L: The first rule of magic duels is don't get into magic duels. The second is to remain calm; if ya lose your s***e, ya soon won't have s***e left to lose.
The first to move is Tanglepork. Dodging an opportune swipe of Ioana's claws as she runs away, she reloads her gun. She quickly turns and fires, but her nerves betray her and the bullet barely misses the lycan's head.
Ioana's fierce gaze remains locked on her prey as she commands the air to twist around her. It becomes like a miniature tornado as she chases after the gnome.
Gudrun locks eyes with the minotaur. "Obey me," she says, her eyes alight.
L: The third rule of magic duels is to know what your opponent can do and prepare to counter it.
"Not this time, b***h," says Honeycrisp, shaking off the force trying to insert itself into his mind.
Gudrun pulls out a silver wand. "Fine."
Honeycrisp focuses and magic courses through his body, accelerating him. Sparks dance upon his horns.
L: Corollary: Know what your opponent knows ya can do and don't do it.
Ling raises a wall of ribs, splitting a third of the room away, isolating the lycan and the deputy from the rest of them. The massive ribs connecting ceiling to floor have gaps too small for most of the room's occupants. "This way, Porky," commands Ling, as she positions herself by the passage to the portal room.
J: How many wall of bones spells do there really need to be?
"Ling," whines Zingiber, "You're supposed to be fighting me." She releases a blast of glittery fire into Ling's face, but the gex licks her eyes clean.
Tanglepork takes a liking to the idea of people not seeing things and turns invisible, then attempts to sneak around Ioana to reach the bone wall. Her steps are calculated to match the rhythm of the other fighters.
Ioana sniffs about and detonates a burst of fire where she believes the gnome to be hiding, but by some gnomish trickery (possibly breakdancing), the deputy remains unharmed.
Gudrun fires a purple beam from her wand, but Honeycrisp defects it with his horn. "S***e," she says, calmly. Foreseeing the sheriff's next move, she conjures a shield in front of her.
Honeycrisp charges forward, his horns smash open the shield. While his target is unharmed by that, the hook to her face makes quite the impact, knocking free a tooth, which explodes. The shrapnel then defies physics and embed themselves in the dwarf's neck.
Ling conjures a facsimile of a dryad -a type of tree nymph- that wraps her arms around the elf. "Hey there, cutie," says the dryad with a wink.
L: Preventing your opponent from casting at all is the strongest option. A lot of magic requires somantics.
Zingiber forces an arm free. "Getting off on this, Dr. Ling?" She gestures wildly. "Then check this!"
Unfortunately for Zingiber, her spell fails for multiple reasons: Tanglepork is out of the area, Honeycrisp (bull) and the dryad (plant) don't have the targeted anatomy, and Ling, because of her experiences in Wizard School, always begins the day with protective spells like Genital Mirror Shield. Thus, the caster herself is the only affected person.
Zingiber clutches her guts as her Ovarian Explosion nearly rips apart her insides. "Mistake."
J: Who even crafted that? Why make that?
"Serves ya right," shouts Ling.
Invisible, Tanglepork sneaks up to the ribs while quietly reloading her weapon and squeezes through. Aiming back through, she takes another shot breaking her disguise. The bullet, buffeted by the wind, glances the lycan's shoulder. "Oh, come on," the deputy grumbles.
If Ioana were the beast she looked like, she'd just run up to the ribs and try to smash through, but the witch is smarter than that. The bones form a fence she can cast through and, with the wind making her a difficult target, she's free to do so. She condenses a suffocating cloud around the gnome. "You can't escape," she growls.
"Help me," demands Gudrun to Zingiber, taking a defensive step away. She locks eyes with Ling and a mental bomb causes her to recoil in pain.
J: How many counters do you have? L: One more than I think I'll need.
"Time to put you b***hes in your place," says Honeycrisp.
"Can you shut your f**king mouth for five b****y minutes!" yells Ling.
"Great idea!" Honeycrisp forms a zone of silence around himself and lunges headfirst into Gudrun, impaling her on his horns and lifting her off the ground.
