Ft. Leon - Blog Posts

salem had enough on her plate with her album release looming over her head slated for later this month. her talk with leon allowed her to get everything off her chest but she still was feeling really confused about it all. she hadn't seen him since that night at her place and though she appreciated him giving her the time she needed sort through things she missed him terribly. she'd been sending emails from her phone to her manager and label when she heard a familiar voice. "hey blondie." salem replied with a small smile. "you can sit if you want." gesturing toward the empty chair across from her. she took a sip of her latte and sent off the email she'd been focused on before setting her phone down on the table. "sorry, i'm dealing with all this album release stuff. originally i was just gonna drop it with no announcement or anything but they're telling me i should build anticipation on the internet about it." leaning back in her chair she shrugged a bit. "anyways, how are you?"

he didn't expect to see her as soon as he stepped back out of his godmother's place. well, he had done it before to buy groceries and shit, but he never ran into her. and now he's at a coffee shop in line when he turns around for whatever reason, and she's here. she's sitting on a table by herself and leon wonders if he should approach her. he's missed her terribly, but he knew he had to give her space to sort out her thoughts and feelings after everything he put her through. he wouldn't blame her if she still hates him and never wants to see him again. the man really hopes that scenario isn't true. after getting a tall americano, leon walks over to salem and clears his throat so she can look up and find him looking at her with a shy smile. "hi, sal." his voice is soft and his eyes are kind.

@cybermuses

"yeah, you are an asshole actually." salem replied, only half serious. she looked down at their hands as he grabbed hers and listened to him speak. his reasoning made sense, sort of...but she knew how bad his mental health could get and had seem him through bad times in the past. she couldn't really understand why this time would be any different. "well you hurt me anyways so..." her voice trailing off for a moment before continuing. "we've been through so much. i know you believe that you were sparing me a lot of pain by ending things but you did the opposite. i felt like shit about myself when you left me and i was in a really horrible place. i guess i just figured after everything we'd been through we truly could get through anything. i would have seen it through with everything you dealt with but you really didn't give us a chance to at least try." she started getting emotional as she spoke, there was so much hurt coming to the surface from the past couple of months. could she really just forget about all of that and move forward with him? salem was a little surprised when he said he hadn't slept with anyone else while they were apart --unfortunately she couldn't say the same but that was another conversation for another time. "i believe you when you say that." her eyes met his when he cupped her face in his hands. leon looked so defeated from it all it broke her heart. if anything she was more upset that he didn't let her be there for him. "that wasn't your decision to make for me though. i get you didn't want me to feel trapped or whatever but it wasn't fair of you to decide that for me. i would have stuck around, we could have worked it out somehow." letting out a sigh she pulled back as his thumbs grazed her cheek. she missed him terribly and felt way too vulnerable in this moment to his affection. "I love you and i'm sorry you were having such a hard time, i really am but...." her nerves starting to get the best of her. "i'm just tired of breaking up and i really need to think about things. we're gonna go through plenty other hard times and we'll be apart for long periods of time with the both of us being musicians and i wanna feel secure with you but i don't right now."

leon nods his head, everything she's saying is totally valid right now. "yeah, i'm an asshole," he sighs with the littlest nervous grin. the only thing keeping him together right now is knowing that he really did have the best intentions and it was all a miscommunication problem. "listen, sal," the blond runs a hand through his hair before getting a hold of her own hands. they're cold and he hates it, it hurts. "what i meant was that i didn't trust myself, or my mental health, not to hurt you, you know? exhibit a," he shrugs his shoulders, hoping she would understand. "imagine how shitty i would've made you feel if we kept in touch while i was dealing with all of that. i didn't trust myself enough to be an adult and not lash out at you if i was feeling particularly stressed or depressed one day. i never, ever," he emphasizes the word and holds her hand tightly so she can feel how sorry he is, "meant to hurt you. i never meant to make you feel like i wanted to, i don't know, fuck someone else because my dick thinks on its own. i didn't, alright? i didn't fuck anyone else. i need you to believe me, sal. please." leon makes a bold decision and runs his hand up to cup her face. "and i honestly didn't think she would've died so soon. i've heard stories about people with alzheimer that live on for more than five, ten years. and i didn't want you to feel trapped in that. you don't deserve that." his voice shakes, he needs her to know where he's coming from and how sorry he is. "i really do apologize. it's no excuse but i guess the fear of you leaving me because i turned into such a stranger, a cruel one, would be too much. maybe it's one of those rip-the-bandaid things before you'd do it for me. i guess i would've rather hurt you first so you didn't have to put with my shit. i know it's not... it's not fair and it maybe doesn't make much sense to you right now, but sal," he looks into her eyes and grazes the pad of his thumbs along her cheekbones. so fucking pretty. "i swear you would've hated my guts. i wasn't my best self. i'm only my best self, or i try to be, when i'm with you." leon falls silent for a few seconds. "i'm sorry i didn't trust myself enough to do it alone. i love you. i understand if you don't wanna see me again. i just needed you to know everything"

salem followed leon over to the couch and sat down with him. her nerves were getting the best of her, not being sure what he was going to say or what his reasoning was for leaving her the way he did gave her a bit of anxiety. she decided to let him speak first and state his reasons ( or excuses ) and she'd vent after the fact to him about what was on her mind. as he told her the story about what was going on with his family she nodded and listened, salem was always empathetic and understanding of the situation he'd been dealing with for a while. the details about everything broke her heart and knowing he was dealing with that much back home made her feel a little guilty about being so angry at him but there was still something that was bothering her. "i'm really sorry you had to deal with all of that alone and you had so much on your plate...." salem let out a sigh before continuing on. "...but like the issue wasn't about you leaving and me not coming with you. the issue was you not wanting to be long distance with me. i mean, you said you couldn't do it and you know i was so understanding about you having to go back home but like you said you didn't trust yourself? i need to know what you meant by that part. if it wasn't about you potentially cheating on me then what was it about?" the question had been eating at her for a couple weeks and truthfully it sounded like complete bullshit to her but she knew given their history the least she could do is give him the benefit of the doubt.

leon lets her talk, even if it breaks his heart. she's so right about everything, but he genuinely thought this was a good idea at the time. the man nods, twisting his lips, anxious as every word that leaves salem's mouth stab him in the chest. he feels so dumb. such a fucking idiot for thinking he knew what was best for the relationship without taking her into consideration. such an asshole. again. he knows he still has to grow up, but things take time. therapy takes time. he wishes he could fast-forward to the time of his life when he's happy with his girl. with a sigh, leon shakes his head almost imperceptibly before gathering the courage to be a good person to salem. "yeah, okay," the blond leads her to the couch to sit down. "i know i told you my grandma has alzheimer. and i knew i had to go back home to take care of her and mostly my mother, she and my grandma never had a healthy relationship, you know? she could be such a bitch to my mom, to be honest." sometimes context is needed to tell the whole story. some details are so damn personal that he hesitates to share them. but he does. "and well, you know how it is with my mom. i'd feel upset and she would yell at me. she wouldn't validate my feelings, at all. and everything started going smoothly between us when i moved out. i was so fucking afraid of what i could become going back there. i obviously didn't want to bring you because i didn't want you to freak out. so i flew back to seattle, my grandma was yelling all day and eating things she shouldn't because she also has diabetes, you know. so i had to keep an eye on her, and also on my mom because she was drinking a lot. like, almost two bottles of espumante every night." the words slide out of his tongue and his heart is beating faster and he's scared to keep going. but he does. "i really didn't want to put you through that. because of course i got depressed too. it was just a really toxic dynamic back there. and i really really didn't want to bring you into it."

salem grabbed the flowers and started cutting the stems as leon spoke preparing them to go in the vase. they were beautiful and normally something so simple would make her feel like the happiest girl in the world but the longer she looked at them the sadder she got about things all over again. his comment threw her off for a moment and the most she could manage to reply with was a chuckle at first. how was she supposed to respond to that anyways? "well, i've been here and i haven't left so i'm not sure why it's so weird for you without me. shouldn't be the other way around?" the words blurted out of her mouth without a second thought. it was probably a bit harsh but it was the truth. before she could respond to his question he ripped the band-aid off for the both of them and decided to address the elephant in the room. she nodded as she placed the flowers in the vase and looked over at him. "you're right, we should talk about things. i'd love to know what you're doing here and why you've suddenly just barrelled back into my life like things didn't end the way they did. it better be one hell of an explanation too." things were different this time. her guard was way up with him.

leon chuckles at her teasing, he'd missed her so fucking much. "they're no pastel de choclo, but i figured you'd like them better," he attempts to lighten the tension that's building between them. it could easily be cut with a knife. after salem starts small talk, leon twists his lips out of nervous habit. "it's been fine. not the same without you." it's actually been weird as fuck. he doesn't feel as connected to the city as he used to. adjusting back to the valpo lifestyle has been complicated, especially because he's really tight on money right now, and everything's even more expensive than before he left. oh right, and the weird feeling of not being cooped up in a house with his grandma and his teetering-on-alcoholic mother. "you?" leon huffs out the word, but clearly he'd rather talk about the elephant in the room right now. "actually, listen, i'm really so fucking sorry, sal. can we sit down and talk about it? please." he doesn't expect the conversation to bring everything back to normal. she has all the right to not trust him right now. he knows he fucked up. he didn't mean to tho. leon loves the woman standing in front of him with all his messed up heart. it beats faster as the words roll out of his mouth. he wonders if she can hear it.

salem did well at adjusting to life in valpo post break up with leon. she had a solid group of friends and routine at home, with stevie, that she'd grown to look forward to and truthfully it was the stability she desperately craved. running into leon in la was completely unexpected and when she learned he was returning as well being back home in valpo had her stomach in knots. they both had a lot to say that couldn't be done over text and salem felt like she was at least owed a conversation about why things ended the way they had between them. after biting the bullet and finally sending leon a text about bringing her food (she had to find a way to break the ice right?) she waited anxiously for his arrival. she heard a knock at her door and couldn't help but smile upon answering when she saw leon standing there not only with the food but her favorite flowers as well. "that was fast." she teased as he proceeded to step inside. salem shut the door behind him and walked into the kitchen. she instantly felt deja vu from it all. "the flowers are nice, thank you by the way." she said nervously while retrieving a vase for the sunflowers. "so, how have things been for you since coming back?"

on his way to valpo, leon had a night layover in la. he went to a bar and bumped into salem there. of course she looked gorgeous, like usual. and after they fucked, the man had to leave in a rush to make his flight. running out of money back home was a huge deal he was dealing with, he couldn't afford another flight. he felt shitty, because he really wanted to talk to salem -explain why he had bolted the way he did- but the craving and addiction was pretty much there still. it never leaves him. it follows him around like a lustful shadow that activates the moment he sees her beautiful brown eyes. that tantalizing smile. and now they're both here. and he's on his way to her place, a place he called a shithole and doesn't even know why. it's not even that bad, maybe he thought he was being funny, but it definitely went all the way left. the uber stops in front of salem's place and leon takes a deep breath. okay. it'll be okay. so much needs to be said. he's nervous with the bag of veggie quesadillas in one hand, and a sunflower bouquet in the other. after thanking the driver, the blond gets out of the car and rings his ex's doorbell. he fidgets in place. after a few moments, the door swings open and he does his best to put on a smile that reads kindness and sorry at the same time. "aye."

@cybermuses

salem smiled as leon wrapped his arm around her and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. it was refreshing the way they fell back into the groove of their relationship. "well...it's cute but not enough for me to want to buy it." she shrugged before placing the ring back down on the table. salem took his hand in hers as the two continued to walk by the various souvenir tables before stopping at a shaded off spot beneath a tree. "well usually i'd want to be backstage but i think i want to watch from the crowd this time." leaning back against the tree she draped her arms around his neck looking up at him. "that way i'll be able to get better pictures of you and i can vlog some of the performance for you if you want." salem had been taking pictures of leon on stage since the two became friends and it ended up becoming a reoccurring thing when they officially started dating. "who knows, maybe i'll run into jlo in the crowd and we can finally become best friends."

leon chuckles and turns the camera off. "okay so first, i'm not shoving the camera in your face, so relax," he teases as he puts the device back in his backpack. "vivi loves you. you know that." the man puts an arm around her waist as he too focuses on the souvenirs. magnets and notebooks and rings and macrame bracelets. "i like this one," he smiles pointing to a silver-colored ring that has a tribal pattern. "they're too small for my fingers tho. maybe you should get it." he squeezes her tighter against his body. being back together with salem feels natural. he'd missed her too much. having his girl back on his side is what makes him happy. "do you wanna see my show from the crowd or backstage? i can get you a pass."

"god you're so embarrassing..." salem said with a chuckle while browsing over the souvenirs for sale. looking up for a moment she playfully flipped off the camera, it seemed like leon was filming content non-stop lately. the two had been practically inseparable since getting back together. "you do realize by constantly shoving that camera in my face you're giving me ptsd from my reality tv days right? please don't tell me we're turning into my parents, my therapist already has so much on her plate with me." she teased while turning away from the camera and fixating her gaze back on the souvenirs.

"and here's my lovely lady," leon grins behind the camera, as he points it to salem. he thought bringing a camera for the day would be a good idea to create content for his social media. and since salem arrived, he's been pestering her with the videocamera he borrowed from a friend. "say hi, babe."

@cybermuses

salem playfully rolled her eyes at his comment. "it's not a matter of being weak they're just disgusting." she says while pushing the raisins off to the side of the plate. as the two sat there quietly while the jazz music played in the background salem thought about how the night was going perfectly. having dinner with leon and their playful banter was reminiscent of how things were back when they were just friends and sometimes she missed the simplicity of that. looking over at him as he spoke she gave him a small smile, knowing the inevitable talk about things was about to happen made her anxious but she knew it needed to happen. "what am i afraid of? well..." salem thought for a moment. knowing exactly what she was afraid of when it came to her relationship always felt silly when she said it out loud. it wasn't like leon had never really given her any reason to be fearful of committing to him fully. "truthfully? you're the only stable thing in my life. with how i grew up going back and forth between places and being on tv i've never really had anything that i've felt completely secure in." pausing for a moment, she ran her fingers through her hair. "it just scares me to have finally have the stability that i've always needed but in a person. that's really the only way i can put it." it felt nice to be open with leon about why the relationship was so scary to her, her only regret being not doing it sooner. "also, me leaving had nothing to do with you. this last time everything got so hectic with trying to plan this next album that i felt like i wasn't being the girlfriend you needed. it was just all so much and i had a hard time juggling everything. i got in my head and figured you'd be better off with someone a little more put together than i am. with you being here and me being back home my insecurities were raging. i'm sorry for doing that in general, especially over the phone like that."

"well, i guess i have the right connections," he teases. the look on her face makes his heart warm. that look used to be reserved for him alone. when they went on vacation together to cape may. the beautiful sights that made her eyes light up. and he treasures those moments still. when she says she misses him, he can't help but fall for her even more. what is wrong with him? "raisins aren't for the weak," he jokes as he takes a bite of his own dish, quickly taking the raisins off her plate and adding them to his own. he stays quiet for a moment, the jazz music playing in the distance. "you know..." he says as he puts the fork down. he stares at the waves crashing in front of them. "i really wanted this time to be special. for both of us. and i know you don't like to talk about this. because it's hard. i know that." leon sighs and takes a sip of the beer he'd brought along with the food. "but... we have to talk about it," he finally says, now looking at her, looking for her eyes. looking for the love in her eyes. the worst part of it all, is that he sees it there. he knows she loves him. why is she so scared then? "what are you so afraid of?" there's no anger or anguish in his voice. not this time. he's genuinely curious. and he wants to know what goes through her head. maybe he'll understand her better. maybe things aren't doomed for them.

as salem stepped out on the balcony she was taken back by the view. the breeze from the ocean and smell of the beach had her in awe. "i can't believe you get to have this view everyday." she said in disbelief as she sat down and placed her plate on the table. the sound of leon humming to the jazz music was comforting in a way, she'd missed so many little things about him. "i've missed you so much, truly." salem blushed a bit while looking over at him. "i'm just really happy we could do this. i really miss being able to do everything with you." there was a lot she wanted to say but her nerves were starting to get the best of her again. she decided to turn her attention back to the dish and proceeded to eat a forkful. "okay, this is actually pretty good.." nodding a bit before continuing to eat, "but i think i could do without the raisins. the texture is just weird and i've never really liked them anyways."

leon chuckles at her words. he's always liked that she can drink as much as him, and party as much as him. "i'm not gonna quiz you right now, but beware because i might later," he teases back. after she's plated the food, the blond nods and they make their way to the balcony. "if you hate it, there's more for me, so it's a win-win situation," he chuckles and sits down on one of the chairs. the night is beautiful and the ocean waves crash no far from them. there's a jazz song playing in the beach restaurant across the street and leon immediately recognizes it as a duke ellington one. he softly hums as he sets his plate on the table. "i've missed you, sal," the man finally says, looking over at her. she's the person he wants to see every day. the one person he trusts with all his joy and all his darkness. it makes him sad that she could just decide one day to end things and leave him a mess. he hopes this time she won't leave. not again. not a third time.

"listen i know i tend to drink a lot but i do remember the important things." she said sarcastically. as she grabbed a fork from leon she shook her head, "no, i was waiting to be with you when i tried it. that way if it was gross i could give you hell for hyping it up so much." she teased while plating the food for the both of them. it felt like how things used to be back home with leon. she loved going out and traveling but most of her favorite nights were spent at their apartment with him and stevie. the thought of how things used to be made her a bit sad at how badly she'd messed it all up. "we should eat on the balcony. it's not too hot out tonight and i've been dying to see the view in person."

the nickname doesn't go unnoticed and a wave of nostalgia hits him. it's been a while since he's heard the word blondie. flashing images of their life back in new york speed through his head. the late-night conversations, drinks in bars, fucking in the car, her beautiful face when she's just woken up. "i did, didn't i?" he chuckles softly as he opens the container and the smell of pastel de choclo invades the kitchen. "i'm guessing you haven't tried it then." the man grabs two plates and silverware from the cupboard on the wall in front of them. maybe he's stalling. he doesn't want to have the inevitable conversation. it's looming upon them, like an elephant in the room. but for fuck's sake, leon doesn't want to burst this bubble.

"shut up." she said playfully at his compliment. salem was surprised at how leon still managed to get her flustered with his words and overall presence. they'd known each other for what felt like forever and her feelings for him completely consumed her in certain moments, this one being one of them. she chuckled at his question "did i make this? no, you're giving me way too much credit now blondie." salem didn't think to make the dish from scratch which probably would have been a nicer gesture in retrospect. "i found this place when i was out a couple days ago having lunch with a friend and saw they had it on the menu. so i figured i'd surprise you with some, i remember you used to talk about it all the time back home in new york." she smiled up at him for a moment, quickly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

leon listens to salem, without interrupting her. the musical genius comment causes him to blush a little, and he watches her set his favorite chilean dish on the kitchen counter. did she make it? when she mentions she's sober, the man nods. her laugh, even her nervous laughter, he thinks it's cute. "you're such an idiot," leon ends up chuckling himself before walking up to her. each step that he takes, he takes it blindly. because he would let her break his heart a million times if it just meant that they'd always go back to each other. he's so in love. he's so hurt. "you actually clean up really nice," the blond teases her, standing so close to her that his heart rate goes up. he can't stop looking at her. his hand on the counter, next to hers, wanting to touch her but unable to do so. the love of his life. eventually, leon looks down at the food, "did you make this?" he asks softly.

"i figured maybe we could just hang out like we used to. i also have this song i've been working on and i need your musical genius." salem said after stepping inside. the tension between the two of them lingered in the air as she made her way to the kitchen to set the food down on the counter. "i also came over because i feel like i need to apologize. i know things have been weird between us lately and i just feel really bad about it. plus im actually sober this time so maybe it won't be a complete disaster." she nervously laughed at the last part, the last time she came over things went horribly and resulted in her leaving without the two of them really getting a chance to talk about the breakup or even about how leon felt about everything. salem wasn't sure if that would even be discussed tonight but above everything else she really just missed her best friend.

sundays can be a drag. especially since you still haven't recovered from partying -and more- from two days ago. the headache was gone but he was just, so tired. maybe it wasn't that he went that hard with the booze or the drugs, he doesn't remember doing too much. but seeing salem there, it made him miss her so bad that his body was literally aching for her. he sits on the living room sofa, scrolling through the ubereats app on his phone when he hears three knocks on the door. frowning, leon wonders who it is. he opens the door and is surprised to see her. she looks so good in his bowie t-shirt, and whatever she's got in her hands, it smells great. when salem opens her mouth, his heart melts. a small smile creeps onto his face and he pinches the bridge of his nose before letting her in. "i haven't," the blond closes the door behind him. "thank you."

status: closed location: @hecticlife place

as salem approached leon's apartment food in hand she wondered why she was feeling butterflies in her stomach. things had been rocky between the two of them for a while now and it seemed like every encounter they had since salem's arrival in valpo resulted in some sort of conflict. the least she could do was try to smooth things over and apologize. she knocked on the door three times before he answered and realized it probably would have been smart ahead of time to let him know she was coming over but out of habit she figured it would be fine. a smile came across her face as he opened the door. "i bought a peace offering, pastel de choclo to be exact." salem knew it was his favorite dish. "please tell me you haven't eaten already?"

@hecticlife

Cousin Cousine, 1975

she sucked on his thumb for a brief moment, teasing him. salem knew leon never cared about where they were and sleeping with her at this party almost felt like he had to point to prove. the point being he could still have her anytime he wanted and she hated to admit that he was right. the thought of being with another person hadn't crossed her mind since the two first started dating. as he tilted her head up she ran her fingers through his blonde locs while staring up at him. "you'd love for someone to walk in on us anyways." she teased as he lifted her up by her ass and slammed her against the wall. it was rougher than usual but she knew he had some pent up aggression towards her, that much to be expected. salem put her head back and closed her eyes as he kissed along her neck, gently tugging at his hair. the feeling of every kiss planted on her neck radiated throughout her body and between the alcohol and all the unsaid feelings she craved leon desperately. "please tell me you have something on you?

leon's smirk grows wider at salem's question. "when has that ever stopped us before?" he bites his lower lip as she sucks on his thumb. he presses it down her tongue as he grows bigger in his pants. this girl will be the death of him. and he doesn't mind. he doesn't mind she breaks his heart over and over again as long as he can have her like this, looking like a godsent angel who will make his sinful fantasies come true. of course, this is now. but whenever later happens, maybe he'll realize this was the worst idea ever. so, he might as well savor every single second. leon pulls his thumb away from her mouth and drags it down her chin, grabbing it and tilting her head up so she can look at the lust that's taken over his eyes. "door's locked. don't worry about it." the man picks her up and holds her by the ass, slamming her against another wall and kissing her neck. they're used to doing it rough. but this is another level. especially because there's so much turmoil beneath the surface.

in a split second the two went from arguing to kissing one another. she gave in immediately, her fingers running through his hair as she kissed him back hungrily. salem wanted him badly and was almost immediately turned on by the feelings of his hand spanking her. it had been what seemed like forever since the two of them were able to touch one another and salem hadn't been with anyone else since splitting from leon about a month ago. she missed him terribly even if she wasn't willing to admit it out loud. as he pulled back she looked up at him in a daze and nodded with a smirk, his hair was messy and her lipstick was all over his mouth. "of course i'm going to let you." hooking up probably wasn't the best idea but she was so drawn to him (since the day they'd met) and it had been so hard to stay away every time. "god you're so insatiable." as she felt leon press up against her she bit down on her bottom lip, her mouth immediately opening at his demand. "are we really going to do this here? what if someone catches us?"

leon rests both hands on the wall, one on either side of her head. he listens to her words, but he doesn't want to hear them. so, the second she stops talking, the man grabs her face and kisses her. lips pressed against her own, biting and sucking and kissing her as if the world's gonna end. "you really like making me mad, don't you girl?" he smirks as one of his hands travel down to her ass and he spanks it. "what is it gonna be, huh?" he pulls away for a moment. her lipstick's all smeared and he knows he has the same color around his mouth. god he missed kissing the shit out of her. "are you gonna stop this nonsense and let me fuck you?" before salem can answer, the man presses his body against hers, letting her knows he's already turned on. he doesn't really know how it works, but seeing salem flirting with someone else really messed with him. because there's no way in hell someone else can make her feel as good as he does. "open," he demands as he pushes his thumb between her lips. "be a good girl and i might let you cum."

the party is crowded and salem is hoping leon doesn't make a huge scene in front of everyone else. she didn't blame him for being upset about the other guy but she wasn't doing it on purpose to piss him off. as she finished her drink she was caught off guard by leon suddenly taking her by the arm and into one of the empty bedrooms. "that wasn't aggressive at all..." she said sarcastically after leon pushed her up against the wall. salem was visibly irritable at how confrontational he was being and looked down at the ground as he spoke to her. "i'm not being mean! i'm just confused as to why you're being so aggressive right now? i wasn't flirting with that guy to piss you off. i didn't even know you were going to be here." she replied in frustration while looking up at him, the two of them being inches apart from one another. drama aside though she had to admit he was looking really good tonight.

her sarcastic words go into him like a dagger. what is she mad about now? "aight," he scoffs. looking around, leon recognizes a few faces here and there. the terrace is basically packed and there's no way he can talk to her right now. not now when his heart is beating faster and his mind takes him to inappropriate scenarios in front of other people. "c'mere," he simply demands as he grabs her by the elbow and leads her inside. the fact that she seems to be doing okay without him is killing him. and she'll regret it. once they reach the stairs, leon basically drags her up to one of the empty bedrooms and locks the door behind him. it takes him a split second to push her against the wall. "stop being so fucking mean to me and look at me. look at me," he insists.

salem didn't know the person throwing the party too well but the invite was extended after meeting a couple nights ago at one of the local bars. she didn't think about this person possibly knowing her ex or him being in attendance either, that was the first mistake she made that night. she'd been drinking and mingling throughout the night with strangers trying her best to take advantage of being in a new place. most of her time in valpo so far consisted of meeting new people and doing things she normally didn't get a chance to do. she started chatting with this guy about music and the two were seemingly hitting it off until a familiar voice interrupted the conversation. unsurprisingly it was leon and he was pissed. "fantastic." she said sarcastically while the other walked off leaving the two alone. "well, i was flirting with that guy and trying to have a conversation. please don't make me hire security in a completely different country."

house parties. house parties are great when you're trying to forget about the girl who keeps breaking your heart. and so leon took a shower, put on his black pants and tight tank top and left the apartment to go party at one of those houses up in the hills. it was all fine, he was a little drunk and a little high and he was honestly having a good time. but then, he saw her. he tried to avoid her, and it worked for a while. and now that he goes outside for a cigarette, leon sees salem all over some other guy he doesn't know. just flirting and laughing. this makes him so mad. "excuse me," he says as he approaches the pair. his stare is so apparently intimidating that the other guy leaves. "what are you doing?" he asks salem.

@cybermuses

"okay, we can talk about it tomorrow." she said quietly while quickly wiping the tears from her eyes. salem watched leon as he walked out of the living room before shutting the light off. her mind was racing for what felt like hours. she couldn't sleep and for some weird reason, maybe out of habit, found herself knocking on the bedroom door. "can i come lay with you?" she asked after peaking her head in the door. leon was half asleep and told her to come in. salem crawled into bed with him and cuddled up against him. it was comforting to be this close to him again and all she wanted was for things to go back to normal. "im so sorry for how much i've hurt you." she wasn't sure if he was awake or not but she needed to get it off her chest. "i don't want things to end and how much i love you actually terrifies me. but i don't know how to be the person you deserve..." she turned to him and realized he was sound asleep. salem ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead gently. she turned back around to cuddle against him before eventually falling asleep.

when morning rolled around salem was woken up by the sunlight peaking through the curtains. she looked around the room and then over to leon who was still sleeping. her hangover was raging and the thought of the inevitable talk they were supposed to have made her stomach turn. she got up out of bed and quietly tiptoed out of the bedroom slowly closing the door. leaving this way probably wasn't the best decision but she felt like there wasn't much left for her to say anyways and she truly was tired of hurting him and that's what the end result would be anyways. so she grabbed her shoes and her bag and left the apartment.

this is too much. he hates seeing her so heartbroken. absolutely destroys him. but at the end of the day, he really can't be just a punching bag. he has a lot to think about. "i can't do this right now," he looks down at her with tears bubbling in his eyes. the fact that she can't promise not to break his heart again, it kills him. and he wants to trust her. they both bring so much baggage into this relationship. but he sees himself in her, and it really feels like she's the only one who understands him. the only one for him. she's his soulmate. "i'm going to bed," the man says. he presses one hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her in somehow. "the bathroom's that way and the kitchen's stocked. we'll continue this tomorrow, okay?" it fucking hurts to pull his hand away, and it hurts even more to leave her in the living room as he goes to the master bedroom. he just wants to hold her, fuck her, make her feel good and trust her to not fuck him up again. is that really possible? leon takes off his shirt and climbs into bed with just sweatpants. he scrolls through his phone for a few minutes, but he can't concentrate on anything. so, he switches off the light of the lamp on his nightstand and tries to sleep.

salem let out a quiet chuckle wishing that were true but honestly she was very fucked up. she'd been dealing with her mental illness since she was was fifteen, among other things she never really talked about. life for her would always be a constant battle mentally and emotionally. she looked up at leon with tears in her eyes as he spoke. they both loved each other, that much was apparent but she hated knowing just how much she hurt him. "and i love you leon but it's just-" she let out a sigh before continuing. "sometimes i feel like you'd be better off with someone who's more stable. i try really hard to make sure whatever problems i have don't spill over into our relationship and i hate that i make you feel so pathetic when things get like this." she knew what she was about to say next would probably definitely be harsh words to hear but it was the truth. "i can't promise that we'll get back together right now and everything going forward will be easy. that i won't get in my head again and do this to you a third time..." she fidgeted with one of her rings trying to distract herself from the small wave of anxiety that was coming over her. this conversation was too uncomfortable and she wasn't the best with confrontation. she hated knowing that anyone had ill feelings towards her or that she was able to hurt anyone to that capacity, especially leon who'd been the absolute best to her even before they were dating.

leon sighs. there's so much sadness in his eyes. "you're not fucked up, sal." he empathizes with her because he knows the feeling so well. that feeling of being a mess and not knowing why or how to explain it. he feels bad. he doesn't want to be angry at her, but she really hurt him. is he supposed to act like everything's fine? "i... i fucking love you," he looks into her eyes. "i fucking love you so much that every time you leave i-" he chokes up a bit. "i feel pathetic, you know? i feel pathetic and i do fucked up shit, too. i don't know how to deal with it." leon feels so ashamed that he fucked kala right after salem dumped him over the phone. who is he to judge her? "i love you. but you can't keep doing this to me. you need to talk to me, too. before everything blows up." he wants to forgive her so badly. reset and repeat. erase and rewind.

salem could understand why he was so angry but she wasn't used to him being this way towards her. it felt weird and uncomfortable and as she sipped on her water she thought about how coming over was a huge mistake. she was probably better off just hanging out at the bar. "it's not that i don't want to be with you it's just-" she paused for a moment and thought about all the things her and her therapist had talked about after ending things with leon. it was apparent she struggled with stability and romantic relationships weren't her strong suit, unfortunately leon was on the receiving end of her issues. "i'm just really fucked up. i don't know how to say it right now. my head is a mess but i don't enjoy hurting you and you've never been the problem." salem shrugged. she hated that she was drunk right now and that things weren't coming out the way she wanted them to. as he got up and grabbed a blanket from the closet she rolled her eyes. sleeping was the last thing on her mind right now. "i don't want to sleep. i just want to talk to you. stop being so mad at me and just fucking talk to me." she replied in frustration while grabbing the blanket from him and placing it next to her on the couch.

"and you know?" leon looks at her as he sits on the armrest of the couch, alluding to if she at least knows what she says to herself. what's going on. he scoffs with a sad smile as he turns his attention to his hands. black chipped nails that he'd painted for the gig that happened several days before. it's crazy. to really think about how he hoped she'd show up. "a week, huh?" leon bites at his lower lip, "what is it? do you not want to be with me? please tell me straight because i can't keep up with the headfucking, salem. i can't." the blond is head over heels in love with the woman that sits a few inches away from him. but she's been hurting him too much and if it's just because she can't break up with him for whatever reason, at least now he's giving her an opportunity to get out. before she absolutely destroys him. he sighs and runs a hand through his curls. "you should sleep." leon stands up from the couch and goes to the closet on the wall. he takes out a blanket and hands it to salem. it won't be much use with the heat of the summer upon them, but he can be nice and care for her still.

salem nervously stepped inside and took a look around. something about the apartment felt like home. she remembered leon showing her pictures when they originally planned to be here together. the spot in the living area where stevie would sleep and the beautiful balcony they could sit on and work on music together. they should be here together but that was before she made a mess of things. "i know..." she responded quietly. he had a point and between the last time and now it was like deja vu. salem wasn't sure why she put put him through this a second time. she made her way over to the couch to sit after taking her shoes off. leon reemerged from the kitchen with a glass of water, he was quiet and she could tell he was visibly upset by her just showing up out of the blue and completely intoxicated. "thanks." she said with a small smile before taking a sip. "listen, i know i should have maybe called or texted you first but i didn't know if you'd pick up and i just really needed to see you." she looked down at the glass of water and zoned out for a bit unsure what to say next. there was no real explanation other than salem and her usual bullshit, that much she was aware of. "honestly i've been here for like a week now and i've been trying to figure out what to say to you but nothing really seemed right."

he's still shocked to see the woman he loves in front of him. she's trashed, that much is obvious, and he feels bad. "come in," he says with a sigh and a pinch of his nose. why does she keep doing this? first, after she ghosted him for a week, she showed up at one of his gigs, drunk. and now this? "shit's getting old, sal," the blond mutters under his breath, even though he doesn't really mean it. something about the uncertainty of their relationship, it makes him feel things more deeply. he hates her and then loves her and then hates her again. leon walks into the kitchen and pours a glass of water for her. what is he gonna do? he can't yell at her now, can he? he doesn't even want to do that. he doesn't know what he wants to do. everything's a mess and he wishes he could flash forward to the part of the relationship when everything's okay again. when he can hold her without the fear of her abandoning him again. the man doesn't notice the water overflowing from the glass and pouring onto his hand and the counter. "fuck," he whispers.

it had been a full week since salem arrived into town. she'd been keeping busy exploring around the various shops and bars, the possibility of running into her ex leon looming over her head in the process. tonight she found herself at los fantasmas, a bar she'd become fond of in her short time here. after spending a good chunk of the night drinking with a few locals she finally mustered up the courage to see leon. she thought about calling him or texting him that she was in town but wasn't hopeful she'd get a response. in his defense though the breakup was pretty bad, she probably wouldn't wanna talk to herself either. in the cab ride over her nerves started to get the best of her and the possibility of leon rejecting her at the door crept into her mind. after stumbling out of the cab and arriving at his door she knocked twice and looked around while she waited for a response. what if he wasn't home? was this a mistake? she thought to herself and not a moment sooner she was surprised as leon opened the door. "um well..." she said stuttering a bit at his response. "i was just casually in the country and thought i'd pop by and say hey." slurring her words a bit as she nervously looked down at the ground.

ten pm. leon sits on the balcony of his godmother's apartment. he faces the ocean and looks at some notes he's written on his phone. mostly lyric ideas. he puts out a half-smoked cigarette when he hears the doorbell. who could it be? he's not expecting anyone. unless it's drew, he probably got accidentally too high again. when leon opens the door, he's surprised to see salem. the woman who broke his heart stands in front of him and it takes him a moment to react. "what are you doing here?" he finally asks.

@cybermuses