that I just couldn’t shake hanging over me, and I think you felt it too. We were more distant; we didn’t talk as much. Our friend group had little circles in it, and while the big group met up for lunch, the rest of the day was separated. I made other friends and so did you, but in the end, on the last day of seventh grade. I couldn’t stop crying, no matter what you tried, nothing would cheer me up. The entire friend group was so confused, I was having panic attack after panic attack. Every time I would stop crying for a bit, something would happen, and id start all over again. I know that I was the crybaby or goodie two-shoes in the group, but this was excessive- even for me-. I didn’t know how to tell you that I was moving, and I was such a wimp, that anytime that I would try to get it out, my lungs would feel like they were out of breath and my throat would feel tight. And I just couldn’t say it. So, I didn’t…
There isn’t a day where I don’t regret not telling you or any of our friends, it was the shittest thing I ever did. I guess the moral of the story of recounting our friendship- while leaving out the parts I really don’t want my professor to know- is that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you, and that I really appreciate the friendship that we had. I hope that someday, if I ever get the courage to send this to you, you read it and feel the same warm, fuzzy feeling that I get. I will admit, I cried multiple times while writing this, and my throat feels the same way you do after having a good cry, but I think that I really needed to get this off my chest.
I love you,
Daphie
I’ve decided to start going on my walks after classes again and omg does it feel good. I did have to take a bit of a break to go charge my phone since it was at 8 percent lol
after walk snack-
made good granola bar 100cal
mamma chia 70 cal
forgot to post this yesterday lol
Breakfast: skipped
Lunch
Broccoli 20
Steak teriyaki 120
Rice 110
Dinner: skipped
Total 250
little update
I started a water fast for the week to drop a few pounds right, so i was only drinking water, taking my daily vitamins, and having a few strawberries. But that couldn't keep up with my body and what i was doing, so while i was at a carnival with my boyfriend and some of our friends, i ended up fainting at one point then getting insanely nauseous. Which honestly in the long run helped me get out of eating at the carnival because theres really no way of seeing how many calories are in carnival food, so win lose i guess. i feel bad because i worried my boyfriend over nothing, all he asked of me was that i took a little break for the rest if the day from my fast to eat some fruit and sip on a juice box. At the most i think that was about 25 extra calories and seeing as I've barely been hitting my calorie restriction (which is 500) and at the time i was only at 85, i think it was ok to take a break for the moment. Ill be back at it tomorrow though.