L: A lot of magic requires incantations too.
Now unable to hear, the false dryad looks to Ling for instruction. Ling gestures for her to keep Zingiber in that area close to the sheriff. Ling then condenses the cloud around the deputy into a shield of water.
Zingiber punches and knees the dryad, bashing onto bark-coated flesh. Breaking free, she scrambles out of the inaudible zone.
Tanglepork peers around the shield (reloading) and focuses on that first bullet, the one that's still in the back of the lycan's skull. The tiny piece of lead becomes hotter, burning its way into the witch's brain.
Screeching with pain, Ioana draws in through the floor as much spiritual energy as she can. The sheriff cannot avoid having part of his soul drained and the dryad wilts, while Tanglepork's fidgeting about causes her to be less effected and Ling avoids it entirely by hopping onto the wall, taking note that Zingiber is casually unaffected.
Gudrun thrashes about, desperately trying to free herself from the horns. Her punches and kicks are not enough, however.
A bright light flashes the room as Honeycrisp channels electricity through his horns and Gudrun's body. He then charges at Zingiber slapping her across the room with her dwarven cohort's charred, but still living body.
L: Anything is a weapon. Everything is a weapon.
Ling takes a moment to think. Two of these witches should be dead now; why aren't they? It must be that contract. She commands the weakened dryad to grab the elf again (which she does). Ling yells, "Porky, we need to leave."
Zingiber once again forces her arms free to aim another spell and then shoves the dryad away. The sheriff collapses as his muscles detach themselves from his bones. Ling recognizes her own spell, Tendon Tearer.
As Tanglepork continues to burn a hole through Ioana's head, she yells to Ling, "How?" She takes another shot from the other side of the shield, sinking a bullet into the lycan's chest. "Eat that!"
Ioana retreats to the entrance door, as if daring her enemies to try to get through her. She stomps on the ground, causing the already misshapen cubes of the room to twist around becoming a series of crude pyramids. Now even just standing here is an issue.
Gudrun pries her body off of the sheriff's horns and pathetically crawls away. Her bleeding, burnt body struggling to cross the threshold of sound due to the floor's sudden shift.
Honeycrisp sends a message via vibration directly through the floor and wall to Ling's ear bones. While she doesn't know the exact meaning, it isn't hard to guess the intent.
J: Why would you keep saving him? L: Because it's the right thing to do. A: Meat shield.
Ling restores the sheriff's ability to move -his muscles reattaching themselves- and orders the dryad to muzzle the elf; the dryad's solution is to shove her hand into Zingiber's mouth.
Zingiber bites the hand and pulls a brown jewel out of her robe. She stabs it into the dryad's ear and detonates it. The dryad's mostly headless body dissipates.
Tanglepork pulls a glass bottle out of her pocket and lodges it into the barrel of her gun. The special bottle is launched by the force of her shot and explodes on impact with the lycan, whose whirling winds erupt into flame. "Give up already!"
Ioana quickly draws the moisture in the air (and the water shield) onto her person, suffocating the fire. Realizing her wind had burned away, she conjures a shield to deflect further gunfire.
Gudrun crawls further from the sheriff and attempts to scramble his brain, but cannot tell what effect she actually has.
Honeycrisp leaps with intent to crush the elf, but his vision is blurred and wobbly like a drunkard, and he smashes his fist centimeters away from her head. She weaves around the following blows.
Ling continues to rack her brain. She kicks off a burst of mental energy, accelerating her thoughts. Zingiber mentioned several construction-related spells and this lair is blatantly artificial, that entity needs mortals to interact with this world, and the witches seemed to have thought that sacrificing children into the portal was the point. ...Maybe they built the portal? So, having them harm it would break the contract?
"Porky, this way," she yells as she forms an arrow of light pointing to herself in front of Honeycrisp, "Pull back!" Ling hopes that the witches will follow after them.
While Honeycrisp is distracted, Zingiber sees an opportunity. The sheriff's horns are covered in her friend's blood. Reaching up and grabbing them, the elf drives the blood like knives into his skin and rips his face off.
A: I like this woman. Obviously became a demon.
"You f**king b***h!" Tanglepork's rage cannot penetrate the muted bubble the elf remains in, but her bullet can, barely grazing Zingiber's nose.
"Time to end this," says Ioana, teleporting right behind the deputy. A swipe of her claw slices open the gnome's backside.
"Help me," calls out Gudrun, putting pressure on her bleeding wounds. She tries to lock eyes with the deputy, but the gnome is too wrought with emotion.
Bleeding profusely, Honeycrisp slams his fists into the elf's guts, sparks passing through her organs with each strike.
"Can't get near the k**bhead," Ling grumbles. She calls upon the sheriff's flesh to mend itself, stealing pieces of Zingiber's hands in the process.
Zingiber dodges another swing as she rolls out of the silent bubble and does a wild swinging display spraying her own blood about into floating runes that drive themselves into the sheriff. On contact, the pieces of herself stuck in his face explode, taking his head with them.
Screaming with rage and grief, Tanglepork races toward Ling across the crooked, spiky floor and tries to shoot the blood-dancing elf. The bullet comes nowhere close.
Ioana chases after and commands pieces of the stone floor to erupt as a cage around the gnome, but the agile deputy leaps to freedom.
"Stop," demands Gudrun, but the deputy refuses.
L: But the most important rule of a magic duel is:
"We're getting the kids," yells Ling, ostensibly to Tanglepork, "And then we're getting the f**k out of here." She conjures a massive potato to block the lycan's path.
"No, you're not," yells Zingiber forming further runes. With a great forceful push, the corpse of the sheriff is launched at the doctor, who dives out of the way. The body tumbles into the corridor and explodes, collapsing the tunnel.
L: Never forget why you're fighting.
"Zingiber, you fool!" yells Ioana, but it is too late.
From the liquid metal in Ioana's brain and the burnt, ruptured organs in Gudrun's body, the two die with no fanfare.
"What?" Zingiber staggers forward in confusion, the blood-loss killing her slowly. "That's not fair."
Tanglepork stops running. Ling and she carefully walk toward Zingiber. "You killed my boss," says Tanglepork, out of breath.
"Whatever," says Zingiber, focusing on Ling, "Going to kill me, Ling? Plenty of ways to make me suffer. You could sta-"
"I'm talking to you," says the deputy.
"I don't want y-"
The deputy helps Zingiber paint the ceiling a delightful new shade of pink.
"Bl'ell, Porky," mutters Ling, "You didn't-"
"It's over." Tanglepork sits down.
Ling turns to the collapsed passage. "I'll get the kids..." She looks around at the bloody mess that was once three witches. "...And ya... deal with this?"
The lycan, Ioana, stands in her nightgown wearing a simple jacket, Ling's wig in hand. "What is going on down here?"
"Oi, my hair." Ling holds up her hands in front of her, inviting Ioana to throw it her way. "Thanks for that."
"Deputy, where are the others?" asks the sheriff, "Also, my knife?"
"I'm the only one, sir," says Tanglepork, saluting, "And it's in the pond, sir."
"Then why didn't you grab it?"
"The fair lady will only give it to its owner: you."
"A man's got to do everything around here."
"Shove it, mate," says Ling, adjusting her wig, "First is the witches. We con-"
"Oh, new guests!" shouts Zingiber, twitching with excitement, Gudrun right behind her.
"Which one do ya want, Doctor?" asks Gudrun, "Ya've earned it."
"The bl'ell are ya spouting now?" yells Ling.
"Wait, who's what?" sputters Tanglepork.
"Deputy, get the men," says Honeycrisp, his nostrils flaring, "I'll handle this brainjacking b***h."
"Ya took control of him?" asks Gudrun.
"Are you throwing us under the cart?" asks Zingiber.
"Officer," whispers Ioana to Tanglepork without looking away from the witches, "I think we need to get out of here."
"What are ya trying to pull, Gudrun?" Ling adjusts her cloak.
"Porky." "Deputy." "Officer." "Gnome." "Little thing." The voices blended together, contradictory commands overlapping pulling the gnome's attention apart in a dizzying cacophony.
"Oh," says Ioana, stumbling forward, "Why?"
Tanglepork's gunhand trembles as she stares into the hole in the back of Ioana's head. "Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Yes," growls Ioana, turning to face her attacker, her face contorting savagely, "I do."
"Why did you do that, idiot?" barks Honeycrisp, "You really trying to kill an eldritch witch with a gun?"
"Bl'ell, everyone wait," says Ling, "I talked to your boss, witches. The kids are alive; we can work this out."
All attention turns to the doctor.
"Why would you trust it?" asks Honeycrisp, "The thing's helping these-"
"It said... something that meant it was talking to the kids," says Ling, nervously, "Or, at least, knew them."
"Is this about the brat you're selling drugs to?"
"I'm not selling drugs."
"Right," says Honeycrisp, "Giving drugs to."
"Not the time, Sheriff."
J: Why didn't you ever just use that surgery spell you crafted on her? L: Because she didn't want it? J: ...Valid.
Zingiber interrupts. "Oh, if they're still alive, we can kill them ourselves!"
"The screaming was nice," says Gudrun, fondly, "We can make a whole choir this time."
"Hate to waste that meat," mutters Ioana.
"What is wrong with ya?" yells Ling, "I'm trying to get ya c**ts out of this!"
"If you think I'm letting these c**ts go," yells Honeycrisp, "You'd best be ready to share a grave with 'em!"
"Ugh, so glad my son doesn't talk like this," mutters Gudrun as the doctor and the sheriff resume cussing each other out. She turns to her elven cohort. "Ioana's got the gnome, I'll take Captain Bulls***e, and-"
"Dr. Ling will feed me my own a**e," says Zingiber with a chipper enthusiasm more appropriate for boarding a carnival ride.
"Or ya could try winning," says Gudrun, exasperated.
"Love the confidence, and I will try," says Zingiber, "But she's going to destroy me, just like she did earlier."
The deputy is unfortunately not forgotten in this mess. The lycan looms over her. What they have to say transcends language, visible by a glance: Ioana expresses an intent to eat and Tanglepork expresses a need to change her pants.
And thus, the fight begins.
"Listen fast," says Ling to the still dazed minotaur, "The kids are alive, there's one witch coming, and the second's getting the third. I've infily'ed their coven and ya're brainwashed. Play along."
Sheriff Honeycrisp has several questions. Unfortunately for him, Zingiber footsteps were slowly growing louder. He lies back into the junk pile, feigning unconsciousness.
"Water for the lady." Zingiber presents a chalice to Ling as if it contained wine or nectar.
"Thanks, mate." Ling chugs it immediately.
"Ready to see my work?" Zingiber sways with glee. "My latest I call Marrow Radiance."
"Can ya make him do stuff?" Ling puts the empty cup down.
"Oh," says Zingiber, deflating, "Like what?"
"I was just wondering if ya knew mind s***e."
"That's Gudrun's thing."
"So, she had him blame someone in town, then?"
Zingiber giggles, "Sort of. She let him just pick someone who'd fit."
"Really now." Ling resists the negative urges rising in the back of her mind. 'Think of the kids, Ling,' she thinks to herself.
"Sheriff, walk to the main room," Zingiber commands, "Any ideas, Dr.?"
Honeycrisp rises and stumbles his way out, quietly grumbling all the while.
As the ladies follow him, Ling asks, "I thought coven's shared magic. Are ya all studying extra things?"
"Yeah, the coven stuff is mostly utility: reshaping land, portals, material conversion."
"Sounds like your boss wants a construction crew," says Ling, carefully navigating the misshaped hall, "Any idea why?"
Zingiber shrugs. It wasn't going to be that easy.
"Can ya make the sheriff do cartwheels?"
"Yeah, but why?" asks Zingiber, "I can do soooo much worse."
"Gotta start small, mate," says Ling as they enter the main room again. "If ya do your big evil s***e now, how do ya top it?"
"Point taken," sings Zingiber, "Alright, moo-man, do s-"
"Zinj, I need to talk to ya," says Gudrun, standing by another door. She scowls at Ling. "In private." She looks to the sheriff. "Watch the doctor," she commands.
"Sure, what's up?" Zingiber dances across the room and follows her coven-mate into the darkness.
"Cartwheels, really?" angrily whispers Honeycrisp.
"Ya want her to pull your skeleton out your a**e?" whispers back Ling, "That one's a loon."
"All you b***hes are loons," says Honeycrisp, "Chaotic w***es the lot of you."
"Ya got a f**king problem, mate?"
"Yeah, c**ts like you!" shouts the sheriff.
"Of course, they do, b*****d," shouts back Ling, "They wouldn't hate ya if ya'd stop being a sack of s***e!"
"You diseased s**t!" Honeycrisp steps forward, his figure towering Ling. "Just here to bang the kidnappers."
"B****y f**kwit!" Ling stands as tall as can, glaring into his eyes. "Just mad ya've been saved by a woman; ya hate us so much."
"You barely count as a woman, p***y-sucking lizard."
"Says the cuckold farm animal!"
"What is this language?" asks Ioana, who had slipped into the room unseen.
"Wow," mutters the diminutive deputy behind her.
Having defeated the witches in honorable combat, Ling now has the chance to explore their lair.
Wasting no time, Ling crawls from the bedchamber back to the main room and enters the next corridor clockwise. These tunnels are as unsafe to navigate as the rooms are: misaligned walls, ceiling overhangs, random steps in the floor.
In the chamber Ling chose arbitrarily, she discovers a yellow-furred minotaur clad in leather armor lying amongst piles of random junk.
"Sheriff Honeycrisp?" asks Ling, "What the- How long have ya been down here?" Ling approaches and shakes the bull.
The sheriff is neither dead nor asleep, but trapped in magical stasis. As he would become an issue in-and-of himself, Ling decides to simply make a note of him.
L: Sleeping bruty would have to wait.
Silently scurrying, Ling looks for another passage. After discovering the kitchen, toilet, and a braintree arboretum, Ling stumbles upon a portal chamber. The dark spiraling tentacled maw shines an unnatural light onto the ceiling.
Ling steps back out of the room, contemplating on both how to confront the coven and how much faith this elder god can afford.
J: And you trusted that? L: It was right; Hanzy was the only boy missing. I was still holding out hope that it was all a misunderstanding and no one was actually evil.
"What're ya prowling around for?" asks a tired Gudrun cloaked only in darkness, causing Ling to jump.
"Water," says Ling, recovering, "Forgot my water."
"Why'd ya come here?" asks Gudrun, low-key irritation growing in her voice.
An idea forms in Ling's mind. "Something called me," she says softly, walking ever closer to the dwarf, "Dark, dangerous." She stops right in Gudrun's face, "Deep." She licks the dwarf's ear. "Do ya feel it down here?"
Gudrun attempts to respond, but emotions and exhaustion cut off all attempts. She sputters, red in the face. Fortunately for her, it is at this exact moment that Zingiber prances into the scene.
"What are you two up to?" she sings, "Ready for round two?"
J: Do you really have to talk about this in front of Dalini. L: She's not listening to this story anyway. Not since ya put that huge cake in front of her. D: CAKE CAKE CAKE NOM CAAAKE L: Great parenting, by the way.
"Always, but I've got a question: what are ya beauties doing down here?" Ling says backing away from Gudrun. "Most witches I know stay clear of the Underdank."
"We're working with someone special," says Zingiber, "He's kind of a pain, though. He speaks in riddles and code. He'll say not to do things when he clearly wants us to do them. The eldritch are silly like that."
Ling nods along. "When's your mate showing up?"
"I guess I can message her; she'll want to meet ya." Gudrun heads back to the bedchamber. "Zinj, ya watch her."
"Absolutely!" shouts Zingiber, "I can show her all my cool murder and torture spells." The elf dances about, like a schoolgirl or an electrified worm.
"Ripper," mutters Ling, her hope bitterly dying.
As Ling approaches the metal windmill, the ground under it groans and shifts. A chunk of land rises up, revealing a crude staircase.
"If anyone is still alive up there," demands a young woman's voice from the dark, climbing upward, "Identify yourself."
"A passing wizard," says Ling, "Who's asking?"
"I am the Gr- hold on, give me a second," says the voice, hurrying up the stairs. As she reaches the surface, she announces, "I am the Great Witch Zingiber, Herald of Calamity."
Zingiber is a tan elven woman, barely a few centuries old, with fluffy red hair. She wears an extremely dark red cloak. Her ruby earrings are so large that the bend her long pointy ears (as they are hooked into the tips). She posed dramatically when she emerged and sneaks a look with one eye to see what reaction she garnered.
"By the Gods," says Zingiber, dropping the pose into one of exaggerated shock, "You're Dr. Ling, creator of Tendon Tearer! It's such an honour!"
L: It was a nice feeling being identified for magic for once. Wish it had been my food magic...
"Ripper, my rep precedes," says Ling, "Sorry 'bout ya're spell minefield, but I couldn't give ya a bell."
"Don't worry about that," says Zingiber. She turn around and waves for Ling to follow, "Come in, please." She giddily kicks about before squealing and charging in.
Into the darkness, Ling descends. Her orb's shine guides her until a distant glimmer sparks into view. This staircase must reach into the Underdank. If that's the case, then the sheriff was half-right.
The room at the bottom is bare, lit by the single smokeless torch hanging on the wall. A large metal door stands in the far wall inscribed with runes.
"Apple crumble and filch," says Zingiber to which the door opens. "Let me show you around."
The cavern was carved in an uneven yet cubic way, a chaotic and artificial mess. The dark stone lit by yet more smokeless torches and splattered with dried blood. An arrangement of mini mesas form a set of table and chairs with small cushions set upon them.
L: The room was a tripping hazard deathtrap. One wrong step and there's a pointy corner in your face.
"This is our main room- oh, I NEED to introduce you to the rest of the coven!" Zingiber turns down a corridor and yells, "Gudrun! You'll never guess who's here!"
"This better be good, or they better be dead," grumbles a distinctly dwarven voice from down the way.
Stepping into the room in an extremely dark green variant of Zingiber's witchy robe is a brooding pale middle-aged dwarven woman. Her hair, beard, and overdone eye shadow are as black as the stairwell Ling just crawled down. Both her long hair and beard run through simple sapphire bands.
"Why'd ya let a stranger into our lair?" asks Gudrun, "What part of secret is escaping yer erratic brain?"
"But this is Dr. Ling," whines Zingiber, "The genius that created all those body horror spells I've been practicing. She's my inspiration."
"So, ya're the lovely partner to this little psycho?" asks Ling, "Where's the third?"
L: Not a fan of being labeled a body horror wizard.
J: Then stop making new body horror spells.
L: Those are my "stop trying to kill me" spells; ya have to keep making new ones or your enemies will learn how to counter ya. Anyhow, I knew I had to distract these two to search the place.
"Elsewhere," says Gudrun, "How'd ya guess?"
"All covens have at least three witches," says Ling, "But I guess I can be your third 'til morning." Ling licks her eyeballs.
Zingiber squeals again, but Gudrun seems hesitant.
"One of my idols wants my body," she says to no one specifically. She swiftly spots Gudrun's face and falls to her knees before her. "Please, please, please, please-please, pleeeeeeeeease. We HAVE to."
Gudrun shakes her head, "We shouldn't. Not without her."
"Well, if she wants to be an equal part of this relationship then maybe she should be living with us instead of leaving us alone."
"Fair," says Gudrun, "Alright, lizard, hope ya're better than my ex-hub."
"I'll get the honey and the chaaaains!" says Zingiber darting off.
"Wait," says Ling, casting a spell on the elf. The confirmation sign appears over her head. "Carry on." She turns to the dwarf, "So, ya and this one, huh?"
"Ma always said not to stick yer tongue in crazy," says Gudrun, "But what Ma don't know won't kill her."
"Strewth."