Fantasy Suites - Blog Posts

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

This season has flown by. I might say that every season, butit feels truer than ever here with Chris. Perhaps it’s because he’s so boringor because the women aren’t really that into him or because they didn’t goabroad and the dates were really boring. It could be a combination of all those factors resulting one dramatic, yet simultaneously, uneventful season.

For all the sound a fury signifying nothing it took to get us here, we’re at the Fantasy Suite dates already. The show has finally sprung for a trip overseas, and we find our remaining three ladies and Farmer Chris in beautiful Bali. Chris says it’s very far away from Iowa, and I’d have to agree here. Indonesia and Iowa are very far apart on the globe.

Kaitlyn is up first for her date. They start by going into a temple and are taught some traditional ceremonies by a group of women in the most beautifully colored clothing. After the temple, they walk around the streets and drink a beer, have fun with the locals. Chris loves that Kaitlyn is at ease everywhere and always seems to have fun in any situation.

Cut to the two of them walking into a monkey “sanctuary” (I use that word VERY lightly), where they are giving tiny bananas to feed to the dozens of monkeys all around. Chris gets pounced on immediately by several monkeys vying for his banana, and I can’t help but see that as a beautiful metaphor for this whole process.

“I really like to think I’m this tough person who can handle whatever comes my way, but not if it’s a monkey,” quips Kaitlyn. She’s having a rough go of it here at Monkey Sanctuary. The humidity of a tropical climate is not agreeing with her hair. She even makes a pained metaphor for how the monkeys fear for nothing in going after what they want (thanks to their habitat being destroyed and becoming dependent on human tourists for food), and she wishes she could be like that too. Ugh, Kaitlyn, I thought I could at least count on you to make the same penis joke I made, but alas, this show has gotten to you.

After making out in front of some cool trees, Kaitlyn regales Chris with how much her whole family loved him. Kaitlyn is trying to open up as much as possible because she doesn’t want Chris to worry that she has a guard up.

As we transition into the dinner portion of the date, we finally get our first shot of a stray cat this season! Those producers must have been dying being trapped in the States where we just don’t have as many stray animals to add humor to establishing shots.

At dinner Chris asks why Kaitlyn feels she has a guard up. Would you look at that? She does her best to answer him truthfully that it’s hard to feel so vulnerable in this situation. They blather on about vulnerability and “putting yourself out there” for a few more minutes before finally getting to the Fantasy Suite card.

She accepts it immediately. Chris agrees that they “deserve” it. Do they? I guess they do. I think the sexual chemistry between these two is undeniable, but I am still unsure as to whether their “emotional connection” can withstand the desolate wrath of Arlington, Iowa.

The producers get the money shot when Kaitlyn finally gets the words out that she is “falling in love” with Chris! Oh the relief on their faces. However, Chris counters that statement by telling Kaitlyn that HE TOO is falling in love with her! Now. THIS IS HUGE. I was under the impression that he is contractually obligated NOT to say anything like that to the women until his final rose. That’s why it’s always such a big deal that everybody feels insecure and doesn’t know where they stand at the end because they’ve said, “I love you,” and heard nothing in return. This could be a source of drama down the road, especially if he doesn’t end up choosing Kaitlyn.

Next up on the Fantasy Dates is Whitney. Whitney is a few steps ahead of Kaitlyn as she has already revealed that she is straight up in love with Chris. They meet to have their date on a boat. I love this. I’m never jealous of helicopter rides or private concerts from C list country stars, but I am always, always jealous of private boat rides in a tropical locale. Hell, I’d settle for a boat ride on the Missouri River. I just love boats. So tuck that little nugget away in your mental file folder of Stuff Cassie Loves.

They set sail on the Indian Ocean in a truly majestic sail boat to talk about love and their feelings. Whitney hopes to address and smooth over the fact that her sister did not give her “full” blessing for her hand in marriage. Whitney is also very calm, cool, and collected about her feelings.

“I’ve never felt so ready or sure about anything in my whole life,” she says. She’s also rocking quite the tan. Bali has been good to her.

When the subject of her sister comes up, Whitney does a wonderful job explaining how Kimberly really did a big part in raising her and is very protective. But Chris gets it. They kiss a bunch after he tells her not to worry about that and that Kimberly didn’t change his feelings for her at all.

“I feel confident that I’m going to marry Chris,” Whitney beams to camera. And I don’t doubt that she feels that. I think she’s the front runner right now, but guys, how many times have I been wrong in the past? All the time. I’m almost always wrong about who the final pick is.

At dinner, Whitney is wearing this great neon yellow maxi dress. I covet it. Chris wants to take this opportunity to talk to Whitney about the reality of moving to Arlington with her job. He deeply respects how hard she’s worked for her job and how passionate she is, so he just wants to make sure he’s not asking too much of her.

He really lays it all out there as far as how small Arlington is: how there’s nothing to do there, how you have to drive to somewhere else to do anything. He refers to it as his “biggest insecurity in this.” That’s fair because wow is it a deal breaker. I mean aside from Chris being as interesting as the empty box of Wheat Thins on my lap, Arlington is a real no-go.

“I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but I’ve always wanted to be a mom and be a wife. And my mom taught me that sometimes, even when you are those things, it doesn’t work out. So you need to have something to fall back on. So I have this career, but I’m not fully happy...So if I moved to Arlington, I would leave my career…And I would want to start having babies, and that would be my career,” Whitney explains to Chris. Chris beams the biggest stupid smile ever when she explains that having babies would be her career, and I want to DIE. COME ON, WHITNEY.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a mother and wanting to put your full focus and time into that. Whitney is well aware that you can be many things as a woman. HOWEVER, saying “having babies would be my career” IS THE WORST. It sounds so backwards and wrong. Ugh. We are not baby factories.

“It’s not where you are. It’s who you’re with,” concludes Whitney.

Chris tells the cameras that if things continue as they are going, he could definitely see himself proposing to Whitney. And with that, they head right into the Fantasy Suite. It’s so Plush Ass. These Fantasy Suites are the only true Plush Ass Suites there have been this season.

Becca’s turn, y’all! Becca is, once again, stunningly beautiful here in Bali. She’s very nervous about the Fantasy Suite because she hasn’t yet told Chris about how she is waiting until marriage to have sex. Chris is worried about the fact that Becca has never been in love before because he really wants to come away from the show and have a relationship work. And certainly that’s a rational fear that just because someone hasn’t been in love before that they couldn’t figure it out and make a relationship work. Certainly. Certainly.

For their date, they are a walking around a gorgeous agricultural village. Chris is explaining farming and irrigation to Becca and is generally awe inspired by how these people farm in a way that “we” haven’t in hundreds of years.

And then, Becca and Chris go into a temple to meet with The Medium of the Village. So they can ask him about their future and have it foretold unto them. Wow! First Ziporah and now the Village Medium! If any Bachelor needs to mystics and mediums to spice things up, it’s Chris! They ask him questions like “Are we meant to be together?” and “Will Chris be a good dad one day?” and then Chris asks, “What’s her biggest weakness?”

The Medium of the Village responds (through an adorable translator), “She’s hard to control.” Which, I like that. I’m a wild mustang! But also, does he need to control her? No. He does not.

We get a real comedic moment, when, hoo boy get ready for how funny this is, Becca asks for advice for their important date tonight and the only thing that really gets translated is “making love.” Wow. Hilarious. I can barely type I’m laughing so hard. Sex between consenting adults is HIGH STAKES COMEDY.

“I’m glad he brought that up. I was just not thinking about it,” Becca jokes to camera. That’s actually a bit of a funny reaction from her which I appreciate. Becca has not really been shown that much despite her being all the way at the end here.

Becca continues to worry about telling Chris that she is a virgin and waiting until marriage before the Fantasy Suite tonight. She’s wearing a saffron yellow dress that is so short it flounces out from underneath her as she sits for dinner.

Chris loved her family and can see a future with her but is still worried that because she’s never been in love, she can’t get to that point with Chris. Ugh. This is such a non-issue. I mean, this show requires you to get to an advanced point quickly, so that’s fair in Bachelor World. But still, just let her get there on her own.

They address just that as Becca reveals that she believes she really is falling in love with Chris. She is also wary of moving to Arlington until she’s 100% sure that she wants to be Chris’s wife and spend forever with him. So those go hand in hand and satisfy both of Chris’s main concerns about her.

Right after this reveal of love, Chris busts out the Fantasy Suite invite. Becca takes a dramatic pause to think it over and explains to camera what her reservations are. She’s is worried that Chris will not be ok with her decision, and she’s also worried about the fact that there will be temptation in the Fantasy Suite.

“I’m not naïve to that,” she says, regarding the things that go on in the Fantasy Suite. In the end, she decides to accept the invitation in order to spend even more time with Chris.

Chris is excited to get to know Becca on a “whole other level, a level of intimacy that hasn’t been allowed.” Oh Chris, you poor, poor man. And your poor, poor boner.

After they explore the amazing Fanstasy Suite, Becca sits him down to have a frank conversation about her decision to wait until marriage to have sex. She explains that she wants him to be honest about his feelings and to be straightforward about what she’s about to tell him.

I really admire the way Becca has played this entire situation and especially the way she is telling Chris about it. With Ashley I., it was a big dramatic thing and something that you could tell she was very self-conscious of. Which is why the way she told Chris was awkward, uncomfortable, and self-conscious.

Becca on the other hand, while nervous, is confident about this fact and is standing by her convictions. I respect that. She tells Chris that it’s something very important to her.

“It’s a big part of who I am…it’s something that I want to talk about and not just kind of skim over. But I am a virgin,” Becca says.

Chris exhales deeply and then composes one of signature eloquent speeches, “Um, I am glad that you…and I…it’s never easy to respond to that kind of stuff. But I respect that in a lot of ways…it surprises me, and uh, I think says a lot of who you are and,” Chris explains, “I’m really more interested in figuring out if this could work.”

Becca thinks Chris’s response was perfect. Well, it was a good enough response. And although I can feel the disappointment that he doesn’t get to have sex with Becca radiating off his sweaty forehead, he takes it reasonably well. Again, though, as if he could respond poorly to that and not get skewered and roasted for it?

But the next day, Chris says that the overnight date with Becca was wonderful and that he’s falling in love with her. However, when they woke up together, they had a conversation about their future that left Chris feeling more confused than ever. He doesn’t know what to do because now he has to send either Becca or Kaitlyn, “or even Whitney” he adds as a hasty correction, home. Yeah, you’re not sending Whitney home, you dolt. Whitney was created in a lab to be the perfect contestant on this show.

Chris is just very conflicted about who he’s going to send home tonight. He gets emotional when he talks about how badly he wants all these women to meet his family. Oh Chris, you’ll figure it out. He sits down with Chrarrison to sort this all out. Chrarrison is amazed that Chris feels so strongly for all the women. He’s most nervous about Becca because she is not in the same advanced place emotionally and is also not as willing to pick up her life and moving to Arlington.

However, Chris feels so strongly about Becca and her family that he could see her being the one for him. He also feels that way about Kaitlyn. He also feels great about Whitney, although he’s all but confirmed that her rose is the only one he’s certain about.

In order to put as strange a filter on this rose ceremony as possible, they gather for the Rose Ceremony at one of the most sacred temples in Bali. There are very strict rules about no kissing and ladies with shoulders covered etc. Everyone is dressed in a kind of traditional way with Chris in white and the ladies in bright colors. They actually look quite lovely.

After Chris makes a speech about how grateful he feels to be there with all of them, he asks to speak to Becca. What results is a conversation where Becca reconfirms what we heard last night about her falling in love with him and that being why she’s still there. She also explains that she could move to Arlington.

And with that we cut to Kaitlyn who really feels that he’s telling Becca good-bye. She feels guilty for feeling happy that someone else is going home, but she’s excited that she could get to the end with Chris.

Smash-cut to Chris and Becca walking back into the ceremony area hand-in-hand. Whitney is surprised because she feels that Becca is very different from her.

“I think she’s young. I think she lacks life experience, and I don’t know if she’s ready for this,” Whitney explains. I agree 100%. I think Chris is getting wrapped up in the romance of the show with Becca. She’s not a realistic choice.

As he picks up the first rose, the dramatic music crescendos. He calls Whitney first. Obviously. And then that last rose goes to…BECCA. IT’S BECCA YOU GUYS. HOLY CRAP. I was mostly not expecting that. He’s such an idiot.

Kaitlyn is very hurt and visibly shaken. Becca tries to reach out a hand to her, and Kaitlyn declines it. Like a boss.

They make the very long walk out of the temple so Chris can finally hug her and tell her he’s sorry. Kaitlyn asks what happened, and Chris just talks about how hard it was for him and how excruciating it was for him and how HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IF IT’S THE RIGHT DECISION. What a piece of shit. Also a rooster LOUDLY crows in the middle of Chris making it all about him. Sure, Chris. Keep talking about how hard this is FOR YOU as you break the heart of a real live woman on TV. That rooster crowing signifying YOUR BETRYAYL, JUST LIKE IN THE BIBLE.

Poor Kaitlyn. I actually enjoyed her for the most part. She was a real person with a personality and not a Bachelor robot. Well folks, on that happy note, we’re off until next week with the Women Tell All! Won’t that be fun? It really will be. Nothing I love quite like the Women Tell All. And also, I feel that with Kaitlyn’s fun-loving personality and big-time heartbreak, she could be well posed to be the next Bachelorette.

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

Hello again everyone. Back so soon for more Bachelorette good times? We are so close to finishing this thing I can taste it. I can also taste the Jewel brand chocolate chip cookies I am mainlining into my face-hole right now, but I can also dimly taste the sense of accomplishment of finishing this season. Let’s savor, shall we?

We are in the tropical island paradise of rich culture and generally impoverished people of the Dominican Republic. The producers give us that special, special time with Andi where instead of watching her walk around the resort thinking back on her relationships with the three remaining men, we watch Andi journal through her relationships with the three remaining men. Let’s boil down the whole segment: Andi likes Josh; Andi likes Chris; Andi likes Nick.

The one thing this whole video montage made me remember were all the amazing turtlenecks we saw this season. There were some really great turtlenecks, but I think that now, mercifully, we are spared from the wrath of sweaters evocative of the necks of turtles because of the Caribbean climate.

Andi is thrilled for her first one-on-one date this week with Nick. She is really excited to spend so much time with him. They hop right into a helicopter (yay!) to go see the gorgeous coast of the island of Hispaniola on which the Dominican Republic, along with Haiti, resides. So don’t say I never taught you anything.

They land on a private island with a private beach and private picnicking and snorkel gear! I want to snorkel there! Before they snorkel they make out in the water a lot. Then they sit on the beach and have a very important discussion on how Nick really felt after his bad break ups. He fumbles over his words to tell Andi how he really feels which is that he loves her. He rambles and bumbles and stops and starts. My roommate makes a very good point that Nick’s emotions for Andi are obviously real because there’s no way he’d be so dorky and fumbling over the right words if he was a player. He’d have it all scripted out. Good point, Casey.

After that awkward conversation, they snorkel! And make out. Mostly making out under the guise of snorkeling.

They get back to the main island for a moonlit dinner on the beach. And some boring stuff happens but then the BEST THING HAPPENS. In the grand tradition of the guys doing weird shit to show their love, Nick has written AND ILLUSTRATED a fairytale about him and Andi’s love. WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED A FAIRYTALE. YOU GUYS.

He even went to the trouble of distressing the edges of the illustrations before pasting them with a glue stick onto the pages of a red leather bound book onto which he had also pasted the typed out words of the story. It looks long as hell too. Andi is of course the best sport and may even genuinely be really touched by this weird, weird, weird gesture.

Andi then presents him with the Fantasy Suite card and he rambles along before finally saying that he’s trying to say yes. Nick tries one last time to express his full emotions by pulling Andi aside to talk to her by a palm tree. He then enumerates all the things he likes about her and tells her that he loves her. “You know, you’re it for me. And it’s terrifying. But when you know, you know,” he says. There you go Nick! That’s all you needed to say. Andi is of course contractually obligated not to say I love you back, but she kisses the shit out of him. They go into the fantasy suite and that’s that. They presumably bone their little brains out.

Now it’s time for Josh’s day of fun with Andi! They are in the capital city of Santo Domingo which is inland and therefore five million degrees hotter than the coast. They explore the city and try different foods and drinks. And surprise! Josh speaks Spanish! As a fellow hispanohablante, this makes me like him just a smidgeon more. They dance in the square together and make the most out of both being bad dancers.

Then Josh endears himself to me even more by speaking Spanish to a bunch of little kids that they play baseball with. That’s really sweet and a cool activity. As long as they weren’t actually disrupting a game that these kids were playing. Eh. Let’s pretend they didn’t!

After the game they have a talk on a park bench and Josh tells Andi that he loves her. Andi is thrilled and they kiss a lot. Josh even calls out the fact that he knows Andi can’t say anything back. Interesting. And a bold move for Josh to put himself out there and “put his guard down” with Andi.

Dinner is at a beautiful resort where the both of them sweat buckets. I can’t really focus on the discussion for all the sweat pouring out of their faces. They talk about how they would be as parents and what they want out of the relationship and the future. So after much talking AND NO EATING. NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. NO, NO, NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. You can’t go to the fantasy suite on an empty stomach! The thing that kills me is that the napkins are still in the napkin rings. The food hasn’t even been pushed around to give the appearance of having been eaten. When do these people eat???

They go to walk to the fantasy suite and watch a fireworks show. Then go into a seriously plush ass fantasy suite. It’s the size of a small mansion. They are excited to just be together and “have more time to spend together”. Why this show tries so hard to be coy about what happens inside those fantasy suites is beyond me, but they just are.

Andi and Chris meet in the middle of the countryside of Rancho Peligro (Danger Ranch!). She is wearing this caftan-like top that would be a real cute beach cover-up but not a skirt/dress like she’s wearing. And in these tiny little short-shorts Andi is going horseback riding. NO thanks. No thank you. Farmer Chris is excited and feeling confident. Andi is nervous, very, very frightfully nervous. And she should be because wearing shorty-shorts on horseback in 10000 degree heat would be hell on earth.

Chris is being so supportive and patient with Andi as she panics on her horse. She is not good at riding that horse. It’s hard to be that bad at sitting on a horse. They stop at an obliging tree for a little picnic. Chris is so sweet. Andi takes the time to tell him how much she loved his whole family. They do more generally sweet stuff and even play hide and seek which they call ghost in the graveyard, but we all know that ghost in the graveyard is only for when it’s dark out. So there.

The two change out of horse-riding mode and settle down to have a poolside chat. They talk more about “the Iowa thing”. Chris tries to tell her that he knows how hard it would be for her to make the transition to Iowa life, but that it’s not beyond her grasp to be successful there. Andi makes some good points that it’s hard to take a gamble on moving to Iowa and putting all this faith in a decision they don’t know will work out.

Then she picks up the fantasy suite card and says that making the decision to give that card with so many unknowns with Chris is going to be hard. And he pauses and says, “I don’t know where you want me to…what you want me to do at this point.” She starts to get pretty emotional as they continue the discussion. Chris takes the opportunity to once again tell her that he’s in love with her.

“I could sit here and blame it on Iowa and take the easy way out…but part of it is because I don’t see the foundation is there with us,” she tearfully says to him. Oh, Chris. Oh poor Chris. To tell a woman you love her and for her to say she’s not on the same page on NATIONAL TELEVISION has got to be a bitter pill to swallow. She continues to explain everything to him very sadly that she just is not in love with him like he is in love with her.

Chris, like the true gentleman and man that he is, is so gracious and respectful to her. You can see in the slump of his shoulders how crushed he is. He is absolutely crestfallen, and it is so hard to watch. Andi even says that “on paper” he has everything that a woman could ever want, but “my heart and my head don’t match up”.

And then they get up to say their final good-bye, and you guys, I’m not kidding, I lose it. I lose it and cry a little because Chris COULD NOT BE A NICER PERSON. He tells her what an amazing woman she is even as she denies it. She apologizes again and he says, “Don’t be sorry. You can’t control your feelings. I want you to feel all the things I feel for you, but if you don’t, then let me go home.” She tells him how grateful she is to know him and that he was there for this whole experience, and they hug goodbye. This show made me cry you guys. What is happening?

IT’S JUST TESTAMENT TO WHAT A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING CHRIS IS. I NOW HAVE ZERO DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE OUR NEXT BACHELOR BECAUSE HOW COULD HE NOT BE AFTER THIS????

For the ruse of the Rose Ceremony, Andi is wearing a guava pink chiffon sack. It’s beautiful to be sure but a sack nonetheless. She sits down with Chrarrison to debrief the whole week from her breakup with Chris the night before to both men telling her that they are in love. Andi weighs the positives and negatives of both guys to help us fill the time that would’ve been occupied by a rose ceremony.

But they decide to still go through a rose ceremony because the men still need to accept a rose to say that they are still 100% in this. And after they have accepted that rose, to say that could see getting down on one knee after meeting Andi’s family.

The boys are both trotted out to a small dais on the edge of the sea. When Chrarrison comes down to greet them, he tells them that Chris is no longer there much to their surprise. But this is now the third season in a row where there have only been two contestants left at the rose ceremony after the fantasy suite dates. In Desiree’s season Brooks went home early, last season Andi dumped Juan Pablo, and now Chris was let go before the fantasy suite.

With little ado, the roses are given out to Nick and Josh respectively. They are all smiling and so happy to be almost at an end. Josh is sweating through his navy blue shirt and light gray pants so hard.

Josh says he can already picture her being called Andi Murray because that “has a nice ring to it.” Darn tootin’ it does because that’s already the name of a famous tennis player. A really famous tennis player. So that might be why you can already hear that name clanging around your head.

THAT’S IT GUYS! WE JUST HAVE THE MEN TELL ALL LEFT AND THEN THE FINALE WILL BE NIGH UPON US! WE’RE SO CLOSE! THAT TASTE IS SO STRONG IN MY MOUTH!!!!! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD FOR MORE FUN TIMES AND ALSO FOLLOW HERE ON TUMBLR FOR OTHER JUICY GOSSIP AND ME YELLING IN ALL CAPS ABOUT THINGS I LIKE! BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!