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"yeah, you are an asshole actually." salem replied, only half serious. she looked down at their hands as he grabbed hers and listened to him speak. his reasoning made sense, sort of...but she knew how bad his mental health could get and had seem him through bad times in the past. she couldn't really understand why this time would be any different. "well you hurt me anyways so..." her voice trailing off for a moment before continuing. "we've been through so much. i know you believe that you were sparing me a lot of pain by ending things but you did the opposite. i felt like shit about myself when you left me and i was in a really horrible place. i guess i just figured after everything we'd been through we truly could get through anything. i would have seen it through with everything you dealt with but you really didn't give us a chance to at least try." she started getting emotional as she spoke, there was so much hurt coming to the surface from the past couple of months. could she really just forget about all of that and move forward with him? salem was a little surprised when he said he hadn't slept with anyone else while they were apart --unfortunately she couldn't say the same but that was another conversation for another time. "i believe you when you say that." her eyes met his when he cupped her face in his hands. leon looked so defeated from it all it broke her heart. if anything she was more upset that he didn't let her be there for him. "that wasn't your decision to make for me though. i get you didn't want me to feel trapped or whatever but it wasn't fair of you to decide that for me. i would have stuck around, we could have worked it out somehow." letting out a sigh she pulled back as his thumbs grazed her cheek. she missed him terribly and felt way too vulnerable in this moment to his affection. "I love you and i'm sorry you were having such a hard time, i really am but...." her nerves starting to get the best of her. "i'm just tired of breaking up and i really need to think about things. we're gonna go through plenty other hard times and we'll be apart for long periods of time with the both of us being musicians and i wanna feel secure with you but i don't right now."

leon nods his head, everything she's saying is totally valid right now. "yeah, i'm an asshole," he sighs with the littlest nervous grin. the only thing keeping him together right now is knowing that he really did have the best intentions and it was all a miscommunication problem. "listen, sal," the blond runs a hand through his hair before getting a hold of her own hands. they're cold and he hates it, it hurts. "what i meant was that i didn't trust myself, or my mental health, not to hurt you, you know? exhibit a," he shrugs his shoulders, hoping she would understand. "imagine how shitty i would've made you feel if we kept in touch while i was dealing with all of that. i didn't trust myself enough to be an adult and not lash out at you if i was feeling particularly stressed or depressed one day. i never, ever," he emphasizes the word and holds her hand tightly so she can feel how sorry he is, "meant to hurt you. i never meant to make you feel like i wanted to, i don't know, fuck someone else because my dick thinks on its own. i didn't, alright? i didn't fuck anyone else. i need you to believe me, sal. please." leon makes a bold decision and runs his hand up to cup her face. "and i honestly didn't think she would've died so soon. i've heard stories about people with alzheimer that live on for more than five, ten years. and i didn't want you to feel trapped in that. you don't deserve that." his voice shakes, he needs her to know where he's coming from and how sorry he is. "i really do apologize. it's no excuse but i guess the fear of you leaving me because i turned into such a stranger, a cruel one, would be too much. maybe it's one of those rip-the-bandaid things before you'd do it for me. i guess i would've rather hurt you first so you didn't have to put with my shit. i know it's not... it's not fair and it maybe doesn't make much sense to you right now, but sal," he looks into her eyes and grazes the pad of his thumbs along her cheekbones. so fucking pretty. "i swear you would've hated my guts. i wasn't my best self. i'm only my best self, or i try to be, when i'm with you." leon falls silent for a few seconds. "i'm sorry i didn't trust myself enough to do it alone. i love you. i understand if you don't wanna see me again. i just needed you to know everything